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Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
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Ooh, that emotional connection. That's it right there. Your comment captures it so well: but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing.

 

I often wonder if some people just can't see themselves within their situation. Your NG disagrees with you about his emotional connection, but gets sentimental talking about the past, as if tears when we remember aren't a signal of emotional attachment. Or is it just plain denial, that some don't want to admit what's right there. Either way, I think you are in a good, protective space, to be slow in considering moving into the same space together. Until he can see his situation for what it is and how it looks to others, it would be hard to deal with that when under the same roof.

 

Right? Yuck indeed! LH's daughter had few filters. Her mom didn't either. I think her mom wanted a sister-friend more than a daughter. They talked about dating and intimacy in ways I wouldn't with anyone. I don't even talk about any of that with my mom and I'm an old, only child! As far as her dad's things go, she wanted some of his instruments, which are hard to ship; they are heavy and awkward to package. I have everything boxed. The rest are things like the photos, some of her dad's artwork, his horse-riding chaps, her grandmother's dishes, and all her crap that she left here a decade ago when she came to visit. I'm not throwing it away; it's hers. She likely doesn't remember what she left, but she needs to take responsibility for it. If she wants to throw it away, so be it. Let her do it in her mom's garbage; I think she still lives there. I haven't heard from her since early last year or so when she called to ask me if I would send the instruments. Her mom works for the post office and she said she would help, but unless you are willing to do a pay-on-receipt or send me $$$, there's nothing for you to do. I plan to get it all sent and mail her a letter to tell her what's coming (generally) and when it should get there. If they've moved or anything, it's on them to figure out. She's now in her mid-30's. If her mom, who's in her later 50's is still willing to live like they are both in their 20's, it's their thing ... sigh.

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That's a tough one, arneal - to continue to store LH's belongings not having a plan on how to pass them along.  Maybe give his daughter a date to collect his things, if she doesn't do this let her know you will sell what you can and send her a check?   I'm all about purging right now - 7 years out and FINALLY got rid of a storage unit full of my married household furnishings with DH.  It feels so good to pass these things along, and at last I'm in a good place emotionally to manage this now.   I found an estate sale person and she's managing it, there may be somebody near you like this that can do something like this for you? 

 

Yeah - the emotional connection, I can't think of a hard definition of what this is but I just know that he's still connected to his ex.   It's interesting and I'm kind of amazed that somehow I've managed to move forward from my late husband.  I will love DH forever, it was a great relationship that sadly came to a sudden end and I'll forever think of him with loving memories.  But I no longer dwell on what was, what could have been, our future together.   I remember our anniversaries, his birthday, but have come to accept that he's no longer here.  I no longer actively grieve, and it feels good to say this.   I think NG still grieves the relationship with his ex-wife.   They had an unresolved situation that he still wonders about, it must be a tough thing to continue to deal with for him.  Sigh ... glad to figure some of this out and I appreciate your response on this.   

 

Hope you continue to stay well, news on fires from California is getting a little better I think?  

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Hi, trying2:

 

Your description of moving forward after sudden loss is so spot-on. As we've shared in the various posts here, having someone die is so very different than divorce because there can be no attempt to get at truths or mysteries. We can't stiff upper lip a conversation with a deceased partner like they can with an ex they divorced and no longer like. If we have unresolved issues, we've got to work them out in therapy, through prayer or meditation, blocking them out, negative self-care, or just moving on. I don't get how some people have that emotional tether for so long ... LH's wife was like that. She was really horrid to him during their marriage and after, but she acted like she wanted him back, particularly when he got with someone else. When she saw I wasn't going anywhere and we were making a married life together (he had just dated here and there before), she let it be for the most part. However, there would be times that she'd show up and act kind of flirty. He looked at her like she was crazy ... it was pretty funny to me that she seemed so out of sorts that she couldn't rattle me with that crap. And she's a few years older than me by age, which is why I think she saw me in the same sort of light as she saw herself, expecting similar reactions. However, she knows nothing about me really, to get my mindset and worldview.

 

The instruments are basically the only legacy LH's daughter has. His instruments should be hers. She wants them, which is great. I gave the older set to our former church, where LH was an elder. I have no problem with her having them. I don't feel right about throwing away her things; they are hers and she should have to deal with them.  She lives on the east coast, so having her collect the items isn't going to happen; I'm not inviting her to come and get them, that's for sure. It doesn't bother me to have LH's things, it's his daughter's continued disrespect for all spaces. She has always felt entitled to be in her mother's house because she can't afford to live on her own (although I did pop into one of her social media pages and it seems she's thinking about getting her own place, which I hope is because she's finally landed stable employment) ... I might have shared it a while back, but one time when she was here she was fussing about her mom wanting her to give some $ toward the mortgage; when I said that was reasonable, she said 1) she doesn't work that many hours (and may have been in school at the time ... can't remember now), 2) she puts food in the house that her mom sometimes wastes (which was interesting to hear from her for how much stuff I watched her waste over the years). She just about blew a gasket when I said that's well and fine but neither of those things pays a mortgage, water bill, light bill, or keeps the internet on. She proceeded to say that her mom had help from her parents, so it didn't matter. When she came here in 2010, she got upset because we wouldn't let her drive either of our vehicles ... she had no job, no car insurance, a driver's license from back east, and couldn't be added to our car insurance because she had too many points on her license. But her dad and I were the bad guys. Granted, that was a decade ago, but the burns are still there. Even when she came out here for that week or so after her dad died, she went out with some dude she knew(?) who lived in L.A. He came and picked her up after texting her to say he was at the curb; it was like 10pm or so. She didn't even lock my front door. I have never lived in a place where I didn't lock doors, even though I'm in the sticks here! Something said to me about an hour after she left to get up and check ... sure enough, the big door and the screen door were both unlocked. I have big dogs but still! She didn't come home until the next day and rang the bell to be let in like it was nothing. The fact that I haven't heard from her in about a year now is also telling; that last call was to ask me for the instruments like I said. 

 

I am expecting a couple of unexpected earnings (one for something at one of my jobs and another from a speaking engagement), so I think I'm going to put most of it toward sending these boxes. It will be cathartic for me, a true closing of the chapter in a way. 

 

I don't know if things are settling with the fires as I've basically given up watching news. It's all so horrible, everywhere. I talk to my colleagues from around the state and everyone says the same thing -- it's smoky, they aren't going outside. My friend who has a home in Oak Glen (El Dorado Fire? The one started by the gender reveal smoke bomb) sent video of the area; it was about 54% contained in her last update, one structure lost (near the visitor center) but no homes. Mud slide season could be something else. She's been evacuated twice. Fortunately she has friends to stay with closer to L.A. She is a widow as well; the home in Oak Glen was her husband's and she's not that attached to it. It's absolutely lovely, as is the artwork and furnishings. She was thinking about putting it on the market a year or so ago to move into something smaller. Not sure if she changed her mind as we haven't had time to talk about it.

 

It did make me think about attachments though. I wonder what I would want to save if fire came close enough here ... I think about photo albums of my son and my parents and grandparents, a few sentimental things, my work computer and a few other tech items, and food for the animals. I'd miss the rest, but in the end, it really doesn't matter if we're all safe. Sigh.

 

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arneal  It's good of you to take care of your late husband's belongings and plan to ship them to his daughter.  Even with her sense of entitlement and general disrespect towards you.  It sounds like there are valued treasures in those belongings, and I imagine it feels good to take care of where he would want those treasures to go.  I'm finishing up the purge of my married household, and there's still some things to move along.   The kids don't want much at all, DD has a few of his t-shirts that she wears, DS didn't want anything at all.  I'm sad that DS has refused everything, including his mountain bike that he would ride on cycling trips with his Dad.   DH died while biking, and my son hasn't been a bicycle since.  My son was an avid cyclist, and I hope that someday he's able to get back into it.   With the pandemic, I dusted off my old bicycle and started riding more - emotional for me to get into it but it's been a good thing.  

 

NG - sigh.  We've had some hard conversations lately that haven't gone well at all.  Because we were getting nowhere, I told him that moving in together wouldn't happen right now, I needed to put it off for awhile.  The thing is - I want to move, want a yard for my dog and to get out of high HOA fees.  I don't know whether to move forward without him, or wait for him.  Or maybe give it a little more time ... ?    I need a peaceful relationship without strife, a soft place to land.  This isn't us right now.  I'm so sad.  Not ready to throw it away after almost 4 years, but I'm getting closer to making a hard decision about what's right for both of us.  I'm lucky that his exes aren't manipulative, we have that going for us at least. 

 

My son doesn't share much with me about the fires, as he thinks I worry too much - but he says that the smoke is clearing and he's able to get out more.  He starts grad school studying forest ecosystems,  timely as there's a lot for him to study with all that's going on right now.   Those gender reveals need to be outlawed - ! 

 

I escaped a Cat 4 hurricane once - took photo albums and my dog and didn't look back.  No regrets! 

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Hi trying2.  I haven't been on in awhile so I went back a little to catch up on the posts here.  The statement that bothered me the most is your comment about how it would be nice if you'd get a sweet text like the one he sent his ex. That is just heartbreaking.  The kind of treatment and expressions of love that you're craving, he's giving to someone else.  Not you.  Not his girlfriend.  Not the woman he's asking to move in together with....but his ex.  Please continue to follow your instincts and listen to that gnawing feeling in your gut.  Someone that loves you should be whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and not texting them to his ex. 

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SW   Thanks for your comment, and hope that you and yours are doing well.  

 

On 9/29/2020 at 1:50 PM, StillWidowed said:

 Please continue to follow your instincts and listen to that gnawing feeling in your gut.  

 

^^ Yes, that feeling is sometimes there.   It's my harsh reality that this relationship is lacking right now.  He usually does say sweet things to me, but lately that hasn't been the case.   We've had some hard conversations this past week, and I still hang in there with him.   I let him know that I'm moving forward in looking for a new place, and will move whether we're together or not.  I won't put my life on hold to wait and see what happens with him, am working on being in a better mental state and not let this relationship drag me down.  There's so much to be depressed about these days, and it's getting to me.  It's kind of like the feeling where there's so much going on right now that a quick decision shouldn't be made.  Not like widow grief, but a general sadness of all that's happening right now.  Sigh ... a gray cloud is overhead, I hope better days are coming soon.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, all:

 

Not sure if anyone here knows any of the admin's who are supposed to be monitoring the website, but I have been trying to contact someone since the end of September and haven't gotten any answers. Emailed three different people listed before I noticed that at least two of them hadn't been active in several months. 

 

If you all know who I might reach out to, I'd really appreciate it! I wanted some information about making a specific thread, so general site related.

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  • 2 months later...

I was having a hard time getting on to the website. I kept getting a message about the website having compromised security and was unstable so my laptop and iPhone couldn't log in. I am surprised I was able to get in today! I miss coming in and checking in regularly. I'm not actively grieving but I get teary sometimes when a memory hits me. 

 

I hope you all had a good Christmas and are doing okay. I'm simply tired. This pandemic is exhausting. I am hoping 2021 will improve. I had a talk with NG and he knows he wants a future with me but needs to figure things with the ex and his kids. I see him once a week. We have cross mingled our households during the pandemic. NG and ex have shared custody so the kids move back and forth constantly so they live like 10 minutes from one another. She got a job promotion about an hour away west from where they live. I live a 35 minute drive east of them. I work 40 minutes closer to the Wisconsin border. I'm staying put where I am and I remain constant. I'm not ready to move. I love my house. My daughters are still in high school and trade school here. Maintaining status quo here, I guess. 

 

Have a peaceful New Year!

 

 

 

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Glad that you got in, Julester.  I was getting the same message, maybe why it's so quiet here.   Our new chapters may look entirely different than what we expect, an adjustment but not a bad thing I think.  After getting back into dating, I naively thought that I would move from a two parent two kid household to a Brady Bunch kind of a situation.  Why did I think that?!  hahahaha  

 

Tired here too, really hoping 2021 brings some relief to what we're all dealing with.  

 

It's been a melancholy holiday, low key and quiet Christmas with my elderly mom here for part of the day, newly divorced brother, daughter and NG.  Focused on food and being together, a good thing.  Blending with NG's family was not an issue this year, his eldest daughter was here for a week and using Covid as an excuse (she arrived and said she had  been recently exposed) I chose to not see her at all.  It was so good to not have the drama and angst this holiday.  

 

NG and I recently had a rare evening out, I struck up a conversation with a friend of a friend.  The friend asked about NG, how long married, etc.  Told her we were together almost 4 years, not living together, no plans to marry but committed.   She was surprised and interestingly said that this was the ideal situation.  Seems that her 25 year marriage was not great and she would love to have what I do.  Makes me go hmmm ... 

 

Best wishes for a blessed and Happy New Year.  

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Hello everyone! I guess the site had some issues for sure as I was trying to get in touch with admin's and had no luck. I guess they don't come in here much either. 

 

The holiday has been quiet in our house also; I had a minor surgery to remove a lipoma from my left arm that was an impetus for me not to do as much work online over this time as I usually would. I've been binge watching tv more than anything. I just hopped on here for a work meeting and am getting some things done in prep for the new terms. 

 

BF has been in his own head a lot as the holidays tend to be tough for him. I just let him be as I can't change that. I started counseling (online, via an app, thanks to my insurance) last year and because of schedule and holiday won't see the counselor again until 8 January; I decided I needed general support to make sure I wasn't seeing the world peculiarly. It's good and I usually meet with her once every couple weeks. 

 

I'm planning for 2021 to be a time where BF will have to step up his game. He depends on me a lot, I suppose because this is my house. I don't depend on him to do things. Either I do them, pay to get them done, or they don't happen. I found a service that will come and clean the dog poop up in the yard; I was doing it but it was tough with the lipoma and besides it's not something I want to do, frankly. And with two dogs as large as these two, it's a hassle. The day I told BF they were coming, he says that I could have told him and he'd do it ... I'm thinking, the poop has been there but you don't get it up, unless it's in the way of work you need to do in the yard. The cat has been a bit under the weather as well, which translates to loose stool in his outdoor enclosure. I refuse to clean it up. His hair is matted in certain places and BF mentions how bad it is. I guess that's his attempt to get me to take care of it, but I have enough to do. I do care for the cat but I can't do everything and shouldn't have to. 

 

Part of the plan is to have the 'love language' conversation -- my primary is acts of service so for me, it isn't enough to talk about things. It's about doing things. LH used to say 'the 'was-gonnas', as in 'I was gonna do that'. We had an interesting talk about a month ago where I asked him what I could do better; he said he couldn't think of anything and does his best not to find fault anyway because (paraphrasing his words) he has enough faults of his own that he's working on to look for them in me. He said he worries that I'll get tired of his faults. I found it interesting that he didn't ask me the same question in return, but I guess that's how it goes when you look at yourself and tend to see the negative. 

 

Should be an interesting conversation ...

 

Anyway, wishing you all a wonderful and blessed new year -- do keep in touch, now that we can get in here again!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Yeah that's much too passive for me. If you see something that needs doing, please just do it! LH though was partially ADD so it was a simple matter of asking if he didn't notice or reminding him. NG is always twitching for a project. I let him install shelves for me and I let him assemble anything I need assembling. He put my treadmill together on Christmas Eve. LOL. 

 

I have a poop service for the dog and a landscaping service. I just can't do it all anymore so I get it! I hope you are healing well, Arneal!

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Hi, Julester! Fortunately, there's not much yard that needs doing except for the poop service in the back; my dog before these two ate the irrigation back there as a pup so it's all dirt LOL. BF has taken some ownership of the front yard to make it all natural cover; there are some interesting things that grow out there -- I'm no green thumb so I can't say, but there's not much just grass! He's replanted some of the things that look like cat-tails to start giving the yard a border and has done a few other things. The winds were super high here for the past few days; we lost part of the fence in the back and once it had settled, he got right out there and put it back up. It's ugly but at least we don't have to put the dogs on leashes to let them out. He mentioned this morning that one of the home repair places around here sells fencing in sections; I told him that's out of my toolbox of know-how, so I leave it to him to work out. 

 

I need this year to be one that brings me joy. I've started a new job in hopes of putting away a bit of money and slowly divesting myself of duties at my current job. I would like to stay connected in some way to keep the funds flowing and to hopefully get my retirement savings back to a reasonable place. I have some health things I want to take care of for myself. I bought a new tablet computer once the job was confirmed and I've gotten a few pieces of new clothing. 

 

I realized during my time off around the holidays that BF and I just have very different ideas about what housekeeping is. Like you mention, Julester, I'm wondering if some of his thing is ADD related; there are days when he reminds me of Doug from the movie, Up: 'squirrel!' He can get so distracted that it's certainly a not noticing thing. Partly it's also coupled with procrastination ... Sigh. 

 

Anyway, I have healed well, thank you. No cancer or anything like that, so now, onward into better health. I think I am dealing with GERD or something; hoping it's not anything more than that. Am going to work on making some dietary changes over the next few weeks and have some omeprazole on order; I can take that for 14 days in a row to calm down all the acid I seem to be producing, which will be a good overlap with making and incorporating different food choices. BF struggles with the idea of me making more than one thing to eat, but that's what's going to have to be. It's likely he won't always like what I'm going to make for myself :-)

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  • 3 weeks later...

LH was diagnosed as ADD, so I can relate to the frustration of trying to get things done around the house.  He'd start something and half finish it.  lol  I remember him never being able to hit the hamper with his dirty clothes.  What I'd give to have him here and struggle with this now.   NG is very hands on and gets things done that I don't even realize need doing.  "Twitching for a project" - love that julester!   NG is more concerned about the physical stuff rather than our emotional well being - I'm trying to come to terms with this and see if I can continue on with my meat & taters guy.  If we're provisioned, house is tidy and laundry is done, all is good in his world.  I need more ...  

 

Best with your new job, arneal - and hope that you're feeling okay and the new diet goes well.  

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Hey, trying2! So good to see you. Happy 2021! The change in eating habits is fine for me. I guess I'm becoming more flexible with such things in my old age LOL. BF struggles a bit since I don't really want to eat some of the things he does. He's not one to really take over the kitchen in full (as in identify the meal, go to the freezer and get the fixings, make it, clean up) so this is weird for him. I' make strange combinations of foods anyway to him so what I'm doing now with these other foods and such fascinates him more than makes him want some. Oh, well. Like you say, we're provisioned so there's always something to eat!

 

I'm grateful for my counseling sessions every two weeks. The house is small so now that I'm going to be talking more about my relationship with BF here and there, I plan to go out to the car. If I'm in the bedroom with the door closed, I can't be sure he won't come in to use the bathroom, which is a way I think to hear what I'm talking about. I am usually walking around or in my office area when I talk with her because I don't care if he hears me talking about work or faith community. On this area, as I work out what's in my head, I don't want him to hear. However, I've seen changes, like he cleaned the other bathroom this weekend; I was on my way in there because I just couldn't stand it -- I don't use it (never have since I've owned the house, except for a handful of times) but he does and it's the cat's bathroom (the litterbox is in there and the cat sleeps in there). I went, armed with cleaning products, and when I opened the door found it had been handled. He's paying attention more to what he says and how he says it. Not that he's been negative toward me, but I tend to not focus on all the bad in the world. I work all day so I don't have time for that. He can be a doom and gloom person and has been reigning that in. I'm grateful and get that we all have to work out our own stuff.

 

I pray to not keep two jobs for too long if possible. I say that now but when I start seeing the paychecks I might change my mind LOL!!!! This year, my prayer is to handle things I've left go for too long around the house. I have a guy coming to hang a new door on the side of the garage; the one that's there is the original from when the place was built (years before I bought it) and it leaked like a sieve. I mean you can see light all around it, the cracks are big enough for creatures to come in (I keep sticky traps by it and there are all sorts of lizards and bugs stuck to them; I'm grateful the rats haven't come back!); the frame is rotted and the door is waterlogged, even though we're in the desert. BF will go on Friday morning to get the door and supplies and the guy will come and install that afternoon. We need to start replacing the fence, so depending on what things look like the last weekend of the month, I might put BF on getting that going. I want to get a new water heater; BF thinks he can replace it but I'm looking to hire a plumber. And after all these years, I have an actual plan to get LH's stuff to his daughter. I'm irritated that the shipping place hasn't contacted me back with the quote like they said, but the ballpark number the guy gave me when I went there (it's one of those places where you can ship things, return items from Amazon, get your taxes done, or send a fax) was much more reasonable than I thought it might be. Again, depending on what the paycheck looks like this weekend, I already told BF I would like him to trail me over there with some of the boxes in his truck so it can all go in one trip. I might also get the gutters done all the way round the place, even though BF was like 'oh, we can do that' -- I'm like, 'if I wanted to get up on a ladder, I would have' (totally didn't say that but sure thought it). I find my words go a long way when I tell him 'hey, such and such repair person is coming on this date'; he'll sometimes say 'I thought I was doing that'. I just look at him, letting it sink in how long ago it might have been that we had the conversation.

 

As more people are suffering health challenges, I think more and more about my own mortality. I found a place that does what is basically natural burial; they allow the body to break down and turn to soil, then use it in a nature preserve. I signed up for more info and once I get a couple of those projects out of the way I plan to get on their list. I wanted to be cremated and have the ashes spread in both oceans, but that would be expensive (shipping part of the ashes back east and having someone do it; I have an old school mate who's dad runs a funeral home -- I think I sent them a message through their website once to ask how much it might cost but never got an answer). Not to mention, and I never thought about this, the carbon emissions from cremation are tremendous. I like the idea of helping nourish a forest into eternity ...

 

Oh well, enough of my going on. Hoping everyone is doing okay out there. Hugs!

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Hi everyone, long time no hear from me!  Life has been hectic. I've moved 4 times since I was last on here, I doonnn'ttt ever want to move again!!! I've been with someone new now for 6 months, but don't know if I can tolerate some of his behaviors.  The 10th was 14 years since dh died, and we don't ever get over it or forget, do we? That also marked my grandson's 14th birthday. I still remember feeling like I was handed the circle of life on that day, and now I know I've spent all these years making it ok for my daughter who had her child that day and not healing perhaps as good as I "should" have. 

My kids are older and so am I , but they have shut me out of their lives . I think because I remind them to much of the day they lost their dad. No matter , life has been extremely difficult and lonely.

Anyway wanted to say hi, missed all of you, and hope everyone is ok during this pandemic.

Much love,

Sudnly

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  • 3 weeks later...

sudnly   Good to hear from you, sounds like your plate has been full and I hear you on figuring out whether to continue on with somebody.  No we don't forget our beloved and those anniversaries, although for me time has most definitely softened the grief.  

 

I'm updating personal legal affairs - will, medical directive, power of attorney ... and what's interesting is that I'm not putting NG into any of it other than giving him rights to visit me in the hospital.  Has anybody else dealt with this kind of thing?  He's feeling left out and that we're not in a relationship for the long haul.  How do others in committed relationships set these kinds of things up?  I feel that if I'm not married to him, why give him legal rights over medical and financial decisions?   

 

Hope everybody is doing alright - my community is getting a little less restrictive, we continue taking precautions and hope for the best.  

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Hi, all! Never a dull moment these days, is it. So good to hear from you, sudnly and trying2!

 

My fence looks like the running of the bulls in Pamplona was relocated to my street. The winds have been so treacherous that the posts snapped at the ground in a couple places. I'm having a devil of a time even getting quotes to replace it. I had one company indicate they'd come yesterday but they ghosted. I have Home Depot and I think Lowes next week, plus contact forms out to a couple other fence companies. I am up front to tell them I'm taking estimates because homeowners will cover. I also send what we want, which may scare some folks. It cracks me up in a way because these outfits post photos of all this amazing work they've done -- big jobs, large homes -- some of which is in line with my sized property. Yet, they don't reply. So, BF has rigged chicken wire as a deterrent for the coyotes (even though they can jump 8ft fence, it is still a deterrent generally and for nosy people too). However, we have to take the dogs out on leashes and my girl is just ... dumb. The yard looks 'different' so she doesn't want to go. I have to keep her in a room all night or she sneaks and goes in the house after a couple days because she just can't hold it anymore. Silly thing.

 

To your question, trying2. I've got my will in place and so on. I'm giving insurance proceeds to my son, splitting other monies like pension, and leaving real property to BF. He's my emergency contact. I am his. I am not against marriage and if it ever comes up, I'd do it again. But we are committed; it's been five years this spring since our first date (I can't believe that!) and February this year marked three years under the same roof. I don't have anyone else. If we go south, I'll change it ... become that lady who leaves everything to the church and her other philanthropic endeavors. My son has to live in supported environment and would therefore not benefit from the house. He's my only. I have no siblings. I don't know my cousins or their children like that. My friend base is about my age or older. I know everyone is different about those things but in the end, I don't care anymore what happens to all this stuff. I found a place that avoids carbon emissions from cremation and turns the body back to soil. They are located in Washington State; if family wants the soil, they can take it or have it sent. They can also get I think it's a gallon as a symbolic thing. Otherwise, it's put in a nature preserve. They are looking to open one of these places in California as well, which would cut down on my shipping costs. Once I take care of a couple of other repairs on my house list, I'm going to sign up. I love the idea of truly going back to the earth :)

 

Well, that's the latest here. Hoping everyone is well! I'm enjoying the quiet and staying inside, except to sit out in the sun when it's warm enough. I'm sure I'll soon be irritated by the heat LOL!

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Trying,

 

I’m keeping my stuff the way it is. We don’t know where or when if anything will progress beyond being simply committed but living separate lives. I’m leaving my will, my property, the POA, all as is. I’ve given thought how I’d alter it if we decide to cohabitate or even get married but I don’t see a goal so I plan to keep things as they are. I did find the thread someone revived here about pre-nups interesting. Something I would have to think about if we go in that direction because I know my aggressive investments puts me well above him. I feel that money is for the girls benefit since much of it came from LH. I just invested as much as I could. 
 

Good to hear from you, Sudnly. That was a lot of moving! 
 

I had fence issues after bad winds, arneal. I just had to bite the bullet to replace it. Dog is hard to walk and she was an escape artist so even if you supervised, she’d bolt. 

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Thanks for the info on what you both are doing.  My brother lives close and we get along, so I'm putting him on my legal documents and I'm on his.  I feel like it's easier this way.  What I'm learning is to give NG HIPAA rights, in case something should happen to me.  

 

I want to share what NG's sister went through with her committed partner,  in case it helps anybody here.  I'm not an attorney, and maybe state laws differ in this situation.  This happened in Florida - NG's sister lived with her SO for 7 years in a committed relationship but they did not marry.  He got sick and was hospitalized, and sadly several months later passed away. She did not have any rights as his domestic partner to see him in the hospital, have decisions on his health care or participate in his end of life in any way.  The family either did not recognize or maybe did not like her - regardless she was cut out of everything both from a medical perspective and financially.  So sad - who knows what her SO's choice on this would have been, but I can only imagine that he probably would have wanted her by his side.  I think it's good to have the conversation ahead of time and put legal affairs in order to protect ourselves.  

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Thanks for the perspective. I think 7 years commitment is a relationship worth considering these things especially if they were cohabiting. I would at this point in our relationship give HIPAA rights as well but not other powers. I reserve the right to entrust that where I have placed it. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Trying, I think I remember on the old board, someone had lived with her boyfriend for years. He died, and his family insisted he be buried hundreds of miles away, in a part of the country he was never happy in. She had no say in the matter.

 

Common law marriage is not at all common. Wills, advance directives and powers of attorney are worth looking into.

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