Jealous Dudes

[SemperFidelis]

So in nearly three years since being widowed, i let two men in close.....one was a horrible cheater and sociopath, and most recently one has treated me like GOLD....well, to a point. Really good guy overall and soooo the opposite of the other dude in all the right ways. Good soul.

 

What they both have in common is jealousy. Jealousy when I go to the gym(is this going to be a recurring issue I face with men??? That they can't handle me going to the gym??), and jealousy in terms of LH. It's more outright with the recent guy..... Literally he took a shower here and put the picture of LH and I face down that I have in there. Wtf??? Grow some balls! 

 

WHY do these men feel in competition with LH? Why not celebrate him with me(or don't....just don't do or say stupid shit in the first place) as someone who made me into the woman I am today?? And understand he is someone who is DEAD......not coming back. Not someone to feel threatened by!!! 

 

I just don't get it. Can't imagine going into someone's home and putting their dead family picture face down. My god. In what world is this okay????

[Virgo]

Have you talked to your guy about how you feel? Ask him why he felt it necessary to turn the picture over. I think whoever we end up with will have to be understanding. Especially if children are involved. The new guy can't expect the children to never mention their dad, or for you to never mention him either.

[sudnlysngl]

5 hours ago, Virgo said:

 Ask him why he felt it necessary to turn the picture over.

You should ask him why he turned the pictures over, and then let him know that he doesn't have to worry about a "dead" guy coming back to compete with him!

If it were me, I would also let him know that it would take a strong guy to be with me in understanding that my late dh was very much part of my life and help make me who I am today, and if and when someone comes along to fulfill my life full time again then and only then might you put those pictures away if that is something you are considering.

But he should be ok with himself under the circumstances to be ok with the pictures and you, and your story!

[tybec]

semperfi,

 

Glad you found a special guy.  You seem very close.  I don’t understand the gym jealousy except the obvious. 

 

The pictures.  I decided when ready to date I just couldn’t have all the couple pictures everywhere.  I wouldn’t like that visiting a date’s home.  I would wonder about the reality of the  person being ready to move forward.  I have a few family pictures up now, but no wedding or couple pictures.  My son needs to see his father, but I am well aware of DH as we were together since high school.  He is intertwined in who I am and part of why NG loves me. NG made a comment about sharing my bedroom to wake up to my LH pictures.  Awkward.  Not jealous, he told me.  He isn’t competing with him but there is this feeling I haven’t moved forward. I had a guy friend tell me to stop wearing my LH T-shirt’s too, as a new man would not care for that either.  I would not like my NG to do those things either.  But talking to you would be appropriate, not turning  pictures over.  It was in the bathroom so maybe he felt weird being uncovered In The presence of the reminder of your former love?  It is complicated sometimes.  Good luck figuring it out.

 

ps I do talk of my dh often.  There was no “I” as an adult, only “we” so NG deals plenty with my DH.  And does well mostly.

[Julester3]

I'm on the same page as tybec. I culled the photos down to full family photos for the girls. There is just one couple photo of he and I and is framed and in the living room. I removed the rest, put them in albums instead. 

 

I too had to have the conversation about NG not competing with my LH but I don't expect him to live up to him or replacing him. Since I too was with LH since high school, LH also made me the better person I am today because we did it together. 

 

I feel you need to have further discussions about these things with him. You need to clear the situation with him so to speak. Jealousy I feel also is a reflection of his own insecurities with you. Talk it out. Good luck! 

[SemperFidelis]

We had only been together a couple weeks when it happened..... and it's the only picture I have of LH and I in the house. My bathroom is my sanctuary, one of the places I spend the most time getting ready for work. So I definitely consider it "my" space. Not like a living room or shared/hallway bathroom.

 

I don't have any pictures in the bedroom. I agree that would be awkward.

 

I did ask him why he had turned it over, and he said it made him uncomfortable and it felt like intimate space (....odd.....we have never been in there at the same time) and he wanted to see a picture of he and I together (nice thought, but not after two weeks).

 

On top of it he has also made a couple comments like "he wasn't a good person" and "he abandoned you" (suicide).

 

Buzzzzzzz. Next.

[sudnlysngl]

On ‎5‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 11:50 AM, SemperFidelis said:

We had only been together a couple weeks when it happened.....

 

On top of it he has also made a couple comments like "he wasn't a good person" and "he abandoned you" (suicide).

 

Buzzzzzzz. Next.

I thought WOW when I read this. Not good, sounds like the guy I just divorced! Controlling, insecure, and a closet psychopath!

[Bunny]

The picture insecurity is one thing, I could probably work with that one. But the comments about your LH are abhorrent. Not that any of us have sainted dead partners beyond criticisms, but you definitely don’t need to be around someone that ignorant and heartless when it comes to the complexities of suicide. 

[sudnlysngl]

2 hours ago, Bunny said:

The picture insecurity is one thing, I could probably work with that one. But the comments about your LH are abhorrent. Not that any of us have sainted dead partners beyond criticisms, but you definitely don’t need to be around someone that ignorant and heartless when it comes to the complexities of suicide. 

Bunny I couldn't have said it better myself, besides I don't know about anyone else but speaking for myself, I feel like my DH abandoned me all the time and died from cancer!

So no matter how or why, this guy is out of line for his comments....

 

And I thought I had insecurities, ppffftttt, makes me look like a little kitten

[Mizpah]

On 5/26/2018 at 10:06 PM, SemperFidelis said:

WHY do these men feel in competition with LH? Why not celebrate him with me(or don't....just don't do or say stupid shit in the first place) as someone who made me into the woman I am today?? And understand he is someone who is DEAD......not coming back. Not someone to feel threatened by!!! 

Ok, this guy sounds incredibly nuts and offensive and just plain WRONG in words and actions, and I am *NOT* going to defend him, what he said, or what he did.  BUT.  In general, I think we as widow(er)s tend to dismiss the level of difficulty facing those who take on a relationship with a widow(er).  We dismiss it as insecurity.  We dismiss the situation as not threatening.  I'm telling you this honestly: it's been much harder for me to be in a relationship with a widower than it has for me to be a widow in a relationship. 

I don't think of myself as unusually insecure.  And I know she's not coming back.  But I don't just want to have him just because I'm alive and she's dead.  I want his heart as well.  I don't want to feel second in that department (even if DH will always be so much to me - I know it's hypocritical - I didn't say it would be logically sound, I just said I'd be honest).  When I'm at NG's sister's, and I see photos of NG and DW together, it hurts (even though it's possible my family has photos of me and DH around (again, being honest here even if nonsensical or hypocritical).  I don't really want to celebrate another woman he loved (loves - will love forever) or see her as what made him who he is.  And at times I do feel threatened by his love for her.  I think anyone saying otherwise isn't being fully honest with themselves.  (I know many will disagree with that.) 

I have DH's name tattooed on me.  I used to think very flippantly - hey, any future partner will have ME - life with me, my body, my partnership - and all DH has is this tattoo and he's dead and buried, so f'ing deal.  I see it very differently now.  I don't regret my tattoo (and that's not the point here at all), but I can't imagine being with me, I can't imagine being with someone who has someone else's name tattooed on body and heart.  

It's not competition.  But it can be a shadow.  A nagging shadow, doubt, fear - a photo facing you that you want to turn over and not see.  I get wanting to be #1 to someone and fearing you are not.  NG has said to me that I am #1 because I'm alive.  (Clearly, we've discussed this.)  But I don't want to be #1 just because I'm alive.  I want more than that.  I want to be #1, period.  (And again, saying this knowing full well that NG could feel the same way, and that DH will always be... DH.)

Edited May 30, 2018 by Mizpah

[tybec]

Oh Mizpah!  

 

You wrote some thoughts I never could let out.  I, at least, have NG who is divorced and is thankful NOT to be married to her.  She left him but I have to admit, I prefer his negative feelings to when he shares cute things about his marriage.  And his many girlfriends.   Never mind he is dealing with my 28yr old relationship and son. 

 

Thank you for articulating these thoughts.  I understand. 

[serpico]

Miz, you've captured my wife's feelings almost to a T. I don't get it, but I also see it as valid. It drives her nuts to see the 'statues' of my first wife around town (NOTE: a couple small plaques and our family pic on her headstone, but she likes to exaggerate ) and she can get downright surly when people gush too much about what a great person she was.

 

I'm hoping it lessens with time...

[Love2fish]

Thank you for that beautifully written and honestly insightful post.

 

[Bunny]

It’s interesting; I’m dating a self-professed jealous dude (yup-he is), and yet he has no issue with the oil painting my step-FIL did of my wedding day, or the huge photo of DH in the upstairs hall, or having to listen to people- when they find out who I was married to- tell me how totally awesome they thought my dead husband was. He’s taken me to the car show we started, and we’ve gone to social events of members from DH’s car club, where he’s surrounded by people who adored DH.

 

I dunno, maybe he’s just one cocky little mf with an incredibly strong sense of self-worth? There are definitely widow things Ive said/did that tried his patience, brought him to angry frustration, he is certainly no long-suffering saint. But maybe some personalities are just naturally better at handling the widowed than others? I’d like to think I’d rock it also, but I could see me just as easily being a jealous, consumed, cyber-stalking sleuth of all-things-dead-wife. 

 

We are a complicated bunch to date. Yes, there are lessons extreme grief teaches that can make us excellent partners in some ways, but we’re no free and easy ride...all we can do is make sure our partners know they are Number One in our heart and life. If we can’t give them that then we’re probably not ready to be in a relationship, because I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to settle for less. 

Edited May 31, 2018 by Bunny
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[calimom]

OP, next time around, try finding a non-low IQ, reasonably sane partner before taking the next step. You'll have better results. At almost eleven years out, we still have an area in our entry hall of that is a place of respect and honor for my late DH. Some pictures, a place for the kids to place trophies of their accompaniments, that type of thing. My gentleman friend of many years is not threatened by this, nor am I of his marriage of 20 years. This is the nice thing about being grownups. His ex and I are friendly, if not actual friends, she's grateful I'm nice to her kids and she's nice to mine. Agree with other posters in that this is not a competition. It's life and death and different circumstances.

 

Is it possible that you're not really ready for a new relationship (and nothing wrong with that), and that's why you pick these partners who are so insecure? Hopefully you find your path and a way to feel the peace you deserve. Seriously, nice non-crazy people are out there. It's not like you have a life-size cutout of your late DH and are running a continuous loop of the memorial service.

 

Live the life you wish to live.

[Taurus]

On 5/27/2018 at 2:06 PM, SemperFidelis said:

What they both have in common is jealousy. Jealousy when I go to the gym(is this going to be a recurring issue I face with men??? That they can't handle me going to the gym??), and jealousy in terms of LH. It's more outright with the recent guy..... Literally he took a shower here and put the picture of LH and I face down that I have in there. Wtf??? Grow some balls! 

There's your answer - find someone else. If the "good guy" is already possessive and jealous after a couple of weeks, you may not want to find out what he's really like when he sees you socialising with different people.