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beth_krkswidow

I hate this life. I hate this new person

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22 Months. I hate this life.  I hate being the Survivor.  WHY didn't I die with him? Or instead of him?  I have NO reason to live.  I hate this existence.  I know God must have left me here for a reason.  I can't figure it out.  I just hate this life.  I want my old life back.  I want the old me back.  I hate this new creature I've become.  I don't recognize it and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  Cuz it's not my skin.  It's a stranger living in my old body.

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Just never goes away, huh, this alien life, this surreal existence.  Sobering

 

Well, I'm here to say that it CAN go away. Which isn't to say that it will for you or anyone in particular, but there are plenty of widows that go on to live beautiful and fulfilling lives. It CAN happen. Please try to keep the faith that it will.

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Well, I'm here to say that it CAN go away. Which isn't to say that it will for you or anyone in particular, but there are plenty of widows that go on to live beautiful and fulfilling lives. It CAN happen. Please try to keep the faith that it will.

 

I agree, Serpico. It can happen.  I have experienced the loss of my first husband, a quicker than average move into a really wonderful life again, then the loss of my second husband and a longer and more challenging trajectory into a life that feels more fulfilling.

 

There are many ways of defining a fulfilling life and these will vary as much, perhaps, as we are all different from each other. For me right now, fulfillment is developing in terms of a career change and a move. I would like to find another life partner, too. Not everyone would want that in upcoming chapters in their lives.

 

I know I have whined at times along my path and I think we should have that place to scream out what we feel when we are struggling and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel we find ourselves sitting in. But I have also found that sitting in the dark never got me very far. Periodically, I had to make myself get up and move toward the end of the tunnel, even though it seemed light years away.

 

Right now, you might just need to scream. I hope some time soon, you can find some energy to get up and take some steps toward the end of that dark tunnel.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

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I think for most of us we will always grieve for not only our spouse but the life we lost and the person we were before. 

I still have my days where I have a pity party for myself or get angry at how unfair life is but thankfully they are much less frequent.

Around 2 years I decided to make lots of changes in my life since I didn't fit into the one I shared with my DH.  I sold our house and moved, I went back to school and changed my career and then at 4 years I remarried.  All of these changes didn't stop me from missing my old life but it did give me a sense of control over my future and I am able to acknowledge the blessings I have today.

 

Don't give up hope, have faith that you will find a new normal. Not better, not less than, but different and good in its own ways.

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Yep, I get it. It sucks. I am 6-1/2 years out. It is shocking to type that number. There were many, many times I didn't know if or how I would make it. I wasn't sure I actually wanted to make it. I had to though. I was left to raise two children on my own.  I thought the rest of my life I would just live for my children, waiting to die. Then a purpose found me which is leading me on an interesting journey. It is enough to challenge me yet I have full confidence I will be successful at it. For the first time, I am really looking forward to life. I am happy even though I live with sadness. It has come to the point where I have accepted my biggest loss and disappointment learning how to live along side of it. I have not recoupled and am not actively pursuing a relationship. I stand on my own in this new life. You will find a purpose again.

Eileen

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It wasn't until a full two years that I began to feel alive again.  Everyone's timeline is different, so I'm not saying - hey, in a couple months, things will be great.  And at two years, I took a big trip by myself, I think it woke me up and kickstarted something in me, so I'm also not saying something magically took place while I sat in my living room and lightning will strike you, too.  But I am saying that I am now almost seven years out, and I am doing better than I ever believed I would be.  You will not always feel this way.  When I tell the story of my life, to myself or others, yes, it is still very surreal, but I do not suffer, and certainly not the way I did at a couple years out.  If I could repeat one thing, it would be: you will not always feel this way.

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Beth,

 

For me, the second year was by far the hardest. The first year I was largely numb, going through the motions, and I still felt his presence. That second year it struck me just how long dead was. Everyone expected me to be getting "better" and "moving on" but inside I was screaming, paralyzed, and with a great big gaping hole in my heart. Everything that was ours was now mine to deal with, for better or worse. All decisions fell to me, all forward motion was my responsibility. It was overwhelming. Things started getting more manageable in the third year, and while I will never be "over it", most days are filled with life, love, and happiness.

 

abl

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For me, the second year was by far the hardest. The first year I was largely numb, going through the motions, and I still felt his presence. That second year it struck me just how long dead was. Everyone expected me to be getting "better" and "moving on" but inside I was screaming, paralyzed, and with a great big gaping hole in my heart. Everything that was ours was now mine to deal with, for better or worse. All decisions fell to me, all forward motion was my responsibility. It was overwhelming. Things started getting more manageable in the third year, and while I will never be "over it", most days are filled with life, love, and happiness.

 

Thank you, abit, and all of you.  Every word of what you said, abit, resounds with me.  I was numb the first year.  Thought I'd be better in the second.  Thought I'd find a reason to live.  No kids, so that's a strike out for a reason to live.  Just really thought I'd find a purpose in life.  Hasn't happened.  So I get pretty hopeless.  Fell asleep visiting his grave today, so I was sleeping with my Honey again.  That made me smile.

 

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beth_k..

 

I don't get on this board much anymore (5/4 will be 12 years for me) and I haven't looked at THIS section for years but today I was just killing some time and found your post. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

 

I'll try to keep this short. My wife, Cathryn, and I were very much in love. Cancer took her from me 4 years before she actually died. My kids (10 and 4 when she died) didn't get the chance to really know her. We were soul mates in the truest sense of the concept.

 

I have changed so much over the years, most of it in a good way. I like who I have become. Life is different now and I never asked for different, but I am ok with it. I flip back and forth, thinking about how it would have been with Cathryn and how it is now. Both lives would be good, but they are DIFFERENT. That difference, I think, is what makes it difficult to live without lamenting at times.

 

I still talk to Cathryn - usually in the mornings when I pray for her. She lets me know she's with me. I kind of get a tingling in my spine - that's her way of telling me she's here.

 

I dated over the years but never found the connection I was looking for until about 2 years ago. She's different than Cathryn and yet she's got a lot of similarities. All in all, she's what I need. The kids love her and she loves them. She makes me a better person. We're engaged now and I am happy with her.

 

Even so, it's DIFFERENT.

 

Perhaps one part of the equation is to find a way to embrace (or at least accept) the idea that life is forever different. When you think about it, all the other things that happen to us in life also make changes in our lives. Most are just not as significant so perhaps we don't dwell on them as much.

 

I think there is truth to the idea of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we believe life sucks and will suck forever, there's a good chance that will come true. On the other hand, if we find a way to believe that we can make a good life with the cards we are dealt, there's a better chance THAT will come true.

 

I'm just sayin'

 

Michael

 

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I think there is truth to the idea of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we believe life sucks and will suck forever, there's a good chance that will come true. On the other hand, if we find a way to believe that we can make a good life with the cards we are dealt, there's a better chance THAT will come true.

 

 

Yes, so true!

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It’s hard..at times almost unbearable..I’m at 10 years..it wasn’t until 4 years that I had a major identity crisis not even recognizing the person I had become. That’s when I made major changes in my life. At 10 years..I’m completely healed. It’s a part of me and always will be-but it doesn’t dominate or define my life. I now like the person I fought to become.

You will too someday..their is hope after this.

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Just never goes away, huh, this alien life, this surreal existence.  Sobering

 

You're right that losing a life partner never goes away.  Twenty two months in this journey is not much time at all.  I started to feel alive again at about year three, and now at almost five years out there's a shift in how I'm getting on in this new life.  I will always miss him, however have come to fully accept that he's no longer with us and am moving forward in a good life.  Believe that it can happen for you too.

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On 4/22/2018 at 2:46 PM, MikeR said:

 

 

Perhaps one part of the equation is to find a way to embrace (or at least accept) the idea that life is forever different. When you think about it, all the other things that happen to us in life also make changes in our lives. Most are just not as significant so perhaps we don't dwell on them as much.

 

 

This is so true! 

 

I wanted to say that I've also described my first year as numb/robotic. The  second year was when my new life started to really sink in. The third year I started doing more for myself. 2/4 will be 5 years for me. 

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I'm in my 3rd year heading into the 4th and the emptiness is still there as fresh as the day my beloved wife was taken away by that terrible C. I still call up her mobile message system just to hear her voice, and I spray a bit of her favourite perfume on my pillow just to re-live her presence. Every time I see couples around our age I smile reminiscing...I'm angry any more, but I do not feel the need to seek female companionship in any form except in a platonic friendship.

 

I'm contented with my emptiness...

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Me too Taurus, except I am 11 years in now.:( I did another short marriage and it just ended, thank goodness, but if it's not meant to be it will fail and hurt like heck.

Be patient and good to yourself.

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On 6/3/2018 at 2:53 AM, Taurus said:

I'm in my 3rd year heading into the 4th and the emptiness is still there as fresh as the day my beloved wife was taken away by that terrible C. I still call up her mobile message system just to hear her voice, and I spray a bit of her favourite perfume on my pillow just to re-live her presence. Every time I see couples around our age I smile reminiscing...I'm angry any more, but I do not feel the need to seek female companionship in any form except in a platonic friendship.

 

I'm contented with my emptiness...

 

Taurus, I empathize completely.

 

On June 12th it will have been 18 months since my wife passed, a full 10 months longer even than I had to prepare for her loss after her cancer diagnosis.  Until very recently, almost all my energies were spent desperately clinging to everything that I loved about her - about us.  In my mind, no thing is too small.  The most simple mannerisms or subtle nuances of expression are what I miss most commonly -  things that are rarely captured adequately in a picture or satisfactorily recalled in a memory.  But as I have come to understand, and am only now beginning to accept, it is impossible to hold on to them all.  I believe, fatalistically, that the only reason we can move forward with life and not feel the pain and sorrow so profoundly is that we simply and inevitably forget - or, perhaps more accurately, are no longer able to recall.  Until I started to accept this eventuality, I was stalled in my grief.

 

I imagine sometimes a chance encounter with my wife all these months later.  I imagine the conversation being awkward, as it might with anyone we may have known intimately and not seen for a long time.  I wonder if she will be accepting of how I've navigated my life without her direction, for that's how it is without her - a life without direction.  It's a an interesting exercise and I've found it to be the most telling way of measuring my progress.

 

I can't say yet that I'll ever be content with my emptiness, but I've similarly reset my expectations about how much happiness life will yield to me without Rhonda in it.  She was my everything and my one and only, lost at 49 after 19 years of marriage.  

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On 6/5/2018 at 6:42 PM, Minny9 said:

 

Taurus, I empathize completely.

 

On June 12th it will have been 18 months since my wife passed, a full 10 months longer even than I had to prepare for her loss after her cancer diagnosis.  Until very recently, almost all my energies were spent desperately clinging to everything that I loved about her - about us.  In my mind, no thing is too small.  The most simple mannerisms or subtle nuances of expression are what I miss most commonly -  things that are rarely captured adequately in a picture or satisfactorily recalled in a memory.  But as I have come to understand, and am only now beginning to accept, it is impossible to hold on to them all.  I believe, fatalistically, that the only reason we can move forward with life and not feel the pain and sorrow so profoundly is that we simply and inevitably forget - or, perhaps more accurately, are no longer able to recall.  Until I started to accept this eventuality, I was stalled in my grief.

 

I imagine sometimes a chance encounter with my wife all these months later.  I imagine the conversation being awkward, as it might with anyone we may have known intimately and not seen for a long time.  I wonder if she will be accepting of how I've navigated my life without her direction, for that's how it is without her - a life without direction.  It's a an interesting exercise and I've found it to be the most telling way of measuring my progress.

 

I can't say yet that I'll ever be content with my emptiness, but I've similarly reset my expectations about how much happiness life will yield to me without Rhonda in it.  She was my everything and my one and only, lost at 49 after 19 years of marriage.  

Hi Minny,

Thank you for sharing. My Debs was taken 3 days before our 30th wedding anniversary, so I have the double-whammy of the anniversary of her passing followed 3 days later by our wedding anniversary. The pain is there in the background, like an ache you learn to live with. It's funny how easy and very clearly I remember some of the places and things we did, whether prompted by a piece of music or song, or a scent.

 

My biggest fear is that I would forget what she looks and sounds like. I've kept her cellphone connection live and her social media account live where our daughters and friends keep posting photos or anecdotes on anniversaries of trips, dance competitions, sports, etc. I'm not religious but our daughters and I were just chilling and reminiscing about their mum a couple of weeks back, and I said without thinking that I'd be really annoyed if when I eventually joined her wherever she is, only to find she's hooked up with someone else LOL!! The girls and I looked at one another and cracked up laughing.

 

I agree completely with an expectation and acceptance of a life, however much of it is left, without Debs. I'm not sure whether I'll ever experience again the type of happiness I shared with  her, with anyone else. Even now when I'm with friends socialising, I tend to find myself stand-offish - I'm an only child so have always been very comfortable in my own company. Our young daughter is off to University next year and I'll be on my own til school holidays, so I don't know what - if anything - may evolve in the future. I have very close friends, men and women, at the golf and yacht clubs, but after being with Debs for over 30 years, starting again with anyone new just doesn't feature prominently in my plans, at least for the time being.

 

Good luck. I don't drop by in here often, so please don't feel offended if I don't acknowledge your and anyone else's comments for a few/several days.

 

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Kirk died 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary so I  too have the double whammy at Sadiversary /anniversary time. His birthday is next Wednesday.  But he remains the same age, and I  am growing ever closer to being as old as he. Strange he was always 5 years older than I  and now onky 2 years separates our ages.

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My wife passed away 9 days later to my birthday. Can't think of celebrating my birthday ever. So we all have this kind of stuff build up in our minds.

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