I'm So Tired Of Being Strong

[TheWidowWhisperer]

“You’re so strong”

 

I lost count of how many times I’ve been told that. It’s happened so often that I’m almost inured now. In the beginning I wanted to demonstrate how strong I was with one swift kick. They meant well, and it is true, but it felt dismissive and to be perfectly frank I’d love the option of not being so strong...

 

https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/04/11/i-yam-what-i-yam/

[Portside]

Folks say all kinds of things; some helpful and thoughtful, others not so.

 

The thing of it is, most of them struggle with what is proper to say to a widow/widower. On top of that, each of us may possibly respond differently to a specific phrase or utterance.

 

I translated each expression from another as a sign of their sadness and concern - no matter how poorly delivered.

 

Best wishes - Mike 

[Mizpah]

I've always differed from the widow consensus on this one, except in the very beginning and for different reasons.  In the beginning, I didn't want the pressure to be strong.  I wanted to be able to completely fall apart into the devastation I felt.  How is being strong in the face of something unbearable to be lauded?  It's false.  After the immediate, though, I came to embrace my own inner fortitude, the strength in being emotionally honest, the strength in loving someone gone and carrying who they are in us and honoring them with our lives, the strength in recreating a life where ours were razed to the ground.  We may not have had a choice, but we can be proud of how we've fared.  I've learned to take a compliment, and give myself some - hell yeah, I'm strong.  I didn't want to be.  I had to be, and I was and am. 

[Toosoon2.0]

The one I get the most is, "You have been through so much."  As if that explains away everything in life that frustrates me or angers me or stresses me out forevermore.  My father is the worst with this, but others say it as well.  Yes, I have been through a lot and I'm still standing.  I AM STRONG (imperfect but strong).  I'd prefer "You're so strong." to the former but I remember a time early on when that comment drove me wild.  I'm no longer as sensitive about these things as I once was.  I've become a bit like the proverbial duck with the water on its back.  For better or worse, I just no longer care.  People, I think, are just clueless sometimes and unable to really empathize.  "Youre so strong." or "You've been through so much." are easy fixes for thorny emotions and situations. 

[sudnlysngl]

It's ok to not be strong all the time Mizpah. It is very tiring to carry so much upon our backs.

 

I think like Portside side said, people are just trying to be nice and say "something" rather than say "nothing". I at 11 years out would rather they just say nothing!

 

Wishing us all peace and some kind of happiness.

 

 

[Trying]

For a long time I absolutely hated this!  I also felt it was dismissive, that since I appeared strong it let people off the hook from having to think about or lend a hand to my children and I.  It made me feel like I couldn't fall apart in front of certain people and caused me to isolate myself.  It didn't help that my former best friend was widowed 8 years before me, took complete advantage of the kindness of others well past the first year and years, and completely fell apart at the same time my husband got sick and died (full blown alcoholic, multiple DUIs and children temporarily removed from her custody). Needless to say our shared circle of friends needed me to be strong because they had exhausted their sympathy and compassion for young  widows at the same time as I became one.

 

It no longer causes a visceral reaction in me, I know people just aren't capable of imaging being in our shoes and just want to say something nice.  I realize it was my choice to isolate myself in response to these comments and I should stop blaming everyone else.  I know I have said many unhelpful things to other people at their worst moments and that intentions should matter more than words.