Am I justified in feeling offended?

[Abitlost]

I have an old friend who has chided me for many years about Social Security. My husband died when our youngest child was very young, and Survivor's Benefits will extend until after high school graduation. This friend has inquired several times over the years as to how much I collect (is this any of his business??) and when I decline to answer he presses on that I am "taking" more than DH put in. He laments that he will never get back what he puts in. I have told him that DH wanted nothing more than for that to be the case for him as well, and have asked him to lay off the topic. Still he keeps bringing it back up, which I find rather disrespectful. He insists as a taxpayer, he has the right to know since he is paying for my house (!!!)  :-\

 

Twice recently he asked about my relationship status with my new guy...are we going to get married? (He is the only person to broach that by the way.) Both times I responded that it is not something we are discussing at this time, and nonetheless it would not be financially prudent of me to do so before the age of 60, because (just like every widow/er), since we were married more than ten years I am entitled to collect on DH's SS record (which is greater than mine since I spent so many years out of the workforce being an extreme caregiver, and then raising my kids as an only-living parent), but only if I am unmarried at age 60. Both times he told me to do him and all the taxpayers of America a favor and get married.

 

I take great offense to those comments.

 

Even if NG and I were in that space, it is not "gaming the system" if I chose to remain unmarried. Following the rules that I didn't make to maximize my retirement is just as much a part of financial planning as tax-loss harvesting or IRA contributions.

 

This is just mostly a vent. And maybe a request for a better way to respond to this friend's insults.

[Julester3]

This is offensive. It is none of his business and what you get comes from your spouse's contribution through the years they worked. Everyone's amounts are calculated based on that. We all don't get the same magical amount.

 

You are essentially getting benefit your spouse will never be able to collect. We aren't mooching off all the tax payers out there. Your acquaintance should learn to research and get educated before opening his mouth!

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow. This guy is way out of line. All of this is none of his damn business. I think I would just say my private life is not up for discussion and walk away. What a bonehead.

Hugs

[tybec]

Out of line.  Amazing that folks think they can know about your private affairs.

 

He isn't thinking it through. Had your husband lived, and maybe lived into his 90s, the SS would be way more than they paid in during their work life. 

With kids, you only have 18 yrs. max if the kid was just born!  So, there is no way us receiving the SS survival benefits is more for our kids than what possibly our spouses could have collected. 

 

As for playing the system, I am humbled about that. I had thoughts about it, too, before being placed in this system. Was called out here for "taking the government cheese."  Well, I guess working the system, whether being the taxes we have paid into to get SS, the stock market, maximizing our assets is the way of the world. Funny the double standard.

 

Oh, you know a first wife/spouse gets SS from the working deceased spouse. How does that make sense?  A spouse of  10 yrs., who could be divorced for 30 gets SS off first married spouse if they do not remarry. Wow. The system is full of inconsistencies. 

 

So, dealing with your friend?  Depends on your relationship.  Broken Record approach? "I don't want or need to discuss this with you.  PLease stop asking."  Specific, respectful and clear over and over until he "hears" you?  Worst case, avoid time with him?  I am sure you know all this, but doing it is the hard part. Good luck!

[sojourner]

This brings to mind the old saying, "With friends like that, you don't need enemies."

 

Friends don't treat you that way. If he just will not let it drop, I'd avoid seeing him. To me, he's crossed the line from being out of line to harrassing you.

 

Alternately, you can ask him how much money he makes, how much he pays in taxes, what exactly he takes for deductions, what kind of birth control he and his wife use, etc., all out of concern to figure how much he's paying for you!  8)  And give him the bill for your next house payment directly, to leave out the bother of the gov't middleman!  8)

 

 

[trying2breathe]

I would take great offense to these comments too.  As if widowhood isn't difficult enough    I too have a friend that asks specifics about social security (I don't currently collect benefits) and medical insurance - he seems intent on finding out how I'm gaming the system.  Ughhhh ....

[Forgottenwife]

I don't even know your 'friend,' but really? The things people stick their noses in when we are widowed. I wonder if he would ask these questions of a man?

 

Wow. I had friends offer to help with mortgage payments, a Dad that worried if we had enough food in the house, and eventually a boyfriend that was relieved and comforted my surviving son drew social security while he was a minor. For someone to say you are gaming the system? Or you should do the taxpayers a favor and get married? I'm literally gobsmacked.

 

I'd simply say 'That's not your business, Thanks for the groceries.'

 

 

[Trying]

Unbelievably offensive and ignorant as well!  If he brings it up again I put a strong end to the topic.  "Your feelings on this topic seem to have more to do with your issues than the system that has been put in place.  DH worked hard and contributed to social security for many years.  I would much rather have him here, collecting in his retirement until he was 100 but since that is not possible I am grateful that he provided for our son by being a hard working tax payer.  This is the last time I will discuss this with you."

 

And as a taxpayer he is not paying for your house.  This is not welfare. What an ass!

[Toosoon2.0]

ABL - I'm sorry to hear that your friend is being so inappropriate, invasive and insensitive; his logic is also deeply flawed.  Um, I guess I feel like the sudden and subsequent lifetime loss of more than half of our household income pales in comparison to the small monthly payment my daughter receives.  Maybe he should chew on that for a while....

 

People can be so insensitive. 

[Abitlost]

Thanks all. This guy has been my friend for 30 years. His justification for his multiple unwelcome jabs about Social Security is that he has extraordinary frustration over his immense tax burden. He makes more than a $250K a year, has a net worth of $7 Million, and is looking to inherit a portion of his mother’s $50 Million estate at some point (he likes to share that information and tries to bait me into telling him what my values are!!…sorry, that is not information I share!!), yet he feels there is such inequity. He is unmarried with no children, so he laments his taxes are too high.

 

Since DH died, he has said many things that are out of line. I call him on it every time, and twice took a break from the friendship telling him to stop attacking me (he doesn’t see it that way, rather he thinks that I am overly sensitive). Still it continues. I think I’m done, which is sad and hard since we span three decades….

[Euf]

I'm another one chiming in to say "this guy is out of line".

 

Sucks to have such a tax burden.  LOL.  You are NOT overly sensitive.

 

I get that it is sometimes hard to let people from our past go, but he seems to be clueless.

[Trying]

Boo hoo for the poor rich guy!  Maybe he should be doing some more charitable work with his money to save on his tax burden. 

[jeudi]

 

The O'Jays said it best:

 

I know money is the root of all evil

Do funny things to some people

Give me a nickel, brother can you spare a dime

Money can drive some people out of their minds

 

Abitlost- your friend has no happiness in his life. Just sacks of cash. No wife, no kids. For some reason that doesn't surprise me.

 

Can't take it with you.

It doesn't buy happiness.

 

And now he is going to lose a thirty year friendship over his unhealthy relationship with it.

 

That's what we call the backwards cha-ching.

 

 

[jeudi]

and another thought...

 

how is it gaming the system if you are accepting the help that has been set up by the govt for just such situations.

 

Wouldn't gaming the system be if you, for instance, married several men that you murdered so you could collect their social security ( after waiting until you turned 60 of course).

 

You are def justified in feeling offended. The guy is offensive. P-U.

[Abitlost]

The things I eluded to that I call him out on (in addition to the SS remarks) are little jabs here and there that put me on defense of my friends, my kids, my family, and myself. Sometimes he says he was just joking or that he was critical of me because I am of him, and other times he sincerely doesn't see how what he says is hurtful. A series of those events in recent weeks prompted me to take another break from the friendship, which he declared was overreacting, but I'm not sure a friendship in which I get off the phone wondering how I let him engage me in topics that I told him are off limits is worth holding onto.

 

He really is an interesting character. When I met him, he walked around his studio apartment in a down coat and winter cap when it was 20 degrees outside because he would only turn the heat on for an hour a day. He wouldn't run the a/c in his car because it used too much fuel. Still today he shares a phone plan and digital newspaper subscription with his brother, doesn't own a TV, and hates consumerism. If he buys produce that doesn't taste the way he likes, he takes it back. I never knew he came from such wealth until a couple years ago he started complaining that he felt his mother was giving away too much money and he is afraid he won't get his share. He honestly is worried that he doesn't have enough money should something like runaway inflation hit.

 

[Portside]

 

He really is an interesting character.

 

When I met him, he walked around his studio apartment in a down coat and winter cap when it was 20 degrees outside because he would only turn the heat on for an hour a day. He wouldn't run the a/c in his car because it used too much fuel. Still today he shares a phone plan and digital newspaper subscription with his brother, doesn't own a TV, and hates consumerism. If he buys produce that doesn't taste the way he likes, he takes it back. I never knew he came from such wealth until a couple years ago he started complaining that he felt his mother was giving away too much money and he is afraid he won't get his share.

 

Goodness, this guy is a lunatic. You've given many examples and besides, although you describe him as a friend, he doesn't act like it.

 

Unload him and uncomplicate your life.

 

He takes more from you than he adds.

 

Good luck - Mike

[BrokenHeart2]

Widow humor....hahaha Jeudi, you kill me!

"Wouldn't gaming the system be if you, for instance, married several men that you murdered so you could collect their social security ( after waiting until you turned 60 of course)." hahaha too much lol

Abitlost, doesn't sound like you'd be losing much of a friend if you ask me! He sounds like he's not a well person.

Hugs.

 

[Bunny]

Gee, what a “shocker” that someone who wants for nothing (it’s his choice to do without not actual need) is resentful of the pittance you are receiving from the government. That would be like me being pissed I never had kids but pay taxes towards public schools. Something I have never felt because I actually understand what it means to be a member of society, that none of us stands completely alone, we are ALL inter-connected and should ALL be concerned for our fellow man because it benefits us in so many ways both hidden and obvious. That kind of myopic vision always astounds me. It shows a lack of logical thinking - and no ability whatever to have sympathy or empathy for another’s predicament.

 

And to whine that his mother is spending HER money before he can inherit it, even though he did NOTHING to deserve it is hilarious to me. The man has no sense of the absurd at all.

 

As for our country’s social welfare programs / SS- they are such a tiny drop in the bucket, even with all the ‘abuses’ going on, compared to the rest of the country’s budget. And even though as a childless widow I get nothing, I don’t resent those with children, though I too lost the family breadwinner when my husband died. Because, again, what is so terribly immoral and horrible about making sure everyone is being taken care of? Even when they don’t ‘deserve’ it.

 

Okay. jumping off my soapbox now. As usual, what he thinks about you has nothing to do with you whatsoever and everything to do with his own issues. Decide, as best you can, not to take it personally, because it’s really not. But it sure sounds super annoying!

[twistedmensa]

There's a reason this syphilis-dripping ass-maggot is alone. Just sayin' ;D Let him wallow in his misery.

[Leadfeather]

He is a jerk. you need friends who build you up not tear you down.

 

"You have the right and responsibility to surround yourself with people who are good for the best part of you."

 

 

Jordan B Peterson - Good Friend vs. Bad Friend

[faye]

How sad.  Have you ever been so blunt as to say, "If you keep this up, we won't be associating with one another any more" ?

 

I get him, really. I'm cheap, too. My ancestors weren't prosperous enough to accrue any wealth like that. The system was set up to care for widows and orphans.

 

I had a roommate in college who told me she might not  have been able to afford college if her father hadn't died; the SS benefits were more, she said, than her father would have ever saved.

 

I had another friend whose father had been declared dead some years before.  She received a letter from the Social Security administration stating that they had uncovered new information that her father was alive, and that her benefits were being terminated. Back then SS paid through college up to the age of 22, I think.

 

I don't think I'll be getting married again, myself.  Significant other is being treated for cancer.  Although a spouse isn't responsible for other debts, where I live, they can be held accountable for medical bills.

[Abitlost]

I have been pointing out his peculiarities and offenses, but there is much intelligence and fun times with this guy, too, which is why I have been friends with him. I have, for the third time now, very clearly expressed that I won't tolerate his treatment of me, given clear examples, and told him I was stepping away from the friendship because of it. He is trying hard to convince me not to terminate the friendship, promising to change. I am not convinced that he can change, or that I should reconsider given the history. I have no such issues with any other relationship in my life, and this is a drain.

 

He never treated me this way when DH was alive, and in recent years, despite my warnings, his behavior has declined. I'm kind of wondering if it is tied either to mental illness (which runs in his family, with his brother being on SS Disability because of it - ironic when you consider his feelings on SS Survivor's Benefits) or a biological change in the brain due to aging. A few years ago he had an MRI done which showed more atrophy than the neurologist would expect for someone of his age. Neither of those things justify his behavior, but they would explain it.

[jgib]

THAT is no friend of yours......

[Elle]

He sounds like a very eccentric individual. This subject is rightfully your own private business.  I would  not ruminate too much about what he says to you.  I don’t think you will be able to change him.  I’d just change the subject matter when he starts talking about it.  If he asks these questions in front of other people it would un-nerve me even more.  Hopefully, he has not.  You could try to come up with a good retort to his prying questions.  Such as, “I don’t have time now to discuss this, I have to go”.  Or, to his question how much do you receive? - “Not enough”.    I have a feeling this might not be the only busy-body question he has ever asked.  I’d just fluff it off and change the subject.