Steph Posted May 10, 2018 Share Posted May 10, 2018 My soulmate passed away on March 11, 2018 after battling cancer for almost 2 years. We lived together for 13 years and were married 5.5 months. I am numb at this point. Work keeps me busy during the day and my weekends are spent trying to get the house ready to go on the market as I can't afford it alone and can't maintain it alone. I never thought that I would be alone again, he was my best friend, my everything and we were always together. But here I am, at 46 years old, alone and shattered. Yes, he is still with me, I can feel him and we talk all the time in my head. Not sure if I am going crazy because I never believed in any of that stuff before, but here I am... I am not sure where I will be mentally once the house that we made beautiful and perfect is gone, it is killing me to have to sell it, I am surrounded by him there. But he understands why I have to sell it and he tells me he is staying with me no matter where I end up. Maybe being in a new place will be almost a new start, even though I would give anything to not have to make a new start and have him back. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and tell everyone I am glad I happened upon this site yesterday. Somewhere I can go and not feel so alone and connect with others that actually understand what I am feeling, even if I don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leadfeather Posted May 10, 2018 Share Posted May 10, 2018 (edited) I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. Edited May 10, 2018 by Leadfeather Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steph Posted May 10, 2018 Author Share Posted May 10, 2018 Thank you Leadfeather. Nobody is more sorry than me. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 11, 2018 Share Posted May 11, 2018 Ah, Steph, I'm sorry you had to join us, too. We are pretty awesome people, though. (Not much consolation, eh?) I lost my first husband at 47. I knew it was coming, but it was still very hard. My second husband has been gone over 4 years and I still talk out loud to him. Leaving the home we loved was hard, but I knew I could not stay there. It is very early in this process for you. Leadfeather says it well...be kind to yourself. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted May 11, 2018 Share Posted May 11, 2018 Steph I am sorry you are joining us. I, too, lost my husband to cancer. It has been more than 9 years, and while I won't say I'll ever be okay with losing him so tragically and so young, I am at peace with it. My life now is filled with love and joy. I'm sorry you have to leave your house, but know your husband will never leave your heart. abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steph Posted May 11, 2018 Author Share Posted May 11, 2018 Thank you Wheelerswife and Abitlost. Losing someone so close makes all those other "hard times" that I have had look like a walk in the park. This is like someone keeps hitting me in the stomach and chest with a baseball bat. Thank you for your comments. Nothing helps, but it is some comfort knowing I am not alone in this awful place. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hikermom Posted May 11, 2018 Share Posted May 11, 2018 Steph, I'm so sorry that you had reason to find us but so glad that this resource can be here for you. It's been almost 6 years for me but I can still remember those early days. It felt like I was submerged under water - everything was muffled and it felt hard to breathe. Everything was muted except for the overwhelming sense of despair and grief. I think the brain cocoons us from too much reality so that we can slowly start to find our way through the fog. Some critical thinks for those early days, weeks and months: just as you would give your body time to recover from a horrible trauma, you need to give your soul and psyche time to recover from this trauma. Be gentle with yourself. Drink lots of water. Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more - I always felt like I wasn't breathing those early months and in truth, I think I was breathing so shallowly it was almost as if I wasn't. If it is helpful to you, spend time in nature. That soothed me and walking meant I was forced to breathe more deeply. Post here and read old posts. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was so critical. finally, we can all assure you that those early emotions to level off. You can find peace and happiness even though that feels like an impossibility. It's not a straight road and it certainly isn't flat. But it also isn't always uphill. Sometimes it levels off and you can catch your breathe and gain a sense of perspective for how far you have come. I'm sorry you have to move so quickly. I'm going through a move right now and am finding it so hard. A part of me almost wishes I had done it earlier. Keep posting and know that you aren't alone. hm 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steph Posted May 13, 2018 Author Share Posted May 13, 2018 Thank you Hikermom. I feel so alone right now!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted May 29, 2018 Share Posted May 29, 2018 (edited) So sorry you had to join our ranks. You will be in this fog for quite some time. It's called widow brain and it's real. Look it up. You'll realize it's normal --as normal as is possible in this hell. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one nanosecond at a time. Gentle hugs Edited May 29, 2018 by beth_krkswidow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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