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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Funny how you can live, and live without!  My husband and I married, and he finished his BA, and I went on and got my Masters.  We both worked two part time jobs, and we both got jobs in our schools, me, a grad assistant position and he, a lab assistant job.  We survived on his GI bill and stipends, all hand me down stuff. After we bought a house, he would sometimes say, "Boy, the mortgage, full time job, all the debt and responsibilities, sometimes those first years of marriage were the best!."  When I looked for a new home, in my late 40s, I went to many homes that had young couples with babies and small children, and I wondered how the heck they could afford this kind of home so young!  Just different now.

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Ahh, those early days when things were simple.  We rubbed nickels together but took pleasure in the small stuff.  One of our favorite things to do to kick off a weekend on a Friday after work - sit on a dock on the bay and share a small tub of ice cream and watch the sailboats go by.  😌  I haven't done this in years - 

 

NG and I are entertaining this weekend, a first for us.  I'm happy that we're settling and doing okay.  

 

Happy Weekend All ~    

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tybec   Entertaining went well, hosted a bbq at my house with three other couples.  It's interesting how this brings out new dimensions in a relationship and I was pretty happy with the way we worked together.   Now to get our friends group going - we're trying to expand our social circle and finding a good fit with other couples isn't easy.  

 

Hope all is well - it's been quiet around here lately!

 

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T2B, 

 

You bring up a good point. I am so glad your co-hosting worked well.  Friends groups matter. You are so right about another dynamic.

 

NG and I have had up and downs, and I didn't want to vent all over the site.  We are talking, working out things.  It is very easy for me to go to girlfriends who tell me what I want to hear or protect me.  I talked out with him some things, and I really was absorbed with my side, and when I heard his side and feelings/thoughts, I had to rethink mine.  Valid points.  Things to mull over.  

I did have a new thought.  I am very busy if my son continues marching band.  So, last weekend, I had all that, and my MIL came down for my son's birthday, and NG's kid-free weekend was spent alone as I had things.  I thought, well, he can feel  how it feels. He said, "well, double standard."  Huh...    

 

So, maybe I may need to wait and get my kid graduated from HS.  This is so not my thinking a year ago.  But, there is so much involved with 3 kids.  And he has such a schedule, and it is sacred, and we will be going separate ways often.  WE have rare couple moments with others therefore.  And this would give him time to work out all these custody things.  But that could lead to us growing apart.  He is now ready to marry when I am ready.  I have so much financial things to reconcile and plan, and a year from now I will have to go back to work full time.  Lots of changes. 

 

So, rambling here.  Lots to consider.  Full weekend with band, and he has his kids. We are doing a tri-marathon Sunday together involving caving as one third, but I am hiking 2 parts, and not bicycling the third due to back issues.  It is kid friendly, so no big pressure as he has little guys.  His kids are not in shape, and the oldest is overweight, and he is concerned as the doctor has brought it up.  He wants his kids to have a healthy lifestyle and does not see their mother doing it. So, we do active things. The oldest is starting to buck, too.  Just so much.

 

GLAD to hear from you!  Happy Weekend.

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Tybec, it can be hard for outsiders to give constructive criticism when they mainly hear the venting side of things and not so much all the good stuff that makes a relationship worth staying in. They just want to be supportive but don’t realize how their myopic vision is not exactly helpful in the long run. 

 

So- here’s my own myopic take on this, feel free to dismiss entirely, I won’t be hurt 🙂 Your natural state of being is to be part of a couple. You spent your entire adulthood in a relationship, so it feels like your normal- especially since it was with a person who knew you for almost the entirety of your life- that’s a pretty huge thing. But it also means extra growing pains for you because you are now a fully formed adult trying to have a relationship with another fully formed adult. This is all brand new to you and out of your comfort zone and a pain in the butt because it’s just not gonna be as easy as the clean slate you had the first time around. Ever. 

 

I do see you slowly letting go of your unrealistic ideals about what a relationship ought to look like and accepting the reality, though still pretty cranky about it, of course- because who wants to have to deal with drama and conflict? I also see you letting go of your need to define yourself within the parameters  of a romantic relationship. I see you learning to enjoy the freedoms that come with having autonomy in your and your child’s life. I think you are understanding that you can stand on your own two feet just fine, thank you very much. It can be nice to have a partner to help with things and share experiences, but it’s not necessary any longer for you to feel fulfilled as a human being. 

 

So, now, you have to decide if you want to be tied for life to this man and find yourself not being able to say more than: ‘well, maybe...’ Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with waiting until you feel sure.  I know you’ve invested a lot of time here, but don’t let that sway you either way. my philosophy on relationships is not that an ending means failure, it just means it’s no longer able to function in a healthy manner.  But then, you two met during tumultuous times for the both of you so who knows what things will look like in a few years? 

 

So, basically, you need to decide if he can fit into your life and if you want to try to fit into his. The problem is there are no right or wrong answers here. But I’m rooting for you and supporting you❤️

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Hi all -- seems we are all slogging through life and love and whatnot 😅

 

My church has an annual marriage retreat; along with that, we have sessions on relationships (interestingly, they name it in relation to marriage because of course, in faith community, everything leads to marriage, right? lol). For those of us who signed up, we got books and a workbook -- Saving your marriage before it starts. It is very good, even if marriage is not where you want to go. It delves into the differences with communication between men and women for example. There is a workbook for married folks and one for singles, for the man and for the woman, with exercises for each that they then share. I've done mine on my own, completing the assignments we were given as part of the series as a single person since BF doesn't attend with me. I'm reading up on some very good bits and recommend it for anyone interested. tybec -- your comment about feedback from friends is what made me think of it; one of the things they mention is that our spouse/partner should be our best friend ... can we talk to him or her about all things or do we talk more to our associates sort of thing in the chapter on that. The needs of the man versus the needs of the woman was good reading as well: there are differences in the way we see things, men and women, and to think that our partners see the world as we do is untrue.

 

BF is thinking about school (no encouragement from the university faculty member in the house LOL) but is worried on the financial end. I'm not pressing, not offering to do much, but put it out there that I'm here to help. He reluctantly admitted there were some things he might need help with soon; it made me think of the book I mention above -- one of the things they say about men is that they often want to be the problem-solvers and when they can't do that, they feel bad ... when we women folk offer to help (or can actually fix whatever it is), that makes it worse. So, I am trying my best to keep most of my nose out of it 😂 We'll see where it goes.

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Bunny, thank you.  You have a way of writing and sharing that is helpful, challenging without being snarky or plain rude.  I do not disagree with your assessment of my situation. I appreciate your well thought out comments and honesty.

 

Arneal, pm me the book, please.   I mentioned to NG I think we should do premarital counseling.  A pastor friend who was there for me when DH died noted me dating and shared that divorcing alone does not solve problems and to be cautious of someone divorced for their own healing.  Ending a relationship does not always "fix" the problems.  AND I have my own stuff, obviously.   My marriage was not perfect, for sure.  And later in life brings on so much more in experiences.  Good, bad and ugly.  But workable, as seen by folks here that recouple. 

 

Arneal, I agree about the best friend. and my LH was my best friend.  I didn't talk to others about us.  It was respect and trust.  I am not there yet with NG.  Anyway.  THANKS all!

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well life is tricky eh.....I don't know exactly where it's heading.

 

I mentioned before that I'm sort of living in two homes. It's kinda interesting the way it's working out.( mind you we're only 2 weeks in. I'm at my place Sunday night through till Friday when I head to my weekend house right after work,plus  Bf and I get together for a date night some time during the week. BF tried to make it twice during the week but I told him I need some space. It's true , when he gives me a bit of "me time" I can appreciate our together times better. If we're constantly together I feel I'm neglecting my kids and my house and then I feel anxious. 

 

I've been trying to analyse what the draw is to NG and make sure that it's the right stuff to make a life long relationship. Arneal maybe those books have some advice on that....

I can have a very good time with NG, he is spontaneous and has a go for it, positive attitude. I was actually telling him today that part of his personality is similar to DH...although they are definitely different people. With NG as with DH this attitude leads to a lot of adventure. Obviously I'm drawn to that. What I worry about is that NG is definitely ADHD and has some quirks  and that all takes energy to handle....in a way I'm worried if I'm with him full time I'll burn out...if that makes sense......that the quirks won't be amusing but irritating and the constant need to go will be exhausting....or the need for me to reign him in and set the pace( which is what I do now) will wear me down........oh the things we end up thinking about. 

 

Maybe I'll just go back to not thinking and going with the flow.

 

Oh and on the topic of sharing with friends to get their opinion, I shared my thought about the ADHD and quirks with a friend and she reminded me that I'm fairly high energy and not exactly normal.......Thanks alot!!!      Actually she's a good friend and she  probably was being honest...it's always good to know how others view you.🤩

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In conversation with a friend years ago when deciding whether to marry my LH, my friend suggested that I would know if it was right when there was nothing telling me that it wasn't right.   Fast forward to now and rephrased - post-widowhood, children and a lot of life experience - maybe it's right if there is nothing major that says that it isn't right.  My mode these days, like klim - an attempt to not overthink and to go with the flow - easy to say and much harder to do, but it seems to be working pretty well so far. 

 

tybec   Do you see a time when it can be just the two of you, and he can be your best friend?  In the meantime, can you go separate ways and not grow apart?   Are you in love with the concept of love and not necessarily with him?  You have been on the fence with this relationship for a long time, IMO time will tell.  

 

arneal  PM the book to me also, please! 

Edited by trying2breathe
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Klim,

Your post resonated with me.  My LH was ADHD, text book.  High school years were like most teens, and no diagnosis of it then.  A good 'whooping" when he was younger was the family's handling.  Marine Corp. helped him organize and become disciplined, but as an adult, it came back to the point he pursued treatment after a psych. eval. by my colleague, a neuropsychologist.  He was energetic, life of the party, silly and worked with kids great.  I lived with it at home, and it was just the way it was.  Anxiety was a comorbidity problem and as he moved up in his career, it reared its head.  We made it through. Good luck with with your guy and figuring all that out. 

 

T2T,

Thank your for your input. I am sorting through a lot.  I feel I have "beaten a dead horse" here and need to get on with it. 2028 is the year NG talks of us having our time, when his youngest is 18.  My son will be out of the house likely in 2022.  I expect it.  I love HIM.  He is a good man, excellent father, and we can and have spent hours talking together about anything. He brings a complementary part of himself to my personality.  He challenges me in my thinking and brought up about my "ideals"  (Bunny;-)) He is a loyal and honest man, transparent. WE are great together, but it is not just us to consider.  I know there are no guarantees in life.  I am "growing up" in a new relationship, changing my schemas as they say in psychology.  He has agreed to be patient with me as I sort through my stuff.  

Again appreciate the input. I believe I am becoming tiring to many.  Thanks.

Edited by tybec
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tybec -- never tiring ... this is why we are here! 

 

trying2: I'm posting here since it may be something others are interested in!

 

Saving Your Marriage before it Starts: https://g.co/kgs/Ei3zRL. The hardback (and maybe other versions as well) has a code for a $5 discount on the $35 per couple assessment; the problem is you have to find a person who is trained in the assessment to give you the results. If you go to the website for the assessment, there is a way to search for local people trained to do so and there is also a link to get trained as well.

 

Happy Monday, all!

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Thank you, arneal.  I'm not necessarily headed towards marriage, but anything to help out a relationship is always welcome! 🤗

 

tybec   What stands out to me is this - "2028 is the year when NG talks of us having our time".   Regardless of circumstances - stress, custody hearings, the frantic goings on of children, in-laws, exes, yada yada - now can be your time.  Blended families, whether you're physically together or not, living together or separately, married or not, it's a decision to make it work or not.  As we all very well know, there are no guarantees and we are not promised tomorrow.  It's a decision on whether to move forward in the relationship, based on what you know.  Ten years is a long time to wait to have your time together .....

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Sure thing, trying2. I don't imagine marriage is in my future but I am not adverse to it. I have moments where I think I'd like to be married again and other times when I think I'd like to remain as we are.

 

Funny -- my mom goes through ups and downs with her companion. Lately, she's been spending time with this older gentleman she met at dialysis. They've gone to eat, they've been to each other's houses. I don't know if she's let her companion know; I mean, it's not like she's also dating this other gentleman but I plan to say something to her the next time we chat. She and her companion have their own homes, they come and go as they please, they are each other's emergency health contact and for all intents and purposes are a strong couple. It gave me pause when she told me about the times she's spent with this other man. I do live with my BF so I am sure I am looking at the whole thing differently than she is. Her companion doesn't want marriage (he and his previous signif lived together for many years -- 20? -- without a hint of desire for marriage) and I don't think she does either.

 

However, I did have a faith conversation during a recent time of devotional. In my prayer I asked that if we were meant to continue on as we are, so be it; if we are to marry, let the signs evidence themselves; and if we are to go our separate ways, let it happen sooner rather than later, with grace and friendly parting.

 

In the end, it will be what it will be ...

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Interesting arneal, the dynamics of your mom's relationships.  I wonder what her long term companion's thoughts would be on this.  Maybe they are coupled but without a romantic connection? NG has referred to me a few times as a good companion, and for our relationship I don't like the term. To me it implies that we've partnered for practical purposes and without much of a romantic connection.  Makes me wonder if coupling at this stage of life is more about the practicalities - the emergency contact, etc.., and less about the romance.

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Yes, certainly interesting, trying2. As far as the long-term companion, no -- they are romantically involved. Perhaps the older gentleman is considered just a friend. However, I can't imagine telling BF that I am going out to breakfast with this older man I know ... maybe it's an age thing? I don't know. I plan to say something to her, from the perspective of 'help me understand' rather than seeming I am making an accusation.

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3 hours ago, trying2breathe said:

Interesting arneal, the dynamics of your mom's relationships.  I wonder what her long term companion's thoughts would be on this.  Maybe they are coupled but without a romantic connection? NG has referred to me a few times as a good companion, and for our relationship I don't like the term. To me it implies that we've partnered for practical purposes and without much of a romantic connection.  Makes me wonder if coupling at this stage of life is more about the practicalities - the emergency contact, etc.., and less about the romance.

T2B, I read this and thought WOW! Do both of you have young children? Just one of you? 2028, really? How old is he? What???  Companion???? Are both of you in your 90's?

I just turned (omg, dare I say) last week 55, and I still want romance in my life! I still miss the way my dh would kiss and touch me.

I'm still VERY much alive and want romance and SEX!!!

I'm sitting here feeling very sad by what I read, I don't want a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me, that is why I divorced the last guy, but there is a difference of being lonely verses being alone....

Best of luck to you....

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Hi, sudnly -- I hear you! I will be 50 in February and BF is 54. After one abusive marriage where I didn't want to be touched at all and a second marriage in which my LH had health issues that affected our intimate life, I am grateful. We have our 'companion' days but there is always an element of I guess I would call it romantic connection. In the book I mentioned, they talked about not negating the importance of non-sexual touch. I never understood that until this relationship.

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SS, don't be sad on my behalf - I'm making up for several years of lost time 😉   I'll add that the logistics and practicality of a relationship at this age for me, are important.   And the romance part of it is equally important.   Whereas when I was younger, being practical wasn't really something I considered and the sex was a given.

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Hmmmmm...lots of food for thought here in this thread...

 

I would describe my bf as an excellent companion in that we travel well together and are generally well-suited personality-wise, food-wise, lifestyle-wise. I guess I think of that as one aspect of my relationship, separate but certainly equal from the romantic sexy-time stuff. Certain words can means different things to people and I myself have been guilty of using my own thoughts to explain something my bf said instead of clarifying it with him instead. Spoiler Alert- I’m wrong a lot! But to be fair, he does it too. We are both still learning each other’s unique languages. 

 

He and I both have opposite sex friends. It does require an added layer of trust, but honestly I couldn’t be with someone who insisted all of my closest friends had to be the same sex as me, I would find that controlling. For me- you can’t ‘steal’ someone away who isn’t already available to be stolen; so if another woman can “take” him from me, then she can have him. This doesn’t mean I’m incapable of jealousy, for sure, just that I don’t seem to have it as one of my bigger issues. 

 

 

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Agree, bunny. BF and I have opposite sex friends but we also both have very small circles; those friends (as are most of ours!) are at a distance so it's not like my mom, her companion, and this other friend. They all are basically around each other all the time. I always tell BF when I am going somewhere (loss has done that for me) and he does it out of general 'relationship politeness' now, especially since we are in the same house. When we first started seeing each other, he would only mention going out of town for example if I suggested we meet up and he was already planning to be gone. I am sure it's different if one is very close to opposite sex friends; mine are not that close so it's never even been a thing :)

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We are actually getting ready to go stay with one of my out-of-town male friends for a few days so we’ll see how that goes! I’m very excited because I haven’t seen him in ages. For those who are closer to home, I guess it’s about respecting the other person in their life by being open and friendly and non-threatening. Plus, being completely transparent with my bf, who is a more jealous person than myself! 

 

And, yes, we do communicate our whereabouts like I never have before simply because, after a while, my mind can go to some worrisome places; though I’ve noticed it takes longer and longer for the anxiety to set in, so- progress!  

 

 Who knows? Maybe your mom and her companion have instigated a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy 😀 we all do what we can to keep things fresh and exciting...

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