Women That Don't Like Sex

[StillWidowed]

So I have a question for you wid daters out there.  I'm getting a lot of men stating that they are running across women that don't like sex.  Mind you, I'm talking about women in their 40's and 50's (my age range).  The men aren't creeps, but feel the need to ask pretty quickly if I still like sex.  I'm not taking this defensively, instead am quite intrigued by the amount of women that truly don't enjoy or want sex anymore.  I know this because some of my girlfriends feel this way.  I very much still like and want sex as a part of my life, but only within the confines of a loving, nurturing relationship.  Do the men have a legitimate complaint/question?  Is it one that should be asked before you even meet a person?  I wouldn't want to be with a man that didn't like or want to have sex.  But I certainly wouldn't be asking that question within the first few exchanges.  Are these men trying to weed out the cold fish early on, so they don't waste time? Or is this a ploy to find out if I'm a casual sex kinda gal?  Curious as to your opinions. 

 

 

[Portside]

I think it's a ploy.

 

And I'm a guy. I'd never discuss sex, in any fashion, during the first or second date or by texting. And believe me, I like it a lot.

 

Maybe I'm weird, but if a woman has signed up for a dating site, I'd assume that she eventually would enjoy an intimate relationship with the right guy at the right time. If not, she's looking for a friend - which is fine of course, just check the right box when developing your profile.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Leadfeather]

Pretty much what Portside said. Sounds like a ploy to me.

[Julester3]

I think they are weeding out as well. I have gotten similar questions early by a few men looking to see, as I would phrase, an easy lay. One guy once tried to "convince" me if I didn't put out on the first date that I'm doing the dating thing all wrong. Nope, it just taught me to tell him and his kind to kindly go away, be patient, and keep looking!

[trying2breathe]

I started dating again a little over a year ago, and haven't had any questions like this.

 

Do the men have a legitimate complaint/question?  Is it one that should be asked before you even meet a person? 

 

Umm, no.

[BrokenHeart2]

Sounds like a pretty classless thing to do.  I'd think it's a ploy.

[Abitlost]

I had one guy whom I was texting for a couple days with a plan to meet later that week ask me that question as well, stating he was coming out of a sexless relationship and just wanted to make sure he didn't waste his time. He was promptly blocked.

 

Two other guys asked me on my feelings on sex during our first date. They were also blocked.

 

Another guy told me on our second date that these days a woman had to "put out" in some fashion by the third date or men moved on to the next.

 

That block feature is very handy.

[Virgo]

I don't doubt that some women have a low sex drive, some men do too, but I think it's more of a ploy for casual sex. I am 42 and have a high sex drive. I always have. I hope that never changes. ☺

[Trying]

Sounds like a ploy to me.  My late DH had some medical issues that affected his sex drive and he was not open to admitting it, discussing it or working around it.  I have a pretty healthy sex drive (48 now) and waited until things had progressed in my new relationship to have the discussion that an active sex life is important to me.  I can understand not wanting to progress to full commitment at this age without knowing that drives are compatible but it should definitely not be brought up in the initial courting phase. 

 

Dating is so strange these days.

[Toosoon2.0]

I might sound like an outdated old traditional person but I met my now husband four years ago on the former iteration of this site.  We wrote to each other for six months before we met and never once talked about sex. 

 

I think sex is a very personal and private thing two people share in their own way. It is not about procreation when we are in our 40s and 50s - it is about intimacy, comfort, communication, empathy and love. 

 

I'd skip those men who seem to have other ideas.  You deserve better.  xx

[jgib]

Interesting.  I personally don’t know any women that don’t like sex.  I suppose everyone’s libido is different.

 

As for the question, I feel it is legit if asked and then not brought up again.  I think I would like to know early on if a man I was getting close to didn’t like sex, or was unable to have it for whatever reason.  I am at that age now where it is a possibility. To me, not having a physical relationship is a strong friendship or companionship.  Nothing wrong with that, I have a couple of man friends I am very close to and one I would consider my best friends, we just don’t have close, physical contact.

 

I would like to have the option of deciding whether I wanted to get emotionally closer to someone that wouldn’t be able, or wasn’t willing, to take it to the physical level.

 

I enjoy sex, a lot, and would like it to be part of my next relationship, if that ever happens.  Not into one night stands or hook ups but I do think having a sex life is part of a healthy, committed relationship.

[StillWidowed]

I do believe that a lot of men have been in sexless relationships.  As a woman heads into menopause, it does affect her libido and many women have told me they're so busy fighting hot flashes and sleepless nights, that they don't have the energy or desire for sex.  So I do believe there is a lot of that going on out there and men have either been married to or been in relationships with these women.  For the men that have asked me that, when my response has been that yes, I enjoy sex, but within the confines of a committed relationship, that automatically weeds them out.  I give them the chance to show me where they're really coming from.  Some have stuck around and gotten to know me, and others have bailed.  Just thought it was interesting.

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I've been dating for over 3 1/2 years and have many (gay and straight) male friends and am STILL gobsmacked when dates are sophomoric in trying to have meaningless sex. I can not believe such antiquated gender roles still exist, but they seem to be alive and well. I have had (several) first dates tell me of prior first dates that resulted in sex. Really? A grown ass woman met you online and got into bed with you on the first date? I've had men tell me on a first date how important sex is to them, trying to suss out my interest. My theory is that their marriages became sexless or sex became an issue. They seem to see sexual activity as an independent experience and not based on how a relationship is going: "My wife lost interest in sex." I have NEVER heard: "My wife understandably wasn't drawn to me as she was unhappy with me and our marriage."

 

So yes, I concur, men use sex talk as a ploy. I'm your age (I think) and see no need to discuss sex (unless someone has a health issue) until one is considering the act.

[StillWidowed]

Not all men tho. Just read Dear Abby once in awhile. Many men have written to say that their wives have declared that sex is off the table. These men are heartbroken and very much in love with their wives and have done everything possible to put the spark back into their love lives. From household chores to taking care of the kids to romantic getaways. The women just aren't interested. They love their husbands but would simply like to cuddle from here on out.  I think there are a lot more out there than we'd like to believe. Now are the legitimate men making a mistake by asking right away if a woman still likes sex?  I think so. But I do believe there are men that truly miss that and want sex in their lives again. And of course there are the dogs that are just looking to get laid and want to know sooner rather than later if that steak dinner they just bought you is going to be worth the cost.

[Abitlost]

My Ex-BF was previously in a sexless marriage. He was well aware that the problems in the marriage encompassed far more than lack of physical intimacy, and he had the class not to bring that up on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth...date.

 

I find it tactless to discuss sex on the first date, much less before even meeting. Any man that couldn't "waste" a coffee date to find out if there was chemistry was no man I cared to meet.

[StillWidowed]

I really find all these opinions interesting.  Abitlost, I really liked your comment.  Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend never brought up sex either in the beginning, but was a major asshole in other areas........

[TheWidowWhisperer]

Last night's date reminded me of this post! It was a second date (if you count a 2-hour coffee date as a first date!) and he invited me back to his. Ordinarily I would ROFL but a) I made my intentions crystal clear (as in - NO WAY WILL I DO ANYTHING WITH YOU) and b) he has a prominent professional profile and I gambled he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. Also, I trust him. Oh and I should probably add that I am always curious to see how people live. So we walked 2 blocks to his, I met his cat, had the tour and settled in. He poured a cordial and turned on the movie we came for. He was handsy and progressed to rubbing my shoulders. I kept pulling my shirt back down. The thing is, I didn't feel imperiled, and I loved the idea of watching the movie and talking and getting to know each other. But it felt rather high school (which I articulated) to be fighting off advances. YES, I was in his home, but so what? I enjoy sex, but with someone I KNOW!!! (hence me thinking of this post). He put on his shoes and jacket and walked me to a cab (when I asked) but I could tell he felt rebuffed. This leads me to wonder; do WOMEN ever try and have (or expect) sex with someone they don't know?! I don't think I wouldn't go out with him again based on this, but it does give me pause.

[Leadfeather]

This leads me to wonder; do WOMEN ever try and have (or expect) sex with someone they don't know?! I don't think I wouldn't go out with him again based on this, but it does give me pause.

 

Yes.

 

The first date I went on, actually the meet and greet spend an hour getting to see if this person was someone worth dating not an actual date. At the end of the hour she suggested we get a hotel room.

 

The second date also a meet and greet, with a different woman in a town one over from mine. She suggested we go back to her office.

 

I stopped dating for a while after those two dates, my wife's death was still to raw to deal with it.

[TheWidowWhisperer]

@Leadfeather I've had dates recount similar stories and assumed they were lying! Well, I guess this is my new thing I'll learn today. I suppose, more power to these women, but I'll never really "get" it. Putting aside any safety issues, it's just not how I'm wired.

I DO remember my internist giving me some sort of "protection" lecture early on. He went on to explain that recently divorced women (which he conceded I am not) often engage in sexual behavior that increases their risks of disease. He pointed out that some women coming out of a bad marriage feel they need to affirm their attractiveness or make up for lost time or something. I suppose I understand that...maybe...I don't know. I mean I'm not sure a man wanting to have sex with you should be taken all that personally. Does that sound terrible? Probably. I just mean that by and large, men and women are different in this regard. Maybe men have a healthier perspective about it all. I don't know. I just know that the idea of being physically intimate with a stranger holds no appeal for me.

[StillWidowed]

That's a good point SunshineFL.  I'm not coming at this from being recently widowed or raw.  I'm closer to ten years out.  And at my age, and with menopause, etc being a real factor, many women do have less desire and energy.  So I didn't get my back up so much about it as I found it more interesting.  Like I said, is it a mistake to bring it up so soon?  Absolutely.  So I thought it would be interesting to kinda take a poll and see how others feel about it.  I do believe had I come across this man so soon after being widowed he would have immediately been disqualified.  This far out, I didn't immediately dismiss him, I kept him around for a little bit to delve deeper into the male psyche.  Whether he had a legitimate complaint or was just being a dog's ass, maybe a bit of both, it absolutely turned me off.  I'll continue to remain on my own until I meet the one that I know will love and cherish me and not ask me if I like sex in the first few exchanges.