the pain attacks in surprise

[nat]

hello friends

i lost my husband 2 weeks ago after 3.5 months of him being in vegetative mode. i can't even describe the sorrow. it was a long exhausting goodbye and the loss feels like great fear more than anguish. i want to learn from you what helped you in the first period of the loss to bounce back. i function quite well- but still i feel this void. terrible feeling of "why do we bother". i suffer also for his suffering during his life as a vegetable. i am 55. he was only 62. can you share your wisdom with me please?

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hello Nat, welcome to the group that nobody wants to join.  I hope you can find some support and a bit of comfort here with knowing we really do understand.  We get it. 

As for the fear, yes, I completely get what you are saying.  I remember very early out for me like you are now, I did feel that fear. I hope for you like it did for me that fear will subside.  I was actually surprised by the amount of emotions that surfaced and sometimes felt like a yoyo of emotion.  We all grieve differently so this may not happen for you.  Please remember to drink lots of water as crying is very dehydrating.  Be very gentle with yourself and do only what you feel capable of doing and please try not to stress on what you "should" (I hate that word sometimes) be doing. 

You are very early in your grief so please be patient and give yourself time.

Gentle hugs to you.

[nat]

thank u so much for the gentle answer and for the reminder about the shoulds and self berating... i wish i knwe how to be softer- with my self.

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I am so sorry for your loss and so glad you are reaching out. Those first few months I became reliant on my closest friends. I learned how to ask for help, and also do the things I needed to do. When the chaos ebbed I slowly, very slowly, found small and silly things that made me feel better. I watched bad TV from my childhood, and reread favorite books. Leaving my house was hard but I did it. I tried to learn a new gentleness and self-care. It's been over four years and I'm still learning.

 

I wish you peace.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, nat,

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband.  It is so exhausting to sit vigil at the bedside of a spouse who is no longer able to respond.  It was difficult for even the short time that my first husband was comatose before his death.  I was conflicted about wanting the suffering to end for all involved.  And then - he was dead - and I immediately could feel the absence.

 

It takes time for everything to sink in - and we are left to figure out how to function.  Routines are helpful and help pass the time.  Tasks, errands, maintenance activities, rituals - they all help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Eventually, we get accustomed to a new way of life without our spouse.  It is similar, yet different for each of us.  Please be gentle with yourself.  Enjoy what feels enjoyable.  Cry when you need to cry.  Get out when that feels good.  Be a hermit at times if that helps.  Reach out to others, read here, post when the desire hits you.  We have been in similar shoes.  We understand.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[nat]

thanks maureen. your answer comforted me for a while.

[Portside]

i want to learn from you what helped you in the first period of the loss to bounce back.

 

Hi Nat - my deepest sympathies on the loss of your husband.

 

Early on, I forced myself to do the things that I really didn't need to do. Such as; going for a walk and getting out of the house, going to a restaurant alone to be around others, get out into the sun, etc.

 

I was just going through the motions on the things I had to do. Doing a bit extra helped me reconnect with the world and pull myself back together. It wasn't easy but, in my case at least, it was very helpful. It helped me to snap out of my stupor.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Mizpah]

What helped me early on: therapy (and lots of it), writing (nothing prize-winning or formal or high-pressure, just jotting to get it out of my head), running and working out (endorphins helped counteract the very dark feelings inside), getting lots of sunshine (same rationale as endorphins, but vitamin D and the good effects of light), ritual and structure (I kept working, I took two weekly classes, I went to a class at the gym every Saturday morning, I went to synagogue every Friday evening, I went to the cemetery once a month, etc., etc.), cleaning and laundry, a regular sleep schedule, long walks, I didn't drink at all (was terrified of messing with my very precarious brain chemistry/mental health) - I kept up all the functions of life and tried to be as healthy in my behaviors, because inside, I was pain and suffering and devastation and chaos.  I clung to very simple things for peace and stability, like REAL basic - watching a tree on a sunny day.  Literally just watching a tree.  It won't always hurt so much and be so hard. 

[nat]

thank you Portside. thank you so muchfor your reply. you send a kind message that soothed me a bit. nat

[beth_krkswidow]

Oh Nat, I am so sorry.  You and your husband are very close to the ages that my husband and I were at the time of his death.  I am so so sorry.  I have no words of wisdom.  The first year I was in a fog.  Catatonic for a couple months.  It was pure hell.  I can say that somehow some way, it does get somewhat softer.  Surround yourself with the helpful friends ~ the ones who let you cry, who allow you to grieve, or scream, or sit silently.  Distance  yourselves from the hurtful ones ~ the ones who think they are being "helpful" by pointing out how strong you are, how you have so much to live for, how he "wouldn't want you to cry". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!  If he'd died, he darn well BETTER have cried for me...

 

but I digress.  Can you see where the trigger points are for me? 

 

Your help will come from surprising sources sometimes.  And the ones you expect to be the best for you may turn out to be the most harmful.  It's not their fault; they THINK they are helping with their meaningless platitudes and "advice". 

 

Cry as much as you want.  Post as much as you want.  Look up the phrase "widow brain".  You'll be relieved to find out how normal you are.

 

Sending you warm hugs.  So so sorry

[nat]

Dear Beth

your reply really moved me- thank u so much

i needed these authentic approach and understanding. i sent you a PM can yopu look at it please?

nat

[beth_krkswidow]

I sent you one back.  Hugs.

[nat]

thanks again Beth- i saw your message and answered