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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Thanks Arneal!  

NG and I have a joint calendar now on google to help us coordinate our many activities.  

 

The divorce decree from 2014 stated many things including using “our family wizard. “ She never has.   The kid’s therapist recommended and NG “told on her” that she refused in the past 5 yrs.  She finally now has agreed to a google calendar. They agreed to have all passwords to the kids’ devices so they can check on them, length of time on devices, websites accessed, etc.  he gave all that info.  She has not,  saying they do not have their own logins, as it goes through her. So he can’t check on his kids regarding that. That is an example of the many type of things he deals with.  

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Good to read all the updates here! Tybec  - I’m super sympathetic. Interesting....my NG’s ex won’t share information about what her plans are with their son..in fact she has yet to submit her chosen weeks for this summer vacation 🙄 so you never know what the schedule is ahead and/or when she might turn up (thus the resort incident). Whole control issue...and strange. Boy I’d give anything for my son’s dad to be here with him - these games are such bs. After all we’ve been through I just don’t have the patience for it so if I ask and information is not given, I plan ahead for my son and I alone. 

Edited by Captains wife
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Captains wife -- I was nodding so hard at your post!!! I take that idea with all things, that if I don't have the info I need, I make decisions and keep on pushing. It is now May and I planned to go visit my mom in June as part of my next on-ground teaching assignment. The university handles my travel and so instead of having them book me a flight back here, I had them book the return to go east instead. I told BF back in February or so and asked him if he'd like to come. He could visit with his sister, who he hasn't seen in ages. He sort of mentioned it once when he talked about how his sister hadn't been very communicative of late on social media. I took that as a 'no'. I told him when the university was able to change my flight plans and he said nothing. I showed him the under-seat roller bag I bought for my computer and all that when it arrived to show I'm planning for those airport layovers. I'll bring it up once more to be sure but have already booked my flight home as well as my rental car for while I am there. Sad if he won't come but also sort of glad to not have to worry about the house or the animals 🤣 

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Happy Friday all. Hoping you are doing well?

 

So a funny thing happened the other day (yes, as my play little brother says, a junior high moment). BF was talking about calling his sister. I know they hadn't talked in a while; I waited a day or so and asked if he'd called her and he said he was going to do so that afternoon. The day went by, him doing his things and me doing mine. He wandered through to the family room later and said 'my sister said hi'. He couldn't see me grinning ... he's never acted like he's mentioned me to her before. It made my afternoon :)

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Happy Friday - looking forward to a busy weekend, Mother's Day celebration on Sunday with my in-laws here too, a good thing.  

 

arneal  Yay on the sister saying hi - kind of makes your heart skip a beat doesn't it?  Like now you know you are recognized and belong!  😁

 

So - question for those of us that share our beds with a partner that snores 😕  Lately NG and I have not had overnights as his snoring is bothering me ALOT.   I have some early mornings and really appreciate - need - a good night's sleep.  I told him last week that if we ever lived together we would have separate bedrooms.  He has tried a few snore devices - a nose thing and some kind of mouth guard - and it hasn't made much of a difference.  Does anybody have a snore remedy that works well?

 

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Hey trying2!

 

My mom sent a little something in the mail so I decided we are going to this Italian place on Mother's Day. BF's mom is deceased and so he doesn't really say much on that day. However, I appreciate an opportunity to celebrate. I imagine my son might call, but am not holding my breath for it; he's still waiting on a birthday gift (his behavior was horrible so I told his care mom I'd get him something but will wait until it doesn't seem like a reward for poor behaviors) so if he doesn't get when he thinks he should, no one else gets either ... sigh. Life with a special needs young adult.

 

Ah, snoring. LH had that issue later on in his illness. I can sleep with noise so it wasn't a show stopper, but one thing the doctors said was for him to prop up. Cheap solution is a wedge, more expensive solution is an adjustable bed ... so sorry you are dealing with that. Another thing is if your guy isn't getting enough rest generally, he might be falling out and sleeping hard. Maybe see if it's different if he takes a nap early in the day?

 

Finally got my living trust and will stuff together. It's been bothering me that I haven't done it so today was the day for me. I haven't told BF that he's it, that besides the stuff that will go to my son and to the church, he'll get the joy of dealing with my stuff should my time come before his. He knows he's my emergency contact and I'm his, so he may have assumed. I'll say something at some point. I saw this notebook in the drugstore a few months back, of all places ... it was a book for putting down all the important stuff, like where's the key to the safe deposit box, what's the password to the phone and computer, what's the account number for the gas company. I plan to get one of those too because I have so many passwords to so many things, it would take a CSI team to get into it all without help. Sobering, but necessary ...

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Follow up ... so Amazon Prime, right? I found 'So I'm Dead - Now What?', which is a last wishes journal. The cover is just my tone, and it's blue in color, which is my fav. Inside are all the very important things like what to pay, close, and cancel; bank accounts and other bills; subscriptions; passwords; social media and emails; and more. With Prime it's one day delivery so tomorrow it will be here.

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trying2breathe - one of my friends couldn’t get a good night’s sleep due to her husband’s snoring/breathing skips and she finally insisted he go see a sleep specialist. After spending the night in a sleep study, they gave him a device that helps with his breathing while sleeping and he says he wakes up sooo much more rested now. And no more snoring! 

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Good point, Bunny -- sometimes it's sleep apnea so the person needs a C-Pap machine. My mom's companion has one (she calls it his Darth Vader mask. She's so bad). I have seen devices that are not as cumbersome and are easier to wear and clean than the traditional C-pap, which can be an annoyance in itself.

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NG has sleep apnea. Funny, I told him I would be sleeping with DARTH VADER then, Arneal. LOL!  He uses a mouth piece, and it does okay.  He needs another evaluation, though to update his machine.  He didn't tell me way back, and that is something you need to tell someone! He wasn't using his machine and was having his breathing stop, the twitching, what I thought was restless leg syndrome.  I told him he needed to tell me as I thought he was maybe having a seizure or PTSD from his 20 yrs. in the military!  I can sleep through anything over time. My college roommate would blow dry her hair in the morning, and I learned to sleep through it!  Sleep apnea is real and serious long term.  Worth the conversation. 😴

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Well, at a strange place. An impasse if you will. 

NG had to plan out his summer as he always does.  His mother flies in every other week to watch the kids, spend time with her grandkids as NG gets the children every other week. Unlike his teacher ex-wife, he works year round, so childcare is needed. His mother is wonderful.

I have a finishing freshman.  He has a missions trip planned, from fall.  And then he is in band, so 2 1/2 weeks is marching band camp, and he loves its.  And then he goes to band competitions every weekend or practices until Dec.  He loves it, is committed, and I support his passion. I was not a band kid, so all new to me.

Our summer is not lining up at all.  Even a summer vacation does not appear optional due to his schedule and my son's.  He has a court order for his time.  Not negotiable. He is 3 months now waiting for a court decision, and I think it will happen for the new school year.

The summer is the same then as the last 3.  Separate lives.  I understand his restraints on some level. But I am frustrated it is another summer of us and them.  I told him we are not a "we".  We did not plan together.  Granted, my son's stuff was from 2018 planned out, and he is older. He views his kids plans are just as important of course, and he depends on his mother for child care, and she is able and willing, and that could change on a dime.  His side of the family lives 10 hours away, so her coming is a big deal to have interactions with his side of the family.

I am not stonewalling, but I have not wanted to see him. It feels impossible. We are talking daily.  But there is no solution here.  And it is planned, done. Mother's day weekend was a wash as he was sick all weekend, and my kid got sick on mother's day. The way it goes.  

Blending families.  MEH.......

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I get this. This is our third summer as well. The first summer I tried to plan and just got frustrated. I ended up feeling hurt and taken advantage of. 

 

I have beach trip planned in July (just my 3 kids and myself) We did the same thing last summer.  Last summer also went to NYC with girlfriends. It shocked NG that I just went about my vacations and plans without him last year. Doing the same this year.  It's not worth the headache and it was a 3 ring circus with all his "stuff". Mountain trip planned over Memorial Day next week. - Just kids and I. NG and I are going to Hilton Head for 3 days in June-Just us no kids. That's "our time".

 

For me, it's easier to keep it separate. It's the only way that its fair to my kids. First summer I compromised (made my kids go to the county fair because he goes for a week with his daughter, made my kids go to his crazy family summer gatherings)- Not anymore. Haven't in two years.

 

My kids are happier, I am happier. NG is very attentive and tries to spend as much time as he can with me. I think he knows I will not stop my life or my kids life. It works for this season of our life. Will we last forever? No clue. It's a day by day process. 

 

Blending Families? Not happening. At least not for a while. 

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I have a girlfriend that is in a relationship and it's the same thing for her.  She has her life and he has his.  When they do get together, it's for dinner and a roll in the hay.  Am I missing something here?  Is this what dating and/or relationships are like now at mid life?  Clearly, I'm not doing either (dating or a relationship) and I think this is why.  I want a man that will be a part of my life.  Everyday in everyway.   I know it's possible.  I mean I was married once before.   I had a relationship that was part time in the past.  Never again.  I felt taken advantage of and used.  A guy's either got both feet in, or both of mine are out. 

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Before we worked out our trans-continental arrangement two and a half years ago so we could be together full-time and permanently, whenever we could get together it was either "our time" exclusively, especially at the beginning or we were doing something as a family.   One or the other, and we made sure the children understood that.  That way, the expectations of five different people of vastly different ages with vastly different interests did not get all tangled up. 

 

Once we tried to blend it all together permanently, it became a much more complex organism, one that has challenged the strength of our relationship more than once.  There was a lot of guess work involved and we missed the mark a couple of times (and we inevitably will again) because we were both doing it for the first time.  Even though his children are older and in the UK (and we are here in the States), there have been some tough times (jealousies, miscommunications, disappointments, etc.). 

 

It takes a lot of patience and energy and forgiveness and commitment to blend families, in my experience.    

Edited by Toosoon2.0
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Wow. So sorry you all are going through this. I can't relate -- not because of the 'wanting a full-time situation' thing but the vacation thing. What is that? 😅 I haven't had a vacation in more years than I can count. When my full time work ended in 2013, it was about scraping by. The time share went bust because I couldn't pay it and LH didn't work; his disability only went so far without a full time salary alongside it. Then as a caregiver, I couldn't go anywhere. We couldn't go anywhere. I am grateful to have full time work again, but after having both cars break down and general bills to catch up after LH died, the idea of vacation is a dream.

 

BF and I will have known each other for four years (!) as of Memorial Day weekend. We will have been living under the same roof for about a year and a half (!). He is getting his business off the ground (got his actual state license number a couple days ago). I took a sick day yesterday to get a lump on my arm checked; as I suspected, it is a subcutaneous cyst. I spent the day in my pajamas, filling out the information in the 'So I'm Dead, Now What?' book I got and looking through the living trust and will information package I bought as I considered who I would get to be my witnesses as I signed it all. I listened to BF talk about his meeting with the accountant for his business and about the issues he found with his work truck that he bought. It's life. I leave in a few weeks to work on campus for a week and then will fly east to see my mom for a couple days. I will ask BF since with all the back and forth that has happened with the business stuff, we didn't talk anymore about him going.

 

I guess for me, every day is technically a vacation. While we are both sad about our children (I didn't even get a call from my son on Mother's Day, but BF took me to this Italian place I found near my gym and his granddaughter's birthday was earlier this month and it hit him pretty hard not to be connected to her after the mess with his youngest daughter last year), our only responsibilities are to the four-legged ones in the house. We both work from home so are around each other all day, every day. I am not complaining by any means and sure, there are things I would like to see different. But in the big scheme, I'm okay with this little corner of the world and not leaving it to do much more than the gym, church, and the market ... I've officially become 'that old lady' 🤣

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1 hour ago, StillWidowed said:

I have a girlfriend that is in a relationship and it's the same thing for her.  She has her life and he has his.  When they do get together, it's for dinner and a roll in the hay.  Am I missing something here?  Is this what dating and/or relationships are like now at mid life?  Clearly, I'm not doing either (dating or a relationship) and I think this is why.  I want a man that will be a part of my life.  Everyday in everyway.   I know it's possible.  I mean I was married once before.   I had a relationship that was part time in the past.  Never again.  I felt taken advantage of and used.  A guy's either got both feet in, or both of mine are out. 

No. Most relationships are not this way. However, being in a relationship mid life (for me) compared to when I was in a relationship in my 20's is totally different. 

 

NG has a life from previous marriage. His children are "higher maintenance" than mine (and they are adults)- I have a preteen and two teenagers. I have worked my rear off to get them where they are now. I won't sacrifice my kids future. My expectations for my kids are very different than his expectations for his children. No, this isn't ideal. But it is what it is. We are exclusive and talk several times a day.. However, our lives are very different with different cultures and expectations. 

 

In the beginning I was an "All In" type. He won't work with us, not right now. He's a very loyal and committed boyfriend. He's not a player, I love his character and he is beyond handsome. However, the timing isn't right. It maybe someday, it may not. I maybe a 75 year old girlfriend with a separate house. We may tomorrow and I could fall madly in love with someone else years to come.

 

I just don't know. Life is uncertain. I've learned over the years to just go with the flow..what will be will be. 

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Amen, Sugarbell. 

 

My mom, who has been widowed for 25 years this coming December, has her own home. Her 'companion' (what do you call a partner who is about to be 76? Boyfriend seems weird if the people are over 30 to me ... but I digress) has his own home. Mom got wind of someone in his family making a comment once about her being interested in him for his money and that did it for her. She will never move in on a full-time basis, as in give up her house. When they get cranky at each other, they go to their own houses. He lived with his previous partner for about 25 years and then she took ill and died. He I think was married once to his children's mother. They do what they do as retired folks with health issues. They care deeply for one another and are a dedicated couple. As you've said, going with the flow.

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2 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

I have a girlfriend that is in a relationship and it's the same thing for her.  She has her life and he has his.  When they do get together, it's for dinner and a roll in the hay.  Am I missing something here?  Is this what dating and/or relationships are like now at mid life?  Clearly, I'm not doing either (dating or a relationship) and I think this is why.  I want a man that will be a part of my life.  Everyday in everyway.   I know it's possible.  I mean I was married once before.   I had a relationship that was part time in the past.  Never again.  I felt taken advantage of and used.  A guy's either got both feet in, or both of mine are out. 

I have to admit this is what my relationship is like but it’s what works now. We both have our own kids and we both agreed they come first. We live 35-40 minutes away from one another and neither of us want to uproot at this time and figure it out. We have identified and admitted that we would love a more integrated life but it’s just easier to do this for now. Once I have my girls squared away, I can be more flexible. That will be in a few years since they are teens. NG has a longer way to go with a 4th grader and 7th grader. I also know he’d have to go to court to amend the joint custody agreement if we were to co-habitate. So This just works. 

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Interesting, Julester (and all) how different places can be. LH and I lived together, despite his having a custody agreement about his daughter. It mattered not. That was in NJ, quite a few years back now. Maybe things are different. I never thought about it, having been widowed from my son's dad before LH and I got together. The things you don't know until dealing with them, right?

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I understand what you're all saying.  But I guess my question is this....deep down....like deep deep down inside, wouldn't you rather be in a full time committed relationship?  Are you sure you gals aren't settling for less than what you really want, but won't admit?    Please know that I'm not judging because I was in a relationship very much like the ones mentioned.  I just know that when I was in that similar situation, I told myself for a long time that it was ok.  I would have my life and he would have his, and when we could work it out and be together, we would.  But deep down I was very unhappy with the amount of time we were together.  And for a long time I wouldn't rock the boat, because I didn't want to risk losing him.   I longed for more, but he wouldn't commit to it.  I was available, but he wasn't.  Just make sure that these busy lives and working out the details with children, distance, etc., aren't a guise for one/both of you being emotionally unavailable.

Edited by StillWidowed
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tybec   Meh is right - so sorry that the summer with NG isn't aligning so that you can be together.  Summers with kids and the routine changes so much.  It seems though that you and NG are both digging your heels in and not willing to compromise to be together.  Almost like sabotaging the relationship, now that summer is here.  If you really want time together with him,  can you work together to make it happen?  Kids can stay for a weekend with a friend, and you (or your son?) can miss a band practice or two.  What's NG doing on the weekends when he doesn't have his kids?  It's easy for me to type out a solution, and of course I don't know the details of what you're dealing with.   But it seems that you and NG are two head strong people unwilling to give an inch, in order to be together.   I've been there for almost all of my kids' activities, concerts, games, awards, etc.  But I've missed a few, when I had something else important going on.  For me, it's important that my kids know that I'm there for them, to support their activities and achievements.  But I also want them to know that I prioritize myself or my relationship sometimes too.  

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2 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

I understand what you're all saying.  But I guess my question is this....deep down....like deep deep down inside, wouldn't you rather be in a full time committed relationship?  Are you sure you gals aren't settling for less than what you really want, but won't admit?    Please know that I'm not judging because I was in a relationship very much like the ones mentioned.  I just know that when I was in that similar situation, I told myself for a long time that it was ok.  I would have my life and he would have his, and when we could work it out and be together, we would.  But deep down I was very unhappy with the amount of time we were together.  And for a long time I wouldn't rock the boat, because I didn't want to risk losing him.   I longed for more, but he wouldn't commit to it.  I was available, but he wasn't.  Just make sure that these busy lives and working out the details with children, distance, etc., aren't a guise for one/both of you being emotionally unavailable.

Yes and No. This will sound bad but i’m in the drivers seat in this relationship. If i would move my kids out there, go along with his family stuff he would marry me next week. 

 

But I don’t want to. To me, that would be settling. 

 

I’m not emotionally ready for all of it...Honestly, at this season/stage of my life i wouldn’t be ready with anyone. 

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I'm with you, sugarbell - when things get complicated I like to go home and play with my toys by myself.  I don't want the aggravation or stress of trying to blend.  

 

I'm lucky to feel that I am in a full time committed relationship with him, we see each pretty much every day as he lives close.  NG would marry me next week too - I tell him that this won't happen so he wants to move in together.  Hmmm - we'll see.   I'm happy with the way things are right now.

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On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 5:52 PM, Sugarbell said:

Yes and No. This will sound bad but i’m in the drivers seat in this relationship. If i would move my kids out there, go along with his family stuff he would marry me next week. 

 

But I don’t want to. To me, that would be settling. 

 

I’m not emotionally ready for all of it...Honestly, at this season/stage of my life i wouldn’t be ready with anyone. 

Wait, I'm confused.  How are you in the driver's seat if you have to meet all of his terms in order for him to marry you next week?  Doesn't being in the driver's seat mean that he meets all your terms and agrees to put you and your needs above all his family stuff?  If he gave you all the things you needed, would you marry him? 

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