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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Hello everyone.  Thought I would stop in and say hi. Life is pretty good. Still seeing NG and together we are great. It's the other people that are interfering with our terrific life. NG's mom is becoming an issue, she has entered the 2nd year of widowhood and having issues. She thinks her son and daughter should cater to her. She has started calling the ambulance dailing because she is lonely. Then there is my father he married this "thing of a human being" 25 years ago and she has made my life hell. My Dad now has altermizers and she feels I am not supporting her. Both of them didn't come to my husbands funeral. But it's my Dad so I drive 5 hours once a month to see him and NG comes with me. NG still going through his divorce stuff with his ex. She is really nuts and I can't believe I am saying this at 51 but I would love to raise these young kids. Even my sons are slowly coming around. Life is pretty good. 

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Needy  Good to hear that you're doing well with NG, sorry to hear about the rest.  Never a dull moment!

 

I feel the pressure of aging parents, young adult kids and their stuff, family issues that include my in-laws, and a new job that is busier than I expected.  BF has been a sounding board and supportive of everything going on, I'm grateful that he's stable and a voice of reason.  My mom will be going through chemo soon, her diagnosis is considered curable with treatment, I'm thankful that she's not dealing with a more aggressive illness.  I'll tap into another energy source and figure out how to give her additional time, love and care.  

 

BF and I are spending the weekend away together, it will be good to back away from the craziness for a few days.   

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Enjoy, trying2 -- we are getting geared up for our weekend get-away at the end of the month. BF is home today; took off from work to get away from the stress. He has wandered in to see what I am up to from time to time but other than that has stayed in the family room while I work. I introduced him to the dog sitter, finally :) I am sure she and her mom had a lively conversation about that. They are sort of gossipy types and had never seen him so there's that. Never a dull moment indeed ... one way or the other ... 

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Well, the weekend is here!  And NG has his kids for the first week of summer vacation and his mom comes in Sunday.  His birthday is next week and father's day.

 

He and I spent almost the whole week together this past week. He did not have his kids and my teen was at camp.  We had a good time, working, worked out or walked nightly, not being alone.  He would say things like, "When we marry.....  Or When we are in the same house....."  It feels good. It seems more real to him.  I am waiting it out.  Aug. is the custody hearing, and so there is that to consider.  AND a year ago in July we talked about moving in together and getting engaged.  It all went on hold when his ex moved the children back to the school next to his home.  We do have our vacation planned, but separate quarters, and I paid my way.  I am fine about all that.

 

We will see what happens. Went to his church Sunday, and the lesson in Sunday school was on Leviticus and about sexual immorality.  We had a lively discussion as we are the only unmarrieds and then a single woman who attends.  I don't think they bargained for it. Vast views, but I did share my piece about the bible says things without considering the government aspects at all we have.  I would have felt very black and white about it years ago, but life threw me a curve ball, and I hear other's stories, and nothing is that simple to me now. I feel like I  have been humbled and that is a good thing really.  Anyway...... rambling......

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Your post hit close to my heart here, tybec, especially on the faith discussion. My church is pretty staunch on the whole unwed thing as well. I struggle, but am probably just rationalizing as we all do. There is no indication of legality in Biblical marriage ... basically people put themselves together. There was commitment and public recognition that they belonged to each other. Sure, we have legal marriage now and the Bible says to 'render unto Caesar', but it's an area I struggle with. I guess my living with BF says clearly where I stand, huh 😳

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so just have to put this somewhere:

 

My husband died suddenly of a heart attack even though he lead a very healthy lifestyle.

 

NG is not as health conscience but seems strong and reasonably fit.   Last weekend we were camping and doing some hiking and he was huffing and puffing when we went up hills  .So I was  of course telling  him that he was out of shape and that he better start working out. On wednesady we were out just doing errands and hadn't really walked  far at all and he was again huffing. This time I was more sympathetic and I said somethings not right, that he should go to the doctor. I nagged him a little but didn't follow up. 

 

So friday I arrive at his place after work and he tells me how he was driving early in the day when his chest just totally seized up in excruciating pain, that he had to pull over and that it lasted 20 min.  I made him go to emergency. Diagnosis he had suffered a small heartattack caused by major blood clots in his lungs. His mother died from blood clots that went to her heart. Apparently blood clots can be hereditary . The doctors said it was quite severe. He was treated with blood thinners and he's ok for now but still needs to recover. 

 

He's had to put up with alot of I told you so's because I had told him the breathing thing wasn't right and to get it checked out.

 

Anyways no great point to this except wow how do I run into healthy guys who have heart attacks when they are barely 50??/

 

 

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klim -- so glad he is okay. How are you??? 

 

I can relate; the first husband had a massive heart attack. My LH had congestive heart failure, which eventually (and after a much longer time than the doctor's ever imagined) led to other health problems and his death. BF smokes and occasionally gets on coughing jags. I think about it, about wanting to have a very long relationship at least once in my life. First go was about nine years (seven-ish married), second marriage was about sixteen years (almost 12 married). And certainly don't want to say goodbye again like that.

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Klim how scary!  I’m glad you nagged and he finally listened, hopefully this was the wake up call he needed and the doctors can stay on top of this. 

 

I think this is a fear for most of us when we recouple, we know all too well that bad things can happen to even “healthy “ people. 

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Klim - 

OH boy.  How difficult!  

 

 

Quote

I think this is a fear for most of us when we recouple, we know all too well that bad things can happen to even “healthy “ people.

You were on it.  But so hard.

 

My NG's birthday is Thursday, and he will be 46.  My DH died 6 weeks prior to his 46 birthday, driving to work one morning, one car accident.  I have been irrational thinking of NG driving to work  these past few weeks.  Our  brains go overdrive on some things. BUT YOUR situation was the real deal.   Glad he got in the doctor and is on the mend.  

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Summer schedule.  NG has his kids every other week starting last week.  His mom got here Sunday to do childcare and spend time with the grandchildren while he works.  I wanted to be wrong.  This is our 3rd summer dating.  AND I have seen him for about 45 minutes since Friday morning. I have had a couple days of only texting.  That is it.  Same as the previous summers but I LIVE in the same city now.  He states after Aug, perhaps we can work on integrating in our home?  .  We have vacation planned together in July.  

 

I am venting, so I know I am whining here, so please don't attack me about it.  Did I know what I was getting into?  NO, I could not have imagined.  Other families figure out how to blend.  How hard is it?  His oldest is having integration issues and had to go see his mother today. He has never been like that before.  What the heck?   I had to go by his place Friday to get beer out of his fridge as he couldn't have it in there with the kids there.  It would be brought up in court.  Never mind his  ex FIL is a country club lush.  And his ex SIL has tweets to show her lack of class in managing herself.  OH, GEEZ.  Can it get easier?  WHEN?  

 

I know. Talk to him.  Maybe it is better right now we are not talking.  He has his kids and his mother to care for and manage.  I did offer to take his mother out Sunday as my kid is gone on a missions trip that a.m. for a week and NG made plans with his father and brothers, and she is  glad I offered.  WE will have a girls' day. 

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Vent away tybec.  You're jumping hoops to stay in the game with him and it seems like a heckuva lot that you're dealing with right now.  Getting beer out of his fridge as this could be brought up in court?  There are egregious issues that the courts deal with, it seems excessive to take care of this for him.  As an outsider, it seems to be an unsettling situation that you're unwillingly getting pulled into.  Can you take a step back, realize the craziness and hopefully temporary nature of the situation?    I'm willing to go above and beyond in a relationship, but I need to feel a general sense of stability in my life too.  Hope that you begin to find a balance very soon. 

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What trying2 said, tybec ... although you live in the same town now, it might be good time to set clear boundaries. Your NG is probably overwhelmed by all that he is dealing with right now, so I don't mean necessarily to talk to him about it since, in many cases, talking is just what a guy doesn't need at such a time ... Your actions can make it clear though. Maintain your daily routine. Don't reach out, let him do it. Maybe send a 'good night, hope you had a great day!' text and leave it there. When the dust settles or during a quiet moment when you all go away next month, let him know that you get that he has a schedule to maintain, that you want to respect boundaries and will do so by staying out of it, but that once things do settle down after court (and who knows at this point what 'settle down' means), there needs to be some stability for everyone involved, especially you. That you cannot get put to the side when things seem inconvenient. His ex will always be his ex. She will probably be a you-know-what. You can't change that and neither can he. But if he is serious about this thing, he must work to make it work. 

 

I say that from a real space -- my LH's ex was horrid, even after we got married. I didn't care and lived my life. But when LH had to deal with her, whenever possible I was there with him. When his daughter got into that mode of wanting her mom, he would not take her back to mom's house ... he told her that he was her dad, he wanted to spend time with her, but if she wanted to go she would have to get her mom to come get her. Sometimes her mom did come and he would talk to the ex about what was going on and didn't care if she got mad. When he had to go to court, I went too. Also small town life. It was crazy hectic times but we got through them because he wanted to and so did I. And we both worked at it ...

 

(((hugs))) darlin!

Edited by arneal
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Thank you Arneal and Tryiing2breathe,

 

I must have been on the same vibe, because I did what you all suggested prior to getting here to read.  I didn't push it.  He could tell I was short on the phone when he would call on his way to and from work, and I played it off as work related, which was 50% true.  I felt abandoned and will talk about it when he is back by himself.  But, he did pick up the contact after I didn't talk to him a couple days (he only text or called when I was working) and had short texts.  He picked up my son and took him to the pool where his mother was with the his kids. That was very nice. His birthday is today, and I am going to be happy girlfriend. We have dinner out and I'll have dessert at my house.  This all came together this a.m.  Part of the concerns. We had talked about all this, and then no confirmation and then this morning throwing it together.  I don't understand all that.  How can WE plan and then it falls apart and it is their plan and I am welcome to join?  Anyway, we will discuss later when he does not have the kids and his mother to tend to.  

You are right Arneal. I am looking at just because the custody hearing is happening, does not mean it will be smooth suddenly.  I need steadiness, dependability.  I had that, a rock, a knowing I had a safe haven in my home.  I need something to assure me of that even when he is occupied.  My stuff, my needs.  THANKS!

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Just need to put this somewhere...so excuse my rambling conscience stream of thought.

 

I believe I may have found the person I can see myself with in this second chapter of my life. We've been seeing one another exclusively almost 5 months. We're pretty compatible and have great chemistry. We are at the point to get to the next step: meeting each other's families and such. We've kept our relationship between ourselves mostly.  My girls have briefly met him but have not officially interacted with him. They are a bit shy. He's divorced with 2 kids, younger at 9 and 11 where my girls are 14 and 18. His kids are aware he's dating but I have not actually met them. This step makes me strangely nervous. We have a really good thing and I have this fear that if they don't like me, it'll be over. Talk about a serious issue in my own self confidence! I know my siblings and my own kids are like, if you like him and he's good to you, we support you. I guess it's the fear of the unknown? I know his mother, grandmother, and sister have been anxious to meet me. We haven't been able to solidify any dates because of our crazy schedules. He has joint custody so the kids flip flop back and forth so it's been challenging but we manage to see each other 1-2 times a week. We text and call often. I have also met really good friends of his already and we've done things together as couples. They readily accepted me and it's been great.

 

Is this seemingly irrational anxiety I'm experiencing normal? I also think I'm afraid to plan for a potential future. Grief has given me the fear to plan and dream. It's like a defense mechanism so I don't fall apart. I can't get myself to make any personal long term goals still. I am okay with short term but nothing over a year or two. It's amazing to me in my widowhood journey that I went from not being able to fathom loving someone other that LH to being okay to being possibly alone to finding a person who makes me feel loved and that I'm important to them. 

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J3,

Happy you have found this special someone! Exciting!  

I think all you feel is normal.  You can’t put it in a right or wrong.  Just is.  And some things will be irrational, and some things will be based on reality.  I think the irrational things become easier to manage as you realize they are just that.  Changing those feelings about reality is tough.  Good luck with the next step!  Sounds they all are wanting to get to know you! ❤️

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Jules!!!! Yay!!! So happy for you. Take a deep breath, it will be what it will be. If he turns his back because his children are not immediately taken with you, that's a deeper issue that warrants caution anyway. chances are the kids will be, like yours, a bit shy. You are all new to one another. It's natural. But if he walks away at that point? Good to know. However, I would say that's one in a million and not to be overly concerned. Be your wonderful self -- the one who is comfortable around his friends you've met already. Don't overthink it because that is when problems arise.

 

Thanks for sharing, tybec. So sorry the birthday thing is ... weird? I often think our new signif's have lived so very differently than we have that things like this can certainly rub the wrong way. While not such an extreme example, I have been away all week for work. BF texted me on Monday to tell me I could cancel the house sitter since he would be home with the dogs; he has been suffering from some pain lately and couldn't move well so had called the doctor. He texted again on Tuesday to let me know he had been taken off work for the week and so she didn't have to come at all. I was glad since that saves me money 😁. So I remembered early yesterday that it was time for the lawn service to come and that they would need access to the backyard. The house sitter is great about that but BF is never home to know. I texted to ask him to unlock the gate. No answer. Try the work phone, again, no answer. In the end, he had been resting and away from both phones, never checked them, and I missed having the backyard cleaned (the lawn service gets up all the dog poop back there). It's a minor thing sure, but when you have been where we are and then can't get in touch with a loved one? Well, the mind goes to strange places ... The other money-saving thing is that he will pick me up from the airport today, so no car service to get home. I did say I'd cover dinner on the way, so there's that 😅

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Well, NG is hanging with me as it is his off week from his kids and my teen is on a mission trip.  Father’s Day was fine, and I enjoyed having his mom to do girly things with and get to know her better.  

I waited until Monday night to bring up things.  I was calm, logical, direct and he heard me.  He validated me, which was probably what I needed most.  He did state after Aug. he has hopes to move forward in his life, not just live to worry about what his ex may bring up in court.  It is his choice.  He is getting tired of it all and states he understands I deserve something stable to keep going.  I have things to attend to with my mother’s estate and told him I wasn’t ready to have a partner to bring into that.  So, I am holding off, too. It worked well and I am glad to discuss it in an even keel manner.  So venting may be good tension release but the real deal is better to discuss  calmly.  It is so different than in a 28 yr relationship but working well.  ( breathe)

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Yay, you, tybec. It's never easy to have such conversations and it sounds like you handled it like a champ. 

How is the having NG around all week going? BF came home early a couple days ago and I still crack up how we manage to navigate around here. Since I work from home, it feels weird to have someone here during the day 😅 It is interesting though how I have managed to get used to him being here. He left this morning for a couple days; work has him at a location that is nearly three hours away so he won't be home until Friday, at which point we'll leave again to go away for the weekend. It already feels strange, not expecting him to come through the door at some point this evening ...  

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I'm glad that the discussion went well, tybec.  It does feel good to be heard and validated. 

 

Funny about having somebody around a lot - I told BF recently - half jokingly - that I love our time together but it's a transition getting used to having him around all the time.  It's a good thing that I started dating again as it would be so easy to get into a comfortable solo routine and not have to compromise on anything.  We don't live together and I don't know if we ever will, but he's here most nights for dinner and on weekends. The days of getting into pajamas early and having popcorn and a glass of wine for dinner are over.  

I make the effort to put on something cute, keep the house tidy and most nights put together a nice dinner. My new job is busy, volunteer commitment is too, Mom's chemo treatments start on Monday and my daughter is here for the summer, it's exhausting keeping all of this going.  Trivial complaints definitely, but something's gotta give. sigh .....

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5 minutes ago, trying2breathe said:

The days of getting into pajamas early and having popcorn and a glass of wine for dinner are over.  

I make the effort to put on something cute, keep the house tidy and most nights put together a nice dinner. 

^^^ This, trying2 lol!

 

I am sort of looking forward to a couple of nights like that while BF is away working and imagine that's how the whole week was while I was traveling for work!

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 Trying2  your comment about transitioning to have him around all the tine got me thinking.....

I share my house with my boys 20 and 22 , I love going to NG's house cause  he lives alone and we can do what ever we want.

Here I feel more like I'm hosting him  and it's just more formal. I'm trying to relax into it and make it feel casual because I want to be able to spend more time here. I find when I go to his place all the time, I neglect things at my house, like the gardens and general cleaning. But then there is  also the point that my boys don't interact with me very much when he is here , they wait till I'm here on my own.

 

Anyway struggling with the balance as always....

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That is a tough one, klim, especially if your sons don't interact with you in the same way when he is there. Might there be a way to include all the men in your life in things at your house? It might be that getting them all (sons, NG) to change the dynamic will, well ... change the dynamic 😊 

 

How is it, having grown children at home? I am an only child and left home at 18; when LHs daughter came to stay with us as an adult, it was hard for me. I think it was a combination of not understanding why it was easy for her to live with her parents (she is now 32 and lives with her mom still I think) and having another woman in the house. I mentioned that I went to visit my mom at Christmas and it felt weird -- always has -- staying in her house. If I'd had the money, I would have gotten a hotel suite, had her stay with me there. The last time we (LH, my son, and I) went back east as a family that's what we did. We got a big suite with two bedrooms and a pull-out couch; my son had the couch, my mom had the second bedroom, and we had the master. BF sometimes laughs at how I do things an attributes it to the solitary life of an only child. Just wondering (rambling? lol).

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