When will I stop dreading the other shoe dropping?

[KrypticKat]

My husband died in a sudden car accident. From that moment it's as if I stepped through a wormhole and I've had to figure out how to live on a new planet. I struggled with challenges from psychotic in-laws, inappropriate advances from work colleagues related to my situation, Financial scares.... Things I'm sure a lot of you can relate to. All through it I've also had to deal with the grief and the anger and the tears and the anxiety.

 

I've come a long way. I feel like I've done the majority of my grieving although moments do come back out of the blue. I find I need to spend more time on honoring and thinking about him instead of suffering in the pain now. But the one feeling I can't seem to shake is the anxiousness. That fear that something bad is inevitably going to happen again. Granted the worst has happened now. However the last couple years have felt like emotional whack-a-mole. Fighting with lawyers, insurance brokers and even those most close to me. I felt like things were finally settling maybe I would start to feel some peace. And then I got into a car accident. And seeing that metal crumple in front of me just brought it all back. I was never in the car with my husband but I'd seen the pictures. My car accident wasn't nearly as violent in fact physically I'm okay. But since it happened a few weeks ago I find myself panicking against my challenges instead of taking the bull by the horns. I feel like if my emotional state was Chutes and Ladders I've just hit a shoot and gone back down the board. It's terribly frustrating because I've dealt with a lot of crap the last couple years and I'm proud of how I've handled everything. I don't want to go backwards. But this minor fender-bender really feels like it has set me back. My confidence has dropped, I'm freaking out more often instead of just taking a deep breath and dealing with it. And I'm convinced people are looking at me like I'm crazy again. You know... Those looks people gave you the first few months like oh you poor broken thing. 😫

[Captains wife]

KripticKat - I'm so sorry to hear about your accident - that must have been very triggering! I am now 6 years out...and I completely understand what you wrote. My husband too died in an accident and I had to go identify his body when they found him. Ill never forget that day as long as I live. I spent months with lawyers (although this didn't get anywhere), with the authorities and had to relive the situation over and over for the first 2 years. It makes a big difference, believe me, when all that is over. I do, however, still suffer from mild anxiety that something is going to happen to my son and, although this anxiety has improved over time (and it comes and goes), I get really anxious if his school calls etc. I nearly had a meltdown when his nanny got into a car accident (but luckily he wasn't with her that day).  So I guess I want you to know you aren't alone in this but handling it is tough - things that have helped me are time, seeing a grief therapist, taking some down time if I feel very anxious.

[beth_krkswidow]

Kk, I am so sorry to hear about your accident.  Absolutely 110% understandable  Don't know how you'd have any OTHER reaction.

Just sending hugs

[hikermom]

KyrpticKat - i can only imagine that your own car accident brought back all of your feelings and fears. That is a completely understandable and rational response, albeit an involuntary one, I am sure.

 

Although my husband did not die in an accident, he did die suddenly. For the past 5+ years, I've definitely struggled with anxiety mainly focused on my daughter as Captains wife also expressed. I think we've walked closer to the veil than a lot of people and know how fast life can change. Life as we know it can alter dramatically in a split second. I still can't seem to fully manage it when I can't locate my daughter and people do not understand why I want and need to know if they are going to be late bringing her home from a soccer practice or some such thing. My imagination goes to worst possible scenario. Sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism - that if I can imagine and prepare for the worst, then it won't happen. It makes no sense but then again, I'm coming to terms with my irrationality!

 

You aren't alone. It is understandable, particularly with your accident. And I wish for you a release from that fear.

[MR]

Hi KryptiKat,

Sorry to hear about your accident. The anxiety is very common among us. It is 20 months but still after calls with lawyer rest of the day is quite tough for me to go thru. Last year my son was having tooth extract and I was panicking as they would give him anesthesia. If even today if doesn`t call for a day i panic.

Take care

Manoj

[Leadfeather]

I understand the anxiety. If I come home and my son does not answer hello, I go upstairs to make sure he is not lying dead on the floor. I know he is out at a class or at work, but I still have to check before I can relax. I never felt the need before my wife died, but ever since I found her body in the yard, I always have to check. I wonder if it will ever change.

[MR]

I suppose been single and not having a backup makes us more anxious.

[Peony]

22 hours ago, Leadfeather said:

I wonder if it will ever change.

 

I honestly don't think so. I think it's just one of the many ways we have become forever altered by our experience.

[Portside]

I dunno. Maybe I've developed an immunity to that feeling.

 

I suppose I have made my peace with rough things happening at some point. Everyone I love will eventually die. Not according to any discernible plan I can see of course. I try not to fear the inevitable - I won't live in fear of those events.

 

Every time one of the kids or my wife drive off, in the back of my mind I know they might not come back. Heck, I might not.

 

 

 

 

[Captains wife]

I wish I could think like that....For some bizarre reason, I get serious anxiety here and there that something will happen to my only son. I feel, given what happened to my husband and our family, it will happen to me again. Completely irrational and illogical thinking I know but I'm really scared of losing my young son suddenly, especially as my son isn't always with me all the time (at school, I work with a long commute etc, I don't have family close by so I pay a caregiver).

[Bunny]

Widowhood has kinda turned me into a fatalist- I control nothing so no point in worrying, right? And yet, at the same time, I have also gained some pretty severe general anxiety issues. It’s frustrating and I mostly force myself to push through the feelings when they happen but this new normal can sure make everyday life more challenging, to say the least. And yeah, there is limited sympathy/understanding for anxiety issues,  but I think that’s pretty true of most mental illnesses.