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"Can you imagine losing the love of your life?"


Abitlost
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That was the phrase spoken by a group of friends today in discussing the Bushes. I reminded them that yes, I can, because I have. They tried to clarify that they were talking about losing your partner after 73 years of marriage, and that at 93, most friends are dead, and what does he have to live for? I fell silent, and exited the conversation.

 

They weren't trying to be unkind I know, it was just a DGI comment. I truly am happy for them that they can't imagine it.

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I would have exited the conversation too. You don't need 73 years of marriage to say you lost the love your life. The Bushes were fortunate to have 73 years where many of us never even realized half of that. And the comment of nothing to live for? What about his family? I am pretty sure his grandchildren and great grandchildren would matter

to him. They are there because of his wonderful marriage.

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That was the phrase spoken by a group of friends today in discussing the Bushes. I reminded them that yes, I can, because I have. They tried to clarify that they were talking about losing your partner after 73 years of marriage, and that at 93, most friends are dead, and what does he have to live for? I fell silent, and exited the conversation.

 

They weren't trying to be unkind I know, it was just a DGI comment. I truly am happy for them that they can't imagine it.

 

This is one of those times that shows people say the dumbest things!

 

How much time we have together, and/or our age does NOT dictate our love for each other....

 

It reminds me of when my dh died 11 years ago, and it took everything in me to attend a grief support group. The man running the group actually came to my house and asked me not to come back because my young age (43) upset so many of the people there!

 

I didn't go back. I did learn you can't fix stupid!!! and death doesn't just pick the elderly....

 

I'm so sorry your "friends" were so insensitive. (((hugs)))

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I experienced that quite a bit from family members when my husband died. My mother died three months prior. They were comparing the 41 years my parents were together to the 22 years I was with my husband. I reminded them as calmly as possible that they were talking about my husband and mother. Both painful losses to me. It was so hurtful. It still is. Ignorance is bliss.

 

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When a person in their 90's loses a spouse, surely they have fully considered the possibility. Not that the considering makes it easier but don't we get to a certain age and consider our own mortality and that of our spouse? Living into your 90's isn't all that common...

 

I have nothing but empathy for anyone who loses a spouse though...love is love no matter how old you get to be. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

What I would not give to have had D another 10, 15, 20, years and beyond. You HOPE to grow old together! To see your children grow, marry, and have children of their own. And if you do not have children, you hope to grow old sharing life's adventures good, bad, or otherwise with your companion and life love. 

 

Abitlost, I am so sorry your friends were utter DGIs, because they certainly were!

 

And sudnlysngl, you were kicked put of a grief group? Wow. That is crazy. So...say there was a grief group of younger widows. Can you imagine kicking out an 80 year old widowed woman because she didn't "fit in?" I would hope the group would have much more empathy and kindness than to even think of it. So much for "with age comes wisdom."

 

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52 minutes ago, kjs1989 said:

 

 

And sudnlysngl, you were kicked put of a grief group? Wow. That is crazy. So...say there was a grief group of younger widows. Can you imagine kicking out an 80 year old widowed woman because she didn't "fit in?" I would hope the group would have much more empathy and kindness than to even think of it. So much for "with age comes wisdom."

 

Yeah I sure was!  As a matter of fact the dumb ass running the group had NEVER been married himself! I found this out when I called the head of the hospice who was running it. They

then suggested I drive to another group over 50-60 miles away! I told the woman I was barely able to drive there, and how dare they! They could cause someone to actually go home or stay

home and harm themselves, hope she could live with that, I then hung up on her. I guess she thought about what I said and started calling me back about 3 hours later to which I wouldn't answer her phone calls.

I do recall one woman there who did scold the others  for treating me so badly. They were all like up in their 70's and older.  I will never forget it, and I even remember saying to them that death doesn't just pick old age!

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I was told not to return to a New Beginnings group. I was originally told only of a General group about an hour drive from my home. The first meeting was two widows, one man who lost his brother and a person who needed an AA meetings. That person monopolized the group with a nonsense story. He claimed to know someone who knew someone who lost a family member. The person who lost a family member did not feel the need for support so he was there in his stead. 

 

I looked online for other groups run by that hospice. The New Beginnings was a 15 minute drive from my house and specific to my situation. I attended three times. All was well. When I arrived for the fourth meeting the facilitator wanted to speak to me privately. She said she was relaying a message from the director. The message was that I was to return to the General group an hour drive from home. 

 

I did some research and learned that that hospice rented space in their administrative building to AA. Dots connected. I never returned to the General group. I received a phone call from the director admonishing me for not attending. I told her to get off my phone.  A few hours later I received another call from someone who said she was a counselor. She wanted me to book private sessions with her to deal with my anger issues. 

 

 I wanted to attend a group to interact with others. I was painfully lonely. My spouse was not on service so any private sessions would be fee for service. Hospice was more interested in serving their tenant AA or selling private lessons than helping.   

 

A group member from the New Beginnings phoned me to tell me of another group run by a different hospice. No weird agenda there. It was very helpful. 

 

sudnlysngl, I am not surprised you were asked not to return to the group. I'm sorry that happened to you but not at all surprised. 

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