Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

[trying2breathe]

SW   Between budding and fully committed - three and a half years in and I feel like my relationship is committed but not fully in.   Like some others have posted, I don't want to deal with his kids, exes and baggage.  I like having my own place, and take care of what I need to with little drama.  Feel like I can't take on NG's kids right now.  Whether living apart can last long term, I don't know - he wants the ring, white picket fence, the works.  I'm happy the way things are right now - time will tell.

[Abitlost]

On 6/9/2020 at 5:18 PM, trying2breathe said:

 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Abitlost
Combined with next post

[Abitlost]

On 6/8/2020 at 12:29 PM, Captains wife said:

Similar feelings here...I am with you Sugarbell. There is a small piece of me that Longs for that togetherness I felt when I was married but I’m realistic about my current conditions. 

 

On 6/5/2020 at 7:51 PM, Sugarbell said:

Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage.

 

SW   Between budding and fully committed - three and a half years in and I feel like my relationship is committed but not fully in.   Like some others have posted, I don't want to deal with his kids, exes and baggage.  I like having my own place, and take care of what I need to with little drama.  Feel like I can't take on NG's kids right now.  Whether living apart can last long term, I don't know - he wants the ring, white picket fence, the works.  I'm happy the way things are right now - time will tell.

Yes, yes, yes. I think my NG and I pretty much feel the same way, and so it works well.

Edited June 15, 2020 by Abitlost

[klim]

Hey there....long time no chat... my life continues,but am I committed.??

 

I think I am but also think i am dragging my feet on the formality of it. I basically live with my BF, spend probably 6 nights a week at our house on the farm. And then 1 day a week I go back home to my house) where my sons are living. They are 22 and 24 and during this covid period they have ther GF's locked down with them.  I'm basically letting them live their own lives in our house and I go off and live mine.

 

It's a weird situation and I quite often question myself on whether I'm doing it right. When I was their age I left home and set up an independant life away from my parents. For them I've left  them and now they are forced to be more independant. Similar outcomes but I did it by choice and for them they have little say in the matter. I'm hoping they are all good with the arrangement and don't feel abandoned. 

 

So as far as the committed part I am committed to my relationship but I'm also committed to my kids. I think it might all work but only time will tell, 

[arneal]

Hi, klim -- so good to 'hear' from you and everyone, to know that you all are holding on and hanging in.

 

I just read through this: https://youngwidowedanddating.com/cardboard-chronicles/

Yes, yes, yes, and yes!!!! All. Of. It.

 

On the day to day, things are what they are here. BF's business is going; he's had several very good contracts and the reviews are excellent as well. I've been too busy with work and dealing with pain (I think the ganglion cyst in my arm is pressing a nerve, so I have occasional tingling in my fingers and arm, and pain up into my shoulder. I went today for an ultrasound and am supposed to go to an orthopedist to have it examined and drained in another couple weeks, but in the meantime, I take Tylenol with codeine once a night just to sleep. Sort of. I can't lay on either side and am a preferred side sleeper) to honestly pay a lot of attention to what he's doing or not. I mean, that's sort of what life in the same house is about for grown folks, in my opinion: we aren't in each other's faces 24/7, even if we both work from home offices  I spend much of my day in the front of the house, and he's either in the family room, out back, or in the garage where he has a desk. I bought a screen to block off behind my workspace, so if he wants to root around in the kitchen, everyone on a video call can't see him at it LOL. 

 

We celebrated our four-years-since-first-date a couple weeks ago. Time flies. 

[tybec]

This is long but  a good listen about "blending families".   Made me understand some of the recent comments about doing your own thing separately for  a while. And there still are "blending" challenges with adult children. So, many of us had "first families" that ended due to death.  Add on recoupling with divorced folks or single folks with kids, and there are just all kinds of dynamics.  Anyway.....  

 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-aamft-podcast/id1450828084?i=1000479815056

Edited June 30, 2020 by tybec
grammar

[tybec]

Yes, I am reading up. This may not apply to many of you but maybe some.....

And it still applies in ways with adult children, especially if you don't have adult children who are independent. 

 

Geez, it is A-MAZING for those that work all this out. Just saying. 😉

7 Tips for Parenting, Stepparenting, and Discipline in Stepfamilies

 

1. Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce.
   • Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys.
   • They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are especially hard for young teen girls.
2. Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren.
   • Parents everywhere seem to want more loving and understanding for their children.
3. Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily.
   • Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm:  
     • Loving: Authoritative parents are responsive, warm, and empathic.
     • Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity.
4. Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with kids, parents need to retain the disciplinary role.
   • My guideline for stepparents is, “connection before correction.”
   • This very often takes years, not months!
   • Once stepparents have forged a caring relationship, they can move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role.
   • There are many healthy, thriving stepfamilies where stepparents do not have a disciplinary role.
5. AuthoriTARIAN parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic.
   • Authoritarian parenting is not loving or warm.  It is firm and hard.
   • Authoritarian parenting often uses negative labels (“You’re lazy.” “You’re a slob.”), rather than positive requests (“I’d love it if you’d pick up your toys.”)
6. Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team.
   • Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit.
   • Parents can help stepparents to understand their children.
   • Stepparents have input. 
   • Parents have final say about their own children.
7. Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do.
   • Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively. 
   • They discuss their parenting differences with kindness and caring.
   • Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.

[arneal]

Hey there you all. Thank you so much, tybec!

 

A lot in that list resonates with my experiences from the second marriage. My son was tough at the start but came to love my late husband; my son was four when I started dating him. His daughter was a tween and it was hard. Still is, as I've posted here. Interestingly, she hasn't posted on her dad's memorialized social media for two years. I haven't heard from her since almost a year ago. I still have to send her all the boxes in my garage, but coughing up about $1,000 to get it done hasn't been in budget. However, I am again attempting to do so with the proceeds of one of my upcoming summer classes.

 

BF has adult daughters but as I mentioned I only met one of them. She was quite like him, whether either of them would admit it or not. After my last experiences as a step-parent, in both marriages, I don't want to do it again. With all I've been through with my own son, I wouldn't want to have any more children, even if I was young enough and capable.

[arneal]

I also have been reading. My counselor recommended a book on burnout that is specific for women. The most recent chapters I read were about 'the madwoman in the attic', which were about how we have that part of us that helps bridge between who we are and who we think we are expected to be (I'm paraphrasing). 'She' is the part of us that says and does all the things we'd like to do and say. She is anger, hurt, and all the other things we keep in. I've been thinking about 'her' a lot lately ...

[Captains wife]

Tybec- could you please send this to the guy I’ve been dating? Lol

 

He parents out of divorce guilt with very limited discipline and limited boundaries with ex. It creates a lot of issues in our relationship. He doesn’t want to take my input, to understand my point of view on how his divorce drama makes me feel (although I’m always supporting him/his son through the divorce drama)  or talk about tough topics related to our relationship, parenting. Instead of working as a team, he just does what he wants and my son and I have always been coming last in priority in recent months. We are in the criticizing and avoiding stage unfortunately now as a result. You will likely see me in the dating section soon unfortunately. Just taking some downtime now 😢.hope everyone else is doing well...

Edited June 30, 2020 by Captains wife

[trying2breathe]

tybec  Thanks so much for posting the 7 Tips, can so relate to what is there.  Will listen to the podcast when I get a chance.  Interesting that becoming a stepfamily is more difficult than divorce - hmm .... and interesting also that a trusting relationship with kids can take years - wow!!  

 

arneal   Will you share the title of the book on burnout?  

 

edited to add   Sorry to hear of the struggles, CW.  Sounds like a very frustrating situation to deal with!  

 

Edited June 30, 2020 by trying2breathe

[arneal]

Hey there, trying2: it's called Burnout and the authors are twin sisters, Nagoski and Nagoski. It's got science and entertainment. Really good read!

[tybec]

The pod cast is long.  But so informative. And so helpful to me with all I went through.  The author and expert, Dr. Patricia Papernow, states the divorced children will always have a loss with the new coupling, as the parent turns to the new mate. So the loyalty bind is there. And the divorced parent must respond to the child, but in so, turns away from the new mate. So, the new mate is always feeling rejected and hurt from this. The new mate is an outsider, always, to the previous family which consists of the ex, too.  So, there is so much to deal with. I had so much hurt and would get so upset and now I know why.  I lost my mate and the rejection and always being on the outside was intolerable on top of my loss.  And I can't relate well to the divorce as death is not the same.  So, anger, resentment and hurt grew, and I criticized and avoided/withdrew.😔  It truly is something incredible for families that make it work. Not impossible, but so much on the new mate, especially a stepmother, to manage being the outsider and sucking it up and needing support from the divorced parent who can't always give it right away.  And the divorced parent caught in the middle and feeling a failure to the new mate, but the bond with the children is stronger and is priority.  So, learning about new things to make good choices.   That is my interpretation from the pod cast. 

 

Good luck with all this. Hard stuff.  

[Captains wife]

Thanks Tybec for sharing. I can relate. I do think the difficulty is exacerbated by being a widow. I read a really interesting article in the Guardian a while back (wish I had saved the link) about how blending relationships often fail - esp if only one person is divorced- because the new partner’s needs are continually ignored and as humans we all have needs. Certainly my son too has needs - not just his. The successful blended families are those where the parents can openly talk about difficult issues, and collectively come to some mutually agreeable plans with regards to exes and the children. Of course there has to be compromise (usually moreso by the new partner) but I believe it can’t be all one-sided. I wish everyone the best who are also dealing with this in their post widow relationships. 

[arneal]

So after being widowed the first time, I met my second husband, who was separated. Once we started dating seriously and living together (please forgive me if I told this story), he told me why he hadn't gotten divorced. He wanted his ex to own up to her part in ruining their marriage. I get that, but I was like, so ... it's been about 10 years or more; don't think it's gonna happen. He agreed and paid for the divorce. She signed, the divorce was final, and that's when he and I made our marriage plans official. When his daughter found out that we were making plans, she was happy and somewhere along the line told her mom. The mom called my soon-to-be husband, who she had been separated from for at that point more than 10 years, and asked him something like, oh, you couldn't wait? He was like, are you serious ... why do you even care? It was the silliest thing I'd ever witnessed. Even after that, she would come around and be flirtatious and he would look at her like she was crazy. I would leave the room as I knew it had been over between them and really didn't need to see her shenanigans. But when it came to how his daughter was treated in our home, the ex had no say in it. Did I sacrifice, sure, but no more than I would do for any child ... when she needed a ride to practice during high school and her mom wouldn't take her or go to her games, we did. When her mom realized we were willing to do that, she started doing it. It was truly bizarre. Other than having to sometimes do things that her mom wouldn't do for her, or that she didn't trust her mom to do or just didn't want her involved (like one time when she went to a gathering after prom; she went to stay with a friend after, but things got weird. In the morning she called me, in tears, because they basically put her out of the house. She wasn't hurt or anything but to hear a child crying on the phone like that made my heart hurt. Her dad was working out of state and I think her mom was also working, so she called me).

 

I don't miss those days, even though I certainly don't feel I had it tough with them because my LH stood up for me with all of them -- his daughter, his ex, and his family when the need ever arose. 

[trying2breathe]

It's interesting, arneal, that your LH's daughter felt so comfortable with you, obviously you were a stable relationship in her life.   My daughter said to me the other day that she appreciates that NG never takes a discipline or authoritative role in her life.  He's there and available when asked, but only then.  The bond my kids share with NG is strong, I can only wish to have this kind of relationship someday with his daughters.  Hurtful to be the outsider, for sure.  

 

Once I figured out that blending was no picnic, I pretty much turned away from moving towards committing and co-habitating with him.  The loyalty bind is strong for his daughters with their step mother, NG's second wife.  But there doesn't seem to be a loyalty bind to their bio-mother at all, which I find curious.  Everybody is re-coupled but the stepmother is single, suspect that if she were to re-couple, his daughters wouldn't feel as protective towards her.  

 

I'm not included in any family gatherings when his exes are there, NG says it would be too strange.  I have a close relationship with my in-laws and NG is not included in on that, and if it's up to me they will never meet.   So a division of our lives, kept apart and separate - seems easier this way but yet it's a division.  I realize that NG is an outsider in my continuing relationship with my in-laws.   I think that NG and I have it relatively easy, as our young adult kids are independent and for the most part on their own.   Yet our kids opinions and actions are far reaching and affects us far more than I thought possible. 

 

On 6/30/2020 at 10:55 PM, tybec said:

 The new mate is an outsider, always, to the previous family which consists of the ex, too.  So, there is so much to deal with. I had so much hurt and would get so upset and now I know why.  I lost my mate and the rejection and always being on the outside was intolerable on top of my loss. 

 

            ^Yes!   Hard to say but in a selfish comparative kind of way, in my mind widowhood trumps divorce.  Being widowed, I've experienced enough pain and certainly don't need to sign up for any more.  

Edited July 8, 2020 by trying2breathe
grammar

[arneal]

Happy mid-August all:

 

It's been very quiet here; I hope everyone is staying healthy. For those who aren't co-habitating, how are you and your partners holding on during the time of quarantine? For those of you who are, how are things?

 

Things are as they've been over here. I am grateful that I entered counseling as it gives me someone to bounce things off of generally every two weeks. I'm glad for the virtual connection as well because I wouldn't want her to see me squirming in my seat sometimes! It also allows me to go from room to room if I don't want to be at my work desk. We've talked about past and current things in my life, this pattern of my not wanting to take risks in relationships anymore, but rather than not taking any risks at all what it means to take carefully planned and thought-out risks. 

 

BF has been working, despite the pandemic; people still want things done. He's been more helpful around the house, particularly since I have more work to do -- students are home so they are doing more on their dissertations and master's work. 

 

I'll be going for a surgery in October to remove a lipoma from my left forearm that was causing pain for a while. Between now and then, I pray to lose some weight. I've put on a lot over the past several months and I absolutely hate it. However, I have always hated exercise, even when I was doing it regularly. Now with more joint issues, I can't really so there's that. 

 

I've pretty much walked away from social media. It had me so angry all the time. I also walked away from a couple of groups at church; even though we weren't meeting in person, some things had started before the lock-down. The one small group was more a clique, as several of the women were better acquainted and would come to the group, talking about the parties and things they'd attended the day before -- it's like, hey, we're supposed to be here for each other now ... can you talk about something we all were involved in? And they would have these things and not invite everyone anyway. It was weird. Not to mention the fact that it became more of an adult version of a kid's church school class and I don't need that (okay, let's go around the circle and each person read a part ... ugh! There's no one in this room under the age of 30! Can we read the materials beforehand and discuss them!! Rant over LOL). I wanted to stay in the text message group just to keep up with the ladies and said I might pop in at some point. But then the pandemic shut in-person meetings down and that was that. Haven't really heard from anyone since.

 

The other group was one that I might have mentioned; three of the leaders pulled me into a room and asked me 'if I still lived with my boyfriend', which irked me for several reasons. Firstly, you must have gotten that I lived with my boyfriend either by gossiping or assuming. No one asked me. Had they done so outright, to ask me if I lived with him, I would have said yes. Second, what is this 'still live with' business? I never suggested I wouldn't be. Yes, they are conservative and if that's their thing, okay. But no one asked me about my life. None of them knew I'd been widowed twice. No one ever asked me anything. So when it first happened I was really angry and said to myself I would still go to meetings and volunteer -- I wanted them to see me and see that, despite being not what they wanted, I was still a believer and good servant when called upon. But then the pandemic came. I volunteered to host virtual meetings for the group; the one leader said she'd get back to me. Never did. I left it go until early this month, when I wrote them a letter. I told them a bit of my history and that if I got married again, great, but if I didn't, I was okay with that too. That it was God's job to tell me whether my life was right or wrong but that I respect their stance as well and hope they can respect mine. This leader called me a couple days later. I didn't answer -- after all, I hadn't gotten so much as a text message in like five months. I texted her back the next day, got a response and that was it. 

 

I've gotten tired of being less than an afterthought. For now, I've become a hermit, except for BF and work. I was the one always reaching out first, making the phone call or sending the email or text. Not now. 

 

The best part about that is my creativity has come back. I've been writing, nearly every day. I get rest; even though I tend to work six days a week, that seventh day is usually a pretty good Sabbath  I nap, or take care of the yard, or just do as little as humanly possible. I still watch the weekly talk from church but I look forward to the day I find a congregation that I can really connect to. I've been wanting more and more to move. 

 

Well, that's all the latest here. As you have time, pop in and say hi!

[Julester3]

Since June, we’ve sort of broke sheltering in place from one another and introduced one another to each environment to form like a “familiar reoccurring cluster.” It's working well and it helps we don’t go out unless needed and NG works from home. I go to work and go home, occasionally getting gas, curbside takeout, and groceries but I spread the trips as far as we can tolerate. He’s the same though he got a haircut out of desperation. We’re still suffering with our overgrown hair but we’re all girls so ponytails all the time. 

 

The cohabiting logistics came up again but all he say is he needs to wait 7 years for his youngest to graduate from high school. My youngest is already a junior. I can only shrug. He has to really want the cohabiting and be prepared to make compromises with me. So stalemate continues but I have my own house so I’m not in a rush nor am I going to waste energy on nothing. This pandemic is exhausting enough! I’m all about conserving personal energy. 

[arneal]

Hey, Julester! So good to hear from you. How are your children? Everyone's healthy? I totally hear you about the pandemic being exhausting in and of itself. Never before has self-care seemed so important to me!

[Julester3]

I am being much more reflective and responsive to our needs. Usually I’m like we just need to suck it up but I’m being more mindful to my needs and what my girls need. Not having the freedom to do and go where where you want and being constantly vigilant when you are out in any way is tiring. Honestly, some times the kids just want to drive with me to put gas or get curbside just to get out of the house for a brief moment. Walking around the neighborhood is crazy because every one is out all the time so trying to safely distance is tough so we are wearing masks the entire time we are outside it seems. The summer has been hot too! The dog is actually tired of so many walks! Lol! Good news is we are healthy otherwise and we hope to keep it that way. The school year  started this week and it’s virtual learning. So more stuck at home it seems. 

[trying2breathe]

Yes, happy mid-August.  Seems like it was just March ... ! 🙁  Good to hear updates and that you all are doing okay.  Things have been okay here, my circle stays small and it's worked out fine so far.  DD is back at school, DS moved to the Northwest to begin grad school there - I fear for their health as young people aren't always as careful as they should be.  Staying isolated has been tiring for me, I really miss social interaction and the relationship with NG lately has been suffering because of it.  Cohabitating conversation continues to come up and I'm realizing that my resistance to this it is not just about his non-supportive eldest daughter.   Isolation has been good for introspection - we've had the opportunity to further work on some relationship issues.  

 

Sorry to hear that you've not had support from your church, arneal, and hope that you find connection with one soon.

[arneal]

Hi, trying2! Yes, I agree with you and Jules. It has been a good time for introspection. My mom laughs at me -- our thing is to go and hide in the bathroom and talk in low voices to share our mutual funny stories about BFs. I've tried to find my calm spaces more intentionally, which is always tough when you have other people in your house. Fortunately, BF is a good hermit too and keeps to his corners while I keep to mine during the day, so we don't get in each other's way. 

 

I decided to take a social media hiatus. I pop in to post to a couple of my writing groups that don't hold other spaces, but beyond that, I pretty much have been ignoring the private messages and posts. I've had two people reach out to see if I'm okay, so that says a lot. I saw the one person today when I was watering the lawn; she was on her way to work and stopped at the curb to tell me she was about to come knock on my door to see if I was okay because I hadn't checked her message. I told her that I needed to step away; as an older person (technically ... I'm the only person allowed to call me old! LOL), I really don't need social media. I like to write letters and that sort of thing. I deal with text messages when I have to. I've got more time like I said to write and be creative, to read my devotional texts, and that sort of thing. She totally got it. My other contact was a colleague who lives about an hour from me; I am sure he gets it too, having just retired from academia for the most part. Beyond that, I've had a text message and email from people I usually reach out to regularly; one replied to my response and one didn't. 

 

I have to say that in a way I don't miss the congregation but in other ways I do. I'd really like to pick up stakes and find a nice place near a lake or something. I'd even take a spot that got a little snow now and again, so long as I had a stretch of property and water nearby!

[trying2breathe]

Mid September already, this year has been crazy.   The last six months seem like a blur, hope that everybody reading is healthy and staying safe. 

 

DD at college tested positive with covid, she has minor symptoms and is doing okay thankfully.  DS is in the midst of fires in the Northwest, has a bag packed and is ready to evacuate if needed.  Ad Litem work has been hectic, I've had two weeks of crisis level cases to manage and it's been stressful.   

 

Turmoil with NG continues - mostly from me.  He's great, steady and stable, I just can't seem to get on the same level with him for any length of time.  He talks about buying a house together, I'm okay with it and then I'm not - ugh.  My emotions are all over the place.  Made the mistake of going into his phone - 3 1/2 years with him and I have never done this - to check messages and see what's going on.  He continues communication with his ex-wife, friendly messages and to stay in touch about kids.  Found a message last year where he wished her a happy anniversary, remembered their special beach wedding and said that even though they're not together she will always hold a special place in his heart.  Gulp - should not have gone there.  Sweet message to his ex - not sure how I should feel about it.  This is probably not a good time to make a quick decision about our relationship, I feel so stressed with everything going on.  Trying to keep on keeping on ... sigh 

[arneal]

Hey there, trying2:

 

Praying for safety for all in your span of care. The Northwest fires are especially painful. My auntie in Florida shared that one of her nephews was in that Oregon town that's now gone. They haven't heard from him. I'm not far from the Oak Glen fire (the one started by the gender reveal smoke bomb ... arg!!!) and have a friend who lives up there. No homes were lost but the ecological and environmental loss is bad, considering what may occur if there are steady or heavy rains later.

 

You know, I wonder if it's a guy thing to try and hold onto some of the good from past relationships sometimes. LH had all his wedding photos; I found them again when I was packing all that stuff for his daughter (which is still sitting in my garage ... the idea of spending $1k or so to ship it to someone who doesn't reach out, even in the midst of fires, and who hasn't posted to her dad's memorial page since the year after he died irritates me) and put them in to go to her. I don't need them. He and his ex could talk about good times as a way to not talk about the bad and I got that. She was always more into it than he was though and he never sent any messages like that as far as I know. I also think, because we were married and I knew where he was pretty much all the time, not to mention what sort of a person she really was, it wouldn't matter to me. Like I think I shared, she had told her daughter what sex was like between the two of them; there was a time that his daughter heard he and I and she made a comment about it to me. I was mortified, not that she heard us but that her mom told her anything about intimacies with her dad! 

 

These things are never easy.

 

BF talks about his ex and his kids, but it's never kind. He says she was 'eye candy', a catch according to his friends. He has never described her from his own point of view as being particularly pretty and after three and a half years or so of us being together hasn't ever said anything close to a compliment about her. 

 

I don't really talk much about my past relationships. There's a photo of me, LH, and my son as you go into my hall. There is art from LH all over. It doesn't bother BF or if it does, he hasn't ever mentioned it. He's even played some of LH's instruments that I still have. He sees what's here as mine and that's that ... 

[trying2breathe]

Thank you, arneal.  Stressful time right now, for all of us.  I feel the pressure especially with what my kids are dealing with.  The fires are so horrific, I'm so sad to see what's going on in California and Oregon and hope that you and yours continue to stay safe.  Has your aunt's nephew been in touch?  

 

I'm coming to terms with NG's messages to his ex, it would be nice to get a sweet message like the one he sent from an ex years out from divorce.  He's very sentimental and gets teary eyed sometimes when he talks about his past, and not just about his ex.   The conversation continues on whether to live together, and I'm just not ready.  I want to move but I don't want to get a house together and move in with him - and finally I'm figuring out the reasons why.  One that he is somewhat still emotionally attached to his ex.  I think he has good intentions towards her, but it takes away from our relationship.  He will disagree with me when I point this out to him, and try to spell out that this isn't true - but it is what it is, and there's nothing that I can or want to do about it other than bring awareness to it.  And decide whether it's a breaking point in our relationship.   I trust him and have had no doubts that he's loyal - physically - but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing.  

 

Yuck on sharing intimate details - how inappropriate to share with a daughter!  Most kids don't want any kind of details on what their parents do in the bedroom, I'm surprised that she would have brought something like this up with you.  Will you store those things for her for awhile?  I've been purging a storage unit, and my kids wanted very little.  They're just not into furnishings  and what can be passed down to them, a millennial thing I guess.