Want to be sad, but still so angry...

[ColSavMama]

I miss my husband terribly. I lost him on 12/13 to a brain aneurysm. It was very sudden, no way to know or prepare, here one minute and gone the next. My children are devastated, and it kills me that they will not have him to walk my daughter down the isle or take my son fishing. It absolutely kills me.

 

But. Part of me is not sad. Part of me is angry. You see, my husband and I, we had a very rocky marriage. There were affairs on his part, we had separated for a good period of time, all the while he 'worked on himself'. He was a drinker. While we were separated he had promised me every single day that he was done with that life. He was ready to grow up and be a father and a husband. To be a family man. During our separation the kids saw him every single day. He was still very present in our lives. We still did everything as a family while trying to simultaneously work on our marriage. I really thought we were on a good road, and that I was going to have the marriage I always wanted with the man I loved so deeply.

 

I had ordered him a new wedding ring in November. It was my way of letting him know that I was ready for us to move back in together and to be the family we were meant to be. I so badly wanted to separation to end, and I believed he was a new man. I loved him so much. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him years and years ago. While he asked me every single day if we could move back in together, I decided I would save the ring till Christmas. I would tell him Christmas morning that I was ready, by giving him the ring.

 

He died 12 days before that could happen. After he died, though. While I am trying to hold myself together, grieve my husband, my marriage, grieve for my children, things started surfacing. Women. Women and secrets. They all started surfacing. All I wanted was to be sad. To make arrangements, and take care of our children, and mourn the way a wife should. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that in his death I had to endure more pain. It wasn't fair that I was robbed of grieving him properly because every day I had a new reason to be angry with him.

 

Part of me, a huge significant part of me, is still just so damn angry. I'm angry about the women and the secrets and the lies he told me every single day. But, I'm more angry that I was put through it all in his death. I can't explain the feeling, and I don't know if it makes sense, but, I was robbed of grieving my husband, and I was robbed by him. Which really really amplifies the anger. A lot.

 

I want to be sad. I feel guilty for not being more sad. But, I am still so angry. And I feel guilty for that as well. All I want to do is just forget about it. I just want to let it go, it's in the past, he is gone, and move on. But I don't know how to do that. Because I haven't fully grieved. And I don't know that I ever will. Because I am still so damn angry.

[Wheelerswife]

I hear your deep pain.  I'm sorry you had to endure so much.  Secrets really hurt.  Infidelity really hurts.  Losing the man you loved, the father of your children...it hurts.  Right now you feel a lot of anger.  I haven't experienced your kind of betrayal, but I know others who have.  It is going to take time to peel off the layers...anger, sadness, maybe more anger and more sadness again.  I'm glad you feel like you can find your voice and vent here.  We will listen.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Everything you are feeling is valid, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about that.  You have to face that anger before you can find forgiveness for the ways he betrayed you.  I am very sorry that you have all of this to deal with on top of your grief.

 

My husband wasn't unfaithful but there were issues in our marriage that I have been angry with him about.  Angry that there was time wasted when he was alive that we could've been happier and now he is gone and it's too late to fix. 

 

My therapist has been helpful in letting me work through these complicated aspects of grieving, at a year and a half I am much less often angry but it does surface at times.

 

The big thing, in my opinion, is don't deny yourself the right to be angry.  The fact that he is gone doesn't erase the pain he caused when he was here.  And when you are feelings sad and missing the man you fell in love with, don't feel guilty about those angry times.

 

 

[swilson]

I'm sorry ColSavMama, these are some excerpts from GriefShare about anger that may be of interest.

 

" Your anger does need to be expressed, but it must be done slowly and not impulsively. You need to release your anger in a way that is productive for healing and not harmful to others around you. To release your anger does not mean to lash out, to throw a fit, or to lose control of it; releasing your anger involves the open and honest expression of your emotions in a way that is physically, mentally, and emotionally freeing. You can release your anger in the presence of a person who will listen quietly and neither judge nor offer advice. Another healthy way to release anger is to write down every angry thought that comes to mind until you cannot think of another angry sentence to write. Some people find that expressing their anger out loud, and loudly, in a private place is helpful. You can either let anger take control of you and allow it to be your master, or you can deal with your anger and grow in strength and healing."

[Bluebird]

Hi ColSavMama,

 

Welcome to widda.org although I'm very sorry you have reason to be here.

 

Dealing with the anger is so hard, particularly in a marriage that had its share of troubles.

 

My marriage was one of those also, although my husband was more than a drinker, he was an alcoholic. As a result, the erosion of our marriage before he died was something that made me feel very angry for a time.

 

Please keep coming back to share your thoughts and vent your anger. There are many here who have experienced it and expressing it to people that get it may help. I also want to suggest that you consider looking through the suicide/addiction/DV section - while the title of the section may not apply to your situation, sometimes those with troubled marriages find some common issues and much support there.

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Carey]

ColSavMama ... I could have written your post. I know where that deep hurt and anger come from.  My husband was an alcoholic. We also were "separated" to an extent ... he took a job overseas so that we could work on our marriage, he could work on sobering up and things were supposed to be different when he came back. I was 7 weeks away from him coming back.  I knew there had been infidelity in our marriage but when I got his laptop back from Saudi and read all of his facebook private messages, saw the pictures and the texts from one of MY BEST FRIEND'S , discussing their affair, I wished he was alive so I could kill him myself.  I've gone back and forth so many times I'm dizzy. The knowing I can NEVER confront him with that information and air it all out. I'm stuck with it.  Love and hate coexist in my heart for him and it's a toss up what it's going to be every day. 

 

Trying said it best "The big thing, in my opinion, is don't deny yourself the right to be angry.  The fact that he is gone doesn't erase the pain he caused when he was here.  And when you are feelings sad and missing the man you fell in love with, don't feel guilty about those angry times.".

 

Because this much I know is true, I love that man with all that I have. And he was a GOOD man in many ways.  And he's my children's daddy.  The man who would do anything for me.  Who never neglected to tell me he loved me.  He was tormented in life; alcoholic demons would never let him go long enough to stay the man I knew he wanted to be and I try to remember that, to allow forgiveness because I know that wasn't what he wanted to be.

 

I'm here almost every day. If you ever want to talk more or just vent, we are all here.  I am very very sorry that you had reason to come here, but the widda board is a gift in so many ways.  You'll be heard here. And you'll be surprised just how not alone you are.  That though the circumstances you're in seem totally effed up to you, more than likely, someone knows how that feels.  Try to be easy with yourself, try not to feel guilty about that anger.  It's an honest emotion that needs a place to go.  {{{{HUGS}}}}

[Captains wife]

Im so very sorry. Keep venting here !

 

I have had real anger issues since losing my husband (also suddenly) in 2012 - I too feel sad but the anger I feel over his actions and the loss is brutal. I have tried to deal with this by going to a grief therapist and working out (ALOT!). I have also tried to focus on what makes me and my son happy and move forward as best we can.

 

I found out a few things about my husband 4 months after he died, when I went through his email and FB (as I was looking for some of our correspondence) and that sent my grief and anger into another stratosphere. We had some really great parts of our marriage but it wasn't perfect and these findings were devastating. I also didn't want to dishonor his memory so I didn't tell my family or his family or most of our friends about what I discovered. And the ironic thing is that he died right at a period of time when our marriage was getting better and growing.

 

And, the biggest issue is I cant confront him on what I found, get his side of the story and I cant fix it....ever. There is no closure on what could have been fixed so I understand and send support your way.

[Sugarbell]

(((((hugs))))))

 

I understand your pain...DH died from suicide and we had a lot of unresolved issues when he died.

 

It took me years to get over that anger (emotional roller coaster) I suppressed it from my kids (well most of it)...but used pills to suppress it. Like I said it took me years.

 

Please don't feel guilty about feeling angry...they are your feeling and valid for you. In time...it will lessen and soften. Try to do things that nurture your soul-that don't involve thinking of DH or even things with kids. Do nurturing for just you. It will help soften the anger and quiet your soul. Or write it out just like you are doing.

 

You are allowed to write out angry posts....it can be therapeutic (my early days posts on the old board...they were full of venom)

 

We all come from different experiences..and they shape how we grieve.

[ColSavMama]

I honestly didn't expect so many people to respond or understand. I don't know that I have ever expressed my anger out loud out of fear of being deemed horrible for speaking poorly of the dead. Or, I think I expected others to maybe think that when I am sad it's not real, like I am putting on a show, because one minute I hate him and the next minute I miss him.

 

Now that I feel a little more comfortable here, I think I am going to lay out something else that I struggle with. Something I know for a fact I have never said out loud, because it's just awful.

 

I think him dying is my fault. I think I was punished in a way.

 

Ugh. Those words hurt to even write. You see, when we were going through all our messiness. The drinking, the affairs, I don't know how many times I thought 'it would be so much effing easier if he was just gone'. Or, something along those lines. I mean, who does that? Who wishes death on her husband, the father of her children? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT?! There was times I was just so damn angry. Or times, especially in the beginning of our separation that he made it a point to make my life hell. Drunk phone calls all night, showing up at my apartment looking for a fight, throwing other women in my face, just mindless games. With my husband and I, the bad was awful and the good was great. And, through the awful, more than once, I wished for bad bad stuff.

 

And then it happened. And there are times, especially the first few days, that I really feel like it's God punishing me for wishing such a terrible thing. My kids are devastated about losing him, completely devastated, and I didn't think of their feelings or what they'd go through every time I wished for it to happen. And now I have to live with that.

 

I just feel like such an awful human being.

[Wheelerswife]

ColSaveMama,

 

I hear your anguish in your post, and I know your feelings are very real.  I urge you, though, to take a few breaths and take a step back and realize that those thoughts came to you when you were hurt and betrayed and at your wits end.  I haven't been in your shoes, but I did have to face some secrets about my first husband after he died.  The secrets I had were bad enough, but I didn't have infidelity pushed into my face, nor drinking or anything abusive.  You had to do some things to protect yourself and your children.  I know that others can speak to this from first-hand experience, but I have heard several people say something to the effect of their spouse having two parts...the loving person that they loved deeply, and the damaged (for lack of a better word) person that caused pain and anguish because of addiction, mental illness, hurtful behavior...

 

One of our sages here has a line she often invoked...be gentle with yourself.  You did the best you knew how under very trying circumstances.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[anniegirl]

You were absolutely not being punished for anything. It's not unusual to have feelings like that but you were not responsible. If bad wishes could harm people, there would be precious few of us walking around on the planet. You had normal feelings of hurt and anger. You did nothing wrong. Do yourself a kindness and forgive yourself and then let it go.

 

In your first post you mentioned that you don't think you've grieved because you've been so angry, but you had every right to be angry even while you were mourning. They are not mutually exclusive things and you can do both. You were doing both and it's okay if you felt more anger than sorrow.

 

But if you want to move on,  move on. You can do that any time you want to.

 

There is this idea that unless we've "grieved it all out", we remain in a holding pattern where forward progression can't happen.

 

That's not true.

 

I know people who've remarried in the first year. At only months out. My husband was just ten months out when we married. He wasn't done grieving. I don't know when he finished the active part of it to tell you the truth, but he was moving on well before it - that I know.

 

People go back to school, relocate, start relationships, make big plans well before they are done with grieving. There are no rules. There is what works for you and that's the extent of "rules".

 

Do what you want and what's best for you and don't let yourself be held back.

 

Grief is an ebb and flow thing. It takes time but you don't have to put living on hold and wait on it.

 

 

[ColSavMama]

Thank you again , everyone. The understanding and acceptance here is just amazing.