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a widow dating a new widower - help!


shelly
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Realy complicated, I will try to make it simple.

I have been a widow for 4 years (31, 2 kids) and on dating for almost 3y. nothing serious.

two months ago I met a widower -  lost wife after 8 years of cancer. He was 2 month

a widower but she asked him to start dating quickly for their children. There was an immediate spark!

It was amazing! two dates later he came and said that it is all going too quickly and ask to back of, even to let me see others while he is sorting out his feelings for me and his wife. It was understandable and I agreed.

Two weeks ago we met at the street - sparks and all, he asked me for a date... only to tell me that he

has been seen someone for the last month. He even considered engagement but what - he is not attracted to her at all! doesnt even feel like hugging her, only she is perfect (single no kids) from his class - while I have my load (kids, past etc...) and he couldn't make up his mind till he saw me in the street and felt like it was a sign....we had a talk for 9 hours during which sparks flew again, talking about possible future and such... but... I could see great fear in his eyes - he said he fears that I have all sort of problem that I dont have (crazy stuff) and even after long calm talking he still decided to give the other girl another date to see if a spark will lighten up with her and asked me to wait patiently and if our feelings (he doesnt dare to say the l word) is true it will win at the end!

whats going on here???

why do I get the feeling when he kisses me that he wants to crush me and run to the mountains at the same time?

why does he try so hard with the other girl if he says "when i was on a vaction for a week i didnt even feel like wanting her to be there or hug her"?

why does he keep saying "I am afraid beacuse I am this close to fall in love with you

and I cant loose my head like when I was 22 since i have kids"?

and finally what to do with him?

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He 'couldn't make up his mind'?! 'From his class'?! Must be nice to have these two women dangling, bloody 'ell, as we say in this part of the world, what a guy! And considering getting engaged to someone he doesn't even really care about, so his kids can have an instant replacement mother, gosh that's magnanimous of him, does she know?

I'm not sure where you are in the world shelly, but and if this is a usual sort of thing, but 'Run, Forrest, run!' would be my advice. It's unlikely this will end well. This gentleman likely needs some time to himself. By 'quickly' it is possible too his wife didn't mean quite that quickly...

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Hmmmm. . .

 

My take is he is not near ready for a exclusive relationship with you or any one else right now.

 

And he talks too much - he's trying to sort out his dating/relationship thoughts by talking them out with you. Big mistake - how can this not be hurtful for you when he doesn't know what he wants yet?

 

He may be your right guy in the future, but not now. He's not ready.

 

Maybe back off for now and give him room to sort it all out but keep in touch.

 

Good luck - Mike

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If you remove the "widow" and "widower" component, this is a very common story. I'm not sure how his recent loss impacts his behavior, and I'm sorry for your loss. However, for reasons that make little sense to me, there are men who see the woman they should marry as different as the woman they should sleep with. I don't know if it's cultural or a product of age, but there ARE men who go through life like this. I will also add, that I have never found it remotely flattering or telling when a man wants to sleep with me. It's not about me, it's about them. What is flattering is when a man wants to know me, really know me, and want to spend time with me.

I hope that helps.

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This sounds hurtful. 

 

I'm in a relationship with a widower, and he was new when we first started out.  He was six months, I was a year and a half.  He told me he had nothing to give anyone, but all the other things he said were the opposite, his actions were the opposite.  He was seeing someone when we met, but nearly immediately stopped, never expressed any confusion or indecision.  And even given that, it has been HARD.  There has been hurt and pain. 

 

We are all colored by our own experiences, and my experiences push me to tell you: RUN!!!!  Not because he's a widower, not because he's a new widower, but because he's sharing with you his thought process about whether or not he's gonna choose you.  Being a widower and a new widower is going to make this hard enough even if he's 100% into you.  I don't want to be with someone who's maybe going to propose to someone else and can't decide if I'm for him.  That sounds too much like rejection.  I want someone who is totally into me, even if they have problems.  I don't want to hear someone else is perfect, and I certainly don't want to hear about whether or not he wants to touch someone else.  Maybe it's just me, but if there's a third party involved, I decide not to be.  That being said, I understand that we are f'ed up early in, and I understand that chemistry is not always easy to come by between two people.  That being said, this guy sounds (unintentionally) destructive.  Just my opinion based on the little information.

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Shelly,

 

You had TWO dates with him, two months ago, and in the interim he has found someone else he is considering marrying, but prefers the chemistry he had with you (in the sum total of two dates!), so he couldn't make up his mind until he saw you in the street which he thought was a sign? That is a sign of only one thing, an extraordinarily unstable person. (It also reads like this guy could be a scammer, from what little you have written.) Legit or not, do yourself and your kids a favor and steer clear.

 

abl

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My first thought was, "having his cake and eating it too." Either way, he's unstable and obviously not ready for an exclusive relationship. If that is what you want then I would move on. If you're okay with casually dating him and other men then continue seeing him.

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Thank you all guys, I feel I haven't done a good job of explaining:

1.It is common in our society to get engaged only after few dates

(me and my late only went out four dates! and still loved like crazy for 9 years)

2. when I said 'different class' i meant different kinds of the same culture/society which can get mixed (his wife and him) but don't usually do so and yes - there are family exceptions burden here

3. now for his story: His wife was his first love at first sight. He went against his family and married her. They had problems because of that but they overcame all - until cancer. His wife became a symbol of cancer fighter in our society, both she and him did an amazing job raising their children while death was hanging over their heads and helping other patients of cancer. I knew their story though I didn't know them personally but knowing it all I can say for sure: he is not the 'player' type or the unstable one but he had a l-o-t to deal with. what I am trying to figure out here is: does he a have a problem with me or a problem with the idea of falling in love again. Before I assumed it was maybe me and him, but after hearing about the other girl I began to think "maybe its a pattern, maybe the reason he feels uneasy yet attracted to me and calm but not attract to the other girl is because its a widower thing - fear of loving and losing again, and so he found himself considering marriage to a girl he is not attracted to just because she makes him feel (his words) "like being water meeting stone in the middle of life, while with you its like we are water and water"

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Thanks for the further explanation Shelly I'd still run a mile, agree with what others have said about what he has said, goodness. Pretty shitty way to treat the other woman too, frankly, unless maybe she knows and his happy with that? Is that a cultural thing? With all due respect, are you just there to be 'chosen'?

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Thanks for the further explanation Shelly I'd still run a mile, agree with what others have said about what he has said, goodness. Pretty shitty way to treat the other woman too, frankly, unless maybe she knows and his happy with that? Is that a cultural thing? With all due respect, are you just there to be 'chosen'?

 

oh no, actually it is almost unheard of here to date two together. what happened and I quote his story: "After leaving you last time I went to sort out my feeling and uneasiness about it all. I was so confused and full of hesitation. A friend came and try to set me up. Told him about you but he said "you have decided to separate so you don't own a thing and who knows, maybe it would help you see how precious the first one is - just coffee" so I did and to my surprise I have found her quite interesting, and I have found myself setting another date. I told her about you (me) and the truth about why I actually went to meet her (to understand his feelings about me) she said its ok and so things kept rolling... 9 dates! my family started talking wedding... only there was this thing - also she makes me feel calm and sure while with you it feel too quickly too soon (also different class/culture like is late wife which makes him afraid we would have the same saga as before only with kids) there was this thing - I don't find her attractive at all! I didn't know what to do... and then I saw you and it all came back..."

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I don't think he's the man for you. It sounds like he's trying to set up the "ideal" wife in the woman he is dating, but might be happy to set you up as the other woman. I don't know your culture, so maybe I am way off, but either way, I would recommend moving on.

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You've mentioned being part of a very specific/small culture or class system (I've gotta admit, I'm confused and curious), so I'm not sure how much of this is cultural, but as I read these most recent quotes you've reported from him, my reaction is: "Yuck."  His statements sound insulting to her and to you, and not at all attractive or compelling.  (Again, not sure how much of this is due to culture or what gender roles are like in your society.)  It sounds like he is being pursued before he is ready, or he is pursuing before he is ready.  This doesn't sound like courtship or romance.  My opinion - you deserve better.  She deserves better.  He should grieve and come out when he's ready to treat women better than this. 

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I didn't mean 'dating' two people at once - sorry if it came across that way - that has not been a 'thing' here either until recently perhaps, more of a US thing (I'm in NZ)? I used to watch American telly and when they talked about 'seeing other people' and 'going exclusive' always wondered how that worked - does one just shag a few at a time until deciding?! Things cut to the chase physically pretty quickly in this part of the world so that's what it sounds like, not snogging and going to the movies :-)

 

Anyway I digress badly - I just meant that to me, you and this other lady seem to be kind of served up on a plate for him to pick from, without a lot of agency on your part, like you're all waiting gratefully for this bloke to choose. I guess in my book, someone is either really into you and only you, or not: if not, I wouldn't bother.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just wanted to share my perspective....given some red flags with dating a widower.

 

Admittedly, when I was dating I was secretly hoping to meet a nice widower (with younger children). I just thought the situational match would be a good one (and of course it needs to be a personal match too). I met a very handsome, sexy widower online and we went on 4 dates and I was so giddy - we had tons in common and had a great time together....and at first he seemed to really be looking to re-couple. Then I saw some red flags as time went on and eventually I  had a really bad 5th date with him (I posted a while ago on this) and it become clear that after being married a long time, going through a long term illness with his LW and given his loss, he was in no way "available" for a relationship and was just trying to hook up and play with women. I ran very quickly and blocked him (from my phone) after that 5th date and am so happy I did. If someone isn't in the "right" place to date one person and be in a committed relationship someone is going to get hurt in the long run. Wishing you all the best.

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