Jump to content

My Daughter doesn't like my NG


November
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone!

I haven't really posted in a long time but I'm having problems with my 16yr daughter and I feel that the only people that are going to fully understand what I'm going through are you guys...so please help me.   I'll be 4 years out in July and I have 3 children 8 & 12 year old boys and my daughter 16.  After my husband died it took me a while to actually get out of the house and interact with other people.  I dated here and there but never brought anyone home to meet my kids.  I hadn't found anyone worth it until this past December 2017 I met a guy and he's wonderful.   We started seeing each other on a regular basis and then everyday.  I introduced him to my kids in March and right away my daughter started showing and telling me that she didn’t like him and would at times be rude to him.  I told my kids a couple weeks ago that our relationship was getting more serious and that he was going to start sleeping over maybe on the weekends only. I talked to my kids and told them that our goal was to live together maybe by the beginning of next year.  I explained to them how much we love each other and that he is good for us.  I pointed out all the times he’s helped me with them and around the house and financially.  She had a fit and told me that he wasn’t welcomed in her house and that our house wasn’t for him.  She told me she didn’t f**ken care how much he helped me or them or how much he loves me.  She said she doesn’t owe him anything not even respect.  She told me she hated him and hated when he was there. 

When I asked her why or what is it about him that she doesn’t like or what can I do to change things and make them better.. she just kept yelling and crying saying I DON”T KNOW!!  She also kept telling me that she was going to tell me what I wanted to hear and that she just didn’t know why. So when I told her that if she couldn’t give me a valid reason as to why then I couldn’t help her.  And I told her it was my house and that I was entitled to be happy too.  She then told me.. IF he moves in I’m moving out!.

I had no more words.  I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore that I was very upset and didn’t want to say anything to her that I shouldn’t.  So I walked away. 

I feel so hurt and scared.  The last thing I want to do is make my kid do something like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have teen girls, 18 and 14. It seems to me she is taking it wrong, all wrong. You are doing the right thing and explaining things clearly to her. I think she's resisting because she sees this man replacing her father but she isn't rational or capable to be. I have told my kids no one is replacing or can replace your father. He was special however this new guy isn't for you to be your dad. He's for me. I need him for me to be happy and you guys will be gone in a few years and embracing new challenges soon. I said I need them to be respectful but they can meet him officially when they are ready. My youngest has met him but hasn't interacted with him yet, my eldest hasn't but knows she isn't ready as she deals with her own issues. If he can be more to them someday that would be nice but I don't even mention it yet. Baby steps, you know? 

 

I recommend your daughter talk to someone neutral to help her think it through. She needs to comprehend the situation better and it sounds like the processing isn't working on her own. She can't explain herself but she's angry as you've been patient and good at explaining. It's that prefrontal cortex part of the brain with these teenagers. They can't always get a handle no matter how consistent and patient we are. Hugs and good luck. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, November said:

 The last thing I want to do is make my kid do something like that.

 

See, here's the thing. You didn't make your kid do that. She did it on her own.

 

Perhaps there was a better way to handle the news NG is moving in. Who knows? I won't presume to understand the workings of the mind of a 16 yr old young woman.

 

As Julester3 stated, she is PO'd and doesn't even understand herself. Yeah, see if someone else can talk some sense into her. But, whatever you do, don't knuckle under and let your daughter (or any of your children for that matter) drive you into decisions and actions that you don't want to do. She can't be left to feel she is in charge.

 

The last part of your post seemed to suggest you got sucked into arguing with her and defending yourself.

 

Screw that. You're in charge. When you are in command, command.

 

Good luck - Mike

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My heart goes out to you.  I have 3 boys and my older 2 had a very hard time when I got involved in a relationship, it was downright ugly at times.  I can't give great advice because I didn't always handle it well but everyone is in a much better place now.  We are married, my youngest, now 14, has a great relationship with him, oldest is 21 and out of the house and has a good relationship with him, my middle one has been the toughest but seems to have reached acceptance now.  I think the best you can do is express empathy for her feelings while standing firm that you are the adult making the decisions and doing nothing wrong or disrespectful to her father.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.  I greatly appreciate it.  The input you guys have given me has made me see things differently.  I will continue to let my daughter know that I love her and to be as patient with her as I possibly can but I will also continue to let her know that I'm entitled to be happy too.  Hopefully we can find a "Happy Medium" soon.

It just sadden me so much because before I told her about him, she was the one telling me I should find someone and that I shouldn't go through life alone.  I guess it was easier said then done.  Thank you once again and I will keep you guys posted! 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's hard to know everything kids feel when a NG comes into the situation. My kids have all had struggles at different times over the last three years with NG and our relationship.

 

Idk, this is just my opinion, and keep in mind I was raised very conservative. But this seems really soon to be having your NG sleeping over and talking about moving in. I don't wonder why your daughter is freaked out about it. The way you wrote it, it sounds like you told her "this is how it is, this is what's happening" not, "what would you think if..." or "how would you feel about...". A new man that's only been around for 5-6 months moving in is a lot to take in for a 16 year old, esp one who lost their father.

 

I'd caution you to take things slower and wait until you have been together at least a year to start talking about moving in together. That's just my viewpoint of a situation where older kids are involved especially. 

 

My NG didn't start sleeping over, and then only on weekends, until 2 years into our relationship. We will not live together until after our wedding (this Saturday!). I know this isn't the common way to do things, but it's been good for all of us to take things slow and let my kids get used to things. And things still aren't perfect, my 15 yo is currently in a way rebellious stage about school and life in general that is making things really stressful at the moment.

 

I hope things work out in a way that you can both be happy and comfortable with the situation! Congratulations on your new relationship!

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

November,

 

I haven't read the other replies so forgive me if this is repetitive.

 

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you are moving too fast. You met him just six months ago. You introduced him to your kids just two months ago. I can see why your daughter is uneasy with the thought of him moving in, which would add a completely different dynamic to your family. Nobody really knows each other. To bring another person into your life is one thing, but to have him move in with you and your three kids is quite another. 

 

Edited to add: I just read the other responses. I am not conservative, at all. I have no problem whatsoever with open sleepovers. My concern stems from having a man who is so new to your life, and even newer to your kids' lives, move in with you, which disrupts not only the existing family structure and dynamic, but also the process of getting to know each other. That could have some unforeseen consequences for everyone.

 

abl

 

Edited by Abitlost
Read the other responses
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

November   I agree with the responses above that you're moving pretty fast.  I've been dating NG for not quite a year and a half and and we're just now getting to the point where my 19 and 21 year old kids are comfortable having him over for dinner and hanging out together.  I've had no conversations with my kids about future plans with him, I've kept things pretty simple instead for example asking they're okay if G is here for dinner on Saturday night.  Baby steps.  

 

It's great that you are in a new wonderful relationship, all the best to you ~ 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you husband had died six months ago I would agree that you are moving too fast, but a six month relationship this far into widowhood seems like a pretty sturdy base from which to move forward.

 

i noticed that your daughter started with the disrespect before you brought up the possibility of him moving in, so it seems that she doesn’t want you even getting close with someone. That’s a fair way to feel, I guess, but it doesn’t excuse her being disrespectful.

 

i don’t agree with the advice that your kids should come first. You are the head of the household and you get to decide how things get done. I’m assuming you haven’t taken up with a louse here, and I imagine your daughter would have issues with any man you got close to. That’s problematic, but it’s something she’s going to have to work out. I like the idea of insisting on counseling unless she starts being more respectful. She has some sort of unresolved problem, and as a parent it’s your job to help her fix the problem, not to cater to her wants.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my perspective no relationship is guaranteed, doesn’t matter if you date 3 years or 3 months before moving in or getting married.  We members of this community know that.  My thoughts are… Why should I wait for tomorrow to be happy when I can be happy today?  The way I’m thinking and seeing things and again maybe I’m wrong and therefore I decided to come here and ask for opinions… Without looking or wanting anyone I met this person that just fits so easy and effortless into my life and he has shown me that in my life is where he wants to be.  I have 3 children, he has none.  I feel he really needs to see everything that happens in my day to day life and how I interact with my kids and the only way that will happen is if he’s “in the mix”.  That’s why I decided the sleepover’s 1 or 2 days a week were good.  I’ve heard stories and met people that have waited to involve their new partners with their kids only to have it not work and time has been wasted the relationship ends. 
I have always been very open with my kids and I feel I don’t have to ask for permission to have a relationship, but I DO feel they have a right to know what’s happening.  And that's exactly with I explained to them.  I probably should have not had the moving in conversation yet as I have no intentions of him moving in now but maybe sometime next year if we are still on this path.  What happened with my daughter caught me off guard and hurt me very much.   I told my daughter that I’m not choosing him over her, that she is entitled to feel the way she feels and that I hope that with time she will be able to tell me what is bothering her so much, so I can help her, or we can fix it/make it better but until then she still needs to respect him and respect my relationship with him.   

I do take into consideration all the opinions here because some made me see things I had over looked.  Once again thank you all for taking the time to reply. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

 I don't really have any advice for you but I did want to share what happened with my new guy and daughter. When my daughter was younger than yours, about 10 and a half, I started dating my new guy it was a little over a year out from DH's death.  My daughter went crazy ballistic, she'd scream that she wanted nothing to do with him, then she was tearing and crying because she didn't want to share me with him because she already had to share me with her twin, it was just completely crazy.  it all came to a head one night when we were at dinner about 8 months into our relationship and he had lived with us for 2 months. She started in with her rude behavior and I snapped at her and said that it was enough, that he was part of our lives now and she didn't have to like him but she could not treat him rudely, I taught her better than that. To which she turns to him and said "well if my dad hadn't died you wouldn't even be here."   Which led to my stellar parenting moment -not - where I said to her while crying ugly tears "well your dad is dead and he's not coming back and we're not dead and Jim's not dead and that's it I don't want to hear any more about." NG and son excused themselves from the table at that point to take a walk. 😂

DD and I "talked"for a bit  more that night, where she dug in more, saying she'd never like him and he'd never be her dad and me saying he didn't want to be her dad, she already had a great dad....because it turned out that was the crux of it all - she didn't want him around  because she didn't want to forget her dad and having someone fill that role in our lives in her mind was a step toward forgetting him. 

 

My point is - there's a good chance that your daughter's behavior has nothing to do with him as a person, but the idea of him - maybe about replacing her dad, maybe the change in the home structure, or at 16 maybe it's "my mom is having sex" ick- factor. (I did also face the "we're the only kids whose mom has a boyfriend" embarrassment with mine....) 

 

Good luck. It's really hard to balance your kids' needs and desires with your needs and desires. And now at 4.5 years into our relationship, NG and my kids are great - the three them tease me that if we broke up he's taking custody of them and I can keep his dog.  🙄

Edited by twin_mom
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 7 months later...

Hello everyone!

I wanted to give everyone an update on what's happened since my last post.  NG started sleeping over on weekends for about 2 months then asked if me and my kids wanted to move into his home since my daughter had a problem with the idea of him moving into my home and because his house was bigger and could accommodate us a little more.  So I told my kids... either we move to his house or he moves in ours and of course the only one that still had a problem with it was my daughter but she was willing to be okay with him moving into our home.  So in August he moved in.  We have been together now for a little over a year and he has been living with us for about 5 months.  My daughter still has her days but for the most part is respectful and now understands that he is part of our lives.  My daughter is now almost 18 and is going to be graduating from high school and moving on to college this year so her focus is on that instead of me and my NG. 

 

So if anyone is going through something similar with their kids- I want you to know that it does get better but you (as parents) have to understand and really believe that you are the adult and in charge of your life not the other way around. If you find a good man or woman who treats you good and is respectful to your kids don't give them up because our kids grow up and at some point leave to live their lives without looking back. 

 

I am very happy in my new relationship and don't feel like I moved fast because it felt and still continues to feel right.  We are all entitled to be happy again, our spouses would want that for us. 

Edited by November
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow November, you sure expedited your move in schedule even faster than what you originally told your kids! It sound like just five months after meeting your kids, your new guy moved in even though your daughter expressed discontentment with that idea. If I were your daughter, I'd be upset as well. You state that "kids grow up and at some point leave to live their lives without looking back"...yet she is still living at home! Frankly if I were her I would feel like my feelings didn't matter and I'd be counting the days until I could leave. You are obviously happy with your decision and your priorities so I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really feel for your daughter and understand her resentment.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, November said:

My daughter still has her days but for the most part is respectful and now understands that he is part of our lives. 

...

So if anyone is going through something similar with their kids- I want you to know that it does get better but you (as parents) have to understand and really believe that you are the adult and in charge of your life not the other way around.

 

I'm really glad to hear that your daughter has come around. It's not easy to make decisions that our children don't agree with but you're right - YOU are the one in charge of the house and as the adult, YOU get the make the decisions and deal with the consequences. Thanks for the update!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎1‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 12:05 PM, November said:

 If you find a good man or woman who treats you good and is respectful to your kids don't give them up because our kids grow up and at some point leave

 

.  We are all entitled to be happy again

I am happy for you and your ng.

 

Funny thing is I have said this ^^^ to a few others here on the board. I'm not saying don't hear your kids, or have a discussion with them, but let them know that there will be a time that they will be going off in the world on their own, and probably finding someone to spend "their" lives with!!!!

 

Best of luck and love to all of you! :) 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Abitlost- Thank you for your honest opinion.    My kids have always been my priority and will always continue to be but I'm not going to overlook the fact that my daughter is a teenager therefor that's exactly how she acts sometimes and she's expressed discontentment with many other things too because that's what teenagers do.  I really don't think my daughter resents me for this.  We still have a very good communication and she sees and seems to understand for the most part that he is good to them (my kids) and has made our lives better in lots of ways.. He didn't move in after 5 months, he's been living in our home for 5 months now. 

 

It'll be 5 years this coming July since my husband died and I decided to share with you guys what I was going through because this situation was new to me and I wanted to hear how someone else dealt with it but I wasn't nor have I asked my kids permission to have a relationship what I did and will continue to do is include my children and let them know what's going on.  There is a difference in that.      

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

November,

I have learned on this walk that no journey is the same, so all rules are off, too.  I chose not to date for 4 yrs.  I couldn't.  My financial planner lost his wife 7 months after my husband died.  He dated within 4 months, found a gal in 6 months, married her 9 months after his wife died.  They just celebrated 6 yrs. of marriage. He has 4 kids. So, there are just different ways of managing things.  

I also made my kid my priority and realized making him the center of my world did not help him (or me) in the healing process.  I didn't change anything, hoping to secure his world but then that was stagnant for me and unrealistic.  So, big changes, and he is adapting and learning to be flexible which is healthier.  My dear mother also said "Make plans but learn to be flexible."  She was so right. 

Also, as I am looking at remarriage, I am reading up on blending families and ALL says the adults' relationship has to be the priority and then the kids. If you put the kids first and the adult relationship on the back burner, it will not survive. The hierarchy has to be there. And when it is not, it is out of balance, the children have the power, and the new adult relationship is the weakest link and likely falls apart. Within 2-3 years of recoupling.  One of the best things us parents can do is show children a loving partnership that is secure, committed and faithful. They have great loss already, and we don't need to add more losses if we can help it. Kids' needs always met, not neglected. But in recoupling with children involved, the bond is there with kids already, so the new adult bond must be strengthened.  Anyway, you can look up things yourself about it. Good luck!

 

PS my NG's youngest does not seem to like me. He has a mom and doesn't need a new one. I am a kid therapist. It kills me as I am great with kids, but not this one not so far. See how it goes.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.