Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

[sudnlysngl]

3 hours ago, Bunny said:

 

Tybec, I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but does your boyfriend EVER put you truly first? It does seem he is all about his own comfort zone. I’ve had friends like that. I loved and enjoyed their company, but I also knew the relationship was totally at their convenience- which worked out fine until my husband got cancer and then died. None of them are in my life now, but I bet if you asked any of them why they’d say they were just waiting for a phone call from me. I think it’s totally fine for a couple to be in a relationship and also have very independent lives from one another- As Long As It’s What Both Parties Want. But I don’t see you happy with this. I’m all about compromise, but there has to be some give as well as take. 

Something I learned when my husband died and I wished I had learned much younger was, the address book changes drastically  when something like this happens your life.

And boy did it ever! 

I also learned what I was willing to put up with and not!

After years of abuse from my mother, then from others, enough was enough! 

I am back to being broken, pieces of me are missing, and I am struggling to find my self worth again, but I do know no one will ever put me so far down or last that

I don't matter! 

Like I said in an earlier post, of coarse children come first, but there is comprise, they grow up and start living their own lives. Sounds like someone uses them as excuses, sorry, and I would want to mean so much to a person again that he couldn't live without me. Not that he couldn't but he wouldn't want to! What a feeling that is!

Again, Tybec wishing you the best. Just wanting the best for you, and after just divorcing a real psychopathic jerk, don't settle for second place with anyone. We all deserve better....

[arneal]

Hello, everyone!

 

How were your Thanksgiving exploits? I just finished a survey for the place where I got some of our food (I ordered a meat sampler from Honeybaked and the turkey was absolutely horrid. When you can't even make a decent turkey salad out of it after, you know there's a problem 😅). It was quiet with just the two of us. My family members called and my phone was pinging with texts and social media messages all day. I got a message that one of LHs uncles died the day before Thanksgiving so I was on the phone with two of his cousins, talking about that and catching up. BF was quiet and reflective for part of the day since it was last Thanksgiving that things started on the serious downslope with his daughter. I felt bad for him about that but we made a good day out of it.

 

A while ago in this thread we talked about, for lack of a better way of putting it, public recognition of the relationship and what that means. For example, I have no relationship status on social media and his still says divorced. I haven't mentioned it. However,  my mom sent him something for his birthday and she told me yesterday that she sent addressed her Christmas gift to both of us. My one friend who is like a sister (we call each other that) calls him her brother. LHs one cousin asks about him all the time. When my uncle texted me on Thanksgiving, he even said 'kiss your guy' in his well-wishes. I've thought about saying something to him about while my people are not his family, they include him as such. I don't put myself in a position to connect to a lot of my family but he misses those sorts of connections. I think that sort of recognition, of acceptance by the people who are in our lives, is much more meaningful than social media publication 😉 

[sudnlysngl]

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So sorry arneal about your bf's uncle🙁. I've never had much luck with honey baked ham. The one ham I got one time was so fatty and I was soo pissed, lol. So needless to say I don't go there anymore. Besides , I'm one of the few that can't stand green bean casserole either. Give me a good ol pot of southern style cooked green beans😉

As far as the relationship status. Well girl, sounds like it's time to have the simple conversation with your man of where or what he sees your relationship as. Cause it isn't a surprise

that men and women see things so differently, but time to put it out there and to know if the two of you are on the same page. Can't hurt to know! You two aren't getting any younger, so 

know where you both stand in this....

But for me, I will be glad when the holidays are over! 

Oh, and the jerk off ex has publicly set a wedding date with the bitch he wasn't cheating with!!! For less than a year after I kicked his ass out, and less than 9 months from being divorced!

And all these people don't see anything wrong with him yet? Really? Maybe they are just to embarrassed to admit they backed a lying sociopathic fake wanna be!!!!

Someone will let me know when it all crashes and fails, and I will be laughing the whole time....😄

[arneal]

Agreed on the green beans, sudnlysngl! Casserole, nope 😅

 

Not getting any younger, how true that is! LOL! Oh, and it was my LHs uncle, not BFs. It was one of those moments where I was getting calls from the people I am still connected to while his BFs phone was quiet. I felt bad about that. I have been thinking about the conversation more and more, not from the social media standpoint necessarily but for real life purposes. We are each other's emergency contact and since he is about to go into business for himself, he will have to decide a succession plan and so forth more I think than I do. I have a standard insurance and retirement through work and can assign beneficiaries but because of real property, I will need to update my will. If he's going to stick around, I have no problem putting him in there. If not, I'll be one of those folks who says sell everything and leave part to my son, my dogs, and my church 😂

[trying2breathe]

Sorry to hear of LH's uncle, arneal.  My aunt passed away the Wednesday before Thanksgiving too - I was disappointed to not make it to her memorial service over the weekend, Chicago was pretty socked in with the weather.  My cousins have lost both their parents within 6 months - my uncle was 91 and my aunt, 90.  Full and happy lives, something to celebrate.  

 

Thanksgiving - with Mom's help my brother did okay with the turkey 😅 It was a small gathering with my parents, brother, me and NG.   First time having all of us together and NG too, and I was happy that all went well.  I think I worked the most, making all of the side dishes but I love to cook so all good.  My family is very accepting of NG, wish that NG's daughters felt the same.  Hoping that this holiday will be different as they will be visiting, alternating between NG and their stepmom, for two weeks, it was pretty disappointing last year to not connect at all with them.  

 

"I think that sort of recognition, of acceptance by the people who are in our lives, is much more meaningful than social media publication 😉 "

 

^^Yes, arneal - I'm not much into social media these days, and don't read too much into it.  Altho I used to post occasionally on Facebook, I rarely do these days, mostly out of sensitivity towards my in-laws and NG's exes.  I don't feel like posting photos of us together, would seem kind of like flaunting our relationship. And I'm a bit more private than that anyway.   It is good to get the paperwork in order, at some point NG and I should think about emergency contacts, and some kind of legal documentation that would allow us to handle emergencies for each other.  Still don't want to get married, but it would be nice to have some kind of legal recognition should something happen.  Although, there's nothing at all wrong with leaving part of your estate to the dogs! 

[tybec]

Thanksgiving.  

I think things transpire as they are supposed to, whether I like it or understand.  MY MIL made my favorite meal Wed. when we arrived. I slept in the room with 14 pics of my son and 4 of me and LH.  We spent lunch at one aunt and uncle's, my favorite, actually. 35 folks there. They sign the table cloth and embroider it. They found one from 2009 at Christmas with me, LH and son's signature.  LH's aunt told me I was loved and always welcome, and I didn't make the circumstances. She also asked me about NG.   Then dinner at a cousin's home who has taken on the matriarch role of that branch. She text me today she was happy we came.  And food was en mass.  Not Italians, but eat like them.😉  Delish!

Met SIL and niece for lunch on the way home. So, very nice.

NG was busy with a whirlwind mini vacay with his mother and kids. Text some.  He called me as soon as he was home.  I was distant, and I wasn't ready to see him until Wednesday.  Very much contemplative.

Finally got with him Wed.  Didn't get into it all.  He asked about plans with him for the next time he has his kids as we have not seen his kids in 2 months now. Also, talked to me about going to his father's the 26th of Dec.  as he did not want to be in different places again for the holidays.  So, maybe he is thinking it out?  I have not pushed. I have kept busy and not opened up my schedule when he is available carte blanche.

Truly, my son and I will be okay. I am TREADING the Deeper waters......🤔🙂

 

Oh, and he text today to go out to dinner. 

Edited November 30, 2018 by tybec
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[Julester3]

Thanksgiving is already a hard holiday for me. I lost my father Thanksgiving morning 16 years ago. He loved Thanksgiving and we have many photo memories because he took lots of pictures especially of the food. My mom followed him 6 years later a few days before Thanksgiving. This is why my family likes to gather on Thanksgiving specifically and why we have a strong bond. 

 

Thanksgiving was good as usual. For the first time we did not have a crazy amount of food. All the leftovers even after some of my siblings took some home, fit in my main fridge. I almost always have to put food in my second fridge or freeze some. 

 

An interesting development was NG did come with his kids. He had a great time and he enjoyed all the food. His kids fit right in with the nieces and nephew as well. They spent a good time playing video games together. It was a good day in all and it was nice to share it with NG. 

[arneal]

So glad to hear, Julester!!!

[tybec]

I don’t feel comfortable with posting all over social media about me and NG.  I tag him when we do things but don’t post all those sappy pics.  Didn’t with LH either.  I know too many that break up or are not showing reality.  So there is that.  We did put relationship November of 2017 and my friends blew it up, and I knew they would.  Well he posts everything he does with his kids.  100s  of pics.  So we posted one with just us in Novembet again, and it was blown up again.  He was in shock.  But when you post all your kids stuff it gets repetitive, I told him.  Plus, now folks know we are still out there.  Anyway, to each their own. 😉😊

[Julester3]

I friended NG on FB but I don't post pictures of us. It would definitely get blown up and I don't want it to. 

[klim]

 

I'm also not a poster on facebook of much , part of it is just being sensitive to who else has to look at it.I know for sure it would upset one bil who struggles with the loss of his brother. Facebook would be just a pop up reminder , blindsiding him. It's hard enough for him even when he is mentally prepared and we meet in person. I share some tidbits from our lives but never is it the  huggy pics you see on some profiles, or even the pics that I share here. 

[tybec]

The holidays🎄

NG and I have had a couple nice weekends. He has traveled far with me for my son's school's state championship football game, and WE WON!  Last weekend was the first time we saw his kids in 2 months. He paid for everything for a big holiday special treat and show.  It was not age appropriate for my teen but my kid is a trooper, and NG paid.  We had discussed that he chooses things only for his kids, and so us choosing not to go and me pay for things we didn't want to do anyway was another thing about integrating families.  So, it was a good experience, and I didn't pay for it.  He has heard me on that level then.  His mother is coming for the holidays, and he and she are asking for gift ideas for me and my son.  So, that is inclusive.  And the BIG ONE!  My 50th is coming up, and I will celebrate with a big trip. My LH and I started doing special things on birthdays shortly after his cancer and treatment.  So this is no exception. LH didn't get to 50.  NG and I have discussed it as he has his kids spring break. I did a completely adventurous summer vacation with him and his kids. It was fun, but NOT a 50th birthday type of trip at all.  So, the planning. Can we make it work for all of us?  It needs to be kid friendly, but I told him I am not hiking, climbing, ziplining, kayaking, whitewater rafting the entire trip. If we cannot come to terms, my son and I will find something special. He is trying.  The next court hearing is in Feb. so that is a factor on some level.  

He is trying a lot, and I appreciate it.  I have backed off, and we may see each other once a week, and that is our way currently.  (sigh)  It is the way it is.  I am feeling better about ME, and that is good.  And I am fortunate and thankful for so much this year.  First world problems......

[arneal]

Happy almost-birthday, tybec! Too bad we aren't close to each other -- my 50th is in February and I have no idea what I'm going to do. BF doesn't really celebrate holidays or birthdays. After so much loss and as an only child, I become a kid about it all 😆

 

I haven't told him but I ordered a Christmas dinner for us from the same company I got our Thanksgiving lamb. It will be interesting to see what he thinks.

[trying2breathe]

Happy upcoming birthday, tybec - hope your celebration trip is wonderful.  Good to know that you're in a routine with NG, whatever the circumstances, and doing okay.  Hope that you can make it work and find the right trip to take together.   

 

arneal   Yum - planning Xmas dinner already, I am too - thinking some kind of beef with mashed potatoes, and lots of veg sides.

 

So I'm happily busy with Christmas prep, a much different feeling this year to be in a more festive mood.  NG and I will again get into a different routine, our kids arrive soon and our time together will be a lot less.  Recently told NG that I didn't see co-habiting until issues settle within our families - one that there is some kind of connection between me and his daughters, as of now there is nothing.  And I need to come to terms with my in-laws and whether they meet him or not, it's much easier to maintain separate households right now.  He asked what I wanted for Christmas - my response "I don't need anything".   It's not about needing anything I realize - I don't want to force some kind of expectation of a romantic gift.  Instead I suggested that we have a nice dinner out.  He's okay with this, but I think that he would like to gift something and doesn't know what.  Not sure what I'll gift him, but intend to get him something.  It's hard to believe that it will be two years together with him in January - I'm happy with him, content in a way that feels comfortable.  We're working through issues, not all is perfect - and we make the choice to move forward together.  This coming year will be make or break, I believe - time will tell.  

[arneal]

Hey trying2! Funny you mention beef and potatoes; that's what we had last night. BF did the beef and I did homemade mashed. I am more of a gift-giver than he is, although our first Christmas together, he went all-out. They were quite the romantic gifts, I would say. Things were bad with his daughter last year and he didn't do anything at Christmas, other than cook a little. I don't expect to get a gift this year, with him being in school and all. It is what it is. I've already mailed out my Christmas cards, sent a gift to my mom and son, have a package for my sister-friend, and put a decoration on the front door. He can be sad if he wishes; I will let him alone to do so. He's been thinking about the kids and his granddaughter lately, not sleeping well. I don't get in it. He has to work it out for himself; all I can do is be there to listen as he feels the need to talk. I try to do that as best I can without casting judgment.

 

Yes, time does fly, doesn't it? We've had our third Thanksgiving dinner together, this will be our third Christmas, and it's been 11 months since he moved in. May will be three years since our first date. 

[Trying]

Lots of turning 50! Mine is in April.  We are doing Spring Break in Key West with my youngest and his 2 right before my birthday.  He turns 50 in October and we will plan a "just us" long weekend away.  I'm much more about shared experiences than material gifts these days but still feel pressure at Christmas to have presents wrapped under the tree.

[tybec]

Hope everyone got through Christmas well.  It is still a rough time of year for me. Wedding Anniversary would have been this coming Sat.  (sigh)

NG got his kids Christmas Eve, and my kid and I went over to his place for treats. He had not seen his kids in 12 days.  I cannot imagine. 

We parted, but then I had dinner at my home yesterday. The kids opened their presents at their own places, which was fine, truly.  His mother is here and they have their traditions.  

A new friend of mine who has a fatherless kiddo, too, told me she had to make her new normal for her kid after his father died (same yr. of LH's death ). They have a small family and they don't travel much or well, so she started Christmas eves and mornings with just them, and it is fine.  She said she had to adapt for his sake.  That rang true for me. And that it is okay.

I had taken my son for the weekend up for his dad's side of the family Christmas.  71 folks showed this year, still with over 30 not there.  I felt comfortable. I have known them for 35 years after all.  I am glad I can go  now, as for years, I could not.  Too painful. Still hard, but better.

 Hope the holidays are as smooth as possible. 

Looking forward to 2019!

Edited December 26, 2018 by tybec

[trying2breathe]

Glad that things are getting a bit easier this time of year, tybec.  The family gathering sounds wonderful.  A big gentle hug to you on your upcoming anniversary.   Although this Christmas felt disjointed, we got through it all just fine.  NG made the effort to spend time together with us, and have his adult daughters here some of the time too.  The tension is easing with them, they both seem more receptive to their father having a GF in his life.  Our family traditions took a backseat as we had several different gatherings and gift exchanges - oh well.  My daughter mentioned that it felt different, kind of like a divorce situation, but that she was okay with it all.   It's been a good but stressful few days.  I'm tired, and happy to take the kids tomorrow for a visit with my in-laws for a few days.  Lol - just putting that into words makes me laugh, never thought I'd say something like that. 

[tybec]

Hey everyone!  What’s happening in the new yr?  Arneal, where are you?  

 

Hello? 

[trying2breathe]

Hello and Happy New Year!   It's been quiet here, maybe a good thing?   How are you, tybec? 

 

After Christmas had a few days away with my in-laws to de-stress from the holidays.   Have to laugh as I type this as my in-laws are anything but carefree, but it was a good getaway and a break from the stress that I was feeling with NG and his daughters.   This holiday went well, and thankfully I have no big complaints.  Time spent with NG and his daughters went relatively smoothly and they are warming to the idea that their father has a new girlfriend.  New Year's Eve was low-key, prepared a nice dinner at home and we were asleep shortly after midnight.  I'm happily tucking away Christmas decorations and getting back to the routine.  Kids leave to go back to school this weekend, it's been a good few weeks with them but they're ready to get back and I'm ready to let them go.   NG and I continue to get closer and I'm happy to continue to the relationship as it is - we'll see what 2019 brings. 

 

Did anybody make resolutions?  This might be the first year that I haven't made some mental note of self improvement.   If anything, it would be to work less and try to relax more.  Wishing you all a happy, peaceful and healthy 2019.

 

  

[arneal]

Hi, all! So glad to see you in a new year 😍

 

The university where I work full-time is closed to the students for nearly two weeks at Christmas; only the adjunct faculty don't have to work but I took the time off as I had it. It was wonderful to disconnect from my laptop for that time but I have been back to the daily since Wednesday. 

 

Christmas was just another day. I don't wait to give gifts anymore; if I have the ability to give them, I do, whenever I can. BF had gotten what I planned to give him closer to Thanksgiving. We spent the day, resting, gaming, and eating. He was a bit somber after all the crap this year with his daughter and not seeing his granddaughter. He worries that she will grow to dislike him because of her mom since he isn't able to see her at all. The house phone kept ringing since my mom and others wanted to send along glad tidings. I didn't hear from my son, which is no surprise I suppose; my last conversation with him, I told him to let me know if he didn't want to talk to me. He's an adult (will be 24 in March) so if that's his decision, he'll have to be the one to live with it. It seems he's finally written me a letter that is due to be delivered today, his house mom said. 

 

Life goes on ... overall, nothing has changed for good or bad, which is fine. I don't make resolutions since stat's show that most of them are either broken or forgotten before the end of February. I do make plans though! I have gained too much weight this last year so I want to drop some of it at least. I have a neighbor-friend who had weight loss surgery (from September to December went from the low 200s to 138 or so!) and is having many health-related troubles. I am growing to enjoy cooking more and more so I can't imagine not eating what I like. It's about discipline and since BF was fussing yesterday about not fitting some of his trousers, I suspect he won't mind some culinary revisions either. Our church does a corporate fast at the start of the year so I am in the midst of that. He hasn't joined in 🤣 I also will be doing more in service with the church as a volunteer. It means I'll be out of the house more, which is good. BF will get his business going this year so he'll be busy too. I have a couple of other personal things in the works ... updates as they finalize!

 

Be well, friends, until next time!

[Julester3]

This was our first time trying to navigate the holidays as a dating couple. We decided to spend the Saturday, the 22nd, together with our kids. We had pizza, exchanged gifts, binged on various Christmas chocolate truffles, and played games with the kids. It was fun and low key. I did Christmas Eve with MIL and her husband's family like we used to. Christmas was at my sister's house. They told me to bring NG over whenever he was alone on a holiday. He had his kids on Christmas Eve but not the day. He had other invites but was unsure what he wanted to do. We celebrated during lunch at my sister's so we could be home by evening. I made sure we all finished packing for our flight to Austin to see my FIL and family early Wednesday morning. I did sneak over to NG's quickly for a little romance and he was sad I was going to be gone through the weekend especially since he didn't have his kids.

 

We came home NYE afternoon. The kids went to their friend's places for sleepovers and I went to NG's where we went to a party for a few hours. We ended up at his house around 10:30 and I knew it was because he missed me a lot. But, it sort of made me sad. In the past, I've always partied all night surrounded by family and friends. Okay, not party really but eat all night and play games and do movie marathons with people until midnight where we celebrate and drink champagne for the countdown and then we carry on until none of us can stay up anymore. I never ever went to sleep early. It was so quiet and different than what I've always done. It seemed anti-climactic and unsatisfying for a New Year's Eve. Does that make sense? I did something totally different than what I was used to and it made me sad. I got to sleep with NG and cuddle with him but the quiet and peace was just too quiet and peaceful. I left early in the morning, no lingering, no muss, or little fuss as I had to go home to take care of the dog and cats. He felt I left abruptly with little comment and that I seemed annoyed. I know I was working through how I felt, trying to understand my feelings and reaction. I brushed it off and texted him later that I was just overtired having just flown in from Austin, barely was home, dropped kids off, and went to meet him to go to a party. Traveling tires me out and it catches up with me so that was true. I just didn't share my sad little feelings since I was still mulling them over. So that is it in a nutshell - I think this is the first awkward holiday season phase.

 

I try to keep simple resolutions. I made quite a few this time but they are meaningful. I want to try to exercise better and improve my fitness. I want to clean my hobby room and reorganize. The kids want to go through their dad's clothes and donate good items to the men's shelter. I want to do better carving time out for my friends each month and spending time with them. I would also try to be mindful of NG's schedule so we can do more together.

[tybec]

Another holiday season behind us.  Glad we all got through. Track record 100%!  

 

My holiday started well with NG and his mom and kids.  AND then it derailed. He had little to no contact. And when we got together, I may as  well  not been there. Last year, he said it would be better this year. And it was not, honestly.  We did not even sit next to each other when around. He had his kids on either side. His mother even asked if I was going to sit next to him, but it was obvious that was not the plan. My wedding anniversary was Sat., and he planned a big one day trip out of town, and I declined going.  My son and I couldn't fit in his vehicle with his mom here, and I didn't want to drive me and mine and be a "third wheel", again.  I moved to make NYE plans with a friend and her family out of town.  I needed to be with folks that knew me and my LH and son and loved us.  Then I got sick. A week of illness.  So no celebration of anything.  I didn't see NG for over a week,.  And I prepared to end it, but I was too sick to have the energy.

NG came around to see me briefly and stated he knew we had a bad holiday. I told him straight up I could not understand his behavior and if I wasn't his "person", then let it end.  I was prepared to do so as I am not settling and not going through this again.  Prior he  had text me we needed to talk about marriage to end this 2 home, separate holiday situation, which honestly did not set well for me.  I told him that his reality is he will never have his kids full time, but a marriage or cohabitation IS full time.  He has to accept his situation like I have had to accept my husband is dead.  He agreed he had to change the dynamics, it is on him.  That is it in a nutshell.  I am stronger and can manage if I need to. 

He is going to show me his commitment. I don't want to "test" him, but there has to be some proof of his words.  His actions don't back his words, and I let him know it is unacceptable to me.

This is a big deal. I have never done anything like this. I am going to be okay. I love him, but I told him that love is not always enough.  Situation and timing matter, too and he knows that.    A relationship is work, but it should not be a fight/struggle. I am not begging for someone to be in my life.  I can be alone and single rather than in a couple and be lonely when sitting in the same room.  So, I didn't choose to end it. I am a commitment person.  But I am learning. This board has helped. I didn't always like the remarks, probably too close to truth, but that is how you grow.  

Big decisions for me. Keeping on.  We will see.  

[tybec]

Just to add to be positive.  I set a goal of 156 work outs in a year in 2018. That is an average of 3 a week, which is just for good health, fighting diabetes risks, heart disease, etc.   I made it to  133!! I am healthier, but the weight didn't come off. Age and not changing my eating habits is fact in this.  And I have a lower back issue that PT helps but really need to see the orthopedic doc to see what is happening. So, I have a goal of better health still, and eating healthier.  I do not want to be obsessed with only this, so balancing it.  NG is my work out partner and we do well together to meet at the gym as often as possible. He also will take walks with me and hike some, and that is good. I have enjoyed that. 

[arneal]

Hey, Jules: it is something when we seem to suddenly be into a space that is so different from what we are used to, isn't it? I am glad you and your BF had a good holiday through it. Do you think you will tell him about your sadness? It's probably a tough call since you aren't seeming to suggest he should have done anything different but that it was simply a different experience, suddenly, for you. Maybe helping him understand will be a good thing. Hard to explain maybe, but a good thing ...

 

Oh tybec, I am sorry to hear about how things went. It makes me want to jump in my car, drive over, and shake your BF by the shoulders. He is missing out on a great person here. Ugh! If even his mom is catching that something is a bit awry, hoping he opens his eyes. And so good for you that you told him all that. {{{hugs!}}}

 

We are in a sort of comfy pattern around here. I don't know if that's good or bad. BF seems content, which is a good thing, and I don't mean that we should be in the midst of turmoil constantly, but there's this sort of weird unspoken vibe. I think it's just me, overthinking. He is his usual self, no changes there. I know he is concerned about finances while he is working on building his business and getting things off the ground. I of course always have ideas but am working hard to keep my mouth shut since it's his thing. As we often say around my workplace, 'not my circus, not my monkeys' ... I try to wait until he asks before I jump in. 

 

Emotionally for me, I think something is brewing -- not anything bad, but something ... we'll see.