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arneal

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

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Hey all!

 

Hoping everyone is doing well out there? I have been under multiple deadlines at work so haven't been as noisy here as usual :)

 

I took on two classes this term (what was I thinking???? Oh yeah: $. LOL) so I have quite a few long days. BF is taking class online and has to go to class once per week. It is interesting to have him here all day. Not bad, just interesting. It certainly gives us a chance to see each other at best and worst, all day, 24-7! I had to laugh because he washed dishes the other day ... you know how we get into our own routine and way of doing things? Well of course he does it differently than I do. It was all I could do not to nudge him away from the sink and say, 'I will do it, dear' 😂 I have been trying to put into practice the things I read in the book we got from church. I went to the 'graduation' ceremony last Saturday -- they did a mass wedding for couples who wanted to marry after the five-week relationship series was done. A total of 15 couples over the course of the day -- 14 at once and then one more later in the day. It was lovely.

 

I have decided that if marriage is in the future, I pray for a sign and if not, let that sign come even quicker. If we aren't meant to be a long-term thing, I pray we part as friends and that it is mutual and positive.

 

So, onward. Happy Wednesday, all!

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It has been quiet here!  Good to hear from you, arneal, sounds like things are busy and going well.  I'm curious about the marriage issue - is it enough to commit to each and live together, or are you most definitely looking for marriage?   Yup, the dishes thing - I have to back off and not give an opinion, there's lots of way of doing things! 

 

NG and I keep on keepin' on - no big news other than a 2 week vacation that we will be taking together soon.  Speaking of all day - 24/7, we will have two weeks of togetherness, and we're both wondering how this will turn out.  He's mentioned that he plans to relax and spend lots of time with a book, I'm gonna need a bit more than that so we will have our separate things going on.  To add some "variety" to our vacation - one of his besties will be staying in the 2 bedroom condo with us, and his brother and SIL will visit for a few days too.   NG grew up with 5 siblings, I had one brother.  He's accustomed to lots of people around, this will be interesting. 😜

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As an only child, I can't imagine, trying2 LOL! It took me going to college and being forced to sleep in the same room with someone and two marriages to get used to having even one other person around 😃 I hope you all have a great time! What do you plan to do while your BF reads his book? Hopefully something amazing and fun!

 

Great question on the marriage front. Having been married twice and widowed twice, I feel like there's not much I will gain from having the piece of paper versus not having it. Financially, I am not looking to 'gain' from being so partnered; I own the house, have a car, and all the associated bills lol. I work in education so will never be wealthy. BF is looking to start his business, so he's got to focus on how he uses his $$ as well. He has not had good marriage experiences and I think he is not particularly interested in thinking about it. We've talked around it -- discussed what we think marriage should look like and be about -- but have never had that 'what do you think about us getting married' discussion. He once said that he and his ex were dating for several years before taking the plunge and describes her as being pushy about it. I'm at that stage where I am not going to beg anyone to be with me, you know? That said, we are together (heck, you can't be much more together that living in the same house! I work from home and he is taking most of his class online so is here all day on the computer in a different room -- we pop in on each other and check in during lunch lol) ... I am part of a vibrant faith community and there are very strong feelings about marriage versus living together. I don't talk about my personal relationship much, outside with a few of the women in the group I have visited from time to time.

 

From a practical standpoint, I think marriage would benefit him more than me; I have medical insurance through my job so it would cost less to add him to my plan than for him to pay out of pocket or to buy business insurance, for example.

 

If the opportunity arose to experience the things I never have from being married (I have never had an actual proposal and have never had a honeymoon), yeah, I'd like that :)

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We have no plans for cohabitation or anything like that but NG and I are doing well. I think I have him hooked so he's making honestly more effort to make time for me. With his having joint custody of the kids, they are bouncing back and forth regularly and then you add in work and volunteer and our own individual interests, it's just crazy busy right now. He's admitted going a whole week is too long of a stretch for him. It feels nice to be needed and desired, I can't deny that. I've slept over his house a few times but it's still weird to me. I wake up here and there but I just sit there and think in the dark. I'm at least too lazy to get up. LOL! I'm a natural snuggler but he feels hot at night so I feel that I need to give him space so I don't make him overheat. It's something to work out. I'm interested to see how winter will pan out. I'm pretty cold most of winter so I'm sure I'll want to get right next to him for the heat. I've been good about respecting his space. I want to clean his entire main floor like a crazy person and rearrange his furniture for better flow. I admit to having dust bunnies and tufts of hair from our dog and cats but the main space of my home is always picked up and neat so the carelessly tossed menus, loose napkins, twist ties, abandoned various mail, various sauce packets, receipts, and clutter stuff is getting harder for me to ignore when I go over. I know it's not my space to deal with so I mentally remind myself to just not look at it.

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You are together, arneal, and don't need a marriage certificate to prove it.  I know non-married couples that are more committed to each other than some married couples. It's interesting that you desire that proposal, and the honeymoon.  Sounds like you're a bit of a romantic?  😉  I don't want marriage right now, not sure if I ever will.  I never imagined that I wouldn't want to again be in a marriage, so far my heart says no.  That being said, I do love again and feel that I can be in a happy and committed relationship without being married.

 

Julester  Maybe he's hooked, are you? 🤔 Do you think he'd mind if you tidied up?  You wouldn't want to set yourself up as the cleaning crew, but I find clutter hard to ignore too.

 

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 I admit to having dust bunnies and tufts of hair from our dog and cats but the main space of my home is always picked up and neat so the carelessly tossed menus, loose napkins, twist ties, abandoned various mail, various sauce packets, receipts, and clutter stuff is getting harder for me to ignore when I go over. I know it's not my space to deal with so I mentally remind myself to just not look at it.

 

 

Julestar,

 

I am glad I am not the only one with this ^^^^^^^.

 

NG used to clean his place spotless when I would come over for a date night.  Now over 2 1/2 years, he is just him.  He states I never come over anymore.  Well, I have my own home, and it is picked up with food and relatively clean.  I have stated he has the "man cave" .  And he does.  It is the "Museum a la R"  is what I tease.  Camo bedroom, military paraphernalia all over the walls, and his children's things in the living room, play room/loft, kitchen covering the island, desk and sun room.  You can't get in the garage easily as their stuff is everywhere.  His thought is to leave things as they were so when they return, it is "home."  May be the female being raised by parents who married in 1950, but I can't handle it.  So, my house mostly for visits. 

 

I had not decorated my new home. We had talked summer of 2017 about being under the same roof.  Since that did not happen, I am now decorating how I see fit.  I changed all furniture and colors to start a new life, new home from my LH.   So, gonna keep going.  Bought curtains and hung them today!  😉

 

Did a road trip fall break with dear son.  It was to reconnect with my few years at college when I was on my own and late husband was in the Marines.  Took my son to walk where my side of the family went to college, and for him to get a sense of the world outside of our small little pond. Took a visit to another college where friends took us for a tour.  It was good to remember who I was and my roots. Moving forward  always.

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Ha, trying2 -- no one would ever put me and the word 'romantic' in the same sentence LOL! To be honest, it's more like ticking things off a list. I have no desire for a wedding dress and bridesmaids and all that; someone saying 'hey, let's get married' is enough of a proposal. Spending a weekend at somewhere not at home afterward is enough of a honeymoon. The first marriage was the one where I wondered how bad I'd get hurt if I dropped and rolled out of the car on the way to the church (yeah, we did get married in church ... I still think about that, with all the abuse that occurred in that relationship ...) and the second one, we got married in our living room after living together for four years; it was something we said we'd do, not that either of us asked the other 🤔. Yes, we are together and it's been a short time. But as we've all said, time waits for no one. However, just like with work, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so why would this be any different? 😁

 

Bottom line, I am grateful as Jules said, to be loved. I was smiling at the desire to pick up comments. I told BF way back when that my house is lived in and I am not a neat freak. It's hard to be with two good-sized dogs who swear they are people too! I do feel like I keep the place June Cleaver clean though with BF here by comparison; he doesn't pick up as much as I do, like wiping off the bathroom mirror or getting all the crumbs off the table after dinner. It is funny the things we notice about others, isn't it? 

 

Hey tybec -- sounds like a great time! Good for you. And doing up your place, your way? Love it! I will not comment on your guy's man cave ... BF made a suggestion for a real office desk where I could put my multiple computer monitors instead of having them propped up on things like I do now; I looked at him like he was nuts and laughed. We both had a good laugh over that one, actually!

 

I decided we would do Indian food tonight. It's the weekend, been a rough work week for me. I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

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Sorry to hear of the abusive marriage, arneal.  That must have been really tough to deal with. 

 

Remembering who you are and roots - priceless, tybec.  I didn't realize how important this was until I moved back to my home town.

 

I'm also smiling about clutter and tidiness, NG is tidy but he doesn't come home clean due to his work.  I find his "love prints" everywhere, and I routinely have to clean up the smudges.   I would rather have this, than him not here though.  DH never could hit the hamper with his dirty clothes, used to drive me crazy.  After he died, I remember thinking that I'd give anything to be able to collect his dirty laundry again. 😔  

 

Happy Weekend.  It's Thai takeout here tonite, it's been a long week here too. 

 

 

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Thanks tybec -- I sometimes think the recovery was worse than the experience ...

 

Love prints ... that's perfect :)

 

Enjoy the Thai takeout -- I have had a taste for sushi but figured we'd fill up at the buffet. It will make us tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour as most of this week has been closer to 11 pm. And with get up time between 4 and 5 am, that's been tough.

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Gosh now I want Indian and Thai food! I will this weekend! I deserve it. 

 

I honestly think NG wouldn't like it. So I think I'll leave it alone. I warned him just once if he didn't keep me entertained when I come over, I will start cleaning and organizing. I can only halt my OCD tendencies for so long. 😅

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I had Turkish food at one of the college towns we visited fall break. Laid on the floor on pillows and ate. It was an experience.

 

Forgot to mention. As I go through what I have described as a mid life or identity crisis, NG stated he will wait patiently as he wants no one else.  I really am twisted up about who I am, what I want/need, etc.  I guess that is expected uprooting myself after 22 years in the same town even if I did start dating before I moved.   And learning who I am in a town NO ONE knows me. A psychologist friend stated it must be liberating.  WEll, it would be if I had sought being widowed.  I think she must have compared it to her divorce. Anyway. 

 

Big realization. My son is bonding with NG.  NG does try to relate to him and include him in activities with his boys when he can. He says things to my son I cannot as his mother.  I had not seen it but the last couple weeks, it was undeniable.  My NG told me he knew it, and he did not know why I did not see it.    AND it is more  than about just me. His kids spend little time with me and the oldest always is running to the bathroom, nervous stomach.  He has mental health treatment for many issues, and  I am very familiar as a kid therapist.  NG noted his kid has to learn to adapt to the new environment, and he is sure the ex and family do not help him to do so.  I was glad he noted adapt, not just give up as I was afraid he might in all his pressure. I still have a great fear he will abandon me ,  if his ex found a way to state hitching up to me and my son is damaging to their children.  I wanted to believe this town and professionals involved would not fall for all that, but it is a good old boys network.  I am learning to work in it. I have child welfare cases with the same family court judge.  I am taking my time.  

 

Thanks for the ear.

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Julester -- so funny you mention what your NG would and would not like. I decided I wanted broccoli beef this past weekend; I had all the fixin's to cook it and BF says he doesn't like it. I said, well, I am cooking tandoori chicken as well but will be making broccoli beef and you don't have to eat it 😂 His response: Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't eat some ... I'll just pick the broccoli out. Ha! He hasn't had any yet and I plan to eat my leftovers!

 

That's fabulous, tybec that your guy is willing to be patient as you work on you. And that he connects to your son. If mine were here or spent time with me, I'd hope BF would do the same. His daughters are completely estranged from him now, having fed into a bunch of stuff from their mom's side of the family and also not being able to step out of their own mindsets to understand their dad at all. I mean, he can be stubborn and excitable, but if you know someone, I mean really know them, you learn who they are and how they work ... especially your own parent. Anyway, it's good that you all are connecting and will work such matters out over time ...

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