The Return of the Anger Stage

[Captains wife]

I think I just needed to write this post, partially as a vent but also to get any supportive feedback on how to handle it. I want to move forward in a positive way...

 

I had a lot of anger issues (as well as being sad) in my first years as a widow for various reasons. I am almost at year 6 now. Then I went through a really good period - I actually felt happy, was working hard to get my son and I on a happy track, letting things go and not getting angry over stupid little things, being more understanding, working on my happiness project, building a closer bond with my young son etc.

 

Lately, however, feelings of anger are resurfacing and it seems to be building. I almost lost it the other day with my car mechanic and then the parking attendant. I find myself putting a wall up with the guy I am dating and feeling frustrated with his divorce situation. I am frustrated with a lot of the people around me (work, personal) and feel let down by a number of them. I find myself wanting to just stay home and hang out with my son more and more rather than deal with people in the outside world that don't seem to understand and just seem to be upsetting me. (ie. People giving me a hard time about stupid things, including the charity I do work for (for free), friends who don't want to hear the bad stuff, people in my life just generally being very self-absorbed, crazy parents I have to deal with in my school system, people outright lying to me or withholding information). I feel angry again at my late husband and his family. I find myself snapping over stupid little things and letting it get to me. I know part of this is my own self-perception (i.e. I am just seeing the negative) and losing my grief therapist hasn't helped nor has having to deal with a number of developmental issues related to my son but I wonder what else to do, to get back on the calmer happy track again? I don't like being in this negative rut......Part of me things I need to make some drastic changes in my life in general (ie move to a new town).

[Trying]

Sounds like you need a break.  Any chance you can sneak away for a few days alone?  A spa, yoga retreat, hiking trip? Something just for you to recharge and reflect.  I know you usually are intentional on making happiness in your life for you and your son but sometimes things build up and we need to release it just as intentionally. 

 

I have found I need to have new things to focus on to keep my mood up, hobbies, taking on new professional challenges, moving.  Hang in there, I'm sure with some time and reflection you will find your way back to a calmer path.  In the meantime feel free to vent anytime!

[Julester3]

I agree I think you need a day for just you to relax, recharge, and refocus. I know I need it occasionally. It just might be the time for you. Hugs!

[Bunny]

Last year was hard on me, for a number of reasons. So, this year, I committed to a Daily List of 10 things I thought would be helpful to my mental/emotional outlook. I made them simple so it would be hard to justify skipping out, and I made a spreadsheet with places to checking off each thing every day. It has done wonders for me! Maybe think about some things you could do in your own life. A few you might consider for helping to tame your anger- which has also been one of my issues, off and on, over the years:

 

Minimum of 5 minutes meditating. I found this method helpful for shutting my brain down-

http://www.relaxationresponse.org/publications/BostonGlobePowerOfOm.htm

 

Write minimum of three sentences in a journal. Sometimes I write what I’m feeling, sometimes it’s a gratitude list, sometimes I just bitch about the weather or whoever’s irritating me.

 

Hug someone for one full minute- I’d say either your child or significant other. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this has been for me. There are plenty of studies out there to back up the many benefits. My boyfriend is also now sold, and it’s a good way to get over a squabble.

 

Read half an hour of something positive or uplifting. My first book was The World According to Mister Rogers. I’m reading Jane Goodall now.

 

I know you exercise and do hobby stuff- just make sure these aren’t on the back burner.

 

 

The thing about anger is that we can get used to it and it starts to feel really satisfying to indulge in its power. It takes serious mindfulness to recognize and redirect to something more constructive. You acknowledging and wanting to change the narrative are good things. Sometimes I can step back and realize we all have our own battles to contend with, so replacing the anger with sympathy helps- especially when I can keep in mind that nothing is personal, really. Currently, I’m working through feelings of anger and abandonment over a couple friends. It’s been hard to work through, but I need to be completely free of it and ignoring my feelings wasn’t working anymore!

 

Good Luck- and Peace be with you! 

 

 

 

 

[jgib]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this captains wife.

Something to think about is that anger can be a mask for other feelings.  We can go to “angry” because it can feel like the safe option.  Take a bit of time to dig a little deeper under the anger and see what you find.

I will say I am not good a practicing what I preach, I find this very difficult to do.  So much easier for me to be angry sometimes even though I know there is probably more to it.....

[Mizpah]

I can really relate to this, but for me it's not so much a return.  I think I've had a lot of rage ever since and it never abated, but just was waiting for circumstances to "poke the bear."  For me, my anger flares when I have no control or feel I have no control.  When I feel trapped.  When I don't have options.  When I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else's schedule or selfish decisions.  When I don't have freedom.  When I don't have a choice.  Even when someone else is driving and I feel scared: rage.  It doesn't feel good, and I don't really know how to stop it at present.  I wonder if it's tied to the lack of control in DH dying.  I don't know. 

 

I suppose I have nothing helpful, but I sympathize.

[Wheelerswife]

I can really relate to this, but for me it's not so much a return.  I think I've had a lot of rage ever since and it never abated, but just was waiting for circumstances to "poke the bear."  For me, my anger flares when I have no control or feel I have no control.  When I feel trapped.  When I don't have options.  When I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else's schedule or selfish decisions.  When I don't have freedom.  When I don't have a choice.  Even when someone else is driving and I feel scared: rage.  It doesn't feel good, and I don't really know how to stop it at present.  I wonder if it's tied to the lack of control in DH dying.  I don't know. 

 

I suppose I have nothing helpful, but I sympathize.

 

I can relate to a lot of this - just replace “anger” or various versions of it with “anxiety” -and you have me. Certainly not the same thing, but I could have written this same statement from the perspective of anxiety.

 

Hugs to you, CW. And everyone else coping with challenging emotions and figuring out how to move forward with them.

 

Maureen

[Captains wife]

Thank you all so much - your comments are so helpful and much appreciated right now. Its hard feeling this underlying anger and feeling like I am going to snap at stupid things. Its even harder as I am rational, know this isn't the right way to act but am struggling to get these emotions under control especially as I don't know exactly what's driving the underlying resurface or cause of them.

[Bunny]

This thread is reminding me of my husband's anger issues. He expressed every emotion – anxiety, depression, sadness, frustration – with anger.  It was exhausting for me.  From what I've read, a traumatic and unstable childhood can cause this (which he certainly had in spades),  because one gets used to and finds comfort in the adrenaline rush it causes-because it is familiar, not that it feels good. And now, the trauma of his death has brought some anger issues to me. Life is funny when you can learn to appreciate the joke.

[Abitlost]

CW, you have gotten some good feedback here. I think, for me, uneasy feelings come in waves when I am most stressed and/or weary. Just keep up your self care...eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, socializing, and taking time for yourself. And, don't be too hard on yourself.

 

abl