Ruth Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 It's been almost three years now. Both our anniversary (March 15) as the anni of his death (April 15) are due in several weeks. This time of the year is still really tough to get through. I am mostly okay during the other months (except for December), but March and April are rough. I thought I'd reach our for some support. Thanks for letting me share! Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Hi Ruth I certainly get what you are saying. For myself, I have learned its usually the anticipation of the date that was worse than the actual date. At least for me I discovered this on the 3rd sadiversary. We are all different in our grief. Gentle hugs to you on this difficult time of the year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hi Ruth. So sorry. So sorry. His birthday was worse than even Christmas for me. I'm so sorry you have those 2 dates, his birthday and sadiversary coming up. I wish I had words of wisdom. I don't. It sucks. I try to tell myself he is worth all the pain. That doesn't help at all. But it is true. True... but not helpful. Warm hugs and so very sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Thank you both for your kind reply. Venting some things... I miss Michael. I'm struggling more and more with his death. The way he died, knowing all the details now, makes it even worse. I've made some peace with losing our unborn daugther, but not with him. He is still so very much in my heart and mind and especially these days and weeks... I miss him till it hurts excruciately. I want him here. I want to feel his arms around me and feel safe again. I can't even explain how much it hurts to have lost him. I can barely explain what we had. This all tangled up relationship with so many twists and difficulties. And yet, so much love. So much limitless love. An ocean full of it. We loved each other passionately. We loved each other even when we hated each other. It was a lot. And him dying on me is a lot. Still. It's been almost three years, but it could have been yesterday. It's heart-wrenching, soul-destroying grief. There's nothing left to say. We've said it all. We were one. We were one. We were one. And now he is gone and I am left here and I'm so tired of feeling so much grief over this. I'm okish most time of the year, but then March comes around and I am a wreck again. March and April are impossible for me. It gets a bit better once we're mid-May. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm alone. Without the love of my life. He won't come back. He won't be here. I won't get him back. Ever. And it hurts so very very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Yup, I completely get it. I remember feeling exactly the same. Vent away Ruth, get it out. It hurts like hell and I remember very early out and held onto this because it helped during those dark times. "If you're going through hell just keep going". Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAmysMom Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 My 3 year will be this July - and I still feel very much like you do. Some days I still feel the "fog".... This can't be my life...... I hate that others understand the pain... hang in there.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 Thank you both. You hang in there too RyanAmysMom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I appreciate your post Such honest feelings and heartbreak that we feel You nailed it with what you wrote Hugs to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Exactly. Keep venting. Keep venting. We understand. Those imbeciles we have to deal with day in and day out do NOT. They think we should be "over" it. Like that's even possible. I AM doing so very much better than I was. I can see the difference. The horrible excruciating physical pain and anguish is not omnipresent as it was. I have days of being ok. I even have fun. However. It is as if I am living someone else's life. It doesn't really feel real. I want my old life back. I want the old me back. I don't like the new me. And I don't like my new life. It's all so surreal. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Yes I get that. It does feel surreal. I keep going, keep moving forward and I can see the progress I'm making, but it feels so very distant to me. Like, indeed, it isn't really my life. I've found an outlet in sports, but even though I know I'm doing better than last year - working out, doing nice things with friends, sharing about the pain - it all feels like a show, a mask I'm wearing and underneath is this deep raw pain and a hole so big as the universe. *sighs* It's tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAmysMom Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I've been thinking a lot about this post lately - as my 3rd yr is coming up also.... And while most days are rough..... This upcoming date is a "landmark" date.... And I think sometimes we give the calendar too much power... My experience has been that as the landmark dates come and go, they are ordinary days, maybe a little rougher than regular days, but in the end, they only have the power we give them. So, my advice to myself (I wouldn't dare tell anyone here how to live or think....) is to not give power to the calendar, but to love my husband and miss him, and honor him every day. God bless us all in this hell of pain and loss..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 God bless us all in this hell of pain and loss. Love that. Yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 Today is our wedding anniversary (eight years) and his birthday (28). Rough day. Painful. I miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Hugs Ruth! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leadfeather Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 I am so sorry you have to be here. February was rough on me with her birthday, our anniversary and Valentines day all in the same week. Let the pain wash over and through you. You will get to the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Warm hugs to you, Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted April 13, 2018 Author Share Posted April 13, 2018 The 15th is approaching fast. I've been really struggling these past days, weeks actually... It all hurts so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted April 13, 2018 Share Posted April 13, 2018 Keep breathing. It will pass and you'll get through. Hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 It's the 16th now. Iam sorry i missed the Sadiversary yesterday Hugs to you today, a day late Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted April 17, 2018 Author Share Posted April 17, 2018 Thank you both. It's been a rough day, a rough few weeks actually and I'm very exhausted, but it has passed again and I made it through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 Sometimes kicking and screaming the whole way. But somehow we've made itbthus far. Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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