Another rambling post...

[Wheelerswife]

I’m sitting in a hotel room, passing a little time before heading out to visit a couple more people before heading to the airport. I have been back in Kansas for going on 72 hours. This was my home with my second husband. I left here last July to return to the northeast US where I have long-time roots. The 3+ years here with my second husband were the happiest of my life - full of growth and love and travel and change and challenge. But the unexpected death of my polarbear (his board name) changed just about everything in my life. I stayed here another 3 1/2 years and tacked on 2 more degrees while I processed my loss and tried to figure out my new path. I’m finally on a new path, perhaps not that far down the trail, but I have direction. Soon, I will be in a place of my own again and I am hopeful that life will continue on an upward trajectory.

 

I came back to Kansas to attend a yearly event at the university where my husband was a professor and where I studied over the last years. My husband started this event 13 years ago to promote research at this small state university. When he died, the event committee named the day and event in my husband’s memory. He has been gone over 4 years, but this is the 5th time that the event has carried his name. The event continues to grow and is significantly bigger and better than ever. My husband’s name is plastered across campus and is advertised online, in the newspaper and on local television. His name is now a household word in this community and on campus.

 

The day-long event of research talks, posters, and an exhibition of artwork touched me deeply. The committee members are dedicated to increasing participation across the entire university and there are talks about making the afternoon of the event a holiday for students, faculty, and staff so that more people can attend and participate. There are very few students now who actually knew my husband, but faculty and staff speak of him with fondness and respect. Even new faculty seem to have adopted a reverence for a man they never knew. Oddly, the event has turned into a yearly celebration of his life and memory. He is missed by so many people. It is good to have this space for people to continue to talk about John. I know that doesn’t happen for most people. I know that most people who knew my first husband don’t talk about him with me like people talk about John.

 

I’m not sure exactly where this post was supposed to go, but I am glad there is a place where I can write about my experiences. I barely cried on this trip. I also took care of some banking, met with the people renting my house, took care of insurance and tax matters, saw many friends and colleagues, and visited the cemetery.

 

I’m getting closer to Beyond Active Grieving, I think.

 

I still miss him like crazy...

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Maureen

[Peony]

Hi Maureen,

 

This just warms my heart to read this.  What an awesome tribute to John!

[Trying]

Maureen what a bittersweet event this must have been.  While it amazing to have people remember and honor him it also highlights how much more he had to give.  I hope the positives outweighed the negatives and you continue to have more smiles than tears.  When you look back at all of the major life changes you have gone through since the first time you became a widow it must seem surreal.  We never know where life is going to take us but some how you have managed to keep moving forward even when you've wished you could just go back.

 

Sunshine, I admire that you have been able to continue to participate in the annual award presentation in your husband's honor and to give that gift to your children.  I'm sure it is very bittersweet as well.

[krisnbb]

Hi Maureen - I followed you many years back on the old board and remember your marriage announcement. I haven't been on this board in over a year and logged in today because, well, I don't believe there is such as thing as "beyond active grieving." I'm happy you viewed this event as a celebration and all the best to you in whatever comes next.