Will the "blending" ever become "blended"?

[Trying]

Sorry for the long rant, I think the holiday has me feeling extra sensitive.

 

We are blending and in some ways it's going better than I expected but other ways I didn't anticipate being so hard.  We are basically not fully part of any of the 3 extended families we are a part of.  My family was here for Easter and current DH hasn't been around for 30 years like my sister's husband so he doesn't fully feel like a part of things.  His parents are both gone and his 3 sisters get together a lot but not so often with him.  When we get together it's hard to be the only SIL to 3 sisters, they are great but he expects me to blend right in as the only female outsider.  My late DHs family is not really my family any more and when I'm with them I no longer feel fully a part of the family and it's awkward for current DH.

 

After a long Easter weekend and a snow day today that ended with seeing late DHs family, I am at my limit for trying to blend.  He didn't come with me tonight which is fine but I had to bring his kids because they get along well with my sister in laws kids.  But I never know what to have his kids (7 & 8 ) call the grandparents and when the grandparents want a picture of all of their grandkids and his kids don't understand it doesn't include them even they call the other kids "cousins".

 

My youngest gets along well with current DHs nephews when we see them but he doesn't share the 14 year cousin history or get to see them as often as they see each other.  So then he's the not fully blended one.

 

I'm exhausted from thinking about everyone else's feelings in every situation, having my husband be annoyed about the one thing I didn't think about and not acknowledging the 100 things I did do, and me not having a second to consider my own needs ever.

 

And my last rant here is that I'm expected to be the third parent with equal responsibility to his 2 children because they are young but I'm on my own with my 14 year old for the most part. 

 

Yes I'm happy I found love again but some days I wonder if it's worth all this stress.  I don't even have a private space to cry tonight.

[Julester3]

I have no advice to offer. You've done exactly what I would have in your situation. I just want to offer you a hug in your frustration.

[tybec]

Trying,

 

I read your post, and it makes so much sense as it is hard.

 

LH was in my family for 28 yrs.  My mother chose to give my father's military flag to him at my father's funeral as LH served also.  And my nieces knew no life without him.  My nephews were young when we married.  WE all grew up together.  He was my son's and mine greatest lost, but my family lost a member.  He was an only child.  His mother moved to our town, so she participated in every family gathering with my siblings and others attending.

 

Move forward.  NG just will never have that.  I will always be a little bit of an outsider, I think. He comes from a divorced family and has two half brothers from different mother's, so he is in a sense, used to the many different connections, other divorces as his dad is divorced twice.  We have such a different experience.  Yet, NG is loyal to his half brothers though he didn't grow up with them as he lived with his mother and sister. 

 

Blending.......I pray that my heart is opened to new relationships and learning to love others as it is the only way I think it will work.  I lived such a easy, nuclear family setting, an anomaly now.  I want an open heart to love others as my own. 

 

You seem to be managing very well, but you are right.  Many different families and sort of an outsider looking in.  I hope it changes over time for you, too.  Please keep posting. I am following, learning.

[Toosoon2.0]

Hi Trying - Just wanted to let you know that I understand.  Having had several years to lay the groundwork for blending our families, and thinking we had things pretty well lined up, we now have four branches of our families on two continents seemingly constantly unhappy with us.  Every decision we make pisses off at minimum about 4 people, for completely different reasons and typically, they consider themselves in the right and cannot be reasoned with. 

 

I could write a PhD thesis on this subject at this point.  There are half a dozen or so people in the UK who clearly wish my daughter and I never met Andy and would just go away - none of which was really revealed until we actually got married and he adopted my daughter.  I believe there might even be some magical thinking going on that we actually might disappear.  You know, we've only been together for more than four years!?! Meanwhile, we might move in the next few months, and my  parents - who live a mile away and who have been very supportive but now are acting like our daughter is somehow theirs - are acting like we're moving to Singapore instead of 2 hours away and like we're teenage parents who need supervision instead of the adults we are.  It is all maddening!  Blending - or whatever it is one might call what's going on with Andy's and my families - is definitely not easy. 

 

You can only do the best you can do for your new marriage, your collective children and yourselves.  That's my conclusion.  It is, in my experience, impossible to make everyone happy so you might as well try to take care of your immediate family first and mind over matter the others. 

 

Hugs. 

 

 

[Abitlost]

Trying,

 

Blending under the best of circumstances is tough, and complicated, and full of compromise. I say that from an observation standpoint only as I'm decidedly not blending. The flip side of that is that my kids will never be part of a family, and something tells me they will face a learning curve when and if they start their own families. I understand your frustration, and the double-standards, and the seemingly under appreciated maneuvers you make. Remember though that all these relationships and experiences enrich your life and that of your kids (even if it doesn't feel that way right now...)

 

abl

[klim]

That's a heck of alot of blending...no wonder it's hard.

Holidays force us into an overload of family gatherings. It maybe time to cocoon again and appreciate that your new blended nuclear family is hopefully actually doing pretty well. The extended blending may never exactly fall in place but that is secondary to your daily routine.

 

Hoping for smoother days ahead.

 

Onward and forward....

[Trying]

Thank you all for your support and insights.  The holidays definitely highlight these issues and I am happy that our day to day life is going pretty well.  I think it's just another loss to deal with, not feeling 100% part of any of the extended families.  Hopefully in time things will feel more natural.  I can't waste so much emotional energy on the extended family stuff because our immediate family is much more important. 

 

Another part of my stress is that I am leaving tomorrow for a 9 day professional certification course and current DH will be holding down the fort.  He is going to have a lot more parental duties than he is used to.  It's probably a good thing but my need to be in control is causing me a lot of anxiety.  I would've felt the same way leaving late DH in charge for that long, maybe it's mom guilt.