Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

[klim]

So my "kids" are going to be back living at home as of this Sunday. They have been away at University  for 8 months and yes they came home every once in a while but now they will be there full time. The older one actually hasn't been home full time in close to 3 years as his summer jobs were with the university.

 

In that time the relationship between NG and I has been growing. We live an hour apart so have set up a kind of schedule where date night( he comes my way as his work schedule is much more flexible) is Tuesday and then the weekends ebb and flow between his place and my place depending on what's happening.

 

I have always been a little more relaxed at his house...we are more equals at his house. At my house I am more host. For one thing his house was a blank slate. He moved there 5 months before his wife left and they were already deteriorated to the point that there was no "we" at that point.  His wife took all the furniture  and stuff and NG did really the bare minimum in the year and a half before I met him to make his house his home.  He had a couch, bed and dining table,  two plates and a pot and a pan. Since I have arrived, we have painted the living room, he has nice livingroom set up,and he has enough pots ,pans and dishes to host a dinner party. He even has a shower curtain and bath mat. Yes I do wonder what he was doing before we met.

 

With my sons being home full time and the fact that I  always want them to feel totally relaxed in their own home combine that with my feelings that my house is my house and his house is more ours ........ well lets put it this way I feel like there maybe a shift in dynamics and I'm not sure how it's going to play out.

 

Just wanted to share and see if anyone else shares this "his house/my house /their house/our house problem"

 

[First Widow]

LOL on the shower curtain Klim!!

 

My son will be home from college for the summer on Tuesday and it will definitely change things for me and my NG!  His apartment is still quite sparse so we've spent more time here while my son was away.  I envy your "our house" feel! 

 

I suspect the his apartment/my house/their house thing is going to focus attention on where exactly our relationship is headed, and my head is swirling because I'm not sure I know exactly what I want.  We put that discussion on hold while he was dealing with some health issues, but that is drawing to a close.  Part of me would love to come home to NG everyday, but part of me enjoys the status quo. 

 

So yes, I'm sensing a shift in dynamics as well!

 

 

[arneal]

Hoping for the best, klim!

 

I think the house dynamics are always interesting. BF was renting with his daughter (adult) when we met. The first place they had I didn't spend much time at but spent more at the second place, which was bigger. It was more I found out that BF was embarrassed by her lack of cleaning skill (or willpower I suppose ... her bathroom was a nightmare!).

 

Now that he's moved into my house, it's a matter of deciding whether to call it 'ours' or what. He feels some type of way a bit about the town I live in since it gets a bad rap overall but seems to like it here. It's much quieter and less traffic prone most of the time and of course as a house, there's more room. However, my dogs run the place (150lb when put together -- he's 80lb and she's 60lb) so there are times when he can't really move about because of them lol. They adore him, which is what's funny to me. He gets overwhelmed most likely.

 

When we were in two separate places, for me it was 'oh, it's time for me to go home? see ya' or if he was here, 'okay, see you next time either of us goes either way' lol. Funny how he does call this home but it seems distanced from it in a way. Hard to describe ...

[tybec]

Gearing up for dynamics to change, also. Summer schedule, 50/50 so one week on and one week off.  His mother will fly in and take care of the kids during the week as he works.  This will be the third summer.

 

He has spent lots of time at my home, which is comfortable and I cook and we eat, etc.  His home is all him and his boys, decorated as a man cave and uncomfortable for me.  He leaves things as is when the kids leave so they return to their home as it was.  So messy, toys in 4 different rooms, their rooms.  He has made it a home well for them, but not me and mine.  I would never live there. 

 

With Momma coming in, past summers, he does not need me.  He has an adult to talk to, his kids nightly, and me living 1 1/2 hours away was not a problem.  I live here now.  Is he going to dump me each week?  He says he feels the need to talk to his mother, give her undivided attention, as she is cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, but I am out in the cold?  We will see how it transpires.  This is the make it or break it summer, I feel. 

 

Oh, and the new law was passed Thursday here for 50/50 shared parenting, so in this state he will be pursuing 50/50 in Aug. at the next court date. He wants it, his goal to moving here from out of state.  I don't know how it will go for us.  I am not sure about blending all that. His kids are younger, and I have been through that. My son starts high school next year.  No toys everywhere, loudness, etc.  I don't know what I am doing, by the way.  Waiting to see. I wouldn't want to be together unless engaged/married, I have decided.  He made another comment about needing to raise his boys as they need him, but once they are gone.....  I told him I am not waiting 10 yrs.  His youngest just turns 8 this summer. 

 

I love him and our time together, but waiting to see.

[arneal]

((((hugs)))) tybec ... Yeah, the mom thing. Can't relate; as my parents' only child and my mom never dropped everything to watch my son. Literally I can count probably how many times she had him, her only grandchild, growing up. Some people have parents that do; my LHs cousin and I are close and she will take time off work if her daughter has something so she can watch her granddaughter. I can't imagine ...

 

I hope it comes together for you hun.

[trying2breathe]

Dynamics changing here too as my daughter arrives home from college tomorrow night and is here for the summer.  The happy domestic routine will change,  and we'll be spending more time at his place - not quite as comfortable there but it will work.  My house has become our house, he takes on projects and helps out like he owns the place. HIs house is his, we've not spent much time there.  We're hoping to eventually prepare dinners here again and include DD, but I"ll take her cue on that.  She has met him, but doesn't know him well.  As far as him staying the night here, probably not for awhile.  It will be interesting to see how this plays out.  I do love him, we're working things out.  There are some obstacles that need resolution and the next few months will provide some clarity.  I'm willing to give it time.

 

tybec  Definitely a lot on his plate, your post about priorities of love is a good one.  It will be good to see how you and the relationship is prioritized with everythingl else that he's doing, seems like a very busy man.  About him not needing you - disagree about this.  Time spent with a parent is different - I enjoy for the most part, spending time with my parents but it gets to be an obligation.  Spending time with my guy is a pleasure,  I feel no obligation but rather a desire to be with him.   The adult conversation would be welcome, but he feels a responsibility to her and their time spent together.  Any way that you can help him out with some of the responsibilities - make it a joint effort of some kind?  Child care isn't something to step into but do you have the time and interest in helping out with his mother?  It might go a long way telling him that you'd like to participate in some way rather than feel a divide. Might not be do-able as you don't live close - but just a suggestion.  About the kids - I loved getting out of the plastic toys strewn about stage, not having to make sandwiches, et al. and enjoy how independent my kids are becoming.  Kids do grow up fast though.  You continue to say that you love him and like your time together ..... I'm doing it a day at a time these days. 

[arneal]

Creating new normals is tough sometimes. My uncle is visiting a friend in the area and I am trying to meet up with my son this weekend as well. Am going to ask BF if he wants to come but will go no matter what. The funny thing is, half of me wants him to go while the other half hopes he says he'd rather not ... after my son's first meeting with him that left me abundantly embarrassed, it's my pride talking 😳

[arneal]

Happy Friday all and for the Star Wars fans in the house, May the Fourth Be With You 😁

 

I mentioned that I am going to see my uncle who is visiting a friend out here for a while as well as my son this weekend. I told BF last night and invited him to come. He paused and said he didn't know, to which I answered something like 'no worries -- let me know'. He then asked if it was on Mother's Day and I told him no, that Mother's Day was the following Sunday, which is the day I leave for another week to go teach on campus. He sort of nodded and was quiet.

 

I think Mother's Day may be a thing for him. His mom is dead but they had a tough relationship. He thinks of her and speaks of her every so often, so I don't know if that was part of it.

 

As I did some chores around the house today, I thought about it some more ... I realize I don't want to be one of those people in a relationship that is either too strictly connected or that's too loose. I want him to know my family, but only if he believes as much as I do that when people are committed, they meet each other's folks (i.e., children, parents, cousins, others who happen to straggle into town or that they go visit if in the area). I had to question my thoughts on that further as far as how will I feel if he doesn't believe that is part of commitment ... I mean, how can it not be, right? He's met my son, I met the one daughter he used to live with; he doesn't have other family that he communicates with in the area. I have no other family west of the Mississippi other than a couple of LHs cousins who consider me family and neither of them is in this state. He's spoken to my mother on the phone. As I tossed it around in my head, I decided should the topic come up of meeting relatives, I will tell him I wouldn't want him to feel weird or uncomfortable but it is important to me if we are looking to be a tight 'thing'. I am not interested in bed hopping (even though right now, the bed we have is mine 🤔) so it's not like it's a deal-breaker, but it's something to suss out.

 

Dunno. No point really ... just sharing thoughts of the day.

[klim]

I include NG in family things, even included him a little before I was ready because he was so eager. It has always gone smoothly. The only issues have been with my younger son and that is just that he has issues in general not specific to NG. 

 

I even went so far as bringing him to a  engagement party for my niece on DH's side. he met most of my inlaws at that time. They were nice and receptive. Only one of DH's brothers struggled but he struggles even when I come by myself.It such a strong reminder that his brother is gone...and they were close.

 

He has introduced me to many members of his family.Most encounters have been great. Now having said that there have been a couple of times when he has been to see some of his adult children and I think that maybe he should go on his own. That they may want to share their life with him privately and he not be bringing his new girlfriend along. For example, When he went to meet his granddaughter for the first time.....I thought that might be something he wanted to share with his son on his own but he wanted me along ...so I went. 

 

Anyways Arneal thats how family visits are going here

 

[tybec]

NG has met all 3 brothers and my mom before she passed several times.  I spent the 4th last yr with his dad and extended family, a huge expensive trip thing his dad does yearly.  Been there since then.  His mom is here often for childcare and holidays so spend time with her.  Went to Texas, and he did to at thanksgiving but our family time was separate. That disappointed me.  So I guess we have done a lot there but it is the mercy of the schedule.  Until he gets maybe 50/50 he won’t bring his kids to my family things.   The law has passed, so much better chance.  

 

Ok. My mother’s  memorial service is planned memorial weekend. Planned in Feb.  I didn’t ask him to go.  I want him to want to go.  He said nothing,  and I started preparing in April,  and I brought it up.  He has his boys and planned a family camp night with his church.  So, no option.  I am mixed about him going and again, back to accepting not a priority.  I have one mother. (Sigh)

[First Widow]

(((Hugs))) Tybec!  Do you think he made plans because you didn't ask him?

 

NG and I have spent plenty of time with each other's children.  He finally met my parents when they came to visit for Easter (4 hours away) and I got to spend quality time with his family when he had surgery earlier this year.  But DD is graduating from college in a few weeks and I didn't ask him to go.  I rationalized (to him) that he already took so much time off for his surgery which is true, but if I'm completely honest with myself (which I seem to be here with you guys LOL) I might not be ready for him to be there when it should be my late husband.  Graduation is 2 days before the 3rd anniversary of his passing, so I know there's a lot of emotions here.  I'm not overly concerned about it, but share because for me it's all a work in progress and I don't feel the rush to completely blend our lives.

[tybec]

THanks FW. 

 

I have to take responsibility as I cannot blame him totally.  I did kind of test our relationship.  Would he just assume he was going with me because we have been in a relationship over 2 years?  There is that word.  Assume.  He would have checked his schedule, and he has his kids. I am not sure he would have jockeyed it around because of the custody hearing.  He surely can't have his ex use it against him that he changed weekends for his GF's needs. Yes, it is that bad with his ex in court.  She brings up stuff like he has cussed.  He doesn't have them brush their teeth twice a day. This is family court, and I just want to scream about it. I work with foster kids that go through the same court, so I know real abuse and needs.  I just got a new kid that has been in 8 homes in 6 yrs.  If I were the judge, I would want to shame them for wasting the court's time.  But that is another issue, and tangent.  

 

 I wanted him to offer at the least, and he did not. He would probably say I didn't ask, so he didn't go there, either.  So, there it is folks.  

[trying2breathe]

I'm interested to read other's experiences about intros of new partners with family, as I'm having trouble with this.  At a year and three months, I've not yet introduced him to my parents.  I'm not ready for my mother's questions and my Dad's off-hand comments about BF's tattoos.  My parents have both expressed concern over my dating, and my mother tells me that I should never get married again.  I'm not ready for the scrutiny, drama and anxiety that I think an introduction would create.  Of course it may all be in my head.  BF sits idly by as I attend family events, and I feel badly about this.  I've met his extended family - his parents are both deceased - and all is okay with this.  Ugh - I need to just jump in and get it over with, but I'm afraid.

[tybec]

Trying2Breathe,

 

OH, it is strange, isn't?  I think you know your family best, and of course, yourself, so do what you think is best for you.  I am surprised your mother wants you to never remarry.  My mother let her sitter/companion know she was glad for me to date, and then told me herself. She didn't want me to be alone unless I wanted to be solo.  She wanted me to have someone to do life with, especially since she knew her days were short as she died at 88 yrs. old in Nov. 

 

You said you are not ready, so wait. But talk to BF about it all.  Maybe he will tell you he can handle it and will support you. But can you handle it?  

 

My MIL was very much wanting to be involved with my NG. She hugged him the first time they met, stating she is a hugger. She invited him to the family Christmas.  I know she didn't want to lose her grandson to time with others, so she wanted to include him. But NG thought it strange, as he has his own two sides of the family to juggle, then mine.  He was not wanting to become an "in law" to my late husband's family.  I had to respect that.  My son also said it was too weird.  Anyway. 

 

Good luck with what you decide. 

[klim]

first widow ...I get the idea of there are some family moments ( like graduation) that you want to yourself. I have a very eager partner and he would be by myside for everything and sometimes I just have to say no.  Last weekend he helped me move my sons home from  university, which doesn't sound that emotional but honestly I kept thinking it should be  my dh,their dad helping........and I kinda felt that his presence was invasive.....but his help was also helpful......and he likes to help. It was a balancing act for my emotions last week.

Trying2breathe...your mother has kinda put you in a tough spot by stating that you should never remarry...but maybe she'll warmup to the idea...you know her best . Do they at least know of your boyfriend but have not met him? If not I would start by talking about him when you are with your parents. Exposure therapy ..you might say. ....getting them acclimated to the idea. Again difficult to say how people react but for me it's ll been positive. People who care about you should be happy to see you happy.

 

[trying2breathe]

Thanks for the responses on not introducing BF to my parents.   It is interesting about my mother's statement that I shouldn't marry again - she's outspoken and at times can say some pretty outrageous things.   I think she believes that she's being protective of me by saying this. Both of my parents have no filter when speaking, it took me being on my own for awhile to realize how inappropriate my parents can be. I'm not willing to be the buffer between everybody, I get anxious just thinking about it. I've told BF that I want to keep him for myself right now, and not get into crazy family stuff.  He has met my brother, and I wouldn't hesitate to intro him to other family members.  Hopefully he's okay with the way it is right now.

[TheWidowWhisperer]

Re: college students coming home for the summer. 

 

I can't help but think that this is a natural transition period. Presumably they will graduate and move on soon. They will create their own homes and will always have a place in yours. But it seems to me that this would be the time (single, married, dating or not) to make your home more about you and less about the young adults. Just a thought.

[tybec]

Spent a lot of time with NG this weekend.  Been working out since New Years and keeping it up.  Slow results but I feel better, and I sleep well. NG and joined a club together.  Watched the Derby, went out for Mexican food for cinco de mayo, saw the new marvel movie as my teen was with us, and I found derby pie for later.   

Sunday we went hiking.  My fitness goals were not compatible so changing up my routine.  Blood pressure is great, so seeing progress. 

 

Ng and and I bickered a lot Sunday. Enough I was ready for him to go home Sunday night and he did, as planned.  The "honeymoon" or euphoric phase is over.  Took us longer than the average 6-18 months.   I told him we were there, the part in the relationship where all is coming out, good, bad and ugly.  Interesting. 

[arneal]

Hope all is well though, tybec.

 

I didn't get to see my son on Sunday; he had a very bad day the day before or so and couldn't come. I did go see my uncle and we had a nice lunch. On the way back home, picked up some Greek food for dinner as BF didn't come with. It was good though as the drive gave me time to air out my brain. He didn't have to go into work until last night and it was so late when he got finished that he is home today. I have work so we'll be different parts of the house. Just how it is ... he was asleep and I took my morning walk as planned. Lovely day. Will probably cook some breakfast between meetings

[tybec]

Thanks Arneal. I think we are fine. Just reality. It is over 2 years. Now is the time to see how we deal with each other. He is a very fair and calm man, logical.  He actually balances me as I am the emotional one of the relationship. Not over the top.  But I over analyze things and literally can make my blood pressure rise!  😉

[arneal]

Interesting how it seems we get to a point -- several months, a year, couple years ... whatever it is -- that is defining for how we and our new beloveds deal with one another 😅

[tybec]

Life throws curve balls. We know it.  

 

My NG got laid off yesterday.  He had a job that was a 3 hour commute, and  he liked it but it was not conducive to get his kids more. Last April he got a new job, 😊10 minutes from home and his kids' school (which is around the corner from his house).  The new law passed in the state for 50/50  presumptive shared parenting unless otherwise proven a different need for the children. He was making more money  than his other job and recouping the commute costs, also.  Custody hearing in Aug. All was in favor and then this.

 

He was at an automobile manufacturing parts place.  Several were laid off. He was a buyer, MBA.  He just got a bonus 2 weeks ago, but the owners in Canada had a big meeting last week.  I feel so terrible for him.  His life has been a heartache for the 6 years since my heart broke. His is different but the hits just seem to keep coming.  I know it will work out but not sure how. It is not  death, but I know for some men, it can feel like it.  

 

Not sure how this will impact us, our summer plans, his kids.  Life,  unpredictable.   

[arneal]

So sorry to hear, tybec. My BF is home today; his job is making him very unhappy. I had to go out for a meeting and grocery shopping as I need to be away next week; when I got home, he was ignoring calls on his work phone 😳 He is very tired, asleep right now. The commute is sometimes seven hours round trip from place to place so his days are long. He has the skill to start his own business and mentions needing to get out his books to study but has not yet done so. If he doesn't keep this gig, guess he'll have to get on it. And we'll eat a lot of Oodles of Noodles (kidding). 

[trying2breathe]

tybec  Sorry to hear of NG's layoff, that is a big hit.  And it sounds like it was a bit of a surprise.   I hope the impact isn't too much, I guess that time will tell.

 

I've been 

[arneal]

Looks like you trailed off there, trying2 😕

Happy Monday all! I traveled for work yesterday for a week away from home. BF took me to the airport; our conversations on Saturday were interesting in that he didn't remember that my day to leave was the next day. He asked me a couple times when I was coming back, how long I'd be gone (same thing, right? lol) and was very attentive. He cooked dinner on Saturday night. I told him I would be get a ride home from the airport since my arrival will cross up with his work schedule and I certainly didn't want him taking off early to get me. He texted me once about work today, which doesn't usually happen. Guess I'm growing on him lol.

Edited May 15, 2018 by arneal