trying2breathe Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Glad to have the holiday weekend to get away with BF. My mother is recuperating from surgery and doing well, she wants me to celebrate Easter with here her but I've had Easter plans for a few weeks with BF and my brother plans to be with Mom. I'm feeling a bit of guilt about going away, she's had my full attention for the past few weeks and I could really use a few days away. tybec It's interesting that taking a step away from a relationship and focusing on yourself gives new perspective. I think that it's important to be happy with yourself first - as you say find a way to love me and share his life with me - a healthy way to be in a relationship IMHO. Anytime BF and I have had time away from each other, for whatever reason, it's been a good thing. The overnight concert sounds fun, hope that you have a great Birthday! arneal In dealing with my in-laws I hope that I will NEVER do intros to anybody that I'm seeing. Too stressful and awkward! And they recently told me that they support my dating somebody else and marrying again. This is great to hear, but that being said - no, not planning to make any introductions. It was awkward enough just talking to them about me dating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 9, 2018 Author Share Posted April 9, 2018 Happy Monday all! So this was back to something of a 'early dating' weekend We went to a matinee on Saturday. I have a membership for discounts to the particular theatre so paid for the tickets while BF bought the snacks and food. We went to see 'Isle of Dogs' It was then back to life as it really happens: went to the market for groceries, came home and cooked. We shared cooking yesterday, which was interesting, having him in my kitchen. At one point, he had to use more utensils than he wanted and joked about using so many. It was like going from early dating to old couple in a couple days LOL. Good times, which I was glad for as he's been stressed with work lately. How are you all doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 9, 2018 Share Posted April 9, 2018 Woo HOO! Sounds like some good things going on. It was spring break and NG's kids were with their mother. So, he has spent a ton of time with me and my son. My son is starting to respond to him more positively, too. My birthday was over the weekend, and we got away! Dinner out, concert, overnight in a large college town. I am understanding more and more who he is. 2 years, right? So, we are really getting to know the deep us. I really love him. I know he loves me, also. We fit, as we truly get each other. So strange to have that again, but in a different way. I am scared. Back to his real life, with his kids, the schedules, the time limited. It is hard. We are doing my mom's memorial service Memorial Day weekend. He has his kids, and he has a camping trip already planned, so never planned to go with me. He lived 15 years overseas and is well traveled and says such wonderful things of us going to exciting places together. It is not possible FOR YEARS AND Years. Okay, overthinking..... how to just enjoy NOW? He is a good man. I am fortunate to have found him. (sigh) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 I'm just curious before I step into this thread how long you've been dating your significant others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 arneal Domestic bliss ...... enjoy! tybec Glad that things are settling in for you, and that you had a good birthday celebration. Why do you think that an exciting trip with him won't happen for years and years? Kids no doubt make it more difficult to follow through with plans, but it's do-able? How to just enjoy now - good question! Update on BF - there've been some bumps in the road lately. We've settled into a nice domestic routine and see each other most nights and weekends and it's been good. He's been supportive during my mom's illness, and has helped out with household maintenance that I needed to get done. Our differences are becoming a lot more apparent though, and lately I called him out on something that to me is a deal breaker. He replied that it would never happen again - to me it's a blanket response without introspection. Day to day at this point, we're tiptoeing around each other right now and I'm sad that I'm not sure if this will work out. virgo BF and I have been together a year and two months. We all move at a different pace, a year is a good amount of time but for me it took awhile to feel committed to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 Trying to breathe...you may have to dig deeper into the dealbreaker issue. It sounds as if that was a sweep it under the rug type of response, but maybe it's that simple truth for your guy to say ,"if it hurts my chances with You I won't do it" I know that my guy is very responsive to critiques of his actions and has changed his handling of certain things because of conversations we've had. I must say though I do watch for his reverting back.....and I think it has slowed down my ability to fully commit........I need to to know that the changes are perminent and not just an act. Basically I want to believe , and am giving it a chance but still after a year and 3months am cautious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 10, 2018 Author Share Posted April 10, 2018 Bliss indeed ... BF is home today. He hurt his knee, hyper-extended it or something, and was limping about this morning. He is being subjected to my dogs all day, as well as the noise from the tv as I get work done. I kept my regular schedule, went to the gym, came home and showered ... he'll get a taste of what my normal day is like tybec -- it is interesting how our schedules orbit around our new SOs and the blending of families. As Trying2 said, it is possible to travel with kids if planned properly. Not as much grown-up fun in some ways, but still Virgo -- good to see you here and thanks for your question! BF and I have been seeing each other for two years come the end of May. He moved in this past February, but as Trying2 said, we all move at different paces. I've been widowed twice and lived with both husbands prior to marriage so the live-in thing is no biggie in a way. This is very different than the last two major relationships for sure so I am not comparing. I've blocked a lot of the first marriage process from my mind in an effort to heal from it but I moved in with LH (my second husband) within a few months of knowing him. I met him in August and before Christmas my son and I were basically living in the house he shared with his dad. We moved in for real (as in I gave up the apartment I had for my son and I) the next summer so my son wouldn't switch schools mid-year. It took BF and I more than a year and half to move in together and marriage is not a conversation at this point. If it happens, it happens ... klim -- good point about knowing changes are permanent. Change is difficult for us all; if no one has ever 'held his feet to the fire' in relationship, it may take a few times of getting burned for those changes to stick. Does that create a deal-breaker as Trying2 mentioned it might be in her case? It's always tough to say, isn't it? Plus, what is a deal-breaker for one is not to another, so there's that. This relationship building is not easy for sure ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 Virgo, NG and I are over 2 yrs. but I just moved to his town 8 months ago. 3 kids between us so moving slow for all that but commitment is there. NG got a new job a yr ago so 2 weeks vacation only. It will be used for his children he only sees 4 days a month and every other week in the summer. A trip to Europe for us where he lived 13 plus yrs is nice to hear but not realistic for years. He has never taken time off for me yet. Dealing with custody of his kids. We are planning a vacation this summer with me and my son in separate quarters. Can’t have us together due to custody fight. That’s the facts. Anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 Thanks everyone for sharing. I was just curious. I think I'll stay in the budding relationships thread. I'll just read here. My guy and I have been seeing each other since August, but officially dating since November. Things are going well, but of course I'm still cautiously optimistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 I appreciate all of you and the conversations here, it's been a big help to me in my relationship. I wasn't planning to mention details of my deal breaker, but would like feedback on what everybody thinks. On Saturday, a childhood friend and his GF visited my BF, they all had lunch and an afternoon of reminiscing and celebration which included (found out later) for BF only - quite a bit of beer. I arrived early evening and we all left for dinner - my BF driving. It became pretty apparent that he was driving impaired, if I had known that he had been drinking I would have taken the wheel. He fessed up to drinking and said that he thought he was fine. I will never put up with this again. He said it would never happen again - what bothers me most is that it happened in the first place. This hasn't happened before in over a year of us being together. A one-off, or a sign of what's to come? I don't know. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 He said it would never happen again - what bothers me most is that it happened in the first place. This hasn't happened before in over a year of us being together. A one-off, or a sign of what's to come? I don't know. Thoughts? Eh, if it only happened this once, I'd let it slide but ensure he understands this is not acceptable to you. A mistake to be sure but not necessarily a harbinger of what's ahead. Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 11, 2018 Author Share Posted April 11, 2018 My BF is quick to say he's a lightweight when it comes to drinking; if we have whiskey, I can certainly take in more than him. However, and besides I am certainly not a beer fan, I agree with Mike that you will want to be clear that it was unacceptable (and darned dangerous!) -- consider tempering it with 'don't mind if you have a few but let me or whoever hasn't been drinking take the wheel'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 I don't know - the layers are getting peeled back and I'm not liking what's there. The drinking & driving issue is one part of it, but there's more that's bothering me about us together. Again I'll let this settle and see where we go from here. Seems that I'm doing this a lot lately ....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 12, 2018 Author Share Posted April 12, 2018 Trying2 -- it is important to listen to instinct, that 'still small voice' of the Creator, meant for our good. Take your time, be gentle with yourself. Maybe step back from him for a little bit to give yourself time to think about the whole picture ... {{{hugs}}} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sudnlysngl Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 Trying2 -- it is important to listen to instinct, that 'still small voice' of the Creator, meant for our good. Take your time, be gentle with yourself. Maybe step back from him for a little bit to give yourself time to think about the whole picture ... {{{hugs}}} I absolutely agree with arneal on this! I wish I had listened to mine. If I had of, I wouldn't be getting a divorce right now as I type this! All of the signs were there and I ignored them, telling myself that I was being to picky, or to hard on others, etc. Damn it wasn't my gut telling me to pay attention and run the other way..... I am emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally paying for it now. Please take the time for you and really look at all of it, and don't just settle :-\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 12, 2018 Author Share Posted April 12, 2018 Sudnly -- praying that you are caring for yourself at this difficult time {{{hugs}}} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 13, 2018 Share Posted April 13, 2018 Thank you, I'm taking some time and hoping to get a perspective on the bigger picture. He's a good person, and in some ways I feel that we're perfect together. There's nothing easy about this. sudnlysngl Hoping for some peaceful days ahead for you ((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Trying2 instinct is sometimes hard to figure out... sometimes i think it's accurate and protects us but sometimes i think it's set in high gear and we're hyper reactive to thing that a fall in the normal range. Like a deer running from a photographer because they think he's a hunter. The "taking time and getting perspective" sounds wise. I ran into situation this weekend. I went over to NG's place Friday night and we went out, grabbed dinner and then back to his place and I spent the night. It is our normal routine and it was a pleasant time but nothing extra special but by the end of the night he was gushing with "I love you like crazy.... " Now He's always been ahead of me with the love and such feelings but the best I could say was love you too. And it made me very thoughtful, It's like I make his world wonderful and without me it's dull. Where as I view my life as it's good and I enjoy being with him. I'm just not a person of extremes , never have been. i was thinking I don't ever think I told DH that I loved him like crazy or at least not with the zeal that NG does. I don't think I'll ever be saying it to NG. I must say it feels wrong to not respond with an equally enthusiastic response declaring my love, but it's not my style....I'm very even keeled. Maybe I was just a little too introspective this week, Wednesday it was 5 years since DH passed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Klim, I think like you stated, you just have to find how you all express yourselves and go from there. Learning the new "love languages" of each. My LH was a singer, serenaded me, others, all the time. You heard him before you saw him. He could listen to Metallica, Elvis, Indigo Girls, Adele, Jim Croce, Johnny Cash, Bruno Mars, Train, Patsy Cline etc. His range of music genres was extensive. I love music and it speaks to me, and songs make me smile or weep. So much history in 28 years, so music triggers it all. He also was demonstrative, and I was not. My mother actually stated how good it was to have my LH in our family as we were quite stiff in that department. NG - he sings and knows music, too. But he does not use it to connect like my LH. We were out at a club and these old 70s love songs were playing by a band, and he was singing, but not TO me. LH would have grabbed me, danced and sung every last word. I have had to learn NG is so different in how he demonstrates his love. Now, NG will sing like a bird with a little bourbon in him. He will say these deep wonderful things of love to me, the kind of things every woman wants to hear. I have teased him, asked if he remembered what he said, and he always does. It is cute, but makes me wonder, too. Does he mean it? Are his inhibitions just down? Or is it the alcohol talking? He does not have a drinking problem. I am in mental health and watch stuff way too closely, poor man... Sorry about the sadiversary. 5 years is a big marker for many reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 Appreciate the responses, this past week went well and I'm hopeful that the relationship can continue in a good way. In the past I've made quick decisions in the heat of emotion, and have regretted it. It's much better for me to take a wait and see attitude. I also remind myself of questions and doubts while with LH, dating and marriage, and we were together for 20 happy years. The doubts are part of being in a relationship I guess ..... klim I too relate to him being ahead of me with love and those feelings, and freely expressing them while I reply I love you too. I haven't responded enthusiastically either, and wonder if this bothers him. He told me a few months ago that he wishes that we had met 30 years ago, and I couldn't reply the same way. Five years ....... ((hugs)) I have had to learn NG is so different in how he demonstrates his love. ^yes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 16, 2018 Author Share Posted April 16, 2018 Happy Monday all! The 'I love you' thing happened accidentally with BF and I. Can you say awkward? Lol. However, I too am one of those who isn't good at saying it but try to show it. I once read something about mirroring, particularly regarding body language. Like if your guy (or girl) rubs your face when you kiss, do it back to him or her once in a while because that is how love and closeness are expressed. I have started doing things like reaching for hugs randomly through the evenings because BF does that. It's a way to say the words without saying the words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sudnlysngl Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 Happy Monday all! I once read something about mirroring, particularly regarding body language. Like if your guy (or girl) rubs your face when you kiss, do it back to him or her once in a while because that is how love and closeness are expressed. I have started doing things like reaching for hugs randomly through the evenings because BF does that. It's a way to say the words without saying the words Happy Monday back to you! So I was wondering, does this mirroring work for other expressions as well??? lol Like the next time I see my soon to be ex, when he starts to be an ass to me can I just act out with mirroring what he has been doing to me for the last few years ? ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 17, 2018 Author Share Posted April 17, 2018 Ha sdnlysngl -- one can only hope ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted April 19, 2018 Share Posted April 19, 2018 Hey all, No drama! Woo hoo! NG is staying at my place tonight as I have to be out of town and am leaving early. He is hanging with my son, then. This is a big deal. I don't ask for his help often, as many times, it is conflict with his boys' schedule. So, he has his boys for the 2 hr. dinner he is allotted. He will come over afterwards. He also put the down payment for our mutual vacation in July. I am committed, therefore. He has Metallica tickets for us in JAN. 2019. Not my thing, but I'll support him. He has been coming over or meeting me out to walk after work or work out regularly if he does not have his children. He is trying, and I do feel so much better about us. Yes, I still have my over thinking. He is learning how I operate. Interesting, his kids were standoffish after they spent a week with their mother for spring break. NG went 2 weeks without having them at his home because of their schedule, then, except for soccer or play practice. He ate with them at school one day to connect. They were warmed back up to him this weekend. That is really sad for me to hear. The oldest has anxiety and is throwing up the first night of the time with their dad. ugggghhhh........ The 50/50 shared parenting bill is on the governor's desk, so hopeful for the state. This just means when separation and divorce occurs, there is a presumption of 50/50 shared parenting unless otherwise shown needing differently. Right now, it is the opposite, one parent can take the kids and go and have no contact and get the minimal visitation schedule which is what she did when moving to this state. It was 50/50 in the other state they resided. Interestingly, the older son told his dad his dad could afford to do cool stuff all the time with them as the dad only has them for a short amount of time. Hmmmmm..... The boy also asked me how I made a living, paid for stuff. He is hearing things, I am afraid. Again, I stay out of the mom's space. Two times crossed paths in 2 years. My life currently...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 19, 2018 Author Share Posted April 19, 2018 Sorry to hear his kids have had a rough go, tybec, but it seems you are handling it all like a superstar! Go, you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now