Could use some feedback....be prepared for rambling.....

[jgib]

So I have met someone.  It has not been that long and we have only met in person once but we are in contact A LOT.

I like him so far. Definitely an attraction as well.  He is very keen.....

We have a few philosophies that we have different opinions about that may cause some trouble down the road but he seems flexible.  We also have many things in common, especially the lifestyle we like to live.

He is fairly newly separated, just over a year, but says the divorce will be through this summer.  The ex doesn’t sound crazy at this stage.....

The 2 daughters and the ex know he is dating and he says they are ok with it.  We have agreeded to converse only with each other until we see where this leads.

He knows I am a widow and thinks he knows that the circumstances will be unique.  I am not sure he really understands though.....but he sounds open.

 

I can feel myself pulling back and putting up some walls.  What if I hurt him....what if he hurts me.....  I never thought anyone would like me as much as DH did and this guy seems to like me a lot.  Can I trust it, will it last? 

I can’t move too fast and he says that’s ok.  I don’t want to put on the brakes so much I mess it up but there is so much going on in my head.....  What if he is too nice and easy going and I take advantage of that, I truly don’t want that too happen.....

Why am I having so much trouble just being in the moment and enjoying what is happening?  I am also having trouble sharing my thoughts and feelings with him as it makes me feel very vulnerable, I don’t like that!!

The 4th sadiversary is at the end of this month.  Never an easy time, how do I explain that?

 

Thanks for listening to my ramble.  I have not shared all this with anyone else yet.  I appreciate being able to do it here.

 

[daysofelijah]

It's nice you found someone. I had the prerequisite that I would not date someone who was only separated or had been divorced for less than one year. I think there's just too much opportunity for problems with a man in that situation. It's hard enough as it is.

 

That would be my only feedback, but you have to make the choice that is best for you. Good luck in however it goes. It's hard getting back out there.

[Forgottenwife]

Because you asked...

 

What sort of feedback are you looking for? If you want someone to tell you this all sounds very normal and ok, then yes I can tell you that. I say just relax and trust your feelings and intuitions and try not to be hard on yourself. Every person I have ever met, including my chapter 2, has philosophies and opinions that differ from mine. That is the beauty of the human experience, we are each unique. I have decided what attitudes and beliefs are important to me and absolute deal breakers, and which ones are flexible and interesting. You can do that too.

 

It's up to you. Your relationships sounds pretty new, just have fun and enjoy the new experience. He may turn out to be a wonderful, caring man this is just right for you. If you keep your boundaries in the right place and take time getting to know him, what do you have to lose? I know we will be hurt again... right?! Something will end our new relationships for sure, a break up or a death. I personally have been willing to take that risk. Taking the plunge to be vulnerable is so hard though, we know the pain and heartbreak that can come, yet the rewards of love and intimacy are calling to us. Will it last? I don't know. I wouldn't worry about taking advantage of him and his trust or kindness, he's an adult and is also taking risks and deciding if he wants to be vulnerable. Just be yourself, look out for your own needs and boundaries, and don't forget to have fun and enjoy a little of life's greatest gifts - the warmth and love and companionship of another being. Does it get any better than that?

 

Regarding the separated and not quite divorced, I have never seen this as a black and white issue. I know a very reasonable couple that are now divorced and they co-parent quite well. Because of finances and a family business, their divorce took almost two years and one of them had moved on emotionally by the time the paperwork was signed. Everyone seems ok with it, years later the new husband treats their children well and everyone gets along so that was the priority for their family. I have never faced that decision so I can't say, only you can decide what is important and meaningful for you. Maybe your new guy will have a reasonable and fairly easy divorce and his family will be happy for him - maybe not, that remains to be seen. We have seen here on this board where people are divorced for many years and they are still stuck in constant drama. I think this is a more individual person issue. If you are dating someone with a nice, reasonable, soon to be ex, that alone sounds like a plus to me.

 

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Trying]

Deep breaths!  I can relate to a brain that won’t stop with the “what if...”s. I did so much of that in my chapter 2 that it really interfered with happiness at times. I don’t know how to tell you how to just go with the flow and live in the moment because I struggle with that myself.  The best you can do is to enjoy getting to know each other, keep a little guard up, it may last and it may not but you won’t know until you try.

[jgib]

Thank you all very much for your replies!  I am sure I will read them all again in the days to come.....

 

I did ask and I am open to hearing all sides and feedback.  Everyone has experiences to draw from!

[Mizpah]

Why am I having so much trouble just being in the moment and enjoying what is happening?

 

Because nothing's simple now.  With exes and late spouses, with kids, with the loss of innocence regarding how bad it can hurt to lose someone we love (whether to death or a breakup) (I've been really stunned to learn that, despite my opinion that nothing can hurt like death, that I can still hurt really f'ing bad from relationship problems - and that's not even death or a breakup), with permanently remaining love for our lost loves, etc., etc.  It's super complicated.  Not just that, but all the worries and fears are normal - what if our differences are too great, what if someone gets hurt, what if I get excited and then disappointed? 

 

I'm glad you've found someone you like and who also likes you.  It's lovely.  I hope you will let yourself enjoy it as much as you can - my therapist used to say, "Allow yourself good feelings."

[jgib]

I don’t think this is for me.....I am feeling far too much pressure from him. 

He says he is willing to go slow but obviously his slow is too fast for me! 

Maybe I just am not feeling it for him as much as he is feeling it for me?  I feel manipulated to say and do things I don’t really want too.  It is not a good feeling.

Thanks for all your feedback about what I was experiencing, too bad it isn’t going to work out.

[Trying]

Think of it as a learning experience.  You are learning what you want and don't want. You're learning what you are able to give to a relationship as much as what you are ready to receive.  Dating should be about getting to know someone and seeing if it's a fit.  If it's not, no harm, no foul.

 

Of course I say this as someone who was not ready to date in any way post widow and fell into a relationship with someone from my past before I had a chance to even think about dating or what I might want in a future partner.  I lucked out but on paper, he would never have made it past a first look at his bio.