New and unexpected

[Jessm1]

Hi. On March 19th I came home to find my husband of 5 months sitting on the couch not breathing and purple. I had just seen him at lunch around 1130 and I was going to the doctors after work, it was his day off, and he wanted to come hang out while I waited. I got out of work a little later than I wanted to and had to rush to the doctor’s office. I tried calling and he didn’t answer. I left a message telling him I was going to just head straight over since I was running late. I drive by the house on the way and saw his car was home. I assumed he was taking a nap or in the shower. I kept driving and spent another hour at my appointment. I came home around 510 and just saw him sitting there hunched over. He and a root canal that morning and when he didn’t respond to me saying his name, I froze and looked at his arms, there were purple patches, I ran around the couch and saw there was drool and blood on the table, I instantly thought something went wrong with the dental work that morning. And then I saw the needle and a spoon.

 

His name was Ron and he was 31 years old. He died of an accidental overdose and I’m still waiting on final toxicology and death certificate after 1.5 months. I had known he  struggled with pain pills but he was clean, I thought he was anyways, that’s the only way I agreed to get married. We were trying to have children and he was looking into going to school since I had just set up with my degree and college, it was his turn to do what he wanted. The night before we talked at length about the next year of our lives and what he wanted to do. We talked kids, school, careers, and support. He seemed happy, it felt like our lives were beginning to really start. It was a shock for all who knew him, even those who knew he had struggled with opiates in the past. He was a good man and everything was going well. I still can’t believe it most days. 2 weeks after he died I found out I wasn’t pregnant which some say is a blessing but I feel like I have no one to share his memory with.

 

His sister in law just got pregnant and everyone is looking forward to that. Everyone seems to want to forget and move forward with life. I’m trying to be happy for them. I am happy for her, but it’s also devastating. My family thinks I should be handling this all more gracefully. Anytime I get more than just tearful, but cry, or yell, or get angry, I am told I’m having a meltdown. I’ve asked for help with food, laundry, cleaning because when I get home I can barely function after keeping it together at work all day. I teach and I tune it out, as soon as I get to my car and know I’m going to an empty house I start crying. I get home and have to flip the TV on and try to distract myself until I can fall asleep. It’s hard for me to ask for help. Yet, when I do, every time, I’ve been told they are busy or maybe another day, or they don’t understand why I need help cleaning? It’s like they think I’m milking it. I also have to move because I can’t afford where we live on just my paycheck. I’m already having to try and box stuff up and I feel alone and like no one understands. I feel like people are cruel and I wonder how the hell this is happening. I can’t believe this is all happening.

 

I miss my new husband and the life we were about to create. I don’t understand why he did this and how I didn’t know it was a possibility. I feel like I was blind and selfish to not have seen the warning signs that now, after his death, seem obvious. Because I don’t feel safe to be upset, I only lose it when alone, so most people keep telling me how strong I am and how amazing I’m handeling it all. It makes me really angry. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Jessm1,
 

I am so sorry you had to join our club.  Your beloved Ron should still be here with you.  Unfortunately, it isn't unusual for people to lack understanding of the loss of a spouse, particularly at a young age and under tragic circumstances.  Heck, I didn't know before myself.  But losing a spouse really kicks us hard.  I'm going to try to find some old threads here and resurrect them for you and a few others who are new here.

 

Your experiences, emotions, paralysis...these are all NORMAL.  Read here.  Post to your heart's content.  We understand.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Jessm1]

Thank you. 

[hikermom]

Jessm1 -

 

Firstly,  I'm so sorry you have cause to be here but glad you found this site.

 

I can only assume that people feel afraid of the manner of your husband's death. Overdose freaks many people out (hell, death freaks people out!) and that can cause a pulling away. You may know there is a section here for folks whose partners died from overdose or by suicide. It can help to have others who know the unique experience more individually as they can help you process the complex world of your own grief as the challenges of dealing with unknowing family and friends.

 

It isn't fair that you have to figure it out on your own. This is the time you should have understanding and love and compassion to help buoy you through. Are there local support groups? Places where you can find emotional support locally as well as on here? Having that connection with people here was critical for me early on. I needed to know that what I was feeling and experiencing wasn't crazy. When you are younger, you likely don't know any widow/ers in real life who are younger and can understand. It feels so isolating. Losing a spouse to overdose, unfortunately, only adds to that sense of isolation.

 

Keep posting here and asking for support. We do understand.

 

HM

[MR]

Hi Jessm1 ,

Sorry to see you in this club who nobody wants to join. Please keep writing and ready this forums as it is very helpful in initial days and month. Eat and drink lots of water. Nobody can understand what is it to lose a spouse at this age unless they go thru the same.

 

Take care

Manoj

[KrypticKat]

Hello Jessm1,

 

Let me start by saying I'm so sorry that you have to be here. What you went through is the most painful thing imaginable. And what you witnessed must have been truly traumatizing. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and unfortunately the way people are behaving around you is pretty standard. People that have never walked through what you've been through just won't get it. There's this mentality that we need to look on the bright side because nobody wants to stare pain right in the face but you don't get that option. My husband died in a horrible car accident and I think most people were just terrified when they saw me melting down afterwards because that's not the me they knew.

 

Your friends and family might just be struggling to accept where you're at right now. But you are normal and you have every right to feel dysfunctional and like you're losing it. You are in an amount of pain the can't even be described and that doesn't come with a single tear staring off into the sunset like in the movies. Nobody has a Hollywood death. It comes with screaming on the floor and eating your weight and chocolate and then not eating for days. It comes with feeling like you have absolute clarity and then nothing making sense in a matter of seconds. And the isolation is brutal. But if you work at it over time you will find others that connect with you and will let you be who you need to be. Keep those people close and use this website. It will keep you going. Nothing you are experiencing is easy. Try to breathe and drink water. Do what you can handle and be gentle with yourself.

 

Sending you a hug

 

KK

[sudnlysngl]

19 hours ago, KrypticKat said:

Hello Jessm1,

 

Let me start by saying I'm so sorry that you have to be here. What you went through is the most painful thing imaginable. And what you witnessed must have been truly traumatizing. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and unfortunately the way people are behaving around you is pretty standard. People that have never walked through what you've been through just won't get it. There's this mentality that we need to look on the bright side because nobody wants to stare pain right in the face but you don't get that option. My husband died in a horrible car accident and I think most people were just terrified when they saw me melting down afterwards because that's not the me they knew.

 

Your friends and family might just be struggling to accept where you're at right now. But you are normal and you have every right to feel dysfunctional and like you're losing it. You are in an amount of pain the can't even be described and that doesn't come with a single tear staring off into the sunset like in the movies. Nobody has a Hollywood death. It comes with screaming on the floor and eating your weight and chocolate and then not eating for days. It comes with feeling like you have absolute clarity and then nothing making sense in a matter of seconds. And the isolation is brutal. But if you work at it over time you will find others that connect with you and will let you be who you need to be. Keep those people close and use this website. It will keep you going. Nothing you are experiencing is easy. Try to breathe and drink water. Do what you can handle and be gentle with yourself.

 

Sending you a hug

 

KK

KK says it very well and so do the others, I'm so sorry you've had to join this club that no one wants to be a member of. Sadly you will find that others will pull away from you because now you remind them that it can happen to them, and you as a young woman are a "threat" to them. I find that to be the most ignorant thing in the world , but they do see us women in that context.

Remember to eat, drink, and do the best you can to take care of that baby you are carrying, it is a part of both of you. Come here and vent, scream, cry all you want, WE GET IT! WE UNDERSTAND! Know that you are NOT alone....

(((hugs)))