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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Tybec - I am so sorry.  I get it - I wondered if this would be the outcome for awhile.  But it still sucks to pull the trigger on a decision like this.

 

You gave it a more-than-fair try, so you needn't look back.  I hope your path ahead is better.

 

Take care,

Rob T

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Oh, tybec! I am so sorry you are going through this. Ending a relationship is no fun, even when we know we are making the right decision. You have been lonely for quite some time, I think you’ll find any loneliness you experience while single to be much less painful without those attending feelings of neglect and resentment. I know this is a Huge Thing for you, but you know you gave it all the chances you could until you just couldn’t anymore. Words are easy but actions take effort and he has shown you time and again you are not his priority, despite the words. 

 

Sending you healing thoughts ❤️ You got this, girl. 

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Oh, tybec ..... I'm sorry to hear this - you've given your best and it's not surprising to hear that it's come to this.  It's good that you've decided to not settle - he's shown time and again to not be there for you.  Thinking of you, sending big hugs and good wishes for some peaceful days ahead. 

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18 hours ago, arneal said:

tybec.

 

...

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

You have been there, in that city, for a bit. You got this. No need for fear. However, fear is normal. This house had been home for several years (nearly seven) before LH died. After he died, I was afraid. I was afraid to go outside, afraid that I'd die out there, that no one would know, that my dogs would be alone.

 

But then I got myself in check. I know that my Creator did not give me a spirit of fear, but a sound mind. You have that too. Of all the things you've shared with us here, one thing stands out: you are strong. 

 

Have a good cry. Maybe buy yourself something nice to eat -- hell, go out to dinner. Or a show. Or a show and dinner. Dress up and whistle at yourself in the mirror before you go out.

 

And then take care of yourself.

 

You.

 

Got.

 

This.

 

And we are here for you. 

WHAT SHE SAID! You got this girl! I agree being alone sucks, but it's better than settling for the wrong thing! …. Do right by YOU and the right will come along. I'm right there with you waiting for the right one too.... 

(((((hugs)))))

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Tybec- You made much effort, you were flexible, and you were understanding. You did so much more and you can’t wait for him. You tried but his situation is just dragging out and kudos for recognizing that you found your limit. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as his situation made it for you. Hugs and strength! Chalk it up as a learning experience. That’s what I do with almost everything I experience now and move on. 

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Thank you all.  Today is NG’s birthday.  I read up on texting him HBD.  I am not going to.  Stay clear.  That is hard.  3 yrs with some one and can’t even text.  But it is not recommended by most when reading about break ups. 

I am lonely.  I am trying to remember why I decided this.  And it’s been brewing for months.  

I reached out at work and have a GNO planned Saturday night.  Monday lunch with my fellow widow friend who is also a psychologist, so my more non bias sounding board person. 

It’s hard.  But not like losing your mate to death.  I am thankful for that.  

Fairlanegirl- rented that movie.  A bit dark to me but I get it.  My life has been so “vanilla”, there sure can be some strangeness out there.  But the character keeps going 😊

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Hey tybec -- glad to hear you are doing okay.

 

Your post here about the birthday reminds me of this guy I ... how does one say tastefully? ... spent a bit of time with after the first husband died. I was lonely and after the ways the first husband talked to me about myself, I was seeking affirmation as a woman. I saw this guy sort of frequently as he lived upstairs from my mom at the time. We'd talk, I thought he was cute, there seemed some attraction. We spent time alone sometimes and looking back, I was that total booty call. Anyway, one day I was driving somewhere and saw him out fishing with this woman. It hit me like a ton of bricks: my mind flashed to those times when he'd call me to say he was at his daughter's house or at friend's and he was on his way home, could he stop by. It was always under cover of darkness that he'd look me up. Yet, here he was, out fishing with this woman in broad daylight where anyone driving by the creek could see. Never me. We never once went on a date. I was SO angry. Not at him but at myself. I stopped answering his calls. If I did pick up by accident, I was always busy. When I'd go see my mom and he'd try to talk to me, I would ignore him, but politely. One evening we ended up talking and he pulled out a gun, acted like I was supposed to be scared; I was again furious -- I'd told him the first husband had been abusive and in that moment, I realized he hadn't heard me at all. I looked him in the eye and said to him, 'Is that supposed to scare me? You obviously don't know what I've been through. I owned two guns, both bigger than that, before they got stolen. Gimme a break'. He was shook up bad. He would try to talk to me but I'd moved on. I met LH soon after that. They knew each other. This guy even approached LH once (well before we married) and told him that he'd stolen 'his girl'. That's how I found out they knew each other -- LH told me the guy had stepped to him and I busted out laughing at first, then told him that we'd seen each other a few times, that he lived upstairs from my mom, but never EVER acted like he wanted to actually date. So um, no. I wasn't 'his' anything. After LH and I married and I bought a house, I saw the dude at the store. He'd changed a lot. We had a good chat and I told LH when I got home. We laughed about it -- snooze you lose sort of thing. I connected to the guy for a while on social media; quite a few people I knew were connected to him as well (small town life) but I was on the other side of the country. Last year when I was cleaning up my contacts, I deleted him in the group of people who either never posted anything to me or whose feeds were just not interesting to me. Haven't heard from him since. I'm due to go back and see my mom in about a week; it would be weird running into him, but whatever. 

 

Point is, no amount of loneliness is worth our ... worth.

 

You are important, tybec. If he couldn't see that, his loss. He snoozed and lost.

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I’m so sorry Tybec- it was so brave of you to make this decision even if is the right decision for you. For some time you have seemed unhappy with all the drama and he way NG has dealt with his kids/custody. I completely get it when you’ve reached your limit. You deserve everything you want and you really have given it your all....I’ve been through a few breakups post widow (one serious) and it’s good to keep busy, please vent here if you need/want support and keep away from him (if you are interested I’ve read a few break up support books that helped) and they all say to stay away. Believe me, with time no contact makes it easier and gives more clarity to the situation. I wish you all the best - and look forward to hearing more of your next chapter. 

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Hi, all! Traveling for work since Sunday and will head to see my mom for a couple days at the end of this time. I met a new colleague while here -- it's interesting how we have those divine appointments sometimes. First, one colleague, when she found out I was coming, said she would host me at her house the first night here. I arrived and checked into the hotel, dropped my stuff off and took a small bag, and went to her place. I met her husband, her dog, and their three birds! She had made enough food for an army and had invited several others who live in the area; in all, we were seven. I didn't go to bed until nearly midnight on Sunday night. She'd given me the guest room, shown me where the office was where I could set up my computer. I had my own bathroom to use. In the morning, we sat and had coffee, then she drove us to the worksite and dropped me off. 

 

Then yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk with this new colleague. She and I ended up sharing our various relationship sagas ... she had a controlling first husband whom she divorced and now is married to a great guy; between the two of them, they have eight children, including a set of twins. They worked to get the first few through college and now those who are finished are working to help their siblings through college. I was in awe! Anyway, she said she's raised her daughters to be independent -- to remember that if you need a man, you're in it for the wrong reasons. If you'd like a man in your life, that's different.

 

We talked about not wanting to get into other relationships after our first marriages but that evidently, God had other plans; here she was, remarried with eight children, who all seemed to be doing very well! Here I am, solid in my thing after having had two marriages. 

 

What it came down to for me was about getting comfortable in our own skin. Knowing what we want, what we will put up with, what we will not. 

 

I freaked BF out a bit before I left. I got my will and that stuff finished; when I told him, he said 'you are talking about dying'. I said yes, I was, because tomorrow's aren't promised. I was preparing to get on a plane, followed by time on several other planes. What if I didn't come home? And then I left and other than sending him a couple messages (Sunday to let him know I landed and was on my way to my friend's house and a couple on Monday), we've not been in touch. I'll reach out before I leave on Friday and of course will respond if he messages me. And that's just how it is. 

 

Life is what we make of it, right? Enjoy it. Be happy, whatever that looks like.

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Oh Arneal, I'm sorry, but your post broke my heart!  You live with this man, share a bed, your body and heart with this man, and he hasn't been in touch with you since Monday?  I couldn't be happy if that's what it looked like for me.  Please be kind to yourself.  ((((Hugs))))

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3 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

Oh Arneal, I'm sorry, but your post broke my heart!  You live with this man, share a bed, your body and heart with this man, and he hasn't been in touch with you since Monday?  I couldn't be happy if that's what it looked like for me.  Please be kind to yourself.  ((((Hugs))))

Shows we are all different - I've been happily with a fellow for seven years now who I love but don't live with, and we can go 2-3 days without contact. I pretty much know when he will turn up and we know we love each other: we just don't need to be in contact every single day.

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If I lived with a man and was traveling and away from him and I’m not hearing from him for 2-3 days, to even check to see how I am,  come on!  It has nothing to do with HAVING to have contact or confirmation of love. It does have to do with the other person WANTING to show that they love you enough to check if you’re still alive!  

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It's like fairlanegirl said: we are all different.

 

I've never EVER had anyone call me or check on me everyday. I've never EVER called or checked on someone everyday -- well, of course when LH was sick, that's different as I didn't travel ... And then there was that time last year when BF and his daughter had their falling out when we didn't talk for almost a week; that was before we lived together and I found myself texting every day. By Thursday or Friday, since I didn't know what was going on, I felt frantic. I didn't like that as it wasn't 'me'. I felt insecure and needy since, like I said, the everyday thing wasn't me.

 

When LH was healthy and I was away for work? It was a normal occurrence if a day would go by and we didn't connect. I was working. He was working. Maybe it's because LH and I were only children that it seemed normal not to talk to someone everyday.

 

I checked my phone just before leaving for first session this morning; BF had messaged me. I answered. We didn't message yesterday, so one day in between, really -- like I said, connected on Sunday when I got settled, couple messages on Monday. Who knows? We may or may not connect tomorrow. It's okay. I have a jam-packed schedule when I'm here. I'll certainly reach out on Friday before I head out for my next flight and will connect after I get settled at my mom's.

 

It's not like I got here early Sunday and neither of us reached out at all and now it's Friday or something. A day or two to me follows the old adage -- absence makes the heart grow fonder :)

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Geez...  you truly independent people make me feel like a schmuck.... 

I've been sitting here literally crying because I don't see my new guy as often as I want to.  

It's so hard to work out communication differences.... 

He's perfectly content to call me and tell me good night...  and that's it for the day.. and he's ok with not seeing each other but once or twice a week... 

 

I need so much more than that...  It's hard to go from the "marriage" relationship to the "dating" relationship and honor those boundaries.... 

 

I texted him at noon.. and again at 6... and he never responded all day.. He called about an hour ago to say good night....  and I was crying...  

I was feeling so rejected, and so lonely, and so pathetic....  I've told him that I will adjust my expectations.. but would appreciate a response to texts....  doesn't seem like that should be difficult....   

 

But those of you who go days without communicating with your special people.....  I just don't understand that level of independence...  I am far too needy and insecure.... 

 

(And in some ways, I think there will be issues of trust in any relationship I have that's not a marriage.....  )  

 

Ok...  I keep learning from all of you and your experiences and wisdom.. Thanks so much for being transparent and sharing...  I suppose this will be fodder for my next therapy appointment....  

 

Jen

 

 

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3 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

Geez...  you truly independent people make me feel like a schmuck.... 

I've been sitting here literally crying because I don't see my new guy as often as I want to.  

It's so hard to work out communication differences.... 

He's perfectly content to call me and tell me good night...  and that's it for the day.. and he's ok with not seeing each other but once or twice a week... 

 

I need so much more than that...  It's hard to go from the "marriage" relationship to the "dating" relationship and honor those boundaries.... 

 

I texted him at noon.. and again at 6... and he never responded all day.. He called about an hour ago to say good night....  and I was crying...  

I was feeling so rejected, and so lonely, and so pathetic....  I've told him that I will adjust my expectations.. but would appreciate a response to texts....  doesn't seem like that should be difficult....   

 

But those of you who go days without communicating with your special people.....  I just don't understand that level of independence...  I am far too needy and insecure.... 

 

(And in some ways, I think there will be issues of trust in any relationship I have that's not a marriage.....  )  

 

Ok...  I keep learning from all of you and your experiences and wisdom.. Thanks so much for being transparent and sharing...  I suppose this will be fodder for my next therapy appointment....  

 

Jen

 

 

RAM, don't beat yourself up. When my bloke and I do text, we reply to each other, and fairly promptly. I would definitely want an explanation otherwise. And seeing each other once a week anyway would be too little for me most of the time too. At the risk of being crude, well you know, it'd be frustrating, for one thing! My guy is usually here most of weekend and one night in week. The rest of the time I'm happy enough to do my own thing, with the odd phone call. TBH I have two kids here including a 14-year-old, and things can get pretty tense/awful between him and her, so wouldn't want to be living together right now. I guess the peace and just being able to cope by myself with the kids is enough the rest of the time.Feeling secure in the knowledge he loves me helps even when he isn't here.

Re going away and not being in contact, I've always been a 'no news is good news' kind of person. Or rather was, until my husband was killed in an accident. Now if I travel, I will text on arrival, at my boyfriend's request, as he is a worrier.

So I guess that is my long-winded way of saying, wanting to see your fella more is not necessarily 'insecure'. Wanting responses to texts is not needy, it's normal. I don't know how long you've been going out with this guy, but mine is a long-standing relationship of several years so I feel secure enough to ask for what I need: I know it's harder at the beginning when you don't always know how to talk to each other about things.

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There are two different personality types- those who are energized by being with people and those who are energized by solitude. I’m in the latter category, but I think it’s the minority. Neither is necessarily good or bad, but it can make for some hurt feelings/anxiety for both kinds of people- for different reasons. 

 

When I was first dating my bf I did find myself feeling needy- like I’d returned to my much younger self- and it was very frustrating and kind of humiliating for me to deal with it. It was like I was dating for the first time again. Of course, the upside was the rush of the good emotions/feelings  was so very intense and exciting- and addicting. I had trouble figuring out what was real and what was imagined. What was an acceptable and real concern and what was just this new me being hyper and anxious. My gut instincts were a ball of confusion. Thankfully, with time, this has gotten better, though I do still go to the dark places much quicker than pre-widow me. 

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This site has opened my eyes up to so many differences in relationships and expectations.  

My parents married in 1950, meeting in college.  My dad was in WW II.  They were homebodies, church attendees and mainly did activities that were volunteer types of organizations.  Married 56 yrs. 

My older brother by 14 yrs is a doctorate level marriage and family therapist.  He and his wife both went seminary.  Best friends.  Talk daily though may be in different parts of the world.  Took a 3 week trip for their 40th wedding anniversary.  That’s my experience and therefore expectation of marriage.  Not for everyone but mine. And don’t I know it😉!  

 

So RAM, not needy just different.  

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In all the years DH and I were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and doing life together, never did we go a day without communication.  Maybe I'm missing something, but when you're living with someone and sharing your life with them, isn't it the same thing as marriage without the legal document?  If I were traveling or he was traveling, we always checked in with each other daily. I think the majority of people in loving relationships would WANT to do that.  Arneal, I think if given the choice, you'd choose that over not hearing from him for 2-3 days or more.  I'm just feeling bad about your situation.  Not judging it.

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Wow, tybec, you just made me realize something about my expectations of relationships and where they came from- thanks for the insight! ❤️ I was raised in the Navy (pre-computers). I saw couples, including my parents, separated for months on end. Spouses wrote each other daily, or weekly, or monthly- and phone calls were very, very rare. People usually lived far away from their extended families. This upbringing made me pretty self-contained- and adaptable. I can get close to people fast, since my past taught me time was of the essence- and I can also cut people out of my life fairly easily, because moving all the time teaches you detachment. I grew up with many different cultures and religions intermingling- so I experienced, through places/friendships/dating, lots of people very different from me. 

 

Growing up, your love story was pretty much my ideal- same friends and boyfriend my whole life, marrying him and never ever moving! Of course, instead, my father instilled in me a wanderlust and I didn’t settle down until my husband insisted we should put down roots and buy a house, when we were in our 40s. And now, here you and I both are, on a young widow site!  I’m glad you have decided to leave the safety of your first relationship post-widowhood and look for what your heart truly needs. 

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No need to feel bad, StillWidowed. Since we do live under the same roof, to me we've grown together and I don't feel as needy/weird as I did when we were just dating. I needed to get an understanding of who both of us were as a 'couple'. It's now been three years and I know who he is in this space and what he needs and who I am in this space and what I need. I don't need to hear from him every day, when I'm here serving my students. He is building his business and doesn't need to hear from me. We both have home offices and in the morning will say, Okay, I'm about to commute -- from the family room to our respective offices. And then we may not see each other, except during trips to the bathroom or to get a snack and then not see each other until dinner. And we're both home.

 

Like Bunny said, two different personality types. I am definitely a solitary type and so is BF. In that way, we complement each other. 

 

I think there's also our experiences. The first husband didn't trust me to even go to work (the abusive one) while my second husband had a wife who didn't trust him. I never want to go through that again and I don't want to be perceived as being like that. I let BF be him and have his space and I have mine. 

 

It's comfortable for me and for him. It's one of the best spaces I've been in, relationship-wise.

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