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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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I MADE IT UP NORTH! :)  When I asked the landlord to do the walk through he immediately started cussing me out with my daughter standing there. He refused to do it cause he knew he owes me my money back, jumped in his truck  and attempted to hit me twice while saying he would call the cops. I started yelling back at him to call the damn cops , then I started yelling as others were watching to tell them the truth that the apartments are illegal and not rentable by state law and statues! One lady looked at me with great concern so I said to her , "hey do you know where your deposit money is? It's suppose to be listed in your lease by law!  He ( the landlord ) then took off! 

So I left out of there  keys to the place in hand, and will mail them to the owner of the complex with a certified letter demanding my money with a threat of a lawsuit as well as pictures of how clean I left the place , which was better than I received it when I moved in!

But I got out of Florida ahead of the hurriacane…. 

My leg did ok, some swelling, but not horrible. Had a hotel double charge me for the one night stay, card is helping with that , we don't get everything to go ok do we?

Got to be better days ahead.

Hoping everyone here is doing ok! :) 

Thanks again for all the well wishes friends ❤️

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Quote

 

If a movie ever gets made about this the ending will NOT be what it is right now! My sister and I have already had 1 fight, sheesh....

So the  ending would be me blowing up the landlord or at least beating his ass and everyone laughing because he got beat up by a girl :D . Things are getting better, slowly but at

least they are....

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Good morning,

 

So,  this topic of budding to committed relationship.    Guess how I spend my Friday nights?  At couple's counseling! LOL!

4th counseling session.  It's helping .  Who knew a mediator of sorts could do so much to improve communication?  I work with kids so it is so different.  It's good.   The holding pattern we have been in is changing. Plus, NG is learning about himself and his kids and parenting since he has them 50/50 now. His over indulgence has not won him accolades with his kids, and now he can see it.  And I am learning about myself and how to change some patterns I had that were not effective to us forming "us" .  Got a lot going on.  But hopeful.  😊

 

Glad you are getting through it all, sudnlysngl.  What a trip!

Edited by tybec
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Thanks Tybec, and kudos to you and your ng :) . It takes a lot to go to counseling and to be willing to continue to go! This change for me is a difficult transition as well but needed!

I'm considering it a new chapter in my book of my life. Hopefully it will have a decent ending, lol....

Oh gosh, I'm really praying it has a good ending. I'm doing the things I think I need to , to help make it one, :D 

I'm wishing all of you the absolute best and I will keep you posted on my journey whatever it may be! 

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tybec   Good to hear, and so glad that counseling is making a difference!  I love therapy, if I had a bottomless bank account I think I'd go every week.  Haven't done much couples sessions but I guess it could only help! :) 

 

sudnly   It must feel so good to be out of that crazy place - any update on getting your deposit back?  

 

 

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Hey, tybec and thank you -- for sharing and for your well-wishes!

 

sudnly -- just keep on truckin! And like trying2 said, what's up with the deposit? Likely he'll take his time that landlord, but I suspect there's something in your paperwork about how long he has to give it back.

 

Our church has an annual thing they call a marriage or relationship seminar. They have books and materials for us to learn with, like the five love languages. NG doesn't go with me, which is a blessing of sorts because I get to practice what I learn without him knowing LOL. I've become better at listening I think. One of my prayers was for wisdom when it comes to understanding his motives for action or inaction and why he does things the way he does. I've learned a lot about him, just in the past few weeks of trying to be silent, to listen, and not try to offer a solution or an 'I think' comment. I must be on to something because he's not one for giving compliments generally, but he paid me one today. 

 

Keep on your path, friends. 

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He (landlord/mgr) has 30 days. He is really pissed right now cause I busted him on over 10 FL statues and laws that he and the owner were breaking. I was willing to let them keep 2 months of rent at $850 and give me back 4 months plus my deposit of 1 month, but he thinks he gets to keep it all. OH HELL NOOO!  LOL

I showed that it was clearly him that breached the lease and not me, so stay tuned....

I will have to say I'm loving the cooler temps here :) , now winter will take some adjusting but I CAN DO IT! :D 

My doctor did give me another month of meds to give me time to get set up with new doctors here, which is unheard of with him! For that I'm so grateful. The leg is doing good, and the blood clot is discentegrating slowly, but it is going away.

My birthday is Monday and never in a million years did I think I would be doing all of this and going through all of this right now in my life.

OH, did I tell all of you that my camper sold 2 days before I left? And yes I  got what I wanted and cash. GOD is GOOD!!!!

So people lets keep holding each other up and know that some how it does get better, even if it is ever so slowly...

And thanks again to all of you for your love and support❤️

 

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sudnly -- you are so fabulous! I love it that you Law & Order'ed your landlord LOL! It is also great to read that you have been blessed in so many other ways during the process -- the medication, the disintegration of the blood clot, and the camper? Yay, you!!!!!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, moving out of this thread.  NG ended it with me last week. After what were some really good sessions in therapy, or so I thought, he ended it with me when I stated nothing had changed in his behavior.  Our last session the counselor said we kinda were at a point of move forward (marriage in our case) or break up.  NG stated I was worth the fight, he wanted no one else. He had told me earlier in the process he would be my person, be there for my son and me.  And then when we saw each other one hour in the week he had his kids and his mother was here, I was frustrated and passive aggressive. Not good, but I was. He stated we needed to break up. 

I am going for my second therapy session on my own to get my head straight. Also, the therapist has some insight from our interactions that helps. NG got his kids and his dream job on the same day. He has a commute that is substantial, and figuring all that out took his mother's help (she flies in every other week since May now).  I have had waves of feelings.  I am not devastated, though.  I am angry. I feel he lied to me. Don't say those things to a woman if you don''t mean it, I mean. 

I'll be okay. My kid is doing alright, too.  He shared some things with me.

The fear of being alone is great. Moving to a new town.  Who are my ER people?  Who can I depend on?  That kind of thing. But not so fearful to stay with a man who thinks 3 hours a week when he has his mother and kids is okay, for 4 months, after dating 3.5 years.

So, I move forward. With a lot of learning under me. Good, bad or ugly..  Growth....

Edited by tybec
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Oh, tybec .............. 

First, {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Second, I'm angry with you. What the hell is that? I mean, if you had an ex who was around with the children you had together and NG was trying to see you, would he have been okay? Doubt it. And so kids and dream job means that he doesn't talk to you about possibilities, to get your input, to assess how you feel too? 

I am so sorry, hun and hope you'll pop back in, just to say hi and let us know you're okay?

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Arneal, 

 

We did talk about the new job. He couldn't turn it down. It was a Godsend. We discussed how to manage it all, how I could help with his kids' care if needed. But his kids in sports and practices nightly and games on Saturday,  he was wrapped up all the time whether it was his week or not. And there lied the problem. He did not integrate us. The counselor was working through he was not hearing me, meeting my needs, withdrawing or getting angry and feeling defeated.  He is frozen in fear with the courts and just getting his kids back and trying to figure all the child care and new job.  BUT I still got a say and when I had my say, he backed out.  Instead of trying harder, he withdrew, which the counselor said is what many do.  So, I am going to be okay. I don't have time to wait until he figures out that only doing things for your kids is unfulfilling.  I was a martyr for a while, all was take care of my kid and mother after my LH died. And then I came to some sense that my kid would benefit from seeing me move forward, too, especially if I wanted him to learn to be independent.  My mother wanted me to not be alone, so ...... Not trying to raise a peter pan syndrome child.  Anyway.  Back to online........😑

 

 

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What trying2 said, tybec. And I hope my post didn't come across incorrectly. What I was meaning was that 'if you are angry, I'm angry too' ... not that I'm angry 'at' you. Words matter, as I tell my students all the time and I might have flubbed that one. 

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Tybec - I was sorry to read your post but you know you gave it your all and if he’s not making you and your son a high enough priority then that’s not ok. You should have your say and good for you for stating clearly what you want. He seems to struggle with balance (and I get the frustration in dating a divorced guy who is also not good at balance) and you’ve been  dealing with a lot for a long time (of his issues).  Wishing you all the best of your steps forward. 

Edited by Captains wife
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                                                        UPDATE!!!

I'm leaving here! My sister is so angry with everyone and everything in life that she is so negative and nasty that I can't take it!

She has physically attacked me, constantly verbally attacks me, and then expects me to cook and clean and pay half of everything! UMMM NO!

I walked away from her almost 16 years ago and now within the week it will be for good.

I have tried to talk to her calmly, yet she yells, cusses me out about things that have NOTHING to do with me. I go to my room, then she starts texting my phone until I block her, writes me letters saying how it's all my fault, it's truly bat shit crazy!

I honestly believe she physically attacked me to break my necklace that dh bought me before he died, like she got some kind of sick pleasure out of that!

She then thinks she can then simply say sorry and everything is just ok like nothing happened.

I'm really nervous about driving all by myself but it has to be better than being here.

I'm heading east, to PA. Going to a friends place up in the mountains. 

About 11 hours from here, got to map it out, pack my stuff back in my suv , suck up the courage and go!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers... 😏

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Thanks arneal

I just don't understand my sister, it really saddens me and breaks my heart. I had walked away from her over 15 years ago because she was so negative and nasty. I was there for her when her husband died, sat with her while he was in the hospital for over 6 weeks every day, stayed with her for over a month after, helped her do his funeral. But I had to draw the line when she wanted me to go and hang out in the bars with her and she pick up men! I don't do bars, never have, and me I was married! Then she slept with the one man her husband had asked her NOT to and he was married! I was so disgusted.... He was disgusting, eewwww🤢

But now, we had talked for a few months and I was very clear about her behaviors and what I would and wouldn't put up with when it comes to her temper , etc.

She promised she had gone through counseling, was different, missed how life used to be, I even showed hesitation several times, and now damn I'm mad at myself!

But I want to be forgiving , Christ like, yet I got stomped on and hurt again!

I'm ok, a survivor :)

Sadly she spent 45 minutes screaming some of the worse names one can call another person yesterday, because I didn't wipe out the microwave fast enough for her!

I'm like excuse me, I walk away and she doesn't stop! Now that's crazy.....

She's angry that I'm leaving , yet I've told her that I am for over 2 weeks.

No one should have to live like this, and at my age I won't. It's not good for my health, my life, or my spirit.

My truck is completely packed now, and ready to go.

Thanks for your love and support, I will update you when I get settled :) 

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sudnly, I certainly feel you about the forgiveness issue. Our congregation just wrapped the annual communication and relationship series and as part of it, we read the Five Love Languages. There was a passage in there about forgiveness; it basically covered this very thing. Forgiveness can only occur when the other party is repentant about what they did and how it hurt us. If they aren't able to do that, we can't actually engage in the process of forgiveness; however, releasing them from our lives in prayer and allowing God to work with them is how we move forward. It sounds like that's where you might need to remain with your sister ... and from a distance at that :(

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all -- just checking in. So BF and I will officially be pet-parents next month. We are getting a cat together. Went to see the breeder last month and it was a nice day; it took about an hour and a half or so to get there and it was just nice to be in the car. We talked and looked at the scenery. After spending time with the kitties, we found a place to eat and then drove home. We split the task with me driving down and him driving home. It made me realize how I miss date night in the way it was when we were in two different places. I suggested a movie the other week and that was nice as well. I'm thinking I'll mention that we should do it more often, even if we aren't really doing anything or going anywhere.

 

I finished reading the 5 Love Languages book and one of the things Chapman mentions is that it takes about two years for the euphoric stage of 'in-love' to wear off. After the two years, couples have found their 'rut', meaning the adoration they had for one another where they no longer see through rose-colored glasses wears off. It's not that they've fallen out of love but reality of being together has arrived. It's at this time that people start second-guessing because we are innately expecting to stay in the euphoria. When it starts to disappear, people question whether they're with the right person, if someone better is out there. 

 

Chapman's point was that if we can grow up a bit (lol) and face that there is no perfect person, that the reality we see (she has terrible morning breath, he farts in his sleep; she's not a good cook, he never picks up the crumbs) is not new behavior but is part of who the other person always was. The question becomes, can we face that real person -- the one in the person we have coupled with as well as the one in ourselves?

 

February will mark two years since BF and I have been under the same roof. Time flies. We are definitely in the reality stage of things. 

 

No point here, just thinking through my fingers :)

 

Hoping everyone is well?

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