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Need bucking up following sale of house


hikermom
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I finally sold my house. I'd hoped to stick it out until DD graduated from high school but the commute, the maintenance, and the worry just got to be too  much. Rationally I know it was a good decision but now I feel like I made a huge mistake. I feel horrible that I'm taking DD away from the one home she can remember; that I'm leaving a setting and a place that I love for living in a townhouse; that I made this decision far too emotionally.

 

Deep down I know it was necessary. I'd been worrying about a lot of different things going on the house. Perhaps they would have come to be, perhaps not but just the worry about it was exhausting. Living so far from work and in such a rural location, I've had zero social life and am isolated and lonely. My life has consisted of work, carting DD around to sports and music lessons, and maintenance on the house. My health has declined because I'm not exercising or cooking healthy meals.

 

But now that it is sold and I'm just renting back until the end of the school year, I'm assailed by doubt. Doesn't hurt that it is now spring and the river sounds glorious. The peepers are incredible. The flowers are starting to emerge. I walked by the bulbs we planted when he died; the stone wall that the two of us built; the tree trunk where he cut down a black cherry and I yelled at him to not kill himself or crush the house. So many memories were born here and many have died here.

 

I guess I just need others who have moved to tell me that the intensity of this emotion will wane. That I'll not lose more memories but in fact will create new one. I need to have people remind me of all the hard parts of living where I do and that I'm opening up to a new chapter.

 

I just feel like I'm closing a chapter that I didn't want to end.

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OH, I understand, Hikermom.   I literally was at my house yesterday, picking up some last things.  I dug up some of my grandmother's dwarf irises, the columbine the hummingbirds love, and took the cat statue from under the my late husband's willow tree as I buried her there.  I have a lovely magnolia that started blooming finally, the red maple, the hostas are beautiful, the salvia, the blooming crab apple tree, my hydrangeas coming back,  and more.  The St. Christopher's statue my LH knocked the head off when he shagged a golf ball.  The house should close on the 18th.  I haven't lived there since Aug.  It is a burden, as I walked looking at all the overgrown flower beds, too much and too big.  But the only place my son lived.  His playground and fort in the back yard.  My neighbors are still there and mow for me again until sold, still.

I moved last year, new school for my teen, my mother in a facility we did not have in our town, and my NG I date all in the same larger city.  It was huge to do.  I still have days. My son is thriving in his much better school district, and I have a great church and am branching out professionally. Friendships are slower to grow.  I needed to move. I needed to not be stuck, and my  health was suffering.  I just wrote about a hike I took in the national forest here, and my blood pressure is normal today!  Most days I am thrilled and feel so strong, and I am so proud of my teen.  I, too, expected him to graduate from the old home.  He still misses friends, but everything else is better. 

 

It is another loss.  Another goodbye and letting dreams pass.  Some days, still hard. Getting better. Good luck. I understand. 6 yrs. out.  It is better for me and my son. 

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Hikermom, I'm almost 4 years out from DH's death, and moved from my dream home/little hobby farm outside a small town almost 2 years ago, with many of the same reasons and concerns. It was hard, and I miss it, but it was the right decision.  I had few connections there and was feeling isolated (we'd only moved there for LH's job). Also, I was in need of major knee surgeries, which made upkeep hard.  In moving, I was also able to spend more time with my late eldest sister before she died of cancer recently.  

 

I still hold out hope that once my youngest graduates and some other matters are resolved that I can move out a little to a home that's a little more rural.  But I have no doubt that I needed to make the move; it was the right decision.

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My heart goes out to you.  You made a difficult decision with a great deal of thought.  I moved and was an emotional wreck during the process but I have not regretted it and once we were moved in i regained my sanity (what little it may be!).  It was the right decision even though it was incredibly hard.  I would expect you and your daughter will go through a full range of emotions during this move but keep reminding yourself of the very good reasons that brought you to make the decision.  

 

Your memories will follow you wherever you go and a better quality of life is much more important than holding onto the past.  Feel free to reach out anytime you feel the doubt taking over, you can do this!

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5 hours ago, hikermom said:

So many memories were born here and many have died here.

 

This is why a home is never just a house. Our home is a real, tangible location that has given witness to all of our memories & experiences. It holds a place in time as well as a place in our heart. The stone wall, the tree trunk, the bulbs & the river, they all have irreplaceable meaning and value.

 

I understand completely everything you said and the doubt & apprehension that you feel. Your concern for DD as well as the fact that it represents another lost connection to DH. However, your reasons for moving are also valid. Long commute, maintenance, worry, isolation and loneliness. I don't think that you made the decision too emotionally at all. I would venture to say that you agonized over it for a painfully long amount of time. Probably loosing many nights of sleep pondering over all of the possibilities. You admit that it was the rational decision and it was most certainly the harder of the two choices. That's usually how you know it was the right one.

 

I have moved once out of necessity and once out of choice. The moving process was difficult & emotionally taxing, but I have no regrets. I am happy where I am now. Sometimes you just inherently know when it's time to move on. I think you should be extremely proud of yourself and look forward to that new chapter. You made a wise choice for you and DD and you are providing her with a wonderful example of fortitude!

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Hugs to you, HM. 

 

Isn't it difficult leaving that place where you shared so much joy?  I still own my house in Kansas, having chosen to rent it out for a couple of years while I made my transition back east.  So...I have one foot out the door and the other tripping on the threshold.  I'm not sure if that is better than going out cold turkey, but I just didn't have all the energy I would have needed to move out and try to find a job and jump-start a career at the same time.  It is coming close to a year since I left Kansas, and in some ways it truly feels less painful, but I have this overall sense that the best times in my life have already occurred.  I was incredibly happy with my second husband; he was my knight in shining armor - and with him, I pulled myself out of the depths of the loss of my first husband.  My challenge now is to look past this sense and to tell myself that I have more life to live and it ought to be a happy life.  Fortunately, my new job gives me a good sense of purpose.  I'm still finishing the details of my new place to live.  Give me a couple of weeks, and I will be reunited with my own property in a place that I can begin to make my own - even if only for a year or 2.

 

I hope that getting into town will bring both you and your daughter more quality time and freedom and the opportunity to socialize and expand your horizons.

 

Maureen

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Hikermom - that has to be so hard...I'm so sorry.....widow hugs to you. But I want to commend you on taking this brave step to make choices that, for many good reasons, will be good for the two of you down the road - and some of the things that you mentioned you want to change will change in a new environment. I understand the comment about building new memories...that will just take time but I believe that will happen for you and your daughter. (I haven't yet had the courage to make such a change although I keep talking about it - and I think its what my son and I need).

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Thanks all. I had just a horrible day when I posted this. Crying frequently, feeling overwhelmed and so lost. I kept thinking this couldn't just be the house (although clearly that was a massive trigger) and that it had to be some anniversary of something: our daughter's adoption day? No. A half-year anniversary of his death? No. What the hell was it. I then realized it was the day my mom died, 14 years ago. I should have realized this earlier because my parents had been on my mind a lot - realizing so many of the plants around my house are from my parents' home; that this was where I was living when they died, too. Just more layers of grief and loss that my body was telling me I needed to recognize so that I could move along.

 

I appreciate the posts and PMs. I may not post as much on here as the old board but I still need this as a touchpoint. One place where I'm understood and not judged for where in this journey I may be.

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It's good you were able to put your finger on another piece of the puzzle of what was triggering you, hikermom. The subconcious is an incredible thing! And it makes sense that the losses you identified intensified your reactions.  

 

Is there any way you can take a transplant/plant division or two, or seeds, from any of your parents' plants with you? I don't know if your townhouse gives you any garden space. (I still have a division of a flowering shrub of my grandmother's from way far back; this last move was rough though due to the season, and almost didn't make it. It sounds silly, but I'd have been really upset it it'd died. But it's a physical reminder of a tie back to another important person and time.)  

 

Sympathies, best wishes, and hopes for your move and getting settled again!  I feel for you!

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Oh Hikermom, I remember this. I sold our home a couple of years ago, it was a very hard decision, and it was the right decision. It was right for my life circumstances and my finances. The flower garden that had collected all the years of plants and memories... the bedroom we shared... the tree and the yard our children played in growing up. All those memories. I hear you, I've been there, the intensity of the emotions will wane. And like all of the other things we experience in this journey, once in a while, you'll feel it. The love, the memories, the flowers and the river you enjoyed there, the grief of what was. 

 

I have zero flowers in my new home, its all rock! But I'm finally feeling settled enough to plan a new garden and pick out some plants. My best to you in making new memories wherever you land. You'll get settled in the new rhythms of your life, I think you did the best for you and for your daughter. 

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I plan on getting an apartment downtown at the end of the summer when my sons move out. One is getting his own place, one is heading back to college. Then I will get the the house that had been our home for 20 years ready to sell. This thread has been helpful. Thank you.

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This thread is helpful.  My DH passed on March 11, 2018.  I can neither afford nor maintain our home alone.  I could sit there until the money is all gone and the bank forecloses, but the house is the one and only card I have to play, so I have to play it while I'm a little ahead of the game. So the house is going on the market hopefully beginning of June.  I plan on taking chunks of flowers from his gardens and starting a garden in his honor where ever it is that I land.  I am so sad about having to leave the home we built together, but there are no other options.  It is all an emotional roller coaster, but I am right there with you in the front seat!!!  I am sorry for the both of us, and for everyone that is going through this horribly dark time and those that have already been there...

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Possession on my house -our house -was this past Tuesday.  It took us nearly 6 months of house hunting to find this one.  It was love at first sight.  I am not much for material things, but I loved this house as did he.  We often sat in it marvelling that it was really our house.  The decision to sell it was difficult, but I have to say in those final days of packing I was so sick of it all that I just wanted to be done and out.  I have not really lived in it since September as I have been on a year off.  I feel I did a lot of my grieving for leaving prior to.  But it really is hard.  As has been mentioned, it is not just a house but a home full of memories and hopes and dreams.  I get that it is the end of a chapter that we didn’t want to end.  I told someone that we only moved in in May 2013 (he died Dec 2015) and it was supposed to be our forever house.  They pointed out that for DH, it was his forever home.  I do like that idea.

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