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Hello,

 

I'm new here. My husband died on November 13, 2017-- 6 weeks after our wedding and 2 weeks after our honeymoon.

 

He was only 27. We thought he had the flu, or was just sick. It was a Monday morning, and I went to work. He told me he was going to try and get a few more hours of sleep before going into work.

 

I hadn't heard from him in a few hours, so I left work to check on him. As soon as I walked in the front door, I knew. I don't know how I knew...but I just did. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe it was our soul connection. I don't know.

 

I found him on the bed. He had been gone for hours at that point. I can't get it out of my head.

 

We were together for 10 years. We met at age 15, were friends, starting dating at 17, went to college together, lived together, did everything together.

 

The autopsy report came back a few weeks ago. He had salmonella. Somehow, it had gotten out of hand and got into his bloodstream, which effected his organs.

 

He died of myocarditis related to the salmonella bacteria, which is an inflamed heart.

 

I still can't accept it, I still don't. It seems like such a stupid, preventable death.

 

Pretty much just been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to survive. I had to go back to work 3 weeks after his death.

 

I have no children.

 

I'm so lonely. Grateful to have found this message board.

 

Hugs to all.

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Hi, Cyndi,

 

I am so sorry you lost your beloved husband.  You deserved a lifetime into old age with him.  There aren't so many widows your age and I imagine you feel very much alone in this whole ordeal.  I'm glad you found us.  I'm on the older side here, but there are others who are much younger than me and I hope some will read your post and reach out to share their experiences.

 

I lost my second husband very unexpectedly of heart issues and the shock of his death was tremendous for me.  You are doing what I did - putting one foot in front of the other.  There isn't much else we can do at first.  We take things one day at a time and eventually, the weight of the loss feels less heavy.

 

You will never forget the important things of your life with your husband.  You will survive this and begin to live a life you never expected or wanted.  Right now - life might seem to be all about loss.  It will not always be this way, but your life with and the loss of your husband will always be a part of who you are.

 

Hang in there.  Write and vent and share your story and experiences.  This website and its predecessor have been a critical part of my post-widowhood life.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words, Maureen.

 

I am also very sorry your second husband passed away. Life just isn't fair, it makes no sense.

 

I look forward to spending more time on this forum. None of us want to be here, but it helps to be able to relate to people in similar situations.

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I'm so sorry. 

 

You say it seems so stupid and preventable, and I didn't struggle with denial in the common sense, but I became a bit fixated at times on the idea that what occurred was so unlikely to have occurred that it could not possibly have occurred, though of course it did and I never had any doubt about that.  It sounds crazy, but perhaps you can relate.  (My DH - who was 28 - was hit by a car while he was on the sidewalk, so totally different but also - what are the chances?  How could this have occurred?) 

 

I too went back to work quickly, and we also didn't yet have children.  We also did everything together.

Everything felt empty once he was gone, I felt I was in exile - from him, from us, from my true home, the world that was him and me.  Everything you say about how you're feeling sounds completely normal, and so hard.  You won't always just be putting one foot in front the other, though at your stage, hearing that would've angered me (I'm now somehow nearly 7 years out).  The suffering was nearly unbearable, but I didn't want to feel better, not in a world in which he was gone. 

 

We all understand.  I'm thinking of you. 

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Hi Cyndi,

I was 29 when Tom died. That was 2 1/2 years ago. He also died suddenly. The shock was so intense I don't remember most of the first year. It is very hard to make sense of something so senseless. One min they are here the next they are gone. I spent a long time going over the "what ifs" and "if onlys". I don't do that much anymore. I have found out that death comes swiftly, in so many different ways, and there is rarely any time to react until it is too late. We also did not have a chance to have children, so I know how extremely lonely it feels now. I never knew that it was possible to feel so alone. I can tell you that the pain is manageable for me now (on most days). You are in shock, its your body's way of protecting itself. It will take a long time but it will not be this hard forever. My mantra has been " do whatever you need to to get through the day". hugs. feel free to send me a personal message if you feel like talking.

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Oh Cyndi, I am so sorry. So so sorry.

Although I am much 8lderbthan n you, I still struggle with similar questions. Why?

Why did he die?

Don't think I will ever understand or accept.

Don't know how I made it through thus far (22 months) but I  have.  I don't always view that as a good thing. But "it" has gotten softer. It will get softer but it takes a long long time.

Sending you warm hugs

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  • 1 year later...

Hi Cyndi,

 

I can relate to you as your husband's story sounds too familiar. Ken had sepsis (blood poisoning that settled in his heart causing endocarditis) and that took him away from me.

 

Ken was unwell since New Year's Eve 2015. Fever on and off, chills, we thought it was a common cold. Three days later he developed pain in his left foot and struggled to walk. On 6th Jan I came home to find him confused in bed - he didn't get out of bed all day, didn't eat, was feverish. His whole body ached and he couldn't move a finger. I called an ambulance. I somehow managed to put a T-shirt on Ken, then paramedics took over. The put him in a wheelchair and we went to hospital. I stayed with Ken till 5 am in A&E but it took them almost 2 days to discover he had sepsis. Ken was out of it for most of the time, he would fall asleep half way trough the sentence. On 8th Jan in the evening they said they were worried about Ken and moved us to another hospital for an emergency back surgery (Cauda Equina). They said spinal fluid was pressing the nerves and had we come an hour later, Ken would have been paralysed from waist down. After the surgery he was still not himself, hallucinating and then on 12th Jan they told me they hear murmurs in his heart and we need to have a heart surgery. I vividly remember asking the consultant if my husband dies and he said - no, he is young and his heart is healthy. They moved us to the third hospital. The open heart surgery ( all valves' replacement) happened on 14th Jan as they waited for the best specialist in the country to arrive and perform. They said it would last around three hours if everything went smoothly. It lasted 7 hours. They didn't let me see Ken after the surgery. They put him in an induced coma. That was Friday. On Monday I was told and showed gangrene started eating away his feet and they would need to be amputated. They told me he might have had a stroke already and be brain damaged (they couldn't confirm as Ken was in a coma). On Tuesday 19th they started waking Ken up. When I arrived in ICU 11:10 they didn't let me in. I could see commotion. They asked me to wait outside. i saw them take Ken to the theatre. I knew that was it. Then his doctor came out after some 15mins. And he said IT. I was 35, my had married 7 months and 27 days earlier.

 

My heart broke into million pieces and my life ended that day. 

 

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Beanless, thank you. But I do feel guilty. With sepsis, as you know, every hour counts. And we waited 6 long days. On 3rd Jan Ken was helped by one of his sons to A&E as he couldn't walk (the pain that had developed in his left foot on 1st Jan). I didn't go with them - had a deadline for an essay and stayed home to finish it off. I will never ever forgive myself for choosing a bloody essay over Ken. I told him million times before they went and was texting him when he was in hospital - please ask them about the fever, chills and vomiting. Please tell them. He didn't. He was all focused on his left foot. Had I been there with him as I should, I would have asked them and even though I didn't have a clue back then what sepsis was, they could have picked it up.

So I do feel guilty, guilty as hell. Had I gone with Ken to hospital, sepsis could have been spotted on 3rd Jan, not 4days later.

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I won't tell you not to feel guilty, it's what you're feeling and therefore valid. 

 

I will tell you my husband had MDS (meleodysplastic syndrome). I told his doctor in late January something was wrong - both the doctor and DH told me no. February comes, his back pain is worse, ortho can't figure out what's wrong, PT isn't helping. By the end of the month he's rarely getting out of bed. By end of March, pain had spread to his hip and knee, he's completely bed ridden, doctor still says MDS wouldn't cause this, but send the MRI the ortho had done as it will  give him a look at how his bone marrow is doing. April 16 he sends the CD to the doctor. I come home from work that day, he's in tears - no, he hasn't heard from the doctor, but he spent all day trying and he can't orgasm anymore, "I think something's wrong with me"  Are you f****** kidding me?!! The fact that you haven't gotten out of bed in over a month, you've lost over 20 pounds, you're alternating opioids every 3 hours but still can't get the pain under control  and you sleep all the time but you didn't think anything was wrong with you but when you can't get off is your hint that something must be wrong? I couldn't even.

About an hour later that evening the doctor himself did call, he looked at the MRI, there's what looks like leukemia  tumors in his knee and we need to be at the hospital by 7 a.m. the next morning for an unscheduled bone marrow biopsy. by the end of the week we find out he has full-blown leukemia and he's in the hospital to start chemotherapy and 104 days later they send them home to me to die because while they got rid of the leukemia his bone marrow never recovers and he's unable to make blood any longer and he has secondary infections which is preventing him from going to bone marrow transplant and there's nothing left they can do. The day he came home from the hospital in August all I could think was in January I told them something was wrong.

 

If we had discovered the leukemia in January maybe he'd still be here.   unlike you I was there listing all the symptoms. For months. It didn't matter.  

So maybe if you had been there they would have found the sepsis  earlier. But maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they would have said he had the flu and done a flu test. we'll never know what might have happened; at the end of the day we're both left to live the rest of our lives without our loves. You didn't pick an essay over him. A horrible situation happened and you've been left to make sense of the senseless and pick up the pieces. 

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Thank you @twin_mom. I am sorry they hadn't listened to you. This must be terrible to know that your husband possibly could have been saved but I agree, we are left with what ifs/ could have/ should have/ would have..

 

I don't think about this guilt every hour of every day as I would go crazy but deep inside I do regret not going to hospital with him on 3rd Jan. Maybe that would have save d Ken. And maybe nor.Had I gone though, I could at least look at myself in the mirror knowing that I have done all I could.

 

And I cannot do this.

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It's been almost 7 months without him, lost him on October 12th last year, lung cancer, after almost 5 years battling that stupid, awful illness. I am 42, he was 60 when he passed away, we have a daughter who is 5,5 now... all these years he fought bravely, on his feet until the end. He was a love of my life, my hero. Now, I am broken more than ever, more than when that actually happened. I miss him like crazy. I work, I have an active life because of my daughter, but... I am not good. Hugs to you all.

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Tamara,  I am so sorry you are here.  I know it can feel like you are more broken now.  When it first happened you were probably in shock.  It's a natural defense to shut down some of the grief when it is new.  It comes out later as you are more prepared to deal with it.  The first time around for me was almost 7 years ago.  I had some of my darkest days months after the fact.  One way I had of interpreting that was that I was getting "better" at crying.  I am now in my second widowhood.  I'm still getting better at crying.  I can open my heart enough to look down into that deep pit of sadness, let it come ripping out of my lungs and know that I will still be here when the tears have dried.

You will still be here tomorrow, hugs to you and your daughter.

26 minutes ago, tamara76 said:

I am not good. Hugs to you all.

 

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thank you @Love2fish, although it happened after a long battle with cancer, it still felt suddenly, it was over in 24 hours... i can not get those pictures of the last day out of my mind...at least I had a chance to say that I love him, he tried to smile...-He was at home almost untill the end, he spent only 4 last hours in the hospital. Our daughter is an amazing kid, so energetic, full of life and joy, she is my strength. Also, she has grown up early because all the situation, and therapist said she is dealing great with this, thank God. People around me think that I am dealing great also, but it only looks that way because I do not want anyone to see my pain, I should be getting the Oscar for acting... it is hard, exhausting, I bear this empty black hole inside me while smiling, working, taking my daughter to classes or playdates... this forum is so comforting to me, I am not writing much but I am reading all the stories here, feels like I am not alone...sorry for language mistakes, I am from Belgrade, Serbia...unfortunately, loss and pain have universal language, so I hope you understand what I am talking about...and, I would soooo like to cry, but I can not, I would like to pour the river of tears to purify this saddness, but no... only empty black hole inside.

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