Wheelerswife Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I have difficulty realizing sometimes that it has been 4 years since my heart was ripped from my chest for a second time. Here is my post from that day: My world has crashed... ...My worst nightmare has come true. John, my Polarbear, the second wonderful love of my life....he died today. I am on the east coast, visiting mostly wid friends because I just need to do that sometimes. We had a wonderful bago today at the vineyard in Connecticut...a mix of old wids that were there for me in my early days of widowhood...and new wids I had the pleasure of meeting. I'd been texting and trying to call my husband all day, but he didn't return messages. I tried calling a few people to see if they could check on him, but many friends are out of town during winter break from the university. I finally called the police to check on him and they found him dead in bed. I am stunned, sad, angry, in shock. Fortunately, I am with wid friends tonight who have sat with me and held my hand and listened to me make a host of phone calls. I'm not much company at the moment. Some of you know John. He was one of us. I met him here on the board when I was 6 months out and he was a mere 2 months out. Love captured us quickly. I quit my job, sold my house and moved to be with him. We married a year after we met. Life was so good for us. Our love was wonderful, full, alive, hopeful after devastating loss of our spouses. We lived life fully, traveled far and wide. We had great plans for life. John had finally regained full footing and felt like he had finally pulled himself together. He was cutting back his teaching to a more manageable load. He had new direction in research. He was loving his interactions with students. He had discovered his affectionate side and we had the most awesome connection. My brain was finally coming together after over 4 years. I was in school and studying was good for me. It is now all over. I have said this so many times tonight. John died today. My life as I knew it has ended. I am lost. Maureen _________________________ Wherever you go, I shall go..... My beloved Barry...11/29/55-9/22/09 You gave it everything you had. My polarbear....such a brilliant and beautiful man. 1/16/57-1/11/14 You had so much more to give, to learn, to teach. So...I sit here today and my heart breaks again. I wish it was all just a bad dream. I have done quite a bit to keep my life moving in a forward direction. I am still working for and waiting for some aspects of my life to congeal and bring me satisfaction and joy again. I'll be forever grateful for the people who were there for me 4 years ago and those I have come to know since then. You know who you are, as I seldom refrain from telling people how important they are to me. I miss you, my polarbear. I wish you didn't have to die... Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beyondlife Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 biggest of hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jgib Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 hugs and my thoughts are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Oh, Maureen. There are no words. I'm sitting with you in spirit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toosoon2.0 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Love you, sweet friend. xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catnip Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Maureen, I wish you peace. It is still so hard, isn't it? It's now been 11 years for me and I still feel the pain. It's because my husband is still dead. Didn't you say, for your first love, that expecting death is one thing but being gone is quite another thing to deal with. For Christmas I received a bracelet with a heart charm that reads "Half my heart is in heaven." How true that is, and will always be. Hugs to you, ~Catnip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I remember your post from 4 years ago. I sat in disbelief as I read it. To be struck not once but twice with widowhood. Being so far away worrying why calls went unanswered. Desperately trying to make contact only to find devastating news awaited you. It was hard to read. I am sure unbearable to live through. Despite all of the tragedy and sadness, you still manage to bring comfort to others by posting here. It's remarkable. Sending you cyber hugs. Eileen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I too remember your post from 4 years ago, Maureen. My heart breaks for you, unimaginable to go through this tragedy twice. Big big hugs to you ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Hugs Maureen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smabify Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I remember that night Maureen. Thinking of you still, and wishing you well. *HUGS* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Wheelerswife, When Bluebird and I first heard the shocking news 4 years ago, we were in disbelief. The pain we knew you were feeling was heartbreaking. And your strength to survive and keep moving forward even after your second tragic loss was inspiring, and still is. --- WifeLess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Big Hugs Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 Thank you, everyone. As we all do, I made it through. My hardest moment was actually the night before as I crawled into bed and instantly recalled our last FaceTime conversation just a few hours before he was estimated to have died. Since John died, bedtime has been my most anxious time. (I never had significant anxiety before he died...) Fortunately, a widowed friend who was with me the day John died spent some time texting with me and that got me through that heartbreaking moment. On so many levels, I feel ready for a new chapter in my life, but the logistics of that are moving at a snail's pace. I can't seem to open doors far enough to stick my foot inside and hold the door open. I think that leaves me too much time to think about the past and what I miss. Nothing can take away from me what John and I had for the time we were together. Death stole my future with him, but I can only stay angry about that for so long. I am driven to create more meaning in my life, and so I will persevere. Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here: never underestimate the power of virtual connections. Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kater Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Sending you hugs, Maureen. As we all know, time is so altered now. I just passed the 2 year anniversary, so that means when I lost S, you were about where I am time wise. It’s still so odd to me how raw and recent it feels sometimes, and at other times, it feels like another life ago. When I was new to this, I would have thought 4 years was a long time. Now I know the number in front of “years” means little. I hope all the best for you. K. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rifatheroffour Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here: never underestimate the power of virtual connections. Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships. I second this thought completely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peony Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Hi Maureen! I think I found the YWBB board somewhere around 2010, but I never joined for various reasons. I cannot even put into words how valuable it was for my sanity at that time. Everyone on that board became my compass and helped me in a very real way to navigate this storm. Maureen, please know that you were a part of that! You, personally, have made a difference in my life. It is very much a privilege to be able to say Thank You! I have no doubt that there are others as well. The ripple effect of your wisdom cannot be measured at this point! I cheered you on when you married Polarbear & I was truly heartbroken when he passed away. Through your compounded pain you have been honest, raw and never afraid to be vulnerable. It has not gone unnoticed that you are often the first to respond to others when they post. Always ready with a kind word of compassion. Countless people have passed the way of these boards & certainly you have left an impression on every one! Since I cannot take away your pain, I would at least like you to know how appreciated you are! Hugs to you my friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callobg Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Penny09, no other words needed! Thank you Maureen! God bless you. bgc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Just want to say Thanks to everyone on this board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Hugs, Maureen. The passage of time is still so non-linear and strange. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 "Non-linear and strange." That is perfect phrasing for sure, Rob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I remember this day.... I remember a call for an emergency bago... I hadn't met you yet in real life, but I remember the need to go, but the reality it was not possible. Hugs to you my friend, and hope you found moments of peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rifatheroffour Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I remember this day.... I remember a call for an emergency bago... I do as well and will never forget the details of that day. Being here for one another has been one of the most affirming parts of my life the last five years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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