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The priorities of love.....


tybec
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I found this. I have been struggling with this. The death of my husband threw the hierarchy off.  And dating a divorced man with kids makes it more complicated.  I have my kid to high school next year.  I have focused on him and care taking of my mother until 2 years ago in the 6 years yrs since  my husband died.  I believe this. I believe it because of my faith but this author doesn't address that. I had this from my parents.  My brother who will be married 41 yrs. in May has demonstrated this (he is 14 yrs. older than me).  My brother that doesn't do this has had horrible marital issues.  My eldest brother had a horrible marriage, blended family and a 2nd marriage that just lasted 8 months.  So, for me, it bleeds truth.

 

Maybe touchy subject, but I see  the problems when things are not in order well.  I didn't ask for the order to be messed up yet here I am.  Anyway.  I will read varying views, I am sure.

 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/matthew-fray/2017/07/the-uncomfortable-truth-on-if-you-should-love-your-spouse-your-parents-or-your-children-most/

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I tried to read the article but Mr. Fay lost me when he stated, in his opinion, many guys put their favorite activity at the top of the priorities. The rest of the list that he attributes to married men is all out of whack too. If that is the case with the men he knows, he needs to seek the company of grownups. Maybe even those that have Faith in the mix as an overarching principle.

 

Still, we all have our priority list and you are correct, the death of your husband threw your hierarchy into turmoil. All big life events do. Others, such as major illness, the birth of a child, job loss, a move, securing daycare, senior parents, etc. will impact the list as well. 

 

The essence of being an adult may be to evaluate the hierarchy as it changes over time, and come to a resolution of the new state of the list and go from there. There is probably no avoiding the hierarchy changes.

 

But that is not to say the reordering of the list cannot be lived with successfully (and happily). We do it all the time even if we don't know we do. It is a disruption, to be sure.

 

You can do this tybec. God knows it is hard work, but if both you and NG work hard at working with each others list, if the differences are not too great, a joyous relationship and life can be had.

 

p.s. - my now wife was done raising her children when we met. I had two under 10. Wildly divergent places in our respective lives. She was caring for a dying parent already. Ten years later, I am. It's  working out because we want it to and both of us are pretty flexible. And because Faith is at the top of both of our hierarchy lists.

 

Good luck!

Mike

 

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I can relate to what he is talking about. Late DH and I failed to make each other a priority and if things didn't change (and he didn't die) my guess is one of us would be considering divorce when the kids were out of the house.  I knew it was a problem and didn't effectively know how to change it.  He did not acknowledge the problem but I like to think he would've come around as the kids got older but I will never know. 

 

In my current marriage we are both trying to make our marriage priority and while it doesn't always look that way on a daily basis with work and kids we try to get away overnight as often as we can manage and focus on us. 

 

I think that blending causes it's own challenges, the parent with shared custody wants to give the kids undivided attention when they have them, the solo parent feels a need to compensate for he deceased parent. 

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I tried to read the article but Mr. Fay lost me when he stated, in his opinion, many guys put their favorite activity at the top of the priorities. The rest of the list that he attributes to married men is all out of whack too. If that is the case with the men he knows, he needs to seek the company of grownups. Maybe even those that have Faith in the mix as an overarching principle.

 

Thanks for this, Portside, I thought the married guy list was his stereotypical experience and of course doesn't represent all married men or women, for that matter.  I know plenty of couples that are devoted to each other and their priorities seem to be different than what he states.

 

As for prioritizing a spouse over all else, I do agree with this.  It's not always easy - raising young children, caring for aging or dying parents, busy careers - but to make an effort at prioritizing a relationship is so important.  I too miss the orderliness and uncomplicated ease of my marriage and am struggling in a new relationship not knowing if I can put him first.  Things to think about .....

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  I think in a committed parenthood ( two parents equally invested in the upbringing of the children) ,children will be high on the list.

  The prioritizing the care of children will be prioritizing the spouse because the spouse will not be at their best if the children are negelected.

MY husband and I worked this way. We didn't live through the children , what we did was not childcentric , it was family oriented. We didn't do a disney cruise but went on a cruise together. We didn't go out to a fancy restaurant alone but to a nice buffet where the everyone could always get something they liked. We'd go camping because it so easily catered to all our needs.

 

The one time we went to NYC alone ( which was great) we kept thinking about how we should be showing the boys it, so much so that we got home, we booked a family trip for 3 months later.( sidenote: my husband died before we made that second trip but I still took the boys)

 

 

I am actually having more difficulty now that I am dating and my kids are on the verge of independance.

Ng is a grown man, sons ( especially my son who fights with depression) still need some guidance. I don't get how if there is a conflict about who needs me I am supposed to prioritize "my man" Maybe I don't understand the depth of the meaning of prioritze.

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Interesting to read views.

 

Portside, Yes, this man is from a different generation from me.  Video games would never be a issue in my marriage, but apparently come up quite a bit for younger couples. I appreciate your comments of hope as I know it is possible.

 

I was married 13 yrs. before we had a child.  We were best friends.  We still had to learn to prioritize us versus us working on our careers, hobbies (golf was one of my LH's which was an all day or all weekend affair), volunteer time, etc.  Once we had a child, we were so thrilled we did focus all on him. But it did get to a point where my husband came to me and told me I was his wife, and he needed me to be that, not just a co parent/mother. 

 

My father had Alzheimers diagnosed when I was 29.  My husband was able to support me in helping my mother with my father, and during this time, my husband had cancer and then we eventually had a child. I look back and know we made it through because we had our strong marital bond. We could take care of others knowing the security and trust  in our relationship.  It was hard, but we did it.  And our child's needs were always met.

 

The article clearly says DON"T get married if you are not ready to put that person first.  I see why he says that, and living together is the same thing, I believe.  So, we are not there yet to make that commitment, but I won't stay waiting forever either. 

 

NG is from a divorced family and admits he resents his mother when she remarried, feeling put to the side. He also resents his father who is and was an philander, so he does not know how to be a couple first and care for the children's needs as well.  I have the opposite experience of parents married 56 yrs. and always there, but also being a couple. 

 

The prioritizing the care of children will be prioritizing the spouse because the spouse will not be at their best if the children are neglected.

Exactly, Klim.  And you are in no way ready to commit to marriage at this point, so no conflict for you anyway.

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I agree with the article...it’s why I am a great girlfriend but would not be a good wife at this stage of my life.

 

What we run into in middle age...2 people with a demanding separate lives..kids, elderly needy parents (my NG mom)..different living environments.

 

Right now and for some time my kids will continue to come first. I’ve come too far to screw them up now.

 

So yeah-in my opinion the author is correct. When you’re young and building a new life together..it’s just flows. Your spouse should come first. But many folks enter with 2 separate lives that have been built and meshing them isn’t always easy. This isn’t with everyone-and I’m sure if I met a guy with a less demanding extended life I may feel different.

 

When my kids are grown I’ll remarry..I’ve always felt that in my gut . (Maybe with NG but maybe not)..

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To be fair, while I didn't read the article, I have read the conversation.  I've remarried a widower.  We have three children between us on two continents who have wildly different needs and issues.  Its complicated, to put it mildly.  But we committed to one another and - while sometimes stressful - we follow through on that commitment.  I guess my philosophy has always been that as long as we have one another we'll be fine.  Hierarchy is a word I do not like.  Maybe I am being over analytical.  But a relationship/marriage is a partnership.  Sometimes one person carries more of a burden than the other.  I've always believed a family is at its best when every person is building up the others in the family, helping them to actualize their best selves; sometimes one family member has greater, more immediate needs than another and as a family, it is our responsibility to lift that person up.  I get it that it isn't always that easy and I admit I have my own moments of weakness sometimes but I hold to this philosophy.

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Thank you for posting - I enjoyed reading this. It did generalize a bit but was thought provoking. Has anybody read "Bringing Up BeBe?" - which reflects on the differences between how Europeans and Americans raise children (Europeans tend to put less all in focus on the children, all the time because sometimes "adults need to be adults"). My son is a top priority for me certainly, especially since I am a solo parent, but I do not have the entire world revolve around him all the time. But I guess I don't always prioritize my relationship either. In contrast, my new (divorced) guy has had trouble with prioritization (he never wanted to disappoint his young son, ever, so his son has tended to come first literally most of the time). Over time, he has realized this wasn't working and it created cracks in our relationship - yet he has been adapting his behavior in a favorable way, especially now the custody battle is over. (The article's comment on blended couples was interesting on prioritizing your own children). The balance is getting healthier again and its making our relationship better.

 

I personally think its about balance in relationships - in that no one person is prioritized all the time but there are times when certain things in your life need to be more important than others. I agree that its important for children to see that parents (or step parents) are taking time to for themselves as a couple. And I think its important to prioritize the relationship too that you have with yourself (I make sure, for example, I have down time alone). 

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Again, nice thoughts/comments.

 

 

But our spouse. THAT is a particularly unique and special relationship. That’s not inherited. Love is not some pre-packaged thing that comes along with dating or marriage like it does with being born into a family or having kids of your own.

 

Your spouse is someone you CHOOSE. Out of every human being—billions of them—you choose that person.

 

It is a love as rich and powerful as we have for our parents and children, but it’s one that is grown. Something purely voluntary.

 

Love is a choice we must make every day.

 

The author's statement. This made sense to me.  I know you can say you have to choose to love your children, family, too, but there is a tie there when many can end a marriage/relationship.

 

 

And I like how you put it CW.

I personally think its about balance in relationships - in that no one person is prioritized all the time but there are times when certain things in your life need to be more important than others. I agree that its important for children to see that parents (or step parents) are taking time to for themselves as a couple. And I think its important to prioritize the relationship too that you have with yourself (I make sure, for example, I have down time alone).

 

But you have to have that trust, love and bond with your partner to fall back onto so to take care of other's needs, not at the expense of the partnership, which I think is the whole context of the article.  I had times when I needed to be reminded.  And blending other's lives, yes, a whole new experience.

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I finally got around to reading the article and I pretty much agree with the author. In simplest terms, in a good marriage, you know your spouse has your back and you have theirs (even when you are royally pissed at each other). When this is true, when both people in the relationship feel a total commitment, then everything else can be handled, together. It doesn’t mean prioritizing a planned romantic dinner when your child suddenly gets the flu, but of being mindful and cherishing your spouse every day in small ways. It’s a gift, not a disservice,  to children to show them how love and commitment work in a functioning marriage. Of course, in blended families this is more difficult to navigate, but I do still agree that the marriage has to be your priority or it is doomed to fail; when the partnership is primary then all problems can be solvable because you’re willing to communicate and compromise and make choices together for the greater good. I’m a huge believer in extended pre-marital counseling and I think it’s doubly important when blending, because our vision can so easily be clouded by the best of intentions. 

 

My husband was terrible at doing any of the housework. I get it, housework is endless and not that much fun, but it definitely made me feel unsupported and it did affect other areas of our relationship. I see friends who prioritize their children slowly drifting away from their spouses until they’re  basically roommates. I’ve listened to people complain endlessly about their spouse. I’ve certainly watched people putting their hobby, their passion, ahead of their spouse. Unfortunately, it can be easiest to ignore the ones you love, to take things for granted, to become complacent. Marriage takes putting in the effort every day, to actively listen and respect one another, to see and treat them as a loving partner, not one extra burden/chore to be dealt with. 

 

Its interesting to be in a relationship now where he does work around the house without me having to ask. It makes me feel cherished when he cooks dinner or scrubs a toilet- which makes me not care at all when he leaves the seat up! 

 

 

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I guess for me it seems like if everyone behaves like a grown up it all takes care of itself. I was lucky that my parents gave me a great example of what a good, solid marriage looks like. My Dad put my Mom on a pedestal and she looked at my Dad as if he was the absolute most honorable person that ever lived. I never did any of that (well maybe a little).  I married pretty young (22) and we grew up and into our marriage without a lot of stress about not always getting along- for sure the few times we let my Mom see us at odds with each other were very stressful for her but we always knew we were a very together couple nevertheless. My late husband could be a real selfish piece of work and he was lazy too. I was crazy about him though, we had a great friendship with each other, we had lots of laughs. I found him intelligent, he was intrigued by the way my mind works. I gained weight as I aged and I'm sure that drove him crazy. I complained about having to cook because we couldn't always afford to eat out or even to bring in take-out. We did get to a place, later in life, when my husband had me on a pedestal and we even got to a place where we argued less and less. 

 

When our daughter was born he was all but forgotten until I weaned her. How do you not put all of your focus on a helpless infant? How big a baby does someone have to be to expect a new mother to give more of her attention to him than to the product of their sexual energy? We never spoiled our daughter but we certainly thought she was A#1 kid on the planet and since he died when she was just 17 he hardly got to see any of her amazingness. 

 

Part of my attraction to him was that he had interests outside of me. He was intense. I like intensity. I always had my own desires too. We were kind of each other's Lazy-Boy- that place of complete comfort that we settled into after the work and the hobbies and the kid were taken care of for the day. 

 

He died before I had to take care of my mother in her old age. By then I was remarried to husband #2. He is not a selfish piece of work and he is SO NOT LAZY. He is a widower and his late wife was a workaholic. I am not and he likes that about me. It doesn't mean he didn't love her. He just likes that I am not a workaholic. We are happy- not the same as I was happy with number 1. Equal but very different. If you add it all up I'm very successful at being married, at making a spouse happy, at balancing the importance of this and that. Husband #2 never complained when I was away from home for over a month tending to my Mother as she died. Then...she was my priority. 

 

I think the priorities of love are patience and tolerance and kindness and empathy. I smile at my new husband more than I ever did husband # 1 and the reason is I know what it's like to suddenly have that person yanked away. I know what it feels like to be bereft and miserable. I also know what I'm made of and how much I have to give and that makes me pretty happy too. I'm enough of a grown-up to feel tremendous gratitude for the swell deal life handed me after giving me the dried up heel at the bottom of the bread bag. 

 

I agree that we choose our spouse. But loving another person is not a choice. It's something we simply cannot help- but I see that this only applies really if you are happy with each other,  if the love you share is satisfying and something you would have a hard time living without. As opposed to loving someone who treats you badly. I have to say I don't understand that sort of love at all but I've been lucky there too.

 

There were times when I was first widowed that I thought "Oh, how nice- I never have to make pork chops again!" (I hate pork chops) but it was such a lousy trade off. And wouldn't you know, my new husband loves pork chops! And he accepts that I refuse to make them for him. I learned how it made me feel to do something for someone that I didn't want to do. I'm not saying that I never do something that I don't want to do but I DRAW THE LINE AT PORKCHOPS. 

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Mike -- I had to smile at your comment. Both my BF and I are about half a century old and enjoy one video game in particular. *raises hand to admit she has played the game instead of cleaning the kitchen* 😁 

I've mentioned in other threads that I started reading the modern equivalent of advice columns when I started dating again and the stand-outs were

  1. Have your own interests and hobbies 
  2. Appreciate the interests and hobbies of the person you are dating
  3. If it's the plan to be serious, be sure to make time to be a couple

I was not a gamer but at one point BF started apologizing for all the time he was spending on this game. I was at his place and started asking questions about it and watching how he played. I saw a character that I thought I could get into and mentioned it. He knew I was a tech geek but just about blinded me with the glow of the smile on his face when I said I'd check it out. I went home and started playing, eventually took a screenshot that weekend to show him how I was doing. He was impressed. We live together now and the game is part of our daily routine.

jeudi -- I had to crack up at your pork chop comment (BF and I both like them). My no-zone when it comes to food are certain veggies and things like ice cream floats. He laughs when he makes one and I just say, 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about me stealing your float because I like my soda and ice cream separate, thank you'. Since being with him, I have eaten a few things I said I would never eat (much to my mother's glee).

From the article, I really liked this point:  A marriage between two people who truly cherish one another and maintain their romantic and sexual spark through MINDFUL INTENTION and channeling energy into the human being they promised to love, honor and serve for the rest of their lives

Mindful intention ... that's it right there. I don't think it's about choosing a baby over a BF or husband (or GF or wife) but finding balance. Making sure there is still a date night. Making sure there is 'grown up' time when the baby is not at home and it can be just the two of you doing more than hugging 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 Making sure you show each other that you care.

Part of the problem is, once the relationship loses that new car smell (and it always does -- if we are blessed to grow older together, we don't do the same things anymore. Things start sagging that didn't before. Wrinkles, gray hairs in various places, more or less hair in places ... it happens), things can get boring. People forget to look cute for the other person once in a while. They forget to do special little things like they did when they were dating. The couples that stay together for as long as life allows these days are the ones who never neglect to do those things.

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Thanks for the well thought commentaries.  

 

 

Bunny, you wrote what I couldn't articulate well. The word hierarchy was interpreted differently than I understood, also.

 

"I finally got around to reading the article and I pretty much agree with the author. In simplest terms, in a good marriage, you know your spouse has your back and you have theirs (even when you are royally pissed at each other). When this is true, when both people in the relationship feel a total commitment, then everything else can be handled, together. It doesn’t mean prioritizing a planned romantic dinner when your child suddenly gets the flu, but of being mindful and cherishing your spouse every day in small ways. It’s a gift, not a disservice,  to children to show them how love and commitment work in a functioning marriage. Of course, in blended families this is more difficult to navigate, but I do still agree that the marriage has to be your priority or it is doomed to fail; when the partnership is primary then all problems can be solvable because you’re willing to communicate and compromise and make choices together for the greater good."

 

 

There is ia reason research states marriage satisfaction is at a low with having very young children.   The responsibilities and therefore time are to care for them as they require it.  I am thankful to have had a grandma that  lived close to give me and LH adult time, although limited but so needed.

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