SAHM to working mom

[Virgo]

I've been a stay at home mom a long time. I'm wanting to find a job/career at least part time to help cover health benefits costs when we lose our benefits in February. I thought my daughters were ready for this step. I started an accelerated certification program a few weeks ago. It ended Thursday. It was brutal trying to juggle homework, studying, housework, and my daughters every evening. My daughters were all relieved that I was done. I feel relieved, but defeated too. I don't regret going through the class, beneficial for all of us, but it left me wondering if my girls will ever be ready. I know this is something I will just have to do and help them adjust to. I was just curious if any of you were stay at home parents before losing your spouse, and how you helped your kids adjust to you going back to work?

Edited June 1, 2018 by Virgo

[sudnlysngl]

My kids were grown up when their dad died, so I can't say that they had to adjust as small children. Having said that though I had to adjust about going back into the workforce. I had been able to stay home at that point for about 6 to almost 7 years. So I did like you and signed up for an accelerated course. Sadly though my kids were suffering and they were angry, so they made it impossible for me to do my homework and study. I wasn't able to accomplish that course!

Now I am 11 years out, and I am back to square one all over again....

I am selling my house, wondering what in the world am I going to do??

Haven't worked in years outside of home, I did however do some work from home. Just not enough to make a "good" living at.

I know for me, I have to when I get settled after selling, have back surgery first. Then go from there.

I hope someone here with small children can give you some better insight then me, and I wish you the best of luck.

[RyanAmysMom]

My situation is a little similar......

 

Before LH passed, I was a SAHM, but I had returned to college to get my teaching degree - we were going to trade places - he was going to retire, I was going to work....

 

So, my kids had adjusted to me being in school.....  Well, when it came down to it, LH passed in July, and I started teaching full time in August....  The only saving grace (I think) is that I worked the same hours that the kids were in school.....  and they were accustomed to seeing me do homework in the evenings, so I brought a lot of work home. 

 

It is an adjustment - and it's exhausting in every way - BUT.....  they will adjust (I promise) - share with them the ups and downs, talk to them about how it helps you grow...  

And most importantly - it's such a good example for the kids to see you picking yourself up and moving forward...  

 

They're more flexible than we give them credit for....  

 

Just be honest and straightforward with your boss about your situation, and acknowledge that early on, there may be difficult days. 

Good luck!

[daysofelijah]

I was a teacher when dh and I married. After a few years I stayed home with the kids and did home daycare. I had been working towards my master's when I got pregnant and dh got cancer. So I put that on hold for a couple more years after dh passed. 

 

Once my youngest was nearly three I went back to work part time and have worked part time ever since. Working part time was perfect for me. I teach, so my days are mostly the same as my kids school days.

I was able to get the social life I needed and keep my teaching license current, but also still collect full survivor's benefits. I also continued to work on the master's degree I had been working on before dh was diagnosed with cancer. 

 

Now my youngest has finished kindergarten and I have remarried, so after next year I hope to move into a full time teaching position. I think the part time choice was the best choice for us to begin with. Is there a possibility you can start with a part time job, that will still allow you to be around more as the children need you?

 

 

 

Edited June 2, 2018 by daysofelijah

[Virgo]

I should have mentioned my daughters ages. They are older 19, 16, and 10. This is why I felt so defeated. I really thought my older two would step up a little more, and be more understanding. I guess the problem is they are to used to me being home and scheduling around them. I'm always available. 

 

I took an accelerated phlebotomy certification class. It was 3 weeks instead of 12 weeks. I maintained a B in the class, but I never felt comfortable or confident with the venipunctures. Just not for me. The homework like I said was a challenge. I was sleep deprived, but proud of my grade. 

 

I think working part time at first is a good idea. It will help all of us gradually adjust. I get death benefits too, so financially I wouldn't have to work full time. We're just losing my LHs health benefits in February. Part time would cover that.

 

I think in a way we all see my going back to work as the last big step away from the life we had with their dad. I've talked to my girls about that before I started the class. They all said they were ok with it, they were ready. Yeah, until that third week. Lol Then their tone changed. "We don't want you to fail, but we want you home."  

 

Thanks for sharing ladies. I appreciate the feedback!

[Trying]

Virgo I'm sure this isn't a tough transition for all of you.  I'm not surprised the teenagers are having a hard time, it is an age where they are very self centered (not a criticism just a developmental fact) and they look at most things like "how will this affect me?"  They will adjust and you will too.  I was a SAHM for 8 years and went back part time (DH was still alive) and it was a good way to ease into it.  Since DH died I went to school for a year, opened my own business and things have definitely changed. I had to drop a lot of volunteer stuff but I can work my schedule around most of my son's activities.  Now I'm the one asking for help with rides when I used to be the one who drove everyone else's kids.  When I get a chance to return the favor I jump on it because I really appreciate the help when I need it.  

 

You know you are doing what you need to do and I have no doubt you continue to make your girls feel like a priority.  The extra they have to pitch in will help them in the long run.  When they complain, take a deep breath, don't apologize, reassure them you are still there for them, and you are doing what responsible adults do and taking care of your family.  You've got this!

[First Widow]

1 hour ago, Trying said:

I'm not surprised the teenagers are having a hard time, it is an age where they are very self centered (not a criticism just a developmental fact) and they look at most things like "how will this affect me?"  They will adjust and you will too.  

This is spot on.  I had one in college and one high school senior when I went back to work just shy of the one year mark after being a SAHM essentially all their lives.  They were supportive but there were moments when they acted like small children when I wasn't available for this or that, or I expected them to help out around the house.  Things have sorted themselves out for us and they will for you too!  Wishing you good luck!!

[Virgo]

Trying, that is a good point. Teenagers are very self centered. Very true! I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that they will adjust. 

 

First Widow, I have been home since my oldest was born.  

[Julester3]

My girls were 13 and 17 when their dad died. I worked PT most of their lives, only stayed home when they were babies. I had to go to work FT for the health insurance and make enough money so we didn't have to make drastic sacrifices after LH passed. He was the main earner - even me working FT, I'm only making 1/3 his salary. I've felt bad not being able to do the things I used to with them but we sat and had a family talk and discussed how we need to work as a team. We could fail if we didn't make sacrifices, find a solution, and try harder. My kids took on burdens, simplified their needs, and helped more. It's hard for everyone but they learned to step up and grow up. We can't go back to how we were. We can only move forward and we just need to woman up and manage as we go. It's tough.

[Virgo]

Very true Julester! It will never be like it was. We have to keep moving forward. 

[First Widow]

On 6/2/2018 at 11:57 AM, Virgo said:

First Widow, I have been home since my oldest was born.  

It was my oldest, who was away at school most of the time, who had the hardest time when I started working outside the house. (I ran my LH's business from home, but when he passed away there was no longer a business to run.) Two years out she has thanked me for being a strong role model for her in the way I'm rebuilding my life so hang in there.  They may not appreciate what you are doing at the moment but they will as they gain perspective.

[Virgo]

8 hours ago, First Widow said:

It was my oldest, who was away at school most of the time, who had the hardest time when I started working outside the house. (I ran my LH's business from home, but when he passed away there was no longer a business to run.) Two years out she has thanked me for being a strong role model for her in the way I'm rebuilding my life so hang in there.  They may not appreciate what you are doing at the moment but they will as they gain perspective.

I'm sure they will. Teenagers!

[Cbbi]

So much of this post rings true for our family too.  We lose benefits in February.  I returned to work part-time to ease the transition to  upcoming full-time employment and I've no idea what that will be yet - I am searching and praying.  I do sincerely think the part-time transition helped.  My children have thankfully been great about it except for my son who some days is wonderful and some days is ... well....15.    My daughters, 19 and 24,  are both working so hard this summer and all of their paychecks go to our living expenses and saving to cover expenses for the year ahead while they are in college and law school. 

 

Virgo - I wanted to share this reverse problem as I hope it might give you a smile.  I worked full-time as an executive director when my first 2 kiddos were young.   Before the birth of our 3rd child, I quit working at my husband's suggestion and became a stay at home parent.  My oldest daughter had complained often about having a working mom and I was filled with working mom guilt so I was so happy to be able to tell my sweet curly haired 5th grader that I would no longer be working.  I was driving her to school on my 3rd day of being a stay at home Mom when she turned to me and said "can you go back to work Momma?"  I thought she meant was I still capable of working?  Did I still have options?  Was I still a professional?  But no - she literally meant would I please go back to work and the sooner the better!   I was dumbfounded.  She said she missed hearing my work stories and the people at my office.  She even missed after school care.  She begged me to go back to work so things could be the way they were.  Change is always hard. 

Of course it's nearly impossibly difficult when grief is constantly knocking on our doors and we want to protect our children from any more heartache.  And Juletester3 you are right - it is tough!  Beyond tough!  Somehow it sure helps me to know there are others on this same journey. 

 

Also that was quite a class you took Virgo  -   3 weeks instead of 12?  That must've been ridiculously difficult!  Congratulations!!!!  Yay you!    Thanks for the post and sincere good luck wishes to all!

[Julester3]

Cbbi- my kids do love work stories for some reason and they know my coworkers by name and their quirks. They find it fascinating for some reason! When they would be off from school, they'd sometimes go with me to work and hang out in my office. People would spoil them and entertain them when they knew they were with me. They also love going to the Italian deli and restaurant nearby for chicken parm and tiramisu so yes, they do like me working! 

[Virgo]

Cbbi- I guess it really is all about perspective, and kids really do adjust to change easier than most adults. I'm glad to hear your transition wasn't awful. Here I am still dragging my feet a bit. I did sign up for more classes though.