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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Hey trying2! So glad to hear that it went well. Yes, fitting in like a bro but knowing you were there as girlfriend. Very important!

 

This will be our third Thanksgiving in each other's presence. I am blown away at how quickly the time has gone. First year I invited him here, last year was at his place (I brought a couple things over -- it didn't go quite the way he'd hoped but I think it was good), and this year, it will be here with us together. Amazing ...

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Oh sigh .... I'm trying hard to manage logistics of Thanksgiving.    My in-laws want to get together with my family,  NG is with us this year and I'm reluctant to introduce them to him.  I'm struggling - NG is so much different than LH.  LH was straight-laced and button down, NG is not.   My in-laws have been openly judgmental about others in the past, including loud comments about tattoos, of which NG has many.  I don't want them to meet - don't want to experience what I think will be a fallout and my in-laws questioning me on my choice of NG.  Need some feedback here - is it wrong to not want to make introductions? 

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Hey there, trying2: I guess the question is, do you want to stay connected to these in-laws? Can you go to both? Can you have a conversation with NG, explaining that you don't want to expose him to some madness? Then the question becomes if NG is someone who you plan to have in your life, do you move forward and create family with him in a way that either includes these former in-laws (where you all sit down and lay out the ground rules, like telling them not to judge you or anyone in your life and preparing NG for their attitude just in case) or keeping those two parts of your life separate, where you do things with former in-laws and do other things with NG? That second option doesn't sound like a great foundation to me. 

 

I have to say that I may not be asking the right questions since the first husband was estranged from his dad and his mom was dead. I walked away from his remaining family at his death because they knew him as a very different person than I did; I didn't feel it was right for me to possibly cloud their feelings about him after he was dead. We lived with LH's dad for a while; his mom was dead when we met and his dad died the year before we married. I am still connected to some of his family but have only told a couple of them about NG. Those where the ones I felt closest to. The others I haven't said anything to about him because I just don't think it's necessary at this point. We don't live in the same state, they aren't responsible for me in any way, so there's that.

 

If you have some connection to these folks still, beyond sentiment and shared memories, only you can know what is the right way to proceed. The bottom line is, be happy and do what is best for you and your household ...

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Trying2breathe,

 

Are you hosting? I think if you are, then you need to set the tone for what you want. Your kids are adults?  So, is being with the in-laws needed for them?   Can you do a couple meals?  Maybe meet them on the weekend for a meal somewhere?  New traditions may be warranted. 

 

My NG did not want to go to my LH's big family Christmas party.  80 plus usually there.  My son did not want him to go, either.  He was invited by MIL. I think she knows if we don't do things with him, she won't see us. But he didn't want to hang with my LH's family , and I didn't blame him.  But If I had an event at my house, my rules, my guests?  What does NG think?  If he is open to it, then he is very open minded and will do fine.  Will you?  Will your kids?  

 

My MIL has visited a couple times since I moved.  NG has been around some. He notes the dynamics change completely with her presence. She kinda "owns" the room, but he is the new man in my life. I admire families that can blend all, but not realistic for most of us.  

 

 

IT IS NOT WRONG TO NOT WANT to MAKE INTRODUCTIONS.  It is strange a death can transform all dynamics.  BUT , if you and NG do the long term, he is your person, family, and they (in-laws) will shift.  Just happens with most....

Edited by tybec
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Agreed, tybec; it isn't wrong at all. Based on trying2's description, it sounds like former in-laws are judgy. That sets a tough precedent for engagement. I don't do well with that, personally, and prefer not to be around such folks at all myself. Having a special needs son has made me very sensitive to judgmental attitudes. There were people I didn't take him around when LH and I lived near family. I refuse to have my feelings hurt because they are picking on him behind his back sort of thing, or treating us weird because they don't understand special needs. I remember too when LH and I first were dating; one of his cousins stopped being interested in talking to me because I wouldn't dish gossip and negativity with her about LH's ex. Not my kind of conversation; even if I wasn't all that fond of her because of her antics, I will respect LH and his daughter and not talk about his ex/her mom, you know?

 

Bottom line for us all: protect self, protect children, protect other loved ones. If the former in-laws are still part of life, some ground rules need to happen. Such may involve a conversation with NG to give him context, a second conversation with former in-laws, and then have them together ... just a thought.

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18 hours ago, trying2breathe said:

Oh sigh .... I'm trying hard to manage logistics of Thanksgiving.    My in-laws want to get together with my family,  NG is with us this year and I'm reluctant to introduce them to him.  I'm struggling - NG is so much different than LH.  LH was straight-laced and button down, NG is not.   My in-laws have been openly judgmental about others in the past, including loud comments about tattoos, of which NG has many.  I don't want them to meet - don't want to experience what I think will be a fallout and my in-laws questioning me on my choice of NG.  Need some feedback here - is it wrong to not want to make introductions? 

Wow how the tension comes off of your post t2b! With saying that , you already know that your family was forever changed the day your dh died and you can't make it be the way it used 

to be for your late mil. If YOU still have a great relationship with her then I don't think there would be all of this tension. 

Like some of the others have said if yours kids are grown, and IF they want to go to the grandparents for the holiday then let them go. Otherwise it's time for YOU to have the talk with mil and enjoy living life again. Cause no matter what you or she does it won't bring dh back for either one of you. Sorry to say those things, it hurts me to say them cause I miss my dh so much right now...

Best of luck to you, be strong.

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Thanks for the feedback, appreciate all of the responses.  It's been stressful to try and manage this.  And I wonder why I'm trying to manage something that's unmanageable.  I need to put down ground rules, and it's difficult to face this head on and say it out loud to my in-laws that I don't want them to meet NG.  The relationship with my in-laws is difficult because they are judgy and meddling, DH and his brother knew this and we've all handled the relationship over the years by not being entirely open and forthcoming with them.  I don't do well with judgmental people either, have had to hold my opinion many times with the things they've said and done in order to avoid conflict, and have conversations later with my kids about their grandparents' bigoted actions and comments.  My kids don't really like or respect their grandparents, I'm not sure they'd make the effort to keep in touch with them and I feel like the glue that keeps it together.  With my in-laws, we've filtered our real life issues and not fully shared - BIL encourages this with his parents as it's "simpler this way".  Unhealthy relationship, for sure.  Seems I'm continuing this unhealthy pattern and trying to avoid a tough conversation.  

 

My in-laws continue to be in my life as my children are their only grandkids, and I also feel a responsibility to be there for them now that they're older.  We've shared a lot over the years, now It's becoming more of an obligatory relationship for me, for them I'm what's left of their dear son and to severe ties I believe would be harsh. They live 4+ hours away so no frequent visits and I'm glad for this.   Both of my kids are not with us for Thanksgiving,  I'm breaking tradition this year and not hosting, I've said several times no we're not getting together this year yet they are still asking to come and visit my family.   I need to put my foot down, again say no and be honest and say why - and it's difficult.  Sorry for the long saga, if you're read through this so far thank you, it's helpful to suss all of this out in writing.  I realize that this is a high class problem to have, given that I'm grateful to have NG in my life and a holiday to celebrate.  

 

I've been more than accommodating over the years.  NG is my person - protect self, protect children, protect other loved ones - be happy, do what is best for me and my household.   

Repeat .....

 

On another note - what are your Thanksgiving plans?

 

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Girl this is NOT a "high class" problem, it is a widow/er, everyday problem! 

Stand your ground, and you already have a valid reason for not hosting them this year. Make it clear your kids are NOT going to be home so you won't be there either. Sometimes you have to tell a little white lie to keep the negative away.😏 We get it!

I didn't cut off the in laws , they all cut me off when my dh died including my step kids that I helped raise!

So girl, BE STRONG, you already have a VALID reason, stick to it, say it one more time, then STOP!

Stop answering them, stop guilting yourself, and girl enjoy yourself with your new guy!!! YOU deserver this after everything you have been through....

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....😉😊

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THANKSGiving. 

 

Had not posted. It is a downer. 

My NG always goes to his mother's as she comes here to take care of the kids all the breaks as he works year round, like most of us. So, he feels obligated to go South, flying, too far to drive.  I understand. And his family is all there, so his kids get a sense of family besides their mother's side here.  

 

Well, I intended to go to my nephew's who is in the same vicinity. Went last year and it was wonderful!  BUT, they decided not to host a big meal.  Now mind you, it is my nephew, his wife who is an only child and their two children. My brother and SIL are going as they always do. The niece in law's father comes for the day, as her parents' are divorced.  It was a fantastic time last year and my niece in law made it like a resort with food and accommodations. They live well as my Nephew has a great job.  So, the widow and her kid are not invited.  It hurt.  The entire upstairs is available, as they live downstairs. Anyway, my brother framed it as it was not us, but them. They do not want much company, and they  shortened their visit. They also requested my other nephew and family to get other accommodations when they come to visit now, from Abu Dhabi,, mind you. So, Not going. 

 

NG's mother does not have room.  I was told this last year. So I quickly made plan B.  MIL and family would love to have us ANYtime, so headed opposite parts of the country.   My kid loves the big family gatherings, and I used to host, but that ended. So he is okay with seeing his granny and all the cousins (his father's and their kids and their kids).  But NG and I will not be together, a 3rd Thanksgiving dating.

My feelings were hurt as NG just was matter of fact about it. He would have liked me to come and stay in a hotel, but I am not doing that for a holiday.  And he is spending loads on his kids.  His kids are going on a cruise at Christmas with the mother's side, and I feel he is playing THAT game. He says I have the money, and I do from my mother's death last year, but I have to live on it. 

So, last week was my mother's anniversary of her death. So, it all hit the fan at the same time. I also had not talked to NG over the weekend as he had his kids.  So we went over that again. And again.  We fought a lot and I was sad, and he forgot the time of year.  It was bad.  

 

So, I made my choice to go North.  A cousin has already called excited we are coming.  We will have  a big family celebration with LH's side of the family.  My 35th year in their lives, now. It will be okay.  But I am struggling with it all.  I will not keep having the same conversations and NG is getting tired of it, too.  So, getting through the holidays, which is also my wedding anniversary and then LH's death. DOES it ever not have its presence?  

 

I have a lot to be thankful for and will focus on gratitude.  I know I am blessed with much good fortune and my son and I will be fine. 

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Sorry tybec🙁. Sounds like it's time to rethink the whole relationship with this guy. I've read all your post and I realize that there is give and take in a relationship, but girl it just never sounds like he has that true loving respect for you.

I know for me that no one will ever take dh's place, but I also know that I want to be respected, and I want to be their #1, like they don't want to go days without me, not that they can't but they don't want to! 

I understand the importance of kids too, but damn they grow up and leave home, THEN WHAT?

I'm sorry but girl please take some time and really rethink this relationship with this guy. My gut screams every time you talk about him, and not in a good way, sorry.....

Even though I lost everything, I can honestly say I'm glad to be rid of the one I had, NEVER SETTLE, NEVER...…

 

And to answer your question, their (dh, parents, all those we've lost and loved) presence is with us forever now, embrace it, and enjoy it. smile when it touches us in those moments if you can....

Keeping you in my prayers....

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2 hours ago, trying2breathe said:

The relationship with my in-laws is difficult because they are judgy and meddling, DH and his brother knew this and we've all handled the relationship over the years by not being entirely open and forthcoming with them.  I don't do well with judgmental people either, have had to hold my opinion many times with the things they've said and done in order to avoid conflict, and have conversations later with my kids about their grandparents' bigoted actions and comments.  My kids don't really like or respect their grandparents, I'm not sure they'd make the effort to keep in touch with them and I feel like the glue that keeps it together.  With my in-laws, we've filtered our real life issues and not fully shared - BIL encourages this with his parents as it's "simpler this way".  Unhealthy relationship, for sure.  Seems I'm continuing this unhealthy pattern and trying to avoid a tough conversation.  

 

My in-laws continue to be in my life as my children are their only grandkids, and I also feel a responsibility to be there for them now that they're older.  We've shared a lot over the years, now It's becoming more of an obligatory relationship for me, for them I'm what's left of their dear son and to severe ties I believe would be harsh. They live 4+ hours away so no frequent visits and I'm glad for this.   Both of my kids are not with us for Thanksgiving,  I'm breaking tradition this year and not hosting, I've said several times no we're not getting together this year yet they are still asking to come and visit my family.   I need to put my foot down, again say no and be honest and say why - and it's difficult.  Sorry for the long saga, if you're read through this so far thank you, it's helpful to suss all of this out in writing.  I realize that this is a high class problem to have, given that I'm grateful to have NG in my life and a holiday to celebrate.  

 

I've been more than accommodating over the years.  NG is my person - protect self, protect children, protect other loved ones - be happy, do what is best for me and my household.   

Repeat .....

 

 

trying2 -- I guess I am confused a bit by your post. Please do not feel obligated in any way to reply here ...

 

If your LH and others feel these inlaws are meddlesome, if your kids really don't dig them like that, and if you feel you are 'the glue', it sounds like you are forcing the relationships to continue. If after the death of their son, these people are judgy toward you, that's their problem. You have, based on this, done above and beyond what anyone could possibly imagine to maintain a good connection to them. If their own kids tippy toe around them, none of that sounds healthy for any involved. 

 

Sure, they are your kids' only grandparents, but if the kids themselves aren't particularly enthused, what can you do?

 

Sure, your kids are your inlaws' only grandkids, but if they are judgy, what can you do? Your kids could resent you for making them deal with people that cause them more discomfort.

 

If they don't do anything positive for you (emotionally, spiritually, physically -- not to be shallow there, but some people do stay connected because inlaws pay some bills, rent or mortgage, or hold other financial power) and they make you feel like you can't be you, what's the positive side overall?

 

I have known people who deal with what you are dealing with from inlaws because of that physical connection -- the inlaws threaten to take away inheritance from grandkids, they say they will stop helping with school bills for them, they say they will stop helping with rent or mortgage or cars or whatever the deceased was handling and because of their connection to him or her they took up paying. One person I know had a big row with her kids because the inlaws said they would stop paying school tuition; the person did not have the ability to pay on her own so she said that the kids could either work to stay there or go to another school she could afford to help with (key words there: help with ... not pay for them). They didn't like that and wanted grandmom and grandpop to keep paying. Their mom told them then they needed to work out whether they could also live with grandparents. As it turned out, the grandparents were not that into these kids and said no. The kids then realized what was going on and came alongside their mom. All that is blackmail. Sure, it's easy to get comfy with someone else handling financial responsibility, but it doesn't help those kids and it doesn't help the widowed spouse move on and take up life either.

 

If your kids are old enough to decide how they want to engage their grandparents, maybe talk with them as adults or young adults to find out what they think about you moving on. It is not your responsibility to keep your LH alive for his parents. Yes, it is horrible to lose a child. It is horrible to lose a spouse. If they aren't allowing you to move on with your life because they want to stay where they are with healing, it isn't your responsibility to do what is unhealthy for you.

 

Sorry for the rant, but I am so hurt that you have to deal with this. I get it -- my LH's family thinks I am sitting here, wringing my hands. I think his daughter was thinking the same, but has since figured out I've moved on. None of them were here with us when he was sick. They do not have the right to tell me how to live. They don't know what our conversations were, what he wanted for me, and if I told them, they probably wouldn't believe me. I can't carry that for them. If they decide to dislike me for it, so be it. That's between them and the Creator.

 

Exhale ... 

 

To your question about Thanksgiving: I sort of cheated, in that I ordered my meat online this year. I have two racks of lamb to cook plus a creme brulee cheesecake. I also got the meat trio (turkey breast, ham, and prime rib) from Honeybaked. I am still deciding on sides lol -- but the carnivore in BF and I will be satisfied. My son may or may not call me. I am sure my mom will. I have two of LH's cousins who are like family to me who will probably call that day. I am off work Thursday and Friday (maybe a part day on Wednesday) and am looking forward to doing as little as possible, work wise, until Monday. I already gave BF and my mom their Christmas gifts because I've come to a place that if I can do it now, why wait since no moment is promised. Between this weekend and next, I plan to get my son a gift and send it so I don't have to deal with him calling and acting all nonchalant next month when his reason for doing so is to (in his mind ... the mind of a special needs guy) 'butter' me up for Christmas ...

 

Hope everyone will do something to make this holiday season grand ...

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2 hours ago, arneal said:

 

 

 

 I have two racks of lamb to cook plus a creme brulee cheesecake. I also got the meat trio (turkey breast, ham, and prime rib) from Honeybaked. I am still deciding on sides lol --

Hope everyone will do something to make this holiday season grand ...

Are you having guests???? Sounds delish ….(hint) I can make some wonderful sides to go with all that MEAT, lol

Actually, it's not cheating when you preorder some of the meat/or dishes pre made. It's called , enjoying yourself, and working smarter not harder !😄😉

Happy Turkey Day to you and your fellow, and to all the rest of you out there 🐖🦃🐮

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You are welcome -- come on over! It's just the two of us :) I wanted something different for the day itself (and since it is more than likely that deer was on the platter at some of those early meals, we're a lot closer to the spirit of the thing with lamb lol) but to go along with tradition, we need to also have turkey and other 'typical' stuff for the weekend. After all, nothing like a turkey sandwich the day after!

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Does sound delish, arneal - wish I lived closer!  My newly separated brother is hosting, is cooking the turkey by himself this year - this should be interesting as he's never done one before  🤔 NG and I are bringing sides - probably some kind of baked squash, mashed potatoes, stuffing, some greens- and NG will bake his mother's cranberry cake.  My mom makes her pumpkin pie, Dad will make the gravy.  Yum - love Thanksgiving, and I'm really hoping to make it a somewhat relaxing holiday!

 

Re. in-laws, I don't feel obligated to respond but do want to clarify.  You're on the money that my in-laws have contributed financially, they started school funds for my kids in their names and pretty much covered college expenses for both of my children.  Which was very generous of them, and appreciated by me.  I think that this generosity makes me hesitate to call my in-laws out on their shit.   I don't feel that I force my relationship with them, instead deal with them when they are around. And I don't force my kids to spend time with them, my kids are young adults and can choose to spend their time as they wish.  The in-laws haven't (yet) been openly judgy with me - probably because I filter what they know of me - but they judge others in a loud and vocal way.   It's pretty horrifying to witness them loudly criticize somebody's tattoos, style of dress or disabilities, when that person and others can hear.  BIL and I have reacted to this behavior when we see it and ask them to stop, hasn't made much of a difference so far.

 

Do I have an obligation to maintain this relationship, because they've paid for my kids' schooling?  No -  but my kids are in college right now, and I'm reminded of where their tuition payments come from.  Are my in-laws acting inappropriately because they know that they can get away with it?  Not sure - they are who they are, there's no mistaking that they're bigoted, biased and highly opinionated.  What would you do?   They're both in their mid-80's  - there's no changing them at this point. They've said to me that they want for me to meet somebody and want to see me re-marry someday.   Great to hear,  I just don't want to share this part of my life with them and be subjected to their scrutiny and criticism.  Want to add that I also feel an obligation to keep the connection because of my LH, I know that it's what he would want.  sigh .....

 

tybec   A big reach out and hug to you - I'm hurting that you're going through Thanksgiving again without your guy.  It makes me angry, to be honest.  He's your guy, and you should be included, period.

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tryin2 -- you might drop a gentle hint to your brother ... search the cavity for gibblets, thaw and wash before cooking 😃 There is a gentleman who is essentially dealing with homelessness that I know because of LH; this man lives in a little 'apartment' behind a country store. The people who run the store sort of look out for him but do more complaining about him than anything else. They care but not as though he were family, even though he thinks of them as family. I will take him a plate on Thanksgiving afternoon; I gave him a lot of LH's clothes to keep and share with the other 'transient' men who come through and might need something. I still go by and check on him. He's a good guy.

 

Quote

BIL and I have reacted to this behavior when we see it and ask them to stop, hasn't made much of a difference so far.

 

That right there is one of the main reasons I've stepped back, big time, from social media. I can't deal with negativity these days, have very little patience for it ...

 

Great questions here: 

Quote

Are my in-laws acting inappropriately because they know that they can get away with it?  Not sure - they are who they are, there's no mistaking that they're bigoted, biased and highly opinionated.  What would you do? 

 

I would be inclined to say that they don't act that way because they know they can get away with it; you and your BIL (their other son?) tell them but it matters not. They choose this way of being. Their being bigoted, biased, and opinionated -- due to their age? nah, I think that is a cop-out for many. I know plenty of open-minded people in that age range; they have seen enough of the world to know that there are people who think differently than they do and have come to a place of accepting that is okay. I tend to think that part of that is who we are as people and what we believe in. As a Christ-follower, I prefer to present things in a way to let people know when they are out of line while showing them a different way. If they are not open to that, as the scriptures say, I shake the dust from my feet. Maybe it's the only child in me, not having folks around much, or maybe it's that along with being very much like my dad; my mom once said that she knows I have had hard times but like my dad, would suffer through, never tell a soul, and handle it myself. My son never desired to go to college so I never had to consider what that would have been like. I have an associate who is a divorcee; she is practically killing herself to pay for her son's undergrad because she says she doesn't want him to have loans like she did. I get that, but it has been to the detriment of her health as her son seems like he's on top of the world without a care. Had mine wanted to go, it would have been right when LH was sickest. My son would have had to pray for grants and loans. I was not working full-time while I took care of LH, so my son would have had to find his own way, anyhow. Long story short, since I haven't had any experiences like that with anyone doing for my son, I can't imagine it. From this side of things, it is very easy for me to say I would walk away from in-laws after a while if they seemed not interested in engaging differently with the world around them. If those in-laws covered my son's schooling, he'd have to figure out how to get it done without them. Again, it is easy to say for me since my son is probably very different from your kids. Part of his special needs that drive me batty is that he is very selfish. He often has to be reminded to say 'thank you' for the basics, which is why it isn't tough for me to say here that something like that, he wouldn't appreciate enough for me to even let anyone do that for him. 

 

tybec: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am at a loss, honey. It has been said that some men have a very singular focus. I get that. BF's oldest daughter's birthday was recent; he hasn't even seen her in more years than he can count almost. The first year we were 'together', he pretty much vanished the week before Thanksgiving; I could't get him on the phone, nothing. The depression and sadness were real. The second year, it wasn't quite as bad, but still tough. We are in the same house this year; we talk, I let him alone ... he gets up early because it is a lot on his mind ... his kids, his exes and others in his family who aren't around. 

 

It doesn't sound like your NG can take his eyes off the issues with his children and wow, is that tough for you ... I am glad you have made other plans. You might consider doing that more, just for your own peace. 

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Hi everyone - I'm finding in my journey that I don't check the board much anymore, so glad I checked in today to get some updates on everyone's life. 

 

Arneal - if I lived close to you, I'd come right over! Your meal sounds wonderful :)

 

Tybec - wow, I am so sorry. Sounds like your MIL is still just always there, loving and including. I have a SIL that is like a sister to me, she has been there for me and the kids through everything and now at the holidays, we all visit with my fiance included. She welcomes him like family, every single time and every occasion. I am sorry your nephew did not extend a heartfelt invitation to you and your son. Who does that? Regarding your guy, I don't even know what to say. I get that he feels the need to look out for his kids, I was kind of like that too, but this is just extreme. You can come and stay in a hotel? And, you have the money to do so? What? I might be too hurt to even type that. I know that life is hard and there is custody and his kids' mom is always trying to run his life and make him jump through hoops, I just don't understand. I am so sorry. I have no idea how I would react to these events, just saying I really feel for you. That sounds painful. My wish is for you and your son to have a great time with family, sounds like you will.

 

Trying - It's complicated, isn't it? Its nice that your in-laws want to stay in touch and help your kids thru college. I say you proudly bring your sweetheart around your in-laws and if they say something, call it out. Or at least that is what I do! I have raised tattooed individuals, I've dated people others want to judge, I may even be one of those 'neerdowells' myself in others opinions - so what. I wear it proudly and when someone says something loudly about tattoos, disabilities, hairstyle, dress, whatever, I simply tell them they are rude. But, I did that when I was married to DH too, so nothing new here. We still had dinner, we just had friendly conflict.

 

I guess I could be on hire for the holidays? I'll politely (with a smile) tell all of your in-laws, siblings, parents, nosy neighbors where to put their nasty opinions and attitudes!! Come on I'll say, let's enjoy the holiday and surround each other with love and friendship! And, I'm a fabulous cook and I make the best pies (if you can stomach it from someone who dresses questionably and hangs out with tattooed people.) 

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Love your post, Forgottenwife -- while there will be no one here for you to put in correction, I'd love to see it all in action!

 

Maybe we need to create our own tradition and come together ... show those folks how it's done. Thanksgiving potluck with you all sounds wonderful 💗

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Tybec - I seriously feel for you. Trying to blend with NG sounds stressful and he needs to be more understanding of the issues HE is creating in the relationship. I am happy you have your own Thanksgiving plans and they sound great for you and your son. I have some similar issues over Xmas - NG and his ex completely flip flop with their son over the Xmas period (e.g. one has him for Xmas eve, then Xmas morning, then he gets dropped off for Xmas afternoon/night, then goes back to the other parent). Its completely ridiculous ! We are never ever going to be together and away for Xmas - and its irritating. So I am going to just make my own plans with my son and family. Its never going to be the same as when I was married - but Im finally ok with that and happy to be with my son and direct family.

 

I would be seriously pissed off if my NG didn't talk to me all weekend if he had his kids, especially if there were issues to discuss. My NG used to never text me back on days he had his son (or would text back 8 hours after I sent a text) but I started doing the same - and he learned REAL quick that was not ok. (In all fairness, I did talk to him first about it but he didn't change his ways, but then couldn't stand it when I was going silent for hours so he stopped that one).

Edited by Captains wife
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"Come on I'll say, let's enjoy the holiday and surround each other with love and friendship!"

 

^^yes!!   Thanks Forgottenwife, I needed to hear this.  Love your positivity, will try to not let the in-laws attitude bring me down.    

 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody - hope it's a day filled with friends and family, love, gratitude and lots of good food.    

 

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We are navigating the holidays for the first time as a couple and it's not working in our favor. I invited NG over with his kids and mother but he forgot his mom is horribly allergic to cats and I have 2 cats and a dog. He wants to ditch his mom but I told him not to. We can do the day after and I'll have plenty of leftovers. We haven't discussed the Christmas holiday yet and his birthday is in December too. 

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On ‎11‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 3:59 PM, Captains wife said:

I would be seriously pissed off if my NG didn't talk to me all weekend if he had his kids, especially if there were issues to discuss. My NG used to never text me back on days he had his son (or would text back 8 hours after I sent a text) but I started doing the same - and he learned REAL quick that was not ok. (In all fairness, I did talk to him first about it but he didn't change his ways, but then couldn't stand it when I was going silent for hours so he stopped that one).

Funny how affective that is! My dh always got it more clearly when I did the same thing back to him verses just trying to discuss it. Used to drive me bat shit crazy, but what I would give

to have him back and him still learning, ☺️

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you....

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I have been kindly invited to my NG's cousin's Thankgiving with my son (and he and his son will be there too) and I am thankful for that. But part of me just wants to be at home. My son is heading to my inlaws afterwards for a few days (alone) so I get some downtime alone on Fri. I am honestly thankful for that (doing house stuff, taking a tennis lesson, will take myself out for lunch) as I feel like being alone for a while this year. I miss the big fussy Thanksgiving dinners my husband and I would do, sometimes just for ourselves (and our son)....We would get all the good china out and dress up the table and make every dish we loved for Thanksgiving and then just hung out and drank wine in front of the fire and hung out alone (or later with our son after he was born). Im thankful for what we have now but it still feels a little sad at this time of the year just the same.

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Bf and I decided on a quiet holiday with a non-traditional meal of pesto lasagna and strawberry rhubarb pie- his two specialties and will be using food harvested from this past summer’s garden, so that’s fun! I’ll probably make some kinda fancy bread items. Maybe it’s lack of children that let us feel we can skip ‘obligations’? 

 

I have tattoos and I recall many years ago one boyfriend begging me to hide them from his conservative judgmental mama during a holidays visit. I refused and she liked me anyway. Whenever I’m confronted with people like that, I try to respond to their comments with a cheerful and positive counter-point. It helps me to not get sucked so much into their negativity black hole and I have the petty satisfaction of knowing it’s annoying them. 

 

Tybec, I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but does your boyfriend EVER put you truly first? It does seem he is all about his own comfort zone. I’ve had friends like that. I loved and enjoyed their company, but I also knew the relationship was totally at their convenience- which worked out fine until my husband got cancer and then died. None of them are in my life now, but I bet if you asked any of them why they’d say they were just waiting for a phone call from me. I think it’s totally fine for a couple to be in a relationship and also have very independent lives from one another- As Long As It’s What Both Parties Want. But I don’t see you happy with this. I’m all about compromise, but there has to be some give as well as take. 

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