Rambling about missing her

[Leadfeather]

Rambling. I miss having her as a partner, someone who could help me make decisions. And I have noticed the absence of her wisdom and council a lot the last two weeks.

 

My youngest returned from college. He suffered from depression during the last semester and did not reach out for help so is now on academic probation. He has been to the doctor. Is now on medication for depression and has had his first visit with a counselor. We will see how the meds help after a few weeks. He liked the counseling session. Hopefully he will get enough help this summer to make getting off probation possible as he really likes the school and has the ability to do the work. In addition I set up a haircut, dentist visit, and dermatologist visit for him as well. All stuff his mother always did.  

 

He should be looking for work, but is only applying to one or at most two places a day. Not really up for pushing him at this point but I wish he would find something.

 

My oldest is moving out at the end of the summer. He has a good job lined up with the employer he interned with and will be making a very good salary. Has a plan in place for housing and a used car. His mother always talked about this time and how she would take him to IKEA to get his household set up. That is a trip I am not sure I want to make for a number of reasons. I am going to have to see.

 

I had lined up things to do this weekend. A date on Friday, Friends mountain biking on Saturday morning, visiting my wife's best friend Saturday night. Another date tonight. All of them got cancelled for one reason or another. It is fine, but I miss knowing there was always someone who wanted to spend time together with me.

 

I ended up shopping for apartments on Saturday. It was strange to be looking at housing without her with me. She was always the one who loved spaces. Watched HGTV. Wanted to be an architect. Loved interior design. Now I am looking alone. I am considering getting an apartment at the end of the summer then prepping the house for sale. I own it outright so will not have a mortgage payment and rent and I do not want the stress of having to move and sell it in a short time frame.

 

I have planned another bike ride. This one alone and self contained about 350 miles over a week from Houghton Mi to Milwaukee where I will meet from friends for a Brew Fest. Bike touring was something we were planning on doing a lot more of together.

 

I have spent the rest of the weekend purging, selling, and packing things away. There is always so much after 25 years together in the same house. 

 

This is the kind of rambling talk I would have had with her. Thanks for listening.

 

Matthew

[tybec]

I am sorry, LF. It is harder on some days than others.  No one expected to not be partnered up, as growing old together was the plan.  I understand some of your thoughts and feelings expressed. Just tough.  Loss, grieving, is exhausting. 

[sojourner]

Hearing you, Leadfeather;  peace and strength to you.

[Julester3]

There are always high or low tides. Wishing some peace for you. 

[twin_mom]

  I'm sorry to hear about your youngest. Hopefully this summer will give him a chance to get straightened out and go back to school stronger than ever.

 

 

 

[Eddienhp]

This is where we can share these types of things. We all get it. Hopefully your son will find supports and tools to help him manage his depression. I am developing a new business which is very complex. How I wish I had my husband around to consult with. Oddly enough I do see and feel his presence. I keep finding dimes which is his signal. I appreciate them but wish he were here so I could talk to him. May you find peace and comfort.

[cathyr]

After all these years, I still "get it"  The longing and missing are still there but get more manageable.  Just keep doing what you're doing and make your sweet wife proud, as I'm sure she is!

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Leadfeather,

 

I'm glad you feel you can ramble here.  I have done my share of rambling over the years since I have been widowed.  I don't have children, but I am an academic advisor at a small college.  I hope your son has informed people at his school about his depression.  There are a lot of capable kids who find themselves struggling academically and it is always beneficial for school personnel to have that glimpse into what is happening for a student that gets them into a probation situation.  My school has a lot of resources available on campus.  I hope your son's school does as well and that he will take advantage of them.

I have also done the downsizing and packing.  It can be really emotionally draining.  I have just moved into a new place.  I'm renting for the time being, and I still own and rent out my house I had with my second husband 1600+ miles from where I am now.  I didn't want to deal with selling it at the same time I was relocating.  I wish you the best as you maneuver through your upcoming changes.

 

Maureen

[Leadfeather]

Thanks Wheelerswife, while school was still in session I contacted the Dean of Students office and an assistant Dean of Students met with him twice. Once to give advice and the second time to follow up. So they are aware and very helpful. When he enrolls next semester he will be in a special one credit class that helps connect the students to aids that the school offers. Additionally there is grief counseling offered by the school.

 

Currently he has started taking medication which should start helping in a few weeks. He is also going to counselling here over the summer. And he has been working on eating healthier and doing some bike riding and walking. He is motivated to stay at that school so I am hopeful.

 

Matthew

 

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I am so sorry and can so relate. Making decisions that used to be a conversation, and are now an internal monologue, is so hard and such a sad reminder of what I've lost. Since he died, 3-day weekends are something I dread. I usually approach them with the strategy more suited to a military maneuver. I make sure I have at least one social plan a day or night and am happy when it's multiple or all-day plans. Nothing makes me feel more alone than to see everyone else relishing their time together as a couple or family. This 3-day weekend was very different as I was emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more than to be alone. I actually canceled a flight (and chalked up the lost $ as the cost of my happiness) and mostly spent the 3 days on my own. I saw my neighbors and the sailors (it's Fleet Week in NYC) and had one lovely and long date with a girlfriend. But mostly I was alone and for the first time in over 4 years, it felt fine. But I know that the only reason it felt fine is that I felt too emotionally battered to care. I once tried to explain to my (clueless) mother how hard this all is. I said to her; "Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to try and make a life from scratch. Every. Single. Day.?!!!" she does not. Nor do most people. I'm with you in spirit and sending you peaceful and comforting thoughts. 

[Leadfeather]

I agree 3 Day weekends are not easy these days. Last year over Memorial Day I took the boys to NYC for the weekend to show them a lot of the places my wife and I enjoyed. We visited the city off on 6 or 8 times during our marriage. I didn't know it was Fleet Week, it was a nice experience for all of us. Although they tapped out early each evening and left me on my own walking the city alone. This last weekend I played around with buying a ticket last minute and just going there on my own to get away. But I ended up staying home and taking some long afternoon bike rides in 90+ heat to clear my head and stabilize my mood.

 

Making the life from scratch is challenging. But it also means I can remake myself to be the best me I can.

 

Listening to a Travis McGee novel today and this gem popped out at me. "Life is so damn valuable and so totally miraculous and they give you such a stingy little hunk of it from womb to tomb you ought to use all the parts of it there are."

 

So that is my goal going forward using all the parts of it there are.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Leadfeather

[Leadfeather]

It has been a difficult few weeks. Some things are going well but I am still in a lot of emotional turmoil and a lot of on going changes. I struggled to write this one because it feels like I should not be complaining.

 

I think my youngest is doing better. His medication seems to be helping. He likes his counseling sessions. My hope is he continues to do better when he is 500 miles away and in the middle of his next semester.

 

My oldest is doing fine, but he confided in my youngest that he is apathetic about everything. I have asked him to go to counseling. But he refuses. I wish there was more I could do for him but there isn't. He is 23 and independent, he will have to make his own life choices.

 

I am also going to counseling. My counselor has me reading "The Grief Recovery Handbook" and promises using this method will allow me to move forward in my life. So, I am giving it a try even if I am not sold on it yet.
 

The woman I was dating for 5 months started texting me the a few weeks back, one comment was that "My absence from her life is palpable" I know if I spent time with her I would be happy while I was with her, but what she wants and what I want in the larger scheme of things is different. Sometimes though just the physical closeness of a woman would be nice. Last week she asked if she could call me. I said yes. When she did she was sobbing to the point it was hard to understand her. It was concerning and as I talked to her for about an hour I drove to her house to make sure she was no going to do anything stupid. I spent about an hour with her, I held her and we talked, then I headed home. It awakened a lot of emotions for her I was trying to pack away. I want her in my life, but she is not emotionally available.

 

I have dated a few other women this month. It seems like there are three things that are needed. 1. I need to be attracted to them. 2. They need to be attracted to me. 3. They need to be ready to date, there is a lot of baggage from their divorces. So far I am getting a different 2 out of 3 each time. There was one I thought might work out. We went on several dates and she suggested another one. But then she ghosted and has not responded to my texts. 

 

I found an apartment I love. It is downtown. A corner apartment with floor to ceiling windows that span the entire length of two sides of the living room and kitchen. It is a bit more than I want to spend but I can afford it without to many qualms for a few years. I am excited to move and sad to leave behind all of the memories of the 20 years I spent in this house when I was happy with my family around me. A few days ago I packed away my late wife's grandmother's china. I am giving it back to her father for storage for one of the grandkids. It never was important to me, but it was to her. The act of packing it away just highlighted in my mind the fact that she is never coming back. I am looking toward a future of many years where I will never see her face, hear her voice, or feel her touch. That thought kicked my emotional ass hard these last few days. I told my boss I was working from home the last half of the week. At home I can cry and work at the same time.

 

I am considering volunteering at a shelter for runaway teens. It is affiliated with my former church. I think it would be good for me to get out and do something for others. And I can maybe make some connections with the other adults who volunteer there. I need to get plugged into communities again. For the same reason I have decided to go back to church. I am going to try a new one that is downtown, it might take some time but I hope to once again get involved with a community and meet more people.

 

The weekend is here and I am not looking forward to it.

 

 

Edited June 22, 2018 by Leadfeather

[Julester3]

I think that's a good solid plan to find involvement in things you can really invest time and effort to. I find volunteering and spending time with my interest/hobby groups are helpful. It fills the empty space and you are with people instead of solitude. 

 

It's a shame your eldest won't at least try some counseling to talk it out and understand his issues. We all can't work it out without a little help and support. Sounds like he's feeling that numbness or that the world is in black and white, no longer in full color. You do have a lot going on so of course the emotional roller coaster is going up and down. 

[Leadfeather]

My good friend Lisa came over today and painted the kitchen for me as part of the prep for selling the house. I am grateful to her for doing it. But it is strange to not have a lime green kitchen anymore. It was a choice Christine made years ago that she always liked.It did not match the rest of the house but it was hers and it somehow fit. Last night I removed the paintings she had hung, and the dishes we bought together in Mexico that hung on the walls and saw the little pencil marks she put there before hammering in the nails. Removing all of these things is another step in turning this home of 18 years back into a house.

 

In some strange way coming home today to a neutral color was another reminder that time keeps carrying me farther away from my marriage. I am single now, and the neutral beige kitchen is another reminder of that fact. It brings me back to this quote from CS Lewis.

 

“It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" -C.S. Lewis

 

Time for a run.

 

Matthew