First sex after a loss?

[Rudderless]

It's been nearly 6 months since I lost my guy. I finally decided that nudging myself out into the dating universe was a necessary part of moving through this next phase ...

 

So, I met a guy I liked a lot, went on a few dates, decided to get naked with him. 

 

Honestly ... my body just didn't seem to want to respond. :( Is this normal?

 

I know it takes time to get to know each other's bodies. And, I am over 50, so there's that. There are multiple explanations ...

 

But I just wondered what other women's experiences have been. This is new territory for me. 

 

Thanks for whatever you might be willing to share. 

[Portside]

Obviously not a woman but I imagine it is normal for most folks to have their "body not respond" in the same way as before the loss of your spouse. Love the way you put that, by the way. A good guy will recognize it and give you whatever time needed to be back to where you want to be. 

 

It will all start responding again shortly I'll bet.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[TheWidowWhisperer]

It will never be the same for me again until I can totally trust a partner.

[Trying]

My situation may be a little different so take that for what it is.  Intimacy was lacking in my marriage for many years before my DH died so when I ventured into that territory around 6 months after becoming a widow I had quite the opposite reaction.  I did have an emotional connection to the man first and he has been the only one so it also may be "the right guy at the right time".

[RyanAmysMom]

Such a timely question, and some great answers.  

[Julester3]

I tried casual sex early on in dating and discovered it just didn't work that way with me. I just couldn't turn on the sex drive and it wasn't fulfilling. I knew then I needed what I had with LH: mental and physical connection, trust and respect. I had to make the time investment to build these things. The guy I'm dating now and I took about 4-5 months to reach that point and I feel we're now successfully intimate and still learning one another. Good luck. 

[tybec]

Yes, agree.  Be prepared for it is just  different and will take awhile for some to find their way. If you are able to really enjoy early on, HOW lucky you are.  I didn't date for 4 1/2 yrs.  My  late husband and I were high school sweethearts and figured out  everything together.  My NG didn't marry until 30 and was an officer overseas. SUCH a different experience. I told him when I was ready I may cry.  I had no idea.  I have "trained" him for me.  He may have been an incredible lover to others/his wife.  BUT I am me.  And he has appreciated my directness.  I am in my 40s and not shy now to tell what works for me and what does not. Thankfully, he finds that sexy.  No reflection on him, just learning and being mature now.  I am still conservative as I had to feel for him and trust him. So, I was not following the "3 date" rule?  He waited....😊

Edited May 29, 2018 by tybec

[serpico]

Totally normal. And a bit humiliating, for a guy at least  At least that's what some friends told me it was like

[Virgo]

It's definitely normal to feel that way. I was honestly just hoping I wouldn't cry during my first time. I cried on my drive home. I wanted the physical connection, but that's it. I wasn't ready for anything more. 

 

Hopefully after a few more times you'll start to enjoy yourself more.

[Love2fish]

Totally normal R.  I hope you don't mind another guy's opinion.

 

When I was unable to take things to the next level with a woman it was my body telling me that she was not someone I could fall in love with.  

[Bunny]

A widow friend, early 50s, had to go see her doctor after she tried unsuccessfully- several times- to have sex with her new boyfriend. She hadn’t had sex in several years. The doctor was able to help remedy the matter. For me, even though I was craving sex, I just couldn’t do it until many make out sessions later. I wasn’t emotionally ready. My heart refused to let my body over-ride it’s reluctance. I found alcohol helpful. 

[hachi]

Hi R,

 

Here is my experience, similar to Trying, I had a bit of a drought over the years of DH's illness. It had been about 5 years for me since I had any "regular" sex. What I mean by that is, while we improvised, and the spirit was willing, I had not had a good down and dirty f'ing in a long time, and really wasn't looking to in the months after his death. When I met NG, I had no thoughts of getting involved with him romantically. It just sort of evolved. Shortly after my daughter pointed out that he was "into me" I started paying attention. The flood gates sort of opened up at that point and to tell you the truth, I just became horny as a teenage virgin. This is probably TMI, but I did not know at that time that I was right about to enter menopause... so there's that. 

 

A cautionary tale, for me it was a case of not being able to have casual sex, as much as I really wanted to. So here I am 5 years later and still with NG. While our relationship is solid now, and we are domestic partners, it was not without it's challenges. In retrospect, it was too soon. I think if I had waited longer, and was ready to be in my next "forever" relationship it would have been a little easier. 

[Love2fish]

Not TMI Hachi.  I understand the drought too.  Ours was the result of anxiety/depression for years before the cancer took over. 

 

"In retrospect, it was too soon (emotionally)." applies to me as well but let's not beat ourselves up about that.  Everything important happens too soon in life.

 

Tip for those whose mature bodies seem to be saying "It's too soon or maybe it's too late".  Coconut oil.  nuff said?

[RyanAmysMom]

Well, after weeks of making out like teenagers, and several false starts, we made it across the line.....  I'm shocked and amazed at how I feel.....  physically content, but completely without emotional connection.......  I believed for 40+ years that I could never have casual sex.... I guess maybe I was wrong.  

 

Sigh.... back to therapy....... 

 

[Rudderless]

Thank you all so much for sharing, and my apologies for initially asking for women's input - obviously it's relevant to all of us! 

 

Nice to know it's not just me, and it does get better ...

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I love hearing stories of people waiting months to have sex in a relationship. I can't help but feel I'm doing something wrong however. Where do you find these men?! I've only had one experience where the man was equally interested in waiting. Perhaps it's my/their age? Men over 50 may have some sort of use it or lose it philosophy? I went on a first date last night. The man invited me to London for our second date. I explained that flying overseas to see The Rolling Stones wasn't entirely out of the question but sharing a room was. He was not happy. Maybe it's an urban thing? I meet men who honest to goodness discuss sex even BEFORE a first date. I'm an old fashioned girl. I have no interest in having an intimate experience with someone outside of a committed loving relationship. But I feel like I must be in the minority. Someone is giving these men the impression that women have sex on the first or second date.

[Portside]

 

1 hour ago, TheWidowWhisperer said:

 Men over 50 may have some sort of use it or lose it philosophy?

 

Hey! I'm right here you know. jk

 

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - butthead guys use this approach because it works. They don't care about you personally, but they know that if they use that approach on x number of women, some percentage will respond positively to it. It only has to be a few out of all the ladies they ask for them to be happy.

 

They aren't looking for a long term relationship, no matter what they say to you initially.

 

Believe it or not, it also works the other way. The gal was on step 157 and I was on step 3 in my case. Whoa lady, slow down! I guess it happens because the lady is desperate or feels she is reaching the end of her desirability (which is, of course, untrue). I imagine it's the same for the insecure guys. It's sad.

 

With all the changes in the dating world since we were very young some things never change: Don't give up the goods too fast for the wrong person. If we do, one of us is certain to be very unhappy.

 

Good luck!  Mike

 

 

Edited June 5, 2018 by Portside

[sudnlysngl]

I have to say I love reading all of your stories. I can sooo relate to several here, and agree with Portside about not giving up the goods too fast for the wrong person, unless that is something you can live with.

I have seen, heard, and been privy to the immaturity of one who confuses sex with actual love! That breaks my heart. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good romp in the hay, and a man with a slow hand too, but there can be a difference also when you just want to play verses having love involved....

I enjoy playtime, but with the person I love.... sigh.....

[Love2fish]

12 hours ago, TheWidowWhisperer said:

Someone is giving these men the impression that women have sex on the first or second date.

That someone would be the ladies who do have sex on the first or second date.  Not trying to be cute here but I think that 10% of the women I met were of that inclination.  My PCP warned me that STDs among seniors are getting out of hand.  She attributed it to mature women feeling liberated from risk of pregnancy combined with ignorance of real risks.

[trying2breathe]

14 hours ago, TheWidowWhisperer said:

I love hearing stories of people waiting months to have sex in a relationship. I can't help but feel I'm doing something wrong however. Where do you find these men?! 

 

Hmmm ..... I waited six months with NG - now BF - to have sex.  We took our time to establish a trusting and loving relationship and only then did I feel comfortable enough to go there with him.  And he said all along that he was okay to wait too.  At six months we were more than ready to be with each other.  So yes, those guys are out there.  

 

Agree with love2fish that there are some women that give the impression and do have sex on the first or second date ..... so why wouldn't some men at least try?  

 

Don't give up WW, there are some men that share your standards too.

Edited June 6, 2018 by trying2breathe
typo

[Bunny]

...but, then...on the other hand- I did sleep with my husband on our very first date. So, yeah, no judgment from me on people’s timeframes for hopping into bed!

 

I guess my only general advice is; if you’re not into sex early on,  just don’t do it. Yes, even when it’s handed to you on a shiny, inviting silver patter; because if you do, you’ve just proven you actually are into it -as long as you feel like you don’t have to take personal responsibility for your own actions in the matter. You can’t - honestly- look at someone with disapproval when you’re a participant. 

 

Skin hunger can make a widowed person feel insane. Can make us want to make bad decisions- or decisions unlike our old selves-  that could hurt us, or the person we’re intimate with. I felt like a hormonal teenaged boy one year into widowhood. I wasn’t morally opposed to scratching that itch, I was just too emotionally damaged still to take care of business at that time. 

[Love2fish]

Ladies, I am going to be as straight as I can about the guys you have to watch out for.  I have seen the enemy and he is me.

My style was extremely simple and effective.  I was (and still am) honest about my feelings. It was always true love.  I was believable because it was always true.  And it usually failed after a few months. More times than I want to admit, it failed.  2 hearts were broken each time.  I still feel pain from each of those failures.  From the view of a casual observer I probably looked like a Lothario.  I was not a Lothario, I was an easily charmed Dobie Gillis.

I am hopefully out of that phase.  I’ve been making just one woman miserable for over a year and a half.  If I am lucky she will continue to continue.

I am out of the game but I believe there are a few spiritual clones of me still in circulation.  Be careful out there.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Love2fish
..

[daysofelijah]

I used to be super conservative, and late dh was the only person I had ever been with. But after a couple years I was seriously needing that physical connection again. NG was cautious about getting too physical too fast, and wanted to make sure it didn't get in the way of us getting to know each other and becoming friends first. We only waited a couple months though, mostly because of me. 

 

The first time was "different", felt kind of awkward to me. But it didn't take long to get past that and things were wonderful.

[KrypticKat]

As a woman in her early 30s I've found this really challenging. I have finally met someone I connect with and we are taking it slow. Well sorta. He's really hot and sometimes I swear I'm two people. We get a hot and heavy and it's great but I'm not ready to go all the way. Some days the next day is a high and somedays I'm an anxious sobby mess after that and feel my loyalty is divided. 

 

I wonder if I'll be ever ready to go through with it without imploding.

[Drafter]

Following this thread now....

A good mixture of things to read and take in since some applies to me.

Not going to get into details but based on what I've been reading I'm glad I did not take the plunge with a person that became an adversary or frenemy.