having waaaaay too many bad days

[roch82]

Hello.. my husband of 14 years died unexpectedly on 14Sept2017 in a car accident involving alcohol... we were separated at the time, but it was something I didn't want.. it's been 11 weeks, and I am getting worse... I found out some pretty effed up things after he died (like I'm sure many of you have done as well).. so, I have lies, betrayals, secrets, AND his death that I am dealing with...

 

I can't stop crying.. I have like 20 crying fits a day.. I've lost 20lbs.. I'm so hurt and ANGRY! how do you all deaaaaaaal???? I'm having such a hard time.....

[WifeLess]

roch82,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

 

Yes, in the early weeks and months it is extremely hard, and it often gets worse as the initial shock begins to wear off. And of course, the pain may be compounded when there are complicating factors, as you indicate in your post. So it is not surprising that you feel as you describe. But it is nevertheless possible to survive this. We just have to hold on long enough, and things will begin to get better.

 

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

 

--- WifeLess

 

 

[roch82]

I literally feel like I cannot survive this... It's too much.. I cry constantly and I'm really tired of it.. I don't know what more I can do... I just wish I could see him one last time... tell him I love him.. and that I wanted to work on our marriage--- but there's no point in that...... those thoughts will make me insane, people say.. but honestly, thinking that we could have salvaged our marriage, puts a smile on my face.... I don't wanna think about the reasons why we separated.... I'm rambling.....

[Mizpah]

What you describe sounds very normal to me, unfortunately.  I've heard "the only way out is through," but them being dead is forever, so it's kinda more like, "the only way through is through."  You WILL feel more stable eventually.  But it takes a very long time.  (It's different for everyone.)  And sometimes you'll feel a tad better only to feel worse following that. 

 

As for feeling like you can't survive it, I'm sure many/most of us were there, though I honestly (mercifully) can't remember much of the first five months (and, like you, I lost a lot of weight).  It feels physically unsurvivable.  I always call it "bearing the unbearable." 

 

Do you have a therapist?  I strongly advise it.  Working through things you've learned afterwards gives you even more to work through and resolve.  There's loss, there's trauma, there is new information, there's just so much  hurt.  I can't emphasize enough how much I leaned on having that time to just empty the contents of my raw feelings in therapy.  I credit lots of therapy early on with helping me heal more healthily and long-term.  It also helped me to write, get it all out, I needed to get it out of me, and it was an ever-renewing spring of pain and sadness. 

 

I tried to get sunlight and be active - I knew that my insides were a very dark and complicated place, and I needed to counteract that as much I could with simple, basic, good creature stuff like sun and endorphins and sleep and hydration. 

 

I'm thinking of you, and I'm so sorry for all you're enduring.  You will survive this.  We are all next to, ahead of, and behind you on this path.  I used to look at the first widower I met after losing DH, and chant in my head: "If he survived it, I can survive it."   

 

Edited to add: From what I do remember, the first few days/weeks contain the worst feelings I've ever known or imagined.  You're not crazy for feeling so bad (maybe you're not wondering that, but I was).  It's natural.

[Julester3]

Mizpah said it well. I am sorry you are here with us and going through this. It sucks. It sucks so much like nothing you've ever experienced it! The what if's and regrets can eat you alive.  Please take it easy, be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Make small goals and find some thing to divert your attention from the grief to help you have a break from it. Hugs to you and we are here.

[roch82]

I will be starting nursing school in January, so that'll be a nice distraction.. I just hope my grief doesn't get in the way of my potential success... damn, I really don't even wanna live anymore.. I have 3 children, but they aren't even giving me the motivation to live.. wtf?! That's not okay.. I can't leave them parentless.... I don't know how much more I can take 😭 this pain is too much

[Wheelerswife]

I will be starting nursing school in January, so that'll be a nice distraction.. I just hope my grief doesn't get in the way of my potential success... damn, I really don't even wanna live anymore.. I have 3 children, but they aren't even giving me the motivation to live.. wtf?! That's not okay.. I can't leave them parentless.... I don't know how much more I can take 😭 this pain is too much

 

I’m so sorry you had to join this club. I was in school when my second husband died unexpectedly and school gave me purpose and a place to be every day and deadlines for reading and assignments. That helped me put one foot in front of the other to move through the days and weeks and months.

 

If your school has counseling services, take advantage of them. I found that having someone to listen to me and my woes helped me to have a place to dump them, if you will, so I could focus on other things.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[MadPage]

Roch82

 

Continue rambling. Definitely continue rambling on this board. Get everything you want to share out in the open.

 

If you need to repeat it over and over again.

If you need to repeat it over and over again.

If you need to repeat it over and over again.

Then do so.

 

Keeping in bad feelings is like keeping in yellow phlegm. Both of them make you sick until you release them from your body.

[jeudi]

I can look back and clearly remember how hard it was in those first months- pretty much the first year. And i hope that doesn't make things too scary. Mizpah- such sound wisdom. "Only way through is through." There isn't really a way out- it is and will always be this terrible thing that happened in your life. For me it is the worst thing and I sure hope nothing worse is possible for me in this life.

 

Before my LH died I knew he was dying and I remember thinking I could do it. I could get through it. I could survive it.

 

And there were waaaaay too many bad days when I sat on the end of our bed and wept at the sheer misery. I remember feeling like I was chained there as though enslaved.

 

This was fifteen years ago. Although I clearly remember those chained to the end of the bed days it is now truly a memory. I feel stronger for having survived. I feel grateful that I didn't lose myself in the horror of it all. I feel happy to have had him in my life. It feels amazing to have still more in front of me.

 

Some folks have a life that is so neat and perfect and safe. For some of us though...there are stains. We get the storms with the thunder and lightning and wind but eventually we figure things out and really? We are better for it. More wisdom to share, substance, true grit, depth of character. Sucky but OH SO TRUE. It will take you a bit of time to get to this place and please, please, please don't feel in a rush to get there. This deep grief is yours...ultimately it is what will help you. Don't gloss over it. This loss is not in a meadow- you need a sturdy plow because it is a rocky place. The end of the field is...there, somewhere.

 

I am so sorry you are still in in the midst of all of these waaaaay too many bad days. It WILL become more tolerable. You WILL have some good stuff that will mix itself in. Some of this you will have to force and some will just happen like a soft, warm breeze.

 

Best to you. Best wishes, best thoughts. Patience is important. Go easy with yourself. Time will pass in ways you don't yet imagine.

 

xoxo

 

Judy

 

[Mrs Reader]

I love this board. And all you fellow widdas here. After a terribe Christmas I am having a magically good day.

And Roch, you will have those too, I promise. Not now but eventually you will. These wise people here are so good, listen to them. I listened, read everything and I still come back here on bad days, good days and boring days. It always works.

Hugs!

[Anni]

It seems that once I moved out of the condo we shared, the more bad days are happening. I read in a story behind a famous Christmas story that the writer use to say this " I am just tired of living" after the death of his favorite daughter. I am using that more and more. I know once I start my new job it should get better, but the hole left in my life after Minh died is so huge.

 

I lost a career of 16 years due to a lay off, I have moved twice with most of stuff now in storage, I had to give away my cat, and Minh's death just added to the list. I have survived much in my life, so this is survivable, but I have lost the will and faith for the 1st time in my life.

 

Maybe it is just the holidays. 

[Anni]

I made it through the holidays and survived. I was out eating at one of our favorite places yesterday and the person next to me and I got talking. She lost her husband of 48 years after a 44 day hospital stay recently. We talked about being there in the hospital 24/7, how bad it got at times, and how the holidays got to us, but we also talked about the good memories that are helping us forget those bad times.  Talking to her gave me more help than I have gotten except from here. We understood us other because we shared the worst that life have done, taking away the love of our lives. Part of a sisterhood no one wants to be in.

 

I needed that because my best friend who lost her partner was telling me that I needed to move on now. She put everything away a month after his death and here I was going thru things to organize pictures, and items of his. I shouldn't be wearing his clothes that I do. She meant well and is worried about me since no one that has know me have ever seen me thrown off so much. But I am not her, and that lady in the restaurant supported me in doing my way.

 

This coming week is the anniversaries of Minh and I finding each other on the dating site and then 2 days later our 1st date. Tears are in the back of eyes, but smile on the face. Heart is starting to heal some just knowing that I am the lucky one last year to find him and us falling in love. Worth the hurt of fall.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Anni.

 

Sometimes, being vulnerable to a stranger can pay off in positive ways.  After my husbands died, I was surprised to realize the number of people that I encountered who had lost a spouse or partner.  It does take a willingness to be truthful sometimes - answering that "How are you?" question with a veracity that people are not anticipating. 

 

My second husband died at home while I was away.  2 days later, I found myself sitting on a commercial airplane next to a private pilot.  He asked me if I was traveling for business or pleasure.  I asked him if he wanted my truth.  He said "Yes", and I told him I was heading home because my husband had died.  He embraced me (not physically) on that flight, listened to me, let me cry, and also shared a part of his story (losing a brother as a teen) without ever taking away from my story.  There really are some amazing people out there, but we may never be able to take advantage of their support or give our own support to others unless we are willing to be vulnerable.

 

I'm glad you were validated by the lady in the restaurant!  Sometimes, even those of us who have been widowed need to come to the understanding that what is good for us may not be what is good for another.  I hope your best friend can come to understand this!

 

Maureen

[beth_krkswidow]

I did not think I could survive.  Absolutely did not think it was possible.  And I looked forward to that.  I had absolutely no desire to survive.  At the first Widow Grief Group I went to, the first widower that shared began with,

"My wife died a year ago."

 

My mind exploded at that point because I remember thinking, How the HELL did he survive a YEAR?  I remember nothing else about that first Grief Group except that.  I was just so shocked that someone could actually survive it.

 

As I said, not only was I sure I could not survive, I had absolutely no desire to survive.  I wondered how I would die, but never ever did it occur to me that I would not die.

 

Well, here I am at 19 months.  It has gotten softer.  I don't have 20 crying jags a day.  Maybe just one.  I still miss him like crazy and can't imagine the rest of my life.  Somehow (I credit my Grief Group) I survived it.  Still not crazy about having survived it, but the pain has gotten bearable.

 

I didn't believe those further out when they said you will survive and it will get softer.  But they were right.

 

Good or bad, they were right.

 

So sorry you had to join us here.