Still reaching for that new normal.

[Leadfeather]

One day I am up and feel like I can do this I can rebuild my life. The next I am down and doubting everything. It seems to me that when my wife died the pillars of love and trust I built my life on came crashing down and ever since I have fought feelings of unease and insecurity. Somedays I win and somedays I lose. Today I am just keeping my head above the water and telling that little critical voice in my head that whispers to me that life will never be good again to shut the hell up.

 

There is a woman I have been seeing. She lives about an hour away and has young children. We talk by phone almost every day. We text many times throughout the day. And we see each other as often as our schedules allow. Somedays I feel pretty secure in where this is going, other days I feel the opposite. I want more, but the more will only come with time, or maybe it won’t, and the doubt creeps in and sets up shop in my head. My expectations are still calibrated to a long married relationship and my responses and readings of this new relationship are messed up by that calibration. Going back to a relationship that is just starting out after having lived in one that was strong and vibrant is hard.

 

I miss my wife. I miss the stability of a 25 year relationship. I wish she was still here. I want to wake up next to the person I care about, I want to fall asleep listening to their breath. At the same time the dirty little secret that I have not shared is that I am enjoying my time with a new person. I have the chance to experience falling in love for a second time in my life. Maybe a third if this does not work out. A new first kiss. The little half smile on her lips. The smell of her hair.

 

Still reaching for that new normal.

[tybec]

Yes, Yes and yes.

 

Hoping you feel more settled soon.

 

Everything your wrote I have felt on some level.

 

My childhood friend's husband had open heart surgery yesterday after having a heart attack.  I have been so emotional about it.  My love of 28 yrs. is gone.  My wonderful NG, and we are not there yet.  Who to sit with me if a major illness?  The uncertainties.  The insecurities of rebuilding.  The fun of the new, as there was no one except my late husband. The excitement of the qualities NG has that are attractive and so different than LH.  Being in love, but it is fresh, novel and complicated. (Younger guy with younger kids than me, too.)

 

I understand.  I think it is all just a work in progress. 

 

I

[Peony]

Congratulations on finding love again!  That is truly awesome.

 

My expectations are still calibrated to a long married relationship and my responses and readings of this new relationship are messed up by that calibration. Going back to a relationship that is just starting out after having lived in one that was strong and vibrant is hard.

 

I really identify with this since it is exactly the same challenge I have been dealing with myself.  It is a sincere and constant struggle to try and find that perfect balance.  When you are used to operating on that "high level of love" that was once the hallmark of your marriage, it is very difficult to back up and downplay those natural & instinctual emotions.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I do believe that the emotions and experiences with SO's have been elevated to a new level as well.  I wish this wasn't always the case.  But after you have your whole world torn away, all of those "little things" take on a whole new meaning.  Especially if you feel a deep connection and can really see a future with this person.

 

As you said, the more will probably come with time.  I'm sure that it will.  Everything you said sounds very promising.  We just have such a complicated relationship with time now.  Plus, we have been so battered and worn, it's easy to understand how it's difficult to wait!

 

 

[Julester3]

You sound exactly where I am. I miss my husband and the 22 year relationship we built (not to mention an additional 6 years of friendship prior). The NG has hit it on the head: I am reserved and less willing to be candid and open. I simply can't help it. I'm trying to safeguard myself against hurt. He'd notice I can drop my guard here and there but I mostly hold it tight. I know he really likes me but all I can do it try and be honest with him when he asks. It's very odd behavior from me but I I want to cling to my late husband but I know I need to let him go and I'm trying. It's better than nothing and closeting myself at home. I don't feel guilty though but I need to learn and the NG is if anything patient.

 

Hugs and good luck. I find it takes a lot of internal conversation with my inner self to figure things out.

[TheWidowWhisperer]

Yesterday I was thinking about my expectations in dating and/or new relationships and how they are so inextricably linked to what was a happy marriage. How I define partnership and how I understand men is all based on a fully functional and healthy 18-year relationship. This is not necessarily helpful in finding happiness now.

[Leadfeather]

Yesterday I was thinking about my expectations in dating and/or new relationships and how they are so inextricably linked to what was a happy marriage. How I define partnership and how I understand men is all based on a fully functional and healthy 18-year relationship. This is not necessarily helpful in finding happiness now.

 

I agree that at the early stages of dating it is not always helpful. Those early stages are winnowing out the chaff from the grain and I have not had to do that for a long time and I do not like dealing with chaff.

 

I am hoping that in the later stages when building a new relationship with someone who I have found worthy of my full attention that knowledge of what makes a good partnership will come in handy. Because I was in a fully functional and healthy relationship, I know how compromise, sacrifice, respect, trust etc. are the framework needed to build a healthy relationship. Something that can be forgotten in the early stages of infatuation.

[trying2breathe]

I am hoping that in the later stages when building a new relationship with someone who I have found worthy of my full attention that knowledge of what makes a good partnership will come in handy. Because I was in a fully functional and healthy relationship, I know how compromise, sacrifice, respect, trust etc. are the framework needed to build a healthy relationship. Something that can be forgotten in the early stages of infatuation.

 

Yes! ^ I'm dating someone twice divorced -  he doesn't have such a healthy history to draw upon, whereas I've not dealt with significant strife in a long-term relationship.  There are times that I've felt a big disconnect, definitely something to have a conversation with him about.  I've not thought of it in this way before, thank you!

[Mizpah]

I think this is where the nuanced realities of life contradict cliched common wisdom.  We tell each other and ourselves never to compare.  But yet, once we've had something healthy and nourishing and wonderful and fully developed, why would we be satisfied with something lesser?  We know how good things can be. 

 

As time went on, and I became a bit accustomed to life without DH, I started to notice that I felt like I missed him so much more when there was something going on in my life that hurt or wasn't satisfying.  It was the morph from missing him - wanting what was - to wanting more from what my life now could possibly offer.  I realized that I couldn't always distinguish between grief and dissatisfaction with my current person/situation.  And then as time continued on further, I began to realize it was more of the latter than the former.  The transition is bewildering.  Necessary.  Healthy. 

 

I'm babbling.  I guess just lending solidarity.  I've been there.  I'm thinking of you.  I'm wishing you all you hope for and crave, all of you - and me too   

[Captains wife]

Starting over is so hard. And I really feel for those widows/widowers who had long happy marriages. I unf wasn't married long but trying to date as a single working mother (and even exist in a town where I stand out in terms of demographics) was/is so hard. I am 6 years out and it took a long time for my life to feel "normal" again. The good news is that I found out I could get through what we went through and be happy, even though life clearly didn't turn out how I expected. And I learned with dating to dial back my expectations - it just wasn't going to be the same as my prior married line, with my son's father. But I could still have fun with it and have new, different experiences. Wishing you all the best

[twin_mom]

I thought  many times when first dating again that the greatest gift my husband left with me with is the knowledge of unconditional love. What it was to have someone in my corner, their support, the companionship, the compromising through our differences... it's a wonderful gift. The largest curse my husband left me with though? Unconditional love. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, what it takes to make it work long-term.... and some of those early meets/dates it would take 5 minutes to realize the guy didn't have it- which would prevent me from being able to just relax and enjoy the adult company and change of scenery for a bit.