The Old divorce comparison

[Adley]

It'll be four years in March. And NOW my Dad tells me how losing Jessica is like getting divorced. Over the phone. Out of all the ridiculous things in that conversation, that one hurt the worst. I can't believe how friends and family have changed or shown wh they are since my wife died. I do have wonderful siblings though.....just a vent. I don't know how my family outside myself and three children has remained intact after all the effed up input and opinions over the last four years. Furious! Thanks guys...

[Julester3]

These types of insensitive comments pop up in various conversations I have with people and it makes me wince every time. However I decided that I don't waste energy on it other than that brief flash of WTF. Then it's whatever and I move on. I chalk it up to their inability to be truly sensitive or even logically think about what they are actually saying. If I reacted every time this happened to me, I'd probably have been committed for going postal on them. Vent away!

[soloact]

A friend refers to this as mouth in overdrive, brain in neutral.

[Adley]

Thanks Julester and Soloact for the replies, I guess I need some validation! And these days, this is the only place I can get it. Y'alls comments mean the world to me. I know that you care, and you know that I care, and that keeps me up for another day. That comparison that I threw out there has been done to death, but it shocks and hurts the widowed ears every time.

[Mizpah]

Totally the same!  Except for that whole dead instead of alive thing!  Minor detail....

 

xoxo

[beth_krkswidow]

People are idiots.  I used to be a nice person.

Now I pretty muxh hate people

[Adley]

Right Mizpah, it's the difference in disliking someone who's alive and loving someone who is not.....

[Trying]

This used to make me so angry, sometimes still does.  The mother of my son's friend who kept telling me she knew "exactly" what I was going through and wanted to meet for coffee so she could share tips on being a single mom, then proceeded to tell me that Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other weekend were best for her because her kids would be with their Dad. Yup, exactly the same.

[Adley]

Yeah, THAT could bring to mind a long string of profanity. Please!

[Julester3]

My own MIL pulled that on me that she could understand how it's like being a single parent because Josh's dad would travel for work. I know how that is like because Josh was a consultant and I often was the only one with the kids for long stretches on my own (4-5 days a week for 4 years was the longest contract) but losing my spouse - my lover,my best friend, my partner, father to my children who was always a part of our lives forever gone? She doesn't know how that's like and she likes to compete that her grief is worse than mine. This frustration will never go away so I have to employ tactics so I'm not angry all the time. Takes so much energy to be mad.

[Bunny]

I’ve gotten variations on that from relatives, friends, and acquaintances. At one time I actually tried to explain why that kind of thinking was inaccurate but then discovered each time the person never wanted to hear it. Ever. So I’d ended up frustrated, hurt, or feeling invisible to that person.  Yeah, it still annoys the shit out of me but I just kinda let the comments sit there by themselves and don’t bother engaging in it anymore beyond the bare minimum.

 

Hmmm...I guess one could always try to figure out a go-to response to use, like; ‘here’s hoping you never hafta find out how wrong you are!’ then give a big smile and talk about the weather.

 

Yeah, there are people who I know truly love me that I give a pass to, but I do take note that they are NOT who to turn to when I’m feeling the need for a bit of tea and sympathy...

[soloact]

A few years after my husband died I got a call out of the blue. The caller told me she and her husband have separated. I told her I'm sorry. She went on to tell me how lucky I am. I know where my husband is and don't have to worry that he is with another woman.

 

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone.

 

Makes ya wnder.

[Adley]

 

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone.

 

Makes ya wnder.

Report to moderator    Logged

 

That. And Bunny's right, they never want to hear it. Just wanna opine.

And the travel comparison?! 😤

[TheWidowWhisperer]

Thank you for this. The divorce comparison has always confused me. By definition a divorce is when a marriage is working out! I've had people say things such as; "Oh, I totally get it, I just found out my high school girlfriend died." or "My dad died."

First off, it's not a competition. But more to the point, losing the rhythm of your life, your very definition of being is a unique loss.

 

Brenda

[Captains wife]

Such different losses - I get so crazy when I hear divorced people (including my NG) mourn how hard it is to be a single parent. Ummmm - I understand its tough, I don't dismiss the hardships of divorce and divided parenting but its NOT the same or even close to the kinds of issues we deal with as widows/ers/truly single parents.

[beth_krkswidow]

Aaack

I inadvertently hit the report to moderator button!

 

How to undo?

[Peony]

This reminded me of something someone posted long ago.  I wrote it down because I thought it was really good.  I wish I knew who posted it because I would love to give them credit, but unfortunately I don't.

 

 

"The death of a human being is a distinction worthy to stand alone and is not comparable to divorce.

 

A compassionate person knows the difference, and does not compete.  But tries to understand.

 

I pray our society truly has not regressed so far that the major difference between the two cannot readily be identified!"

[MR]

We always get those kinds of comments. We were sitting in a group and someone said I wish he was dead at least i will get the closure and not have to fight with him every time. I am liking seriously I would give everything to have one more fight with my DW. She just said sorry and we dropped the topic.

 

Think is separated, divorced , break up is so common to find in all age groups where as our case is kind of unique. I do understand they have to go thru some of the stuff which we don't but why compare.

[Adley]

I just saw this Beth, don't sweat it!

  Yes, the comparisons still leave me speechless. If I start down the road of rebuttal I'm afraid I won't stop, and that would just be ugly. Most of my friends are gone, the rest are aloof. I don't blame them. My two brothers (who have their own struggles in their own right) stick by me from a distance, were all like some kind of strange and faithful landmarks to one another. With everyone else in my closer family....I hold peace. It beats explosion. I'm so glad you all and this board are here to help us ease the pressure a little at a time rather than all at once. Thank you all for these words.

[soloact]

We got it right. They should be taking notes. 

[lovelorne]

 

Hmmm...I guess one could always try to figure out a go-to response to use, like; ‘here’s hoping you never hafta find out how wrong you are!’ then give a big smile and talk about the weather.

 

 

I strongly recommend doing this.  When I was in the early stages and people would say that to me, I'd knit my brow and say, "No, I've been divorced and I've been widowed and they are NOTHING alike."

 

Then I'd look them in the eyes until they had to look away.  My approach was a little more aggressive than most people would use, but seriously.  Find a line and use it. 

[sudnlysngl]

Like Lovelorn, I've been both and they are nothing alike. Yes both hurt, as I have shared in another post I am going through a divorce right now and the jerk is so cowardly that he won't even tell me why he walked out. I just know that he did the day after I was told I needed to have back surgery, so I know the vows meant nothing to him.

 

However one HUGE difference between the two is, with divorce I can still call the jerk I am divorcing and cuss him out (which I don't, lol), and with dh I can't call him or hear his voice anymore! We (dh and I) can't meet up to talk, or even talk on the phone.

 

So no comparison, besides I always wanted to be with my dh, even we had a disagreement.

[Captains wife]

I get beyond irritated when divorce and widowdom are compared - yes, they are both losses (and I can see how painful divorce is) but for divorce there is some choice to this loss. For all of us, there was no choice in becoming widows/widowers. I just get angry too when I see and hear some of the divorce drama. I think Ive even said - try being a widow/widower and a single parent...then get back to me.

[serpico]

Comparing any two situations that aren't perfectly identical is asking for trouble, especially depending on the sensitivities of those involved.

 

At the same time, though, we as widows have to be careful about claiming the undisputed world championship of pain. As painful as a well-loved spouse's death can be, I also can't imagine the pain of that same spouse abruptly choosing to sever all ties and live with another person, especially if children are involved.

 

Both scenarios can wreck lives, and I don't believe it's our call to decide which one is worse.

[soloact]

Comparing any two situations that aren't perfectly identical is asking for trouble, especially depending on the sensitivities of those involved.

 

At the same time, though, we as widows have to be careful about claiming the undisputed world championship of pain. As painful as a well-loved spouse's death can be, I also can't imagine the pain of that same spouse abruptly choosing to sever all ties and live with another person, especially if children are involved.

 

Both scenarios can wreck lives, and I don't believe it's our call to decide which one is worse.

 

The first time a deceased spouse returns from the dead and they get back together I'll sign on to that. Until then there is no comparison. Past time for the divorced people to stop pushing that nonsense on the widowed population.