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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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A very quiet summer here. NG auditioned in the spring for a play and of course he got a part. Rehearsals started in in May and builds were over the weekend so our time together has been very slim this summer. I am happy for him. Acting was something he gave up for his family. The show just closed yesterday however the kids go back to school for the both of us so it’s busy this week. Fall is busy for me since I do music boosters and volunteer for band and my daughter also plays tennis which is a fall sport. I just keep on going and insert him in when I can. Nothing new in planning ahead for us. The issue is our kids. We want our kids to finish where they are. I’ve got 3 years left but he’s got 5-8 years for his kids to finish high school. Neither of our homes can absorb all of us theoretically but it’s not like we discussed it. Oh well! 

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Well, I am back.  NG from 3 1/2 yrs and I started talking again.  We have a counseling session Thursday. 

 

He got his kids 50/50 two weeks ago after petitioning the courts in July to make a decision before school started. It is still unreal to him. 5 years in the same town, 2 years since the first court hearing.  His ex did a "hail mary" and made an emergency therapy appointment for the oldest, the reason for the hold up all these years, the child's mental health issues. . The therapist saw the child, did not speak to either parent who was there in lobby, let the child go home with NG and younger sibling. Her attorney called the therapist the next day, and the therapist filled out an affidavit to have an emergency change of custody based on the session.  The therapist spoke to NG's attorney who called him. Never spoke to either parent, went straight to the attorneys. Hearing on Thursday, and the judge admonished the mother.  No witnesses. Basically said he had it, and the child had to learn to live with father who has no issues, and she needed to stop the negative influence and interference.  The judge is a widower and lost his son in a car accident prior to his wife's sudden death. He wrote a book on grief and recovery, and he told her that if something happened to her, the father would have these children all the time. And she needed to learn to co-parent.  And the child needed to learn to deal with life, as he has been coddled for years by the maternal side of the family and he needs his father as he is approaching adolescence, and if the child  can't deal with authority and rules, etc, then this should have happened a long time ago.  There is more to the story, but the judge got it. She has never cooperated, two mediators, and she did not change. And now the judge is seeing her pattern. 

 

So, we are going to counseling to talk about communication and blending of families.  I will sit on the other side of the couch. It will be a good thing. 

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Hey there, Jules -- ah, back to school. Yes, my dogs are having fits because the kids are all walking past the house again. I like the quiet of summer :) Hoping you and your guy find time to spend together; even when you are content in your own spaces, it's good to keep some regular time together to maintain relationship. 

 

Wow, tybec!!!!! The timing is not ours, but it's always perfect. It takes someone with open eyes to see the big picture. I think I once told the story about LHs ex. She actually stood in front of a magistrate with LH and I present and said she didn't believe he was as sick as he said, that he was just saying those things to not pay support. The magistrate lost her mind in there and told ex to NEVER say anything like that again. She told ex that she had the medical records in front of her and if she ever heard anything like that again, she would try and cancel the order all together. It was incredible. I was so angry for a lot of years after that. I couldn't look at the woman.

 

I struggle not to be so negative about them. When I was on the phone with LHs daughter yesterday, I couldn't believe how she talked in front of her mom. I mean, to each their own and especially if an adult, but there is no way that I would use such language casually. And I don't mean just because I'm in front of my mom. We were talking about some of her dad's items and she said 'I don't know how he lifted them because those m***rf***kers are heavy!'. I have never even used the abbreviation for that word in front of my mom LOL!

 

BF and I were talking about switching the mattress and I told him I needed to keep one of the cabinets from being blocked. I mentioned that I talked to LHs daughter and the more I shared, the more negative I sounded. I am praying to just not talk about her anymore. I don't like that side of myself.

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arneal  I hear you on the negativity about kids.  And I relate to the difference in kids' upbringing.  I've learned to keep my mouth shut about his kids - nothing good will come of it.  I don't like this side of myself either.  When I started dating I sought out guys with kids, thinking it would be good to have that in common.  We're not blending, just trying to co-exist - never knew it would be this difficult.  

 

Good luck with the start of school jules, hope that all goes smoothly.  Sounds like a busy week for you!  

 

tybec  So glad that Finally! the ex is being called out on what she is doing. I feel for this child, and hope there aren't lasting effects on him because of her behavior.  Best with the counseling session and good to hear from you.  

 

DS is home, my house again is full of kids and I'm happy.  I'll have a little less time with NG and I think it's a good thing.  It will be good to change things up a bit.  

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trying2: that's a great philosophy, being quiet ... I've got to practice it more. Despite my best efforts, I end up with 'hoof in mouth disease' LOL. I talked with my mom yesterday and I heard myself: 'guess who called me?' and then it was off to the races. I tried to not sound so horrid, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I have one cousin, she's actually LH's cousin but she and I have always been close and shared things like this. She's had a rougher work schedule than I, so no one to bounce it off of and here I am ... oh, well. And this too shall pass ...

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Oh arneal you must remember we are only human!  trying 2 , I bow to you if you have mastered the art of staying quiet :D , time for you to write a book for the rest of us girls! I truly can't stand being in this negativity place , be it this apartment situation, the manager and his sidekick, or others! It always makes me think of an old saying, "misery loves company!"

On another note, it's a lot of great news from all of you and seeing you back on the board :) , 14 more days and counting for me, and yes I'm counting down now, lol....

I'm getting excited...

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Hey there, sudnly -- know that we are counting down with you and look forward to hearing good news! I talked with LHs cousin yesterday; she recently stepped out of her home (she is a widow as well) and moved into a condo/townhouse/something lol. She sounds very happy and I hope your story is similar! Since this was a home she owned, the moving process is a little different, but the thing is, she is so at peace.

 

Ah, being human ... while that is so very true, I know that I am more than a conqueror because of my faith. It could be soo much worse!

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Gosh well thanks for the kudos on being quiet - I'm no master at it, try but am not always successful!   I know that whenever the subject of his daughters comes up, it stresses me out.  NG just says "they're kids!" in response to what I consider to be rude behavior and taking advantage of their Dad.  Kids that are 23 & 25 and should know better?  The behavior is possibly as a result of two divorces and what they went through - I try to give them a bit of leeway in this regard but it isn't easy.   My daughter - super social and usually accepting of others - mentioned that she doesn't want to hang out with them either.  She wanted a blended family that includes kids, unfortunately this just isn't working out with them right now.  Makes me sad.  This is a downside of our relationship - and possibly a breaking point if it doesn't get better. 

 

sudnly  Countdown to the 27th ..... less than 2 weeks? :) 

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It's got to be tough, trying2, especially with an intuitive daughter like yours. If she's uncomfortable, that's saying something for sure. And yeah ... the 'they are kids' excuse when they are over 20? No ... they are 'his' kids, but they are adults. However, maturity and what they've been allowed to do are a totally different thing.

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2 hours ago, arneal said:

It's got to be tough, trying2, especially with an intuitive daughter like yours. If she's uncomfortable, that's saying something for sure. And yeah ... the 'they are kids' excuse when they are over 20? No ... they are 'his' kids, but they are adults. However, maturity and what they've been allowed to do are a totally different thing.

Amen sister!

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latest update is NOT good. was in the ER last night from 8 until 3 am. I hurt my leg and caused a blood clot in my leg!😥 It's painful and scary! ! ! Can you believe it? A dvt,, so now blood thinners, a very sore leg, and have to be very fricking careful. It's like damn I feel like I can't win for losing, but I'm not giving up the fight! 

Oh and my car was in the damn shop again too! I had it worked on a few months back, and they pissed me off cause they talked to me like I didn't know what I was talking about cause I'm just a little oh woman, ya know? Well they had to fix it right and this time for free plus the lever that opens the hood to my suv that they broke and I could prove it cause I replaced the battery a week prior and still have the receipt! I told them , don't under estimate this woman, cause you will lose, lol....

Anywho, I have my leg prooped up ice on it, taking Eliquis to dissolve the blood clot , which I will have to now take for at least 3 months or more, and still moving forward! Thank goodness my sister took a week off because now we will have to stop a LOT for me to walk around, LOL, sniffle sniffle😪 , but still fighting and going forward

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sudnly -- thinking of you and lifting you in prayer, sister. Oh my. Yes, what laurie said -- be very careful and don't overdo it. When LH was on thinners, he would get tired or lightheaded. Be careful standing up too fast and all that. 

 

Brighter days, friend. Brighter days. 💕

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sudnlysngl - sending your prayers and thoughts for strength and peace. Something has to go your way soon!  

 

T2B- much peace and a time of discernment for you and yours.  It is hard blending. No ifs, ands or buts. Who knew?  

 

NG and I had our first counseling session. The counselor dove into communication head on. He explained the threat to relationships is the lack of the intimacy bond which is challenged by our fear response. We can debate examples, who did what, where, etc., but all that comes down to feeling safe and secure in the relationship. Both NG and I have fears.  Different stories, but fear nevertheless. And how to build that intimacy?  It is kind of the idea of this person has your back, ALWAYS, and that is what I had in my marriage.  Despite our challenges, I never was fearful of my husband not being there for me. We were bound to each other. So, NG and I have this happening, and fear is a huge motivator,  and I agree for me it is part of the big picture. So see how it all comes together.

 

NG is back in court today. The ex has petitioned the court on vacating the entire new custody order, overturning the ER custody order on grounds they didn't get to defend their facts, and a new one regarding child support.  He has his kids this week again. And he starts a new job next week, commuting.  It is a lot, and I am not sure how to work on us and all he has going on. I guess that will be something I discuss with the counselor's help.  I AM growing from this and will see what happens.  I had decided I would go to counseling by myself if needed to work through some things.  Self care...

 

Edited by tybec
typo
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On 8/15/2019 at 4:59 PM, trying2breathe said:

Gosh well thanks for the kudos on being quiet - I'm no master at it, try but am not always successful!   I know that whenever the subject of his daughters comes up, it stresses me out.  NG just says "they're kids!" in response to what I consider to be rude behavior and taking advantage of their Dad.  Kids that are 23 & 25 and should know better?  The behavior is possibly as a result of two divorces and what they went through - I try to give them a bit of leeway in this regard but it isn't easy.   My daughter - super social and usually accepting of others - mentioned that she doesn't want to hang out with them either.  She wanted a blended family that includes kids, unfortunately this just isn't working out with them right now.  Makes me sad.  This is a downside of our relationship - and possibly a breaking point if it doesn't get better. 

 

sudnly  Countdown to the 27th ..... less than 2 weeks? :) 

This.

 

NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I  will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone)

My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. 

 

our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom".

 

Oh well...Life is indeed a journey. 

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Hey there, Sugarbell: it sounds like you have incredible children -- that is a blessing! LH's daughter, who I've shared about, is not an under-achiever, but seems to lack the motivation her dad had. Because of where he was in life, her mom had her via primary custody back in the day. It was not (and I'm gathering in some places, much hasn't changed) uncommon for the mom to nearly always get the kids, even when she was obviously not the best choice when it came to how they would be raised. LH's daughter has a lot of expectations of the world but doesn't seem to see that she has to put in her share, in the right way. My son has special needs; LH took him on like a dad. It didn't matter. My son was still disrespectful and harmful and I dealt with him, every time I found out about it. Like you, I have never taken any crap from him. LH didn't take crap from his daughter either, but because she knew in her mom's house, the rules were different, she would run 'home'. Our house was 'home' when she didn't like how things were going with her mom and vice versa.

 

BF was't easy on his kids and in some ways, I would say he was too tough. I don't mean that as in 'his punishments were too hard on them' but rather it was how he said what he meant. There are times now that he'll say things and if a person were just listening to the words and didn't know him as a person, they might be taken back a few steps. I often reframe when I talk to him, which is something no one in his life has done -- from his formative years through adulthood. That's not a bad trait, his forthrightness, in his role as a leader in his field or even when he was in the military, but as a 'regular person'? It doesn't always work.

 

I try to stay mindful of the fact that most of us aren't the first chapter for our significant others, just like they aren't our first chapter. Even though we are on to a second (or third, or fourth, whatever it might be) chapter because of the death of the previous, it doesn't mean stepping into the new is any easier for either of us. Or our kids. Especially when we each bring a different skill set (or lack thereof) to the table. Can each of us grow? Sure, I hope! But will it be seamless and easy? Not always. Sigh.

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i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. 

 

Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry. 

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Gotta love this one! So I see the landlord this morning and I tell him there will be a moving truck in the parking spots on Saturday and again on Tuesday. He proceeds to tell me he didn't know I was moving! I looked at him and said "bullshit". So he said well I didn't get a notice. To which I said oh yes you did,  I gave a 60 day when I only had to give a 30 day, I called you on the 1st of July, and when I did the written you weren't around so your "office assistant " had me put it in her box so she has it and I have the text on my phone to prove it, plus text from her saying you both know it! As well as a copy of it on my phone! Shut his ass right up, he just doesn't want to give me any of my money back! Then I said to him when your not available what is the point of your "office assistant"? He wouldn't answer, then he says quietly the spots will be open for the trucks.

Oh the trials and tribulations, and he went around bitching about me leaving to several other tenants here! oiy.....

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So sorry Sugarbell. I guess it will be important for you to decide if formal marriage and life together is something you want. All of us bring our baggage, whether it's kids, past hurts, financial constraint, whatever. We just have to decide what is right for all involved, especially ourselves and those under our care.

 

Wow, sudnly. You go, girl for keeping all that trail of evidence! You're like CSI!!! Good for you. I pray your safety through the final hurdles here.

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On 8/21/2019 at 3:11 PM, Sugarbell said:

 

our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom".

 

 

Yup ^

 

Not in a tiny town, there are options - but I have the best time with NG.   I love and adore this man and when it's just us, it's amazing.  Bring in the family - different story.  Kids won't blend, I have no desire to blend with his kids either.  They most likely feel the same.  Live with him?  With some well-defined boundaries, maybe someday.  Marry him?  Hell no.  

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Yes Yes Yes!

 

NG lives on his family farm/land. His Mom is right down the hill next door. He drives her everywhere daily. No way in hell would I ever move out there. Something tells me she is also going to outlive him. Extremely needy and he does everything for her. 

 

Really wish he wasn't so nice and so damn good looking. Reading what I have posted (between his train wreck kids, crazy family, crazy ex and extremely needy mother) is making me question this whole thing more and more. I am in rural WV. Pickings are very slim and with 3 teenagers I really don't want to be out in the dating scene in my childhood hometown. Ugh!

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So sorry Sugarbell. I imagine what it would be like for me if I was back home (southern NJ). I'd be alone for sure, or would spend most of my time in the city :( pickin's were more than slim, they were none when I was there. I am in southern California, so tons of people. However, also tons of fakery. I did online dating and ran into some real winners ... grateful I didn't give up and got a lot more choosy. I mean, meeting someone and spending time is an effort no matter what. As we get older, we have standards and expectations. I hope there's more to NG than nice and good-looking for you, Sugarbell. We all also make some sort of concessions, both men and women, because that's what compromise in relationships is about too, but don't settle just not to be alone ...

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I have had my 3rd session in therapy.  It is eye opening.  I am learning a lot about me and my NG. I knew I could learn more.  We have a lot to cover, and we both have so much loss actually. The therapist is using EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy) which is interesting given my NG is very cerebral and I am more  so than I thought.  My brother is a PHD in Marriage and Family Therapy from early 80s, getting ready to retire, college professor. He shared some more information about this as he states it is the HOT couples therapy currently. He gave it a thumbs up but also shared there are other models he prefers.  Fit matters. So, anyway.  Thought I would share a video as it is relevant to me, and maybe some of you. 

 

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