Jump to content

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...


arneal
 Share

Recommended Posts

Happy Tuesday all! I had to pop in and share this because only those of you here would understand ...

 

I have a neighbor who is so anti-relationship most of the time it's enough to drive you batty. From what I gather (and I don't ask because I am sure it would just fuel the behavior), things were not the greatest between her and her ex. There have been a few opportunities for her to date but she won't go for them for various reasons. The last time she mentioned being asked out, she said the guy wanted her to come to his place because (his words) it would be good for her to get out of her own house since she rarely went anywhere. She refused, saying to me that he's inviting her because 'he only wants one thing'. 

 

She used to crack jokes when BF would stay the weekend. Anyway, when he moved in, it was obvious she wanted to ask a bunch of questions. I was waiting for the day she would invite herself down :) A couple weeks ago, he changed jobs so the big work vehicle that had been in the driveway had to go back. I kept parking in the usual spot but he would pull the car into the center of the driveway so I started doing it too. Earlier today, she sent me a text, asking if I was okay because she noticed he wasn't here anymore. I just about spit the water I was drinking across the room, thinking she wasn't paying too close attention since his non-work vehicle was outside the garage for like two days. I replied that he was here but had returned the work truck a couple weeks ago since he switched jobs.

 

Her reply was that she was glad all was well 😆 Yep, it is.

Edited by arneal
Link to comment
Share on other sites

arneal   Gotta love those nosy neighbors!   There's one older man in my neighborhood that pokes into my business now and then asking about NG's truck in the driveway.  It's pretty annoying!  I think that he asks out of concern, believes that he's looking out for the "lonely widow".  I want to tell him to mind his own business and go away 😠 think instead I'll go with "all is well"!  

 

Transition time - NG is thinking of taking on a new job, a position better suited to his training and that he finds fulfilling.  I've witnessed this position unfold for him, excited for him and have been supportive -  initially he said that he didn't think he could do it and I encouraged him to pursue it.   He's working the numbers with the company and hopes to get an offer that he can accept.  His ex is a Human Resources professional, and he let me know that he plans to call her to go through the financial aspect of his contract to figure out what he needs.  I'm uneasy about him reaching out to her, no doubt she'll provide him with the information that he needs - so, why do I feel so uneasy about this?  They parted amicably, get together during holidays for the sake of the kids (her step-kids), he had to learn to fall out of love with her when they divorced. I wouldn't think of telling him not to reach out to her.  Most divorced people I know make a point of staying away from their exes - not my NG.  Jealousy (?) isn't usually something that I feel - any thoughts on how I should deal with this?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

53 minutes ago, trying2breathe said:

Most divorced people I know make a point of staying away from their exes - not my NG.  Jealousy (?) isn't usually something that I feel - any thoughts on how I should deal with this?

 

I do not have any thoughts on how to deal with it just an observation. My late wife's mother and step-mother actually became friends. Her parents got divorced with she was 8 and her father remarried when she was in her late twenties. So there were a few years between those events. Having her mother, step-mother and father all be friends made family holidays and other events much more comfortable for everyone involved. Both in scheduling and in execution. 

 

When we first married. I had no experience with divorced parents. She invited both of them to some holiday we were hosting, I remember asking her "won't that be uncomfortable for them?" Her response was, "That is their problem not mine, they divorced each other, not me." 

 

Maybe your guy being comfortable with his ex can be seen as a benefit. It helps foster peace in the extended family.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, trying2breathe said:

  Most divorced people I know make a point of staying away from their exes - not my NG.  Jealousy (?) isn't usually something that I feel - any thoughts on how I should deal with this?

 

I think in your case this is really a good thing.  It sounds like all involved want to be grown up about the past relationships and to promote family calmness.  

 

My family has done similar things. My kids with late wife even refer to my former wife as "Aunt N.".

 

Honestly, this is a wonderful opportunity for your families. :)

 

Good luck. Mike

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

trying2 -- must be that season of transition. BF is also routing offers. I am glad for him since the last job was so stressful.

 

Ah, the connection to former family thing. I severed all ties with the first husband's kids (he'd never married their moms -- three kids, three moms. Yeah. I was young and very stupid). It was abusive and I didn't want to find myself in a position to tell them what I'd been through since he was different to them than he was to me. His family didn't connect with me, except for one cousin, who had died before he did. My LH was divorced and his ex didn't really see eye to eye with him or me; after he died, she tried to be a human being for a while. I think it was genuine. I don't communicate with them pretty much at all now (if you've read some of my previous posts about LHs daughter, not trying to encourage her to come to my house, especially now since BF lives here). In their case, LH and ex shared a child so they had to communicate about things. Knowing there was nothing between them made it easy not to care if he talked to her or if she came to our house. I had a moment when we were first together that she tried to act like she was interested in being with him again (that was weird. for her lol) but knowing who she was and from his descriptions of her actions, it didn't do anything for me. LH had friends who were people he'd dated in the past; interestingly, the one woman was the head of probation and we both talked with and emailed her when his ex got stupid behind child support.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OOh, jealousy,  is so strange, isn't it, T2B?  

 

I understand. My NG has a former GF from after his wife first left. She was divorcing, too, from her spouse leaving. They were both very vulnerable and shared common pain.  He dated her 18 months.  He used her for his emotional support even up to when we started dating. I didn't know it. Not my business, honestly.  Well about our 6th date or so, he tells me he told her he couldn't be her confidant anymore.  I had guessed she called him on one of Sat.  date night that was an important date for us in our growing relationship.  I was right.  He didn't need to tell me, but he did, being transparent.  Well, she is still his FB friend, and she has to comment always when he posts something about his mother.  I asked if she and his mom were close and he says "no."  It has been 4 years now. It is weird and gets me just a little. I have no ex..  Just my LH.  I have learned to not show my jealousy, deal with it privately as he truly has no emotional tie to her.  I do wonder why she rears her head now and again.  He left her to move to be with his boys.  She would not follow as her family/children are in the state she resides. It is over.  

 

But YOUR situation is more complicated . I hear you and understand. I appreciate the others' comments. Very mature.  But green is green sometimes.👽  Good luck managing it. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the comments, appreciate them all.   NG continues to show that he cares for me and our growing relationship so I'm pretty sure (?) that he no longer has romantic feelings for her.  But yeah -  it's weird and is getting to me.  Jealousy is usually not part of my nature - as things progress in our relationship it's more difficult to manage.  He's transparent with me, telling me when they communicate and why.  And out of necessity it seems and nothing more.  I've let him know that I appreciate that he gets along with his two exes, that it's admirable that there's no drama and they positively engage in the lives of their children.  It would be nice to know that it would be possible to blend and coexist with his exes.  Whether we will ever meet, I don't know.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey all!

 

Weekend without NG. He has his kids.  I think he is trying to spend all time with them and not with us as he does not want it brought to court they are always with dad and his GIRLFRIEND.  

I drug my teen to a free summer concert Friday. He was good once he got there and there were fireworks at a minor league baseball game right beside us. It was a nice night.  He is in band and learning music, and I am proud to say, some classic rock and roll, funk, all kinds of genres which makes me smile. His dad was a Classic rock DJ a brief time and music lover you couldn't put in a box. I hope our son finds this love of music, too. 

 

Went out with a girlfriend from middle school days as we landed in the same town after 30 yrs.  Nice night. She knew my husband before he moved to our little town, so we have this weird connection though our adult paths were significantly different.  Interesting we connect!  So, no talking to NG in two days.  

 

He text his next court hearing is in FEB. He is angry, frustrated, I am sure. I am trying to figure out how to maneuver. He has no money from court/attorney fees. He spends every waking moment planning for his case, reading, and every moment with his kids if they are  not with him. Doctors, school events, practice for sports, etc.  I read he is doing all the things recommended if in a custody battle.  EXCEPT one.  They do not recommend dating if you are going through this. It complicates and may be cause for things for court, and since court is not lawful, but has a moral compass of its own, there is that fact.  So, I am keeping busy. I start volunteering with the youth at church tonight as I was asked.  I work out.  I volunteer for a foster care review bd and went to a training on Friday for it.  My kids' band booster club needs volunteers and out of town band competitions start in 2 weeks every weekend.  So, will see how life continues. Hanging in with what I can.

 

So, budding relationships with deeper commitments......    He tells me he is deeply committed to me.  He wants me. He appreciates me greatly.  Nice to hear.  But no time together?  Where I am....

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like a good weekend, tybec, and great to spend time with your son too.  It's so good to get out there, and not wait to have NG at your side.  The six month cycle of court hearings, sigh .... the slow grinding of the system that takes FOREVER.  As an outsider looking in, it seems unhealthy that he is spending every moment on his case and with his kids.  I can imagine that this is taking its toll, and obviously not just on him.  It's hard to think of yourself as an outsider in all of this, a complication in this process.  I think that it's unreasonable to put this kind of pressure on anybody - to suggest that anybody going through a custody battle to not date, especially in a process that takes so very long.  You're taking a healthy approach and keeping busy, but are you willing to wait this out?  Maybe it's laughing about the absurdity of the situation right now, hopefully you can get some time with him to sort out feelings and lighten up the mood just a little bit. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Going the communication route. Not ready to throw in the towel. 

 

Son's birthday is coming up. Always a trigger.  7 yrs., and it just is.  I know this time of year is rough for me.  His dad was such a big kid. We had great celebrations with family and a mini trip for Labor Day.  I made big plans. New tradition with some old weaved in. It is to be a joyous occasion. But my tears of "HOW can it be 7 birthdays without his DAD!"  still come.  This world of widowhood.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

{{{hugs}}} tybec. Totally get that. I remarked to a friend who marked that it's been six months since her mom died that this year will be 24 since my dad in December and next March will be 20 since the first husband/my son's dad. February will be three years since LH. May will be three years since BF and I had our first date. Time flies ...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, my NG sent me flowers. That is his go to for letting me know he appreciates me   or he is sorry.   He has been out of the loop for a week, now.  We talk or text a little daily.  He knows he is not good company and said so.  I am not either but I am coming out if.   Keeping busy.  He did plan a date for tomorrow night.  I splurged and am taking my son and a couple friends to a theme park this weekend. We did this as a family for his birthday when he was little, so it is new/old thing.  He is very excited to share this with new friends who have never been there, for some reason.  Hoping to make some really good memories for him.  Happy weekend!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good for you, tybec -- I hope your son and his friends (and you!) have a great time. It is also good for NG to know that your world does not revolve around him or what he is doing. Of course we want our signif's to be part of our activities but it's a good boundary when we set the expectation we have other things going on as well.

 

BF started his new job yesterday but is still looking for better opportunities. Can't say I blame him :) I made one of his favorite dishes for dinner but he didn't get to enjoy it much since he got in so late. I had eaten well before he got home; he knows I keep a different schedule when it comes to how I structure my day since he had a chance to see how the day goes while he was in between jobs. Things are good here; as time goes on, I realize I am much more open to things like cuddling with him than I ever was with LH. It is interesting how we change ...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Love that life goes on with or without SOs.  I'll have a chance to do my own thing this weekend while NG is away visiting his daughter.  Looking forward to some alone time, tackling stuff around the house, catching up on reading and focusing on the dog.  I'm planning on taking my mom to the movies on Saturday, should anything come up I'll consider it but other than that no plans 😁and it feels good.

  

Happy Weekend ~

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, lots of feelings/thoughts. Joy, some confusion, hope and love. 

 

Had a great birthday for my kid, and it is continuing.  I am making it okay. 

 

My dear friend who is widowed, also, is on her sadiversary,time, and I hope to meet with her soon. Her husband had cancer, and Sept. is the end of the end of a short but awful treatment process. Her daughter just got engaged,and I know all about the joys of great news and sadness of not sharing it with your spouse/father of your kids. 

 

NG and I are very busy with our schedules for our kids.  .We have a joint calendar now to reconcile all our responsibilities,.  I am filling my life up with things to be full, and I have a "tribe" of women I am starting to get closer to for lots of reasons

 

NG told me Friday night he was ready to marry me when I want to marry.  He has shared things like this before, but lots of things have been said.  I had told him a while ago I had to get my house in order, my mother's estate, the family farm sold, and I was  not about to marry before that. I told him I wanted a prenup, too.  Well, I guess he has mulled it all over, and he now is ready when I am.  OH my!  What a turn of events!  My brain and heart are one place and all along he has been on this other track. He states he has been consistent, and that is true, but the lack of time is a big factor for me.   Our communication needs improvement.   He is Logical to a fault. I can be  fickle. I will take the time I need to decide when and how. He has a lot to get taken care of, also.  When I asked him about this change given all, he said he did not want to lose me.  

 

AND I have plans for me and my dear son.  Some traveling to do as my financial person told me to go for it. I am quite conservative, but my financial planner, who is widowed, also, monitors me well.  He lost his wife 7 months after my LH died.  He travels a lot, through his work and has adopted two kids from Africa and has an educational program set up in his LW's name there.  He is remarried, too.  I trust him. 

 

So, my life.  😊

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Where's the love button, tybec?  Smiling here too, so glad things are coming together for you.  It's a process isn't it.  The logical/fickle relationship sounds familiar, the two can balance each other out nicely in good circumstances.  Best with those travel plans with your son - maybe Africa is in your plans? 

 

I did veg a bit this weekend, not something that I usually do.  Binge watched some of season 2 of Ozark and enjoyed it  😀  - dark and disturbing but so good.   It was a nice break to have the weekend away from NG,  I realize that I don't always like who I am when I'm with him.  It felt like a bit of a reboot for me, if that makes sense.  Moving forward I'll see how this goes ..... 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was NG free all weekend. He had his kiddos and I was busy anyhow. My youngest turned 15 yesterday so she had celebrations with her friends Sunday and with family yesterday. My best friend is moving several states over in 2 weeks so we were at her house on Saturday helping her purge items. Said items are now in my house so I'm going to try to pay it forward to anyone who may need things. I miss my guy but I'm happy I can move about my business. I'm not going to pine over who has more time or who can be more flexible. I'd like more time with him but we're simply busy people each with responsibilities, jobs, and kids. It's what it is! Good thing we're both on the same page on this or it'd be an issue. 

 

Random convo though about my wedding anniversary coming up - I explained I don't know how I'll be but I might be anxious or tuned out but not to take it personally. This will be my first anniversary where I'm in a relationship. I don't know how I'll be but I won't lie: the last 2 years sucked. I cried and I was in a black hole of sadness. I'm in a good place now but triggers can hit you any time, any where. He told me his wedding anniversary from his ex was 3 days before mine. We can be together those days and not be sad over this time frame. We are in a good place together and we can get through it. Replace the sad and regret with goodness. I'm all for trying for that.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This week Ng has been in my house basically full time as he had to move out of his house and the house he's moving into is not available for another 2 weeks. The trick is both my sons are home from Uni at the moment too. It works but it's not relaxed. My boys stay in their room more and don't converse with me as much, Ng sits on the couch alot as I go about everyday things...it's not like I need help with dishes or what ever, but it just seems odd. That's all I  have to say. It's just an ODD situation. ....and I'm looking forward to him moving to his place,so we can relax in a neutral zone.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

klim -- agree with our friends here in that I also hope things get less weird. I would say that BF was a couch potato when he first moved in; I think he was trying to decompress from all the crazy that had been going on in his life and needed time to adjust to my house and schedule. I too don't need help with stuff so I wasn't asking him for anything. I still don't ask often unless it's a bigger job than I can do by myself and/or I know it's something he's very good at (like when he rebuilt the side gate to the fence). I don't have any offspring in the house and still haven't told my son that BF is here; in his case, he doesn't really need to know since he doesn't live with me anymore. However, the neighbors watch. I might have shared in a separate post but when he took the company truck back after changing jobs, the one neighbor couldn't wait to message me to ask if I was okay since he was gone; I was like, he's not gone -- he just took the company truck back after changing jobs. Sigh! Anyway, it's probably hard for your NG too, to be in a new environment and with adult children who aren't his ...

Edited by arneal
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello all,

 Klim, I don't have your experience, so not sure how to help.  By 21 I was married  (almost 30 years ago now) and on my own with some support but adulting. This whole thing of adult children living at home is not familiar to me, although  VERY common now. I was on the other end, sandwich generation, taking care of my kid and elderly parents.  Good luck with all that.

 

I enjoyed my first band competition with my son. It is really quite amazing what you can get these teens to do!  And a football game.  And I started helping with youth small groups at church this Sunday, and I think I am really going to like it.  So, a full weekend, sans the NG.  We went 3 days with only texting.  This is the 2nd weekend in a row of him with his boys and no contact except text, brief. I am going to see how the next one comes about in 2 weeks. I can't justify it. So, seeing how things roll.

 

DS has birthday Wednesday officially. I asked his best friend and his mother to go out to eat. We will be the "dead Dads club."  His new friend lost his dad the same year and his birthday was yesterday, same age.  My son and he met the summer we moved here at church camp and then ended up at the same church!  Small world. We have plans for a concert to attend in Dec., too.  Branching out.   

 

Complexities at this stage of life.  Is it guaranteed to be complicated?  Or is it the choices we make?  Hmmmmm......

Edited by tybec
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you, tybec ... I left home at 18, was married the first time by 24. Because of his special needs as I have shared, my son was out of here before he was 19. It has like you said become more common to have adult children at home; here in CA, I have neighbors who say it's because the cost of living is just too expensive for them to be on their own. I am not sure about that since I think minimum wage was somewhere around $3 something an hour when I left home. It was hard. My apartment that I shared with a college roomie and then with the first husband was horrid. But it was 'mine'. My first silverware was from the dollar store; the forks would bend almost in half when you tried to pick up anything. It does make me laugh now but at the time, it was a nightmare. But I know if I hadn't had those experiences, I wouldn't have developed the skills I have today ...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.