Purging

[hikermom]

I am hoping to sell my house and move this spring/summer. That means finally tackling all the boxes of stuff throughout the house. DH was a bit of a hoarder so I've spent the past few days packing up his old medical books (that were probably out of date when he was alive, let along 5.5 years later), going through old cassette tapes (yes, cassette tapes!), photos, books, DDs old toys and school papers from kindergarten and the early school years.

 

This walk down memory lane has been so mixed. Some things feel really good to just get rid of. But the cassettes were harder - found some of his old mix tapes (god, am I really that old??) and his Santana, Crowded House, Bruce Cockburn. So many thoughts just running around in my head.

 

The photos are harder still. We both look so young in them. Photos of us with our first apartment, our first puppy together, our first house that we bought, our first ski trip. Photos of us camping, hiking, canoeing and kayaking. All the things we loved to do. So many smiles and memories that come flooding back in. Of course my mom is in there, my dad too. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a thousand lifetimes with the number of people I've lost.

 

But the hardest thing of all were the travel books. Isn't that weird? So many places we dreamed of going - Nepal, Norway, China, Barbados, New Zealand. Some we made it to, others we didn't.

 

But the lost dreams were pretty much summed up in those travel books.

 

 

[tybec]

Good to see you on here! 

 

But the lost dreams were pretty much summed up in those travel books

.

 

I just passed 6 yrs. LH's birthday was Friday.  So much.  I think it is why it takes so long to let things go.  The memories!  I think you nailed it.

 

I think I avoided it so much.  A purge here and then 6 months later and then a year later.  All my wounded heart could tolerate.  And now my son and I are in a new house. Still purging.  Still hard to decide what to keep and let go.  Maybe my son will want it, maybe not?  And the emotions going through it. 

 

Thanks for sharing.  Get it.

[sojourner]

I hear you about the purging, hikermom. I've already moved once, and didn't get half the purging done that needed doing beforehand. That added unnecessary expense to the move, in addition to more stuff in boxes I don't have room for here. I'm contemplating another move, and find now I'm in a better frame of mind for it. 

 

LH wasn't into keeping alot of stuff around that wasn't practical. There're various tools around, for example, but I'm keeping those. (Truth is I'm more handy in a number of ways than he was, and probably used them more anyway.) His old school turntable and stereo stuff- keeping that. I've been weeding through old books- textbooks, going. Novels, keeping at least for now. Still, everything I do purge, like his golf clubs or dvds he liked that I don't watch, is like another stab wound to the heart reminding me he's never coming back, and that there is no more *we,* it's now only *me.*

 

Old paperwork records and kids' stuff are additional mental/emotional obstacles, plus stuff I'm still going through from his late mother, and my own mother and late father's stuff from when they downsized. Things like dishes and furniture from them is gradually being dispersed as my kids set up their own apartments. But old baby stuff and school stuff- that's tough. My plan is to whittle it down to one smallish box of childhood momentos per child. But reliving all the memories in the process- it's tough! 

 

Somewhere, I know there's still a case of his cassettes hiding, too!

[Leadfeather]

I started purging last summer in preparation for a move next year. The easy stuff. Filled a dumpster with scrap lumber, old furniture, every single box from every single thing we ever purchased. (Not sure why we had to save all that stuff anyway.) I actually threw the lumber away twice, once when she was alive, she explained that it was useful and pulled it out of the dumpster and once after she had passed. I looked up, metaphorically, and explained to her that yes I was right this lumber is not worth saving.

 

Now comes the harder stuff to purge. She kept a shoebox for every year of her life since middle school. Each one labeled and filled with memories, photos, menus, ticket stubs etc. All of it is priceless and valueless at the same time. The boxes take up a closet worth of space. And in them are memories of our times together and our sons lives. I am both looking forward to sorting through them and dreading it but someday it will need to be done. If only to set aside the things worth saving for the boys and the things that have no value to anyone but her. I have no desire to read the letters from her high school sweetheart and at the same time it feels wrong to just throw them in a dumpster. Wedding dress, pressed flowers, ticket stubs to our first concert. Sometime this summer I will invite her best friend, or my sister, or someone over just to sit with me as I start the process. But it is going to be a sunny day, with the window open and a breeze blowing in brining the smell of green leaves and flowers before I even think about going through all of that.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hikermom,

 

It has taken me a little while to respond to your post; it hits so close to home.  I have purged two houses now, one for each husband.  The second was harder.  John kept so many mementos, and being a geographer, he had a full file drawer of maps from everywhere imaginable.  We also traveled a lot and had dreams for so much more travel to come.

 

It is hard letting go of our dreams, isn't it?

 

I have come to the conclusion, though, that it is hard to have a future if I stay in the past.  I hold onto some of those memories, but I had to let some things go.  The process is hard, but I don't really miss the things that were all stored to begin with.  My life has become more simplified, and I think that is a good thing, too.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Leadfeather]

It is hard letting go of our dreams, isn't it?

 

I think this is the heart of it. It is not the things, they are just things; it is not even the memories, I have those no matter what I do with the things; it is the realization that there will never be a chance to make new memories with that person who was so integral to the life we expected to have. Purging is a reminder of that. Every time an object stirs up old memories it is a reminder that new ones can not be made with her/him.

[Trying]

The forced purging of moving and downsizing was the push I needed.  It was very difficult and I was emotional mess because I was only 2 years out but there is definitely something to be said about purging.  My life is so different now than when DH was alive and purging was one way of accepting that, a new home was another.  Letting go of the dreams we had of holidays in our home with our future grandchildren, the traveling we would do when the kids were grown, the projects around the house, it's all part of this journey we didn't sign up for.

 

Oh and I must admit that purging brought on some anger too.  DH saved everything and owned 3 of every tool and piece of sporting equipment.  Going through 20+years of paparerwork, receipts and old bills had me screaming and cursing at him and gave me a break from sadness and nostalgia!  A certain satisfaction came from throwing out and donating the many things I complained for years about cluttering up our home.

 

Good luck with the sale of your house and the move, take care of yourself as the stress builds.

[Toosoon2.0]

HM, Congrats on selling your house -- hopefully we will be next!  I have found letting go of certain things extremely disorienting and logic defying.  I'm so grateful that I impulsively cleared out the studio (where I also found a box of cassettes including Kid Rock....???)  one day in year two.  I called up one of my former students who got Scott's job when he got sick and just asked him to take everything away and he did.  I'd be hard pressed now to let go so easily. 

 

But in looking seriously at moving for the first time, and possibly to Europe, I have had to seriously face "You cant take it with you."  Sometimes I find that liberating; other times I find that terrifying.  We have a bookshelf in our dining room.  A barrister bookcase I was given when I finished my degree.  Its been in both of the houses we owned with the same books in it, in the same order for more than 12 years.  Its become this weird untouchable symbolic thing for me.  Like a security blanket.  It contains - you will not be surprised to hear - a ton of outdated guidebooks for the places we went together --- Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia, road trip out west, Rome, San Francisco --- I don't look at those books (or any of the others in there, including my dissertation) but letting go of that book shelf and its contents will be hard when the time comes.  I get it.

 

With pictures, I'm going to face this one too.  There are thousands from the times when we actually used to print photos.  I think I will hire someone to digitize them for me when the time comes. 

 

There is a room in my basement full of boxes from our 2010 move to this house.  I have looked at them a few times but never opened any of them.  I cannot even fathom dealing with them.  Those boxes predate this ordeal.  They come from a life that seems very far away to me now, almost like it never happened. 

 

Sending you and S all kinds of love.  New beginnings are hopeful things.  xoxo

[Peony]

Found some of his old mix tapes (god, am I really that old??) and his Santana, Crowded House, Bruce Cockburn. So many thoughts just running around in my head.

 

hikermom,

 

This would be so hard because they are so personally DH.  Plus, they capture a specific moment in time.

 

The travel books would be hard because they are so personally and exclusively just the two of you.  They touch that part of your heart where only the two of you existed.

 

 

 

Still, everything I do purge, like his golf clubs or dvds he liked that I don't watch, is like another stab wound to the heart reminding me he's never coming back, and that there is no more *we,* it's now only *me.*

 

sojourner,

 

This was definitely me as well.

[hikermom]

I think this is the heart of it. It is not the things, they are just things; it is not even the memories, I have those no matter what I do with the things; it is the realization that there will never be a chance to make new memories with that person who was so integral to the life we expected to have. Purging is a reminder of that. Every time an object stirs up old memories it is a reminder that new ones can not be made with her/him.

 

This nails it. I was having a hard time putting it into words, even in my own head. But you stated it so well here.

 

Today I've got a bit of flashback hangover - and am back to leaking like I haven't done for a long time. Not really crying, just those slow, quiet tears that fall of their own volition without warning.

 

Some days I feel so alone. Thank you all for reminding me there is a whole tribe out there!

[MikeR]

Just a word about photographs -

 

It's coming up on 12 years for me. About a year ago, I went through several boxes of photos and other memorabilia from Cathryn's high school days. I don't know anyone in the photos (well, except her) and obviously my kids don't either. Her parents are gone and I don't keep in touch with her sisters so there's no one who can relate to anything in those boxes. As another poster said, priceless but worthless.

 

I decided to get rid of them. They were useless to us now. I'm sure she worked hard to put those albums together and it almost felt like I was erasing her younger days. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Less clutter is a good thing for us (we had a lot of clutter for too long and it really affected our lives negatively).

 

That got me thinking about other photos/memorabilia. The family photos will obviously mean something to my kids. But MY teen photos already don't. I guess while I'm alive I'll keep them. But I fully expect my kids to toss them once I'm gone. Actually, I did that recently with my parents' photos. I'm sort of the family historian and all the family photos were entrusted to me. I scanned most of them and sent them to my brothers. But any photo where I couldn't identify at least one person got tossed.

 

And so it will continue to go - from generation to generation. My kids will one day have photos that THEIR kids will toss. Thinking about it that way makes it easier to keep some that are important to me (the ones with Cathryn in them) and not keep all the rest.

 

Mike

 

[ScienceFan]

I started purging last summer in preparation for a move next year. The easy stuff. Filled a dumpster with scrap lumber, old furniture, every single box from every single thing we ever purchased. (Not sure why we had to save all that stuff anyway.) I actually threw the lumber away twice, once when she was alive, she explained that it was useful and pulled it out of the dumpster and once after she had passed. I looked up, metaphorically, and explained to her that yes I was right this lumber is not worth saving.

 

Now comes the harder stuff to purge. She kept a shoebox for every year of her life since middle school. Each one labeled and filled with memories, photos, menus, ticket stubs etc. All of it is priceless and valueless at the same time. The boxes take up a closet worth of space. And in them are memories of our times together and our sons lives. I am both looking forward to sorting through them and dreading it but someday it will need to be done. If only to set aside the things worth saving for the boys and the things that have no value to anyone but her. I have no desire to read the letters from her high school sweetheart and at the same time it feels wrong to just throw them in a dumpster. Wedding dress, pressed flowers, ticket stubs to our first concert. Sometime this summer I will invite her best friend, or my sister, or someone over just to sit with me as I start the process. But it is going to be a sunny day, with the window open and a breeze blowing in brining the smell of green leaves and flowers before I even think about going through all of that.

I have a hard time throwing away things like that, too.

I read an idea once to take photos of things you want to throw away because the photos take up less space. I do it sometimes.

I still have my stuffed animal collection from when I was a kid, but when I have to move, I will take photos first, then discard the toys.

I think it's a great idea to have her best friend or your sister sit with you. They might even be able to offer insight.

One 'rule' I used when I was discarding my late husband's things... if I had an emotional reaction to the item, I kept it, if I didn't, I let it go.

I haven't cleared out his sock drawer yet... it's almost been 9 years.

[Abitlost]

I have a house full of DH's stuff. I go on mini-purges from time to time. Sometimes I get frustrated with all his stuff that I don't know what to do with or is too heavy that I can't manage it. Fortunately I can just close the door to his basement office and ignore it for the most part.

 

But there is also a lot I will never discard. I like running into reminders of what a happy life we led and how much love we shared. When I find little treasures, I don't collect them or place them in a box, rather I leave them as they were so that I can happen upon them and feel that love again next time.

[jeudi]

hikermom-

 

Great post and great thing to think about. It is so poignant reading everyone's answers, thoughts, etc.

 

I've moved and did the purge already, many years ago. I kept some of my LH's things but not much as much of what he had and cherished could be turned into cash I needed over time. After so much time, other than pictures, I've kept a hat, a pair of boxer shorts, a dolphin pendant that is now on my charm bracelet, his social security card and driver's licence and his college diploma and birth certificate. A book he contributed to.  (I do still have many items that were "ours" together and of course things he gave me as gifts)

 

It is my practice to keep financial records for ten years and now I'm past the time when boxes of paperwork have stuff that related to my life with LH. No more the once a year task to purge - to go through the boxes of cancelled checks and receipts to shred and see little windows into how our life used to be. The last of these was four years ago (at that point it had been 11 years) and what I found was mostly sad- the cancer year. Receipts for meds, medical stuff. Even a cancelled check for the barber shop where he got his head shaved after his first round of chemo.

 

I still have so many great memories but those memories are largely fixed (you remember what you remember until something or someone gives your brain a nudge) and those boxes of paperwork were rich with things that stirred my memories. So, even though it was often hard to open those boxes of paperwork, especially that last box from our last year, now I don't have anything like that anymore.]

 

It is as if my past with LH is truly just a reflection in a mirror. Frozen. Static. No longer with any semblance of the dynamics of a life that is being lived. It is a life that was LIVED. I think that is the hard part of letting go of those things that fit into boxes.

 

These are my thoughts about this.

[baywebbshelton]

3 years later and I'm still purging. It takes time and extreme emotional stamina to go through it all. These days I just part with things that make me too sad to look at, and others that never mattered when he was alive and I held onto it for my own sake. Just take your time, do what feels right.

 

There's no time limit or schedule for grief and processing it.

[Bunny]

Now comes the harder stuff to purge. She kept a shoebox for every year of her life since middle school. Each one labeled and filled with memories, photos, menus, ticket stubs etc.

 

Wow. To me, that sounds like an awesome interactive art installation of some sort. Like- a time capsule of what the average person’s life was like during all those well-documented years...couldn’t you offer the collection to the Smithsonian or something...or would that feel too invasive? I’m just so impressed by her diligence.

[beth_krkswidow]

Haven't even hegun purging. His jeans are still hanging in the bathroom. At 18 months I finally took down the shirt hanging in the bathroom (what he was going to wear the next day the last night he was home) and sent it to my friend who made a pillow out of it. But at almost 22 months still can't move anything

[MR]

Started little bit yesterday after 19 months by taking her clothes out and asking DD to select what she wants and rest can be donated. Big step but trying to finally take it.

[Newgirl]

It's great to see you post, hikermom!

 

I wish you the best, I sold my house and moved last year. I purge bit by bit, and tell myself that in order to make room for the future, clutter needs to go.

 

One suggestion is to take the photos someplace that will scan them and then have them made into a book.

 

You deserve the best, and I hope you find it.

[Mac]

I've been having some success. I've been donating and selling some stuff. I've also been encouraging my daughter and my son to take things that they want now, rather than waiting for when that day comes.

[Leadfeather]

Today I posted my late wife's favorite bicycle to Facebook marketplace. It was not fun but I keep remembering that it is just a thing. She no longer cares about it. And I still have my memories of us riding together. Purging. The gift that keeps on giving.

 

[candace0902]

Its been a little over 6 years for me.  I decided last year to sell; the house is just to big and expensive for me. I was excited to view homes on zillow and realtor; and  I am actually working with a realtor to fix the cosmetic repairs; painting, replacing kitchen linoleum etc and have actually looked at a few homes.

 

But the thought of leaving this house forever always bring pain.  It was the last place where he was alive and when we were an "us" instead of the lonely "I".  This was supposed to be our "Chapter Two", a new beginning for us.  He was retired and I could affor to only work part time. He wanted to see Mount Rushmore, The Grand Canyon, spend a week in Maine coast relaxing, exploring and eating lobster.

 

We only lived here for four months so it doesnt really make sense. I've moved on, slowly, but this feels like I am shutting the door and saying good bye forever.  I wish he could just be back this one last time to help me through it.  I know what he would say, in his slow southern drawl  "It's ok honey, its just a house.  I am always here " and hug me and give me his goofy smile.

 

 

[Leadfeather]

I have decided to move sometime after the summer and before the following spring. Which means I need to actively start purging.

 

Yesterday I started going through the memory boxes, as they fill up a closet AND a large antique chest it is going to take a while. The first "official" box was labeled "1987". Which was several years before I met her. There was also an accordion file filled with stuff from even earlier. So I started on those two things.

 

I sorted out photos of people I know. Her family and friends might like those photos of themselves from so long ago.

 

She really packed a lot into these boxes. It looks like she saved all of the stuff she hung up in her high school locker in here as well. Pictures of James Dean and male Calvin Kline underwear models, letters from old boyfriends and pen pals from Germany, a little mylar ballon with a four leaf clover and the slogan "Get Lucky". It was bittersweet to see a part of her past that was packed away when she was younger than my sons are now, and so full of life and promise.

 

Skipped over to 1992, the year we got married. A lot more got saved out of this box. Sorted the photos. Set most aside but threw away those that were poorly shot and have no context. Threw away all of the congratulations on your marriage card as well as the RSVP responses and the copious notes on wedding planning. It was interesting to see her calendar for the month of out wedding, it was packed with meetings and fittings and salon visits. As a 23 year old guy, I was clueless back then about all the details that lead up to that day, I had a tux, and I had to be at the church at a certain time, my job was done.

 

Finally I contacted an Angel Gowns of Michigan. This week I will ship her wedding dress to them to become burial clothing for infants. Between the births of our two sons we had three miscarriages. I know it would be something she would like done with that dress if she had known about it. It is a small thing but I picture this bit of cloth binding them together in some way and her holding these infants in heaven.

 

Ended the day by driving to Lake Michigan and watching the waves roll into shore. Needed that break watching something so vast and majestic helps.

 

So two boxes down only 28+ to go.