Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

[trying2breathe]

oops, not sure what happened or where I was going with that  🙄   

 

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary with DH.  I'm sad, but not terribly so.  I've accepted that he's no longer here, and am moving forward with a new life.  My daughter hugged me this morning, wishing me a happy anniversary.  It felt good that she remembers this too, without me mentioning it.

 

 I feel like the widowhood part of me continues to heal, but wonder how it is affecting everything else.  Have had several conversations with BF lately on our relationship, last night was a biggie that I feel cleared the air with brutal honesty on my expectations and whether I'm being realistic about us.  I'm at a crossroads and have been for awhile, on whether to stay with him.  It feels like I'm dragging this relationship on, and I hope to get some clarity on how to move forward.  He's a good man, I do love him and yet I'm still not sure.  Is this widow related angst or something else?   I hope to see my grief therapist again to sort some of this out.  He's patient and willing to wait, and I'm grateful for that.  I realize that I want something more than a good relationship, I'm looking for great.  The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together.  

Anyway,  I ramble on  ........ 

 

 

[tybec]

Trying2breathe,

 

I relate to your post. Let me know what you figure out!

 

I love NG, too, and we are so good together, but I had a great long relationship.  My husband truly adored me, and I didn't deserve it!  I didn't realize it, on some level. My NG tells me I am spoiled.  Ummm, am I?  Or I hit the lottery the first time?  My LH wanted me,  pursued me and I knew it. My NG has so many other things to manage, I just don't feel he has that intensity or is gun shy and rationalizes it as "realistic and cautious" based on his experiences and childhood.  So how long to wait?  Can't wait yrs. Sometimes I think he loves me but not like   a man who loves a woman to pledge his all to, if that makes sense?  He talks long term.  We have plans for 2019 already.  

 

Let me know.  Widow related angst or something else?

 

PS.  It is so sweet you daughter remembered.  My teen does not as we were married 13 yrs. prior to his arrival. 25 was a hard one for me and now I have friends passing it by. I would have had my 28th this Dec.

Edited May 15, 2018 by tybec

[Captains wife]

The widow angst is a great question. Sometime I feel closed off emotionally after everything that has transpired over the past 6 years - I am dating a great person but I am unable to jump in with two feet. Not sure if its him (more his divorce situation) or me or a combination. Think I am going to go the therapist route too....

[First Widow]

I find myself in a similar place with my NG and maybe it is widow angst.  It's been just under 2 years since I last saw my therapist and the thought of going in for a tune-up has crossed my mind lately.  It's an emotional time for me with my daughter's college graduation this weekend followed by the 3rd anniversary of my LH's death 2 days later so I may return to a more even keel soon but if not I may need to explore this widow angst theory. 

[klim]

I too feel an uncertainty...Trying2 your statement"The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together." struck a chord for me.

 

I'm happy being with him on dates, vacationing, doing errands , really doesn't matter I feel good doing it......but I also feel a need to be apart sometimes, to take care of my kids, my house, my stuff...so the acceptance of us together seems to be a thing.

 

 Also I've always been really slow to adjust to change....I think I fear it. I've lived in the same house for 28 yrs , had the same job/same location for 30 years. And obviously I didn't have a choice about becoming a single parent but now I'm  also facing a whole bunch of change in the near future and  it flusters me.

 

1.My kids are going to be finished university soon( one already has),

2.I can retire as soon I say the word  then

3.and NG would have me move in when ever,( keeps threatening me with marriage😲)

 

I find these things intertwined and it's like if I know my sons are ready to be independant then 2 and 3 become easier....but can I wait or do I have to figure out some other way.

Also I feel I can't act on #2 because if i do it makes me more available for 3 and I don't know about that till 1 has happened

 

.....you see it's a circle. Or maybe I just overthink things.( sometimes I do just let things happen but usually I analyze the crap out of it)

 

[arneal]

It sounds like you all may have had 'great' in the past with your relationships? As I've mentioned, the first marriage was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced and I thought I would never deal with humans again lol. Abuse is no joke but I had to get to a place of being able to laugh again ... My second marriage was good, hard work with his illnesses, but good. Comfortable. Respectful. Taught me that love is a good thing.

Life with BF is good. He does his thing and I do mine, even though we are under the same roof now. I don't look to him for anything really. It's like one of my students said yesterday: 'I love you, I want you, but I don't need you'. I am traveling for work right now and we tend to text each other at night; I mentioned we are gamers so we might say good morning in-game (didn't do so this morning). I try to remember to reach out so it's not like he's always reaching to me.

I think after all I've been through I am at a place where it's gonna be what it's gonna be. Can't know what tomorrow will bring so I will enjoy today. I don't think marriage will happen. If it does, wow. If it doesn't, that's okay. 

I think it comes down to you knowing what you want. If you want someone who is going to dote over you, bring the flowers and all that, and if your NG isn't doing that, can you live with it?

I don't mean to trivialize but it all boils down to what is 'enough'. Remember -- it's not the other person that brings happiness. It is within. The other person is just the icing on the cake 😘

[trying2breathe]

Widow angst, a common thread with some of us.  I scheduled a therapy session next week and am actually looking forward to it.  I haven't seen my therapist in two years - she was widowed young, without seeking love again she met somebody, and then married him.  We have a lot in common, it will be good to get a tune-up, as FW mentioned, as well as hash out some of this relationship stuff too.  Although I'm keeping it light, the conversation continues with BF.   He's still patient although I feel him pulling away a bit, maybe anticipating that we may not stay together.  So not fair to keep going in this way.  sigh ......

 

edited to add this - 

 

I think we posted at the same time, arneal 😁  I don't need him and I feel complete without him, he is the icing and he is enough.  I'm happy on my own, he adds to my life and I love him.  BF and I are both on the same page with all of this.  I think it might be fear that I can't fully love again, hesitation because of the possibility of losing somebody again.  There are differences and annoying things between us, we've worked through some issues and so far we're dealing with the differences.   There should be nothing standing in the way of us together, but there is.   It's me ........

I'm gonna get my money's worth at the therapy session next week.

Edited May 17, 2018 by trying2breathe

[tybec]

My NG has really been a sweet and motivated man this past week.  I am doing a lot to support him in his unemployment, cheerleader.  He applied for jobs the next day, updated resumes, reached out to contacts and made lists daily to keep busy and forward planning.  I am so proud of him.  He sent me flowers  for mother's day, before he was laid off. He did not need to do that.  And then he still took me out for mother's day, my first since my mother died in Nov. WE did a very girly thing that reminded me of my mother and my son was with us, too.  I greatly appreciated his effort.  I have been away two days for training, and he has stayed with my son, which allowed me to go and feel safe about it, too.  I think this is just another trial for us, and we will be okay.  

He was extravagant for his first and only wife.  I don't need or want all that as it truly isn't me.  But I want a partner, best friend, companion, someone I feel has my back and is dependable. I got through several awful life things knowing I had my husband to support me.  So, I guess it matters what kind of relationship you want based on all kinds of things.  I am trying to show I have his back, and I hope he knows it.  And, that he will feel secure with me, then also.  He did tell me he thinks he has opened up to me more.  So there is that.

[tybec]

Happened to wake up just in time to turn on the royal wedding when they were getting ready to say their vows.  I do not understand why it was  easy as a young woman to make those pledges/vows except lack of experience, and the world was our oyster.  But some things just are, and they don't change despite the grays in life.  I still believe in love to death do us part as I lived it, and I still want it. The pain is a risk, but so is the joy of it all, too.  So.........  life continues.  

[trying2breathe]

I watched the wedding too, it's surprising that the innocence still seems to be there although they are a bit older and she has been married before.  The world was once our oyster too, I looked at my wedding photos last week and was reminded of how innocent and naive DH and I were then.  It would be great to feel that joy of a new beginning again, not sure if it's possible for me but maybe it's something to work towards. 

[arneal]

I was young and stupid when I married the first time. Vows scared me but not saying them and suffering the wrath after everyone left scared me more. Second go was much easier, not so pressured. Would I do it again? Maybe. Not worried over it. More concerned with the practicals of life: like would I leave my house to BF? Would I trust him to take care of my two fur babies? Would I trust him to try and check on my son from time to time? I think so. But the horror movie watcher in me says the jury is still out 😂 I honestly trust him but would not want to burden him with such a conversation just yet. Our 'official' two years together is Memorial weekend. His birthday is next month and we've already decided to go away for the weekend. Maybe then, removed from the ordinary, every day ...

[trying2breathe]

Hope everybody is doing well.   Weather forecast here is torrential rain pretty much through the weekend 😕 BF and I have tickets to an outside concert on Saturday and I'm disappointed that this may not be happening.  My kids are both home from school, the routine has changed but so far everything is working out well.  BF has been here twice for dinner and everybody is commingling very well.  BF commented on how my kids are well adjusted to our relationship, and his daughters are not quite there yet.  Hmmm ..... glad that he's bringing this up and we'll see if things improve.  

 

Hadn't seen my grief therapist in a couple of years and it was good to get in for a tune-up.  I think as widows something that we have in common is a fear of loss again.  And as I suspected, my hesitation in more of a commitment with  BF is that I'm afraid of losing him.   The minor issues that BF and I are dealing with, I'm figuring out are truly minor, and we're working through them.  Easier said than done to let go of fear, but to become aware of it, say it loud not only to myself but to him too,  hoping that this will help me to let go.  He's a great guy and I'm willing to work towards a better relationship with him.  Feels good to put that out there .... 

 

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

[arneal]

Good for you, trying2 about working through what is small and what isn't. Not sure what our weather is looking like. It's been overcast and rainy most mornings but by early afternoon the sun is out. I have to travel again in a couple weeks for work and BFs birthday is the end of next month so we will take a weekend away. Should be fun. Today marks two years since our first connection online and Monday marks two years since our first date. How time flies ...

[tybec]

Arneal - Congrats on the 2 yr mark!  And under the same roof now!  Who knew? 😊😉

 

Trying2Breathe - glad it is working so well with the "kids" home.  Thanks for the insight from your session.  That balance of moving forward and taking the risk.  You are testing the waters!  Great!

 NG has been out of work 2 weeks but interviewed for a job last week and was offered it. He is taking it.  It is a little less money and a commute of 30 minutes versus the 10 minutes he had.  Benefits are less, and he has to work longer to access them, but he has a job and will not miss a paycheck. He went from a Canadian owned company to Japanese, and there are just differences. I am very proud he got on it, and timing worked out.  He spent more time with me and my son, as he admits he prefers us to being alone at his home. His house is a nice for a family but lonely I am sure by himself.  I have appreciated his company.  

 

Memorial Day weekend.  We are having the memorial service for my mother.  She died in Nov.  I thought this was a great idea, but now, it seems to have drug it out.  Now I know why it often is the case to have the service soon.  I am antsy, touchy and annoyed easily.  It will be fine, but the anticipation.  I have her remains.  I will see my 3 brothers and only one has been helpful in all this for the past few years she needed much more oversight. He was not present but assisted from a far.

 

NG and I met for lunch.  He is taking his boys on an all guy camping trip through his church. So fun weekend planned.  I brought up about him not going with me, that I wanted him to offer and he didn't. He stated he had, and I declined.  I probably did as I knew it was his kids' weekend, and it would be so difficult to change all of it out with his inflexible ex.   So, I have to let go of that.  It will be a reunion of sorts with cousins, and he would not have been too excited. I guess My problem is feeling so alone about dealing with stuff. No one to have to put my head on their shoulder through these hard times.  I hope not to have a next time soon, but if I do, I think I will let him make arrangements to go with me.  What is the point of having a significant other if they can't support you through tough times?  Anyway... My mixture of feelings.  I will get through. My track record is 100% .

 

Enjoy the weekend.😎

Edited May 25, 2018 by tybec

[First Widow]

(((hugs))) Tybec - it's not the same but you can always put your head on our shoulders!!  

 

Happy 2 year Arneal

 

Trying - good for you taking advantage of a tune-up.  It sounds like it was really helpful. 

 

I've changed health insurance with my new job and my therapist is the only provider that doesn't take my new insurance.  I can't get excited about starting fresh with a new thearpist so I've put off the tune-up idea for now.  I do feel less like I need it now that I've made it through my daughter's graduation and the 3 year mark so I'll give myself some time.  I'm in PA for the weekend with my kids for my goddaughter's wedding.  I didn't have the option of a plus 1, so this will make 2 weeks since I've seen NG and I'm hoping traffic is light so I can see him tomorrow night.

[arneal]

Happy post-Memorial Day all.

 

tybec, hoping things were okay for your mom's memorial. Those are difficult times for sure. I think I've spent so much time handling things on my own and being the one others come to for a shoulder, I don't know how to lean on a shoulder myself 😳 

 

Thanks, tybec and FW: Yes, BF and I have been under the same roof since February. He's already had two weeks alone here, caring for the dogs by himself, while I travel for work. Third time is coming in a couple weeks. My little 80lb boy tries to be as close to BF as possible but can cause anxiety, so BF tends to put them outside or in their room a bit more than I would. They don't seem worse for wear about it though. I've seen how they are with him in those spur of the moment times like when I come home from church and they are all sprawled out on the couch, asleep.

 

I tried going to counseling after the first husband died. I have my master's degree in counseling education and the therapist they assigned me at the time was young enough to either be my little sister or maybe, had I started having children very early, my daughter. It was not helpful and did nothing but make me angrier. I did put my son in counseling but looking back from the space he is in now 20 years later, I wonder if it helped. He is such an angry young man. I got through and continue at times to have regrets about being with the first husband at all, wondering if I was wrong to bring a child into the world in that circumstances, but there is no way to stay on that spiral since my son is here. I love him because of that. I am proud of the progress he's made. I am grateful in a way for the entire horrible experience of abuse in that it made me stronger than I ever could have been without it. I was that hippie kid, all rose colored glasses. I am sure I have a harder edge than I need but that is the unfortunate outcome of the entire matter. My second husband was great and after he died, I felt no need to go for counseling. I just needed to care for myself as I had not done much of that whilst caregiving for him. I know it helps many but I guess it's the old adage -- the dentist is the one who has the worst teeth 😂

 

Yesterday was the official two-year mark since my first date with BF. We spent it doing next to nothing. I cooked a steak dinner. Didn't mention the two year thing but tried to make it a nice day, an appreciative day.

 

Now wishing for an extra day off to do more of nothing. However, work calls! Have a great week, all!

[tybec]

Thanks for the "atta girl".  My mother's service was just right.  My brother, a LMFT, PHD,  (he and I are the touchy, feely siblings of the 4 ) put together a powerpoint of her life with pics and then did a family history with genealogy, as that is something he likes. My cousins had never seen many of the pictures or heard stories as their family didn't talk about such things.. I knew A LOT, as I had my mother for 11 years near me, so I got to share some "intel" on the family.  My mother had written down some  things she wanted, so we followed through, old hymns sung, etc.  We went to the family farm and spread some ashes yesterday, and my brother told of the farm,  My youngest brother and  I never lived there.  It was just right.

NG and I talked last night,  He didn't need to come. It would have been very awkward for him to just be an observer of us all sharing history together.  My brother that put together the service asked about if I thought of him coming and was reassuring that NG was better off with his sons on their retreat than at this type of family gathering. Plus, my history is with my LH, there.  Pictures and memories shared with him. 28 yrs in my family was a long time, so turned out to be a good call.

 

Those unanswered prayers.......

 

 

[trying2breathe]

Post Memorial Day Weekend , it was a good but fairly rainy holiday weekend.  We did get to the concert on Saturday night with an umbrella, and it was fine.  Spent a couple of nights at BF's house and my kids say that they're fine with it.  Kids both say that they're okay if he's here too.  It is interesting how dynamics change, my kids seem happy that I'm in a relationship and they are quite open to having him here. They freely share their stories and goings on with him, he equally does the same.  It is all feeling right, but I don't feel the need to rush anything.   I'm dealing with a bit of guilt that I'm moving forward and my children are happy with my new relationship, and I wonder what my LH would be thinking.

 

tybec  I'm glad that you feel good about your mother's service, and that not having NG there was the right thing. These events sometimes bring family together in a good way, and it sounds like it was this for you.  I do hope that he provides that shoulder to lean into, as you say that support to see you through those tough times.

 

arneal   Your counseling story reminds me of my first go at therapy after DH died.  We were living overseas, and I was given a referral for a "grief therapist".  Ends up that she was a play therapist dealing in grief for young children and had no experience dealing with adults, which I learned after having two unsuccessful sessions with her. 😭  I look back on this now and laugh, good intentions but absolutely no benefit at all.   My therapist now was widowed young and is ten years older than I am, successfully re-married 15 years ago.  I feel lucky to have found her, almost want to go back to just sit in her serene office on the soft sofa and take in her calm demeanor, it feels good to be there.  Therapy works for me,  and fortunately my insurance plan covers it.     Happy Two Years! 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2018 by trying2breathe

[Trying]

Tybec I am so happy to hear you felt your mother's service was "just right".  The lead up to these things is the worst part and I'm glad you and your family found comfort in sharing history and memories.  It sounds like you all were respectful of your moms wishes and memories while allowing yourselves the goodbye you needed.  I don't like the word "closure" because that sounds final and we know grief  is never final, but this seemed like a positive step in your grieving process. 

[arneal]

Happy Wednesday, all: hoping this finds you doing well.

Interesting evening with BF last night. He was a bit cranky when he came in from work (to be expected since his commute with traffic, round trip, amounted to about six hours). I continued cooking dinner and doing what I was doing and as we were dipping up our plates, he said he needed to talk. He shared some stuff from the heart that he has been dealing with after the blow up with his daughter to reassure me that when he is distant it has nothing to do with us. I thought it was very sweet. It is hard at such moments to just listen ...

[duckie]

Hi all!  Duckie here checking in as things have been going exceptionally well with NG.  I think I'm in love again!!!  We're talking about moving in together and he's slowly been getting more space in my place.  I'd love to find a new one to start over in... but the same apartment I had with DH may just be too good to give up.  The comparisons I was making between the two have largely gone away.  They are very different and the things I loved most about DH are not the same qualities I love in NG.  But there is one major similarity; that sense of security that comes with a real partner in life.

Another first since DH died, I just passed a full year in a job.  Things are almost stable!  It's taken me a few years of weaning, but I've also been off those damn antidepressants they gave me for almost two weeks now. I actually just forgot to take them after going through an incredibly intense work period where I managed the most amazing fundraising event I've ever seen.  After a few days, I decided to just keep going with it and so far so good.

Things are never all perfect though right?  I recently found out that a very close friend of the family, sort of like a second mom to me growing up, has the same cancer that killed DH so quickly (pancreatic).  As a widow herself, we spent quite a lot of time together after DH died.  For the first few days after I got the news, I had started feeling that same panic I had 8 years ago.  But I still have my therapist and she set my head back on a bit more straight.  And NG helped too, after he figured out how to just listen.   I went over last week to visit her and, for the first time in my life, I was taking care of her.  It's amazing how easy it was to slip back into that role.  Her son is getting married in September (I'm going to be one of the "groomsmen") which is also the month DH died.  On top of this, it's being held in the same venue where my sister got married, just two months before DH died.  And now who knows if his mom will make it until then - it's pancreatic, after all.  Please excuse me, but what a mindfuck.

So that's my update; as usual, it's all love and death in my world!

[arneal]

Hey there, duckie -- so sorry you've had to deal with impending loss in such a close-to-the-heart way. But glad to hear of the growth with you and your NG! Yay for you! Having had BF move in this past February into the house where LH and I lived, has been an interesting thing. I was just thinking this morning as I stood in the bedroom that it is certainly a new world. I had to smile because BF sleeps on the same side of the room as LH did. Uses the same nightstand and all that. His is covered with little things from his job, papers, and things. It reminded me of LH. I don't think anyone who has been where we are would get how heartwarming a moment it was ... 

 

[tybec]

Good to hear from you, Duckie.   You are right. Seems we are the stage of life of great news is always followed with some sad news.  I relate it to a train track. We are all on two tracks and simultaneously have positives and distress going on at the same time. Depending on who, what, where, depends on which track you lean on more.  

 

NG started new job. I am proud and happy for him.  I had not seen him since the Wed. before and did not want to pressure him to see me with adjusting to his new commute and job.  Talked to him Tuesday night, and he asked to come over.  Into the evening all snuggled up, he said we need to marry, or at least get engaged.  Talked about moving in together.  I was surprised. There was no alcohol involved.  😉  I told him yes, some day we will but he has some things to sort through first.  YES.  I SAID THAT!  I am shocked at my response, but I do think he needs to get this custody situation straightened out.  Now that is in Aug for the first court date.  SO, I don't know what time frame he was thinking.  But, I just was not ready to change things soon.  WHO IS THIS WOMAN?  You think you know what you want, and then, in your face, you change?  YUP.  fickle.   

I think with my Memorial to my mom, the sale of the house the 18th, Mother's Day, the family farm up for sale, I have a lot to go through and adding a partner to that too, seems to be a need to wait it out.  Just a while.  So, my new development.  Honestly, NG probably means like next year or something as he is Mr. planner and will not jump either, so there is that.  But I am thrilled he shared this, as I wondered if we were just playing house for a while, and that won't work for me. I thought I could but I know that just is not me.   Didn't hurt my LMFT brother who has published a lot in the Journal of Marriage and Family shared some info. that made me go, Yeah.  I know who I am, but I think the time with my family reminded me, also.  Rambling.  

Enjoy the weekend.

[trying2breathe]

Good to hear from you, Duckie.  Glad that things are going well with NG and sorry to hear the news of your friend.

 

tybec  I'm applauding you from here, can you hear it? 😃  It's funny that sometimes what we say we want differs than how, when faced with it, we actually want things to play out.  It is good to hear that we're desired and want somebody to take that next step with us.  Your practical mind spoke up, and I think it's great! 

 

Good news   Things are going very well with BF, he's fitting well into the family dynamics and everybody seems to be getting along.  We are planning a long weekend trip away and I look forward to that.   And the bad -  my mom was just diagnosed with cancer, a mild form she thinks.  I'll go with her to her appointment this afternoon and we'll find out more.  I feel like I'm straddling the train tracks and not sure which one I'm leaning towards more.

 

[arneal]

Oh, trying2 ... sending love and light. My mom had a breast cancer thing a couple years back now. They were able to remove it successfully. She takes some pills as preventative but has had no re-occurrences, no chemo, no radiation. Her BF/companion just had a pacemaker put in last weekend so they look after each other, for which I am grateful. It is wonderful that you are there for your mom; I am on the other side of the country so end up being a distant support. She says she is good with it but certainly likes it when I go back there.

 

tybec -- you go girl! Excited for you. It's funny; I am something of a planner in that I think about as many scenarios as I can. When it comes to BF, I think about what it would be like to live together without marriage as well as what it would be like to get married or break up. Depending on the day, I am no more or less excited or mortified by any of the three lol. 

 

I managed to do something to my back yesterday. Spent most of the day on a heating pad while I worked. Was stuck to the couch with a bit of whiskey when BF got home. He was cranky from a long drive and annoying work day but was very sweet to me in my pained state. I went to bed early last night and he rubbed my back a bit when he came in. I am hoping to take it easy this weekend ... gotta travel for work in a couple weeks so can't go on long like this ... sigh. He already said he'd grab dinner on the way home, so there's that.

 

Make it a great weekend everyone!