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Where to be buried after recoupling


MikeR
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I need some help. I am 12 years out. I was married for 18 years and we dated for 8 years before we got married. I am now engaged to a wonderful woman I met about 2 1/2 years ago. During a discussion about a different topic, I mentioned (without really thinking) that I would want be buried with my wife, Cathryn. My fiance was very upset by that and felt that it meant I was still too tied to Cathryn. I thought that it was a common enough thing to do but she thought that it was very unusual. For her, me wanting to get buried next to my wife might be a deal breaker. It would at least postpone the wedding (planned for next year) indefinitely.

 

I've been thinking about whether or not I really need (or really want) to be buried with Cathryn and whether or not my fiance is right in thinking that it is very unusual. I'm having a lot of difficulty sorting this out in my mind so, of course, I thought to ask all of you for your opinions on this.

 

Other background - I have a double plot and headstone at the cemetery but my name is not on the stone (at the time I thought it was creepy to see my name on a stone when I wasn't dead yet) so that is actually a good thing from the point that it's literally not set in stone :) . Also, I have 2 children, 22 and 16 years old and I don't know if they have a strong opinion or not about where I would be buried. My fiance doesn't mind if I'm not buried with her, just that she doesn't feel it's right for me to be buried with Cathryn. Another thing is I had thought over the years that I might want to be cremated, in which case I wouldn't be buried anywhere.

 

So I'm not sure I have a strong need to be buried with Cathryn but something is still holding me back from saying I won't. Part of it is, I think, that for 12 years, that was just a given so I think it's just been ingrained in my thinking. Another part is maybe that I feel I am being given an ultimatum by my fiance  and I don't like being forced into things. I don't want to take the easy way out and just say ok - I want to make a decision that I truly feel is the right thing to do.

 

So, what do you all think? Is it normal to be buried with your first wife or your second? Are any of you in a similar situation and, if so, what have you decided (and why)? 

 

Mike

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Mike,

My dh was cremated and is in a double urn which I keep with me. I had remarried, but just recently divorced. Although I was remarried it was never an issue about what or where I would go if something were to happen to me first!

 

My dh and I had even had this discussion before he passed away, and he knew I would be with him and my name would be on the urn hyphenated.

 

I can see the reason why if there is children from your marriage with Cathryn to be buried by her and the plot is already purchased, but it is not necessary to have to be there. You can always leave the plot alone, or your new wife can be buried there and if your going to be cremated you can be put in between both graves  with both wives.... just saying.....

 

But I wonder why it bothers your new fiancé so much knowing you have had that plot for so long. It's not uncommon to go ahead and purchase your own plot when we lose a spouse. 

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37 minutes ago, MikeR said:

 

So, what do you all think? Is it normal to be buried with your first wife or your second? Are any of you in a similar situation and, if so, what have you decided (and why)?  

  

 

What's normal about all this Mike? :)

 

Nothing is. I've remarried. My first wife was cremated and scattered at my old house in the woods. My now wife scooped up some of where she *thought* late wife was and brought it to the new house and scattered her in the flower garden.

 

No snark intended;  what does it matter? Honestly, it is just your body and after two generations no one will likely care or remember you. Chances are 50-50 that your new wife will go first anyway and you get to decide then don't you?

 

You ARE being given a strong suggestion of an ultimatum I think. Only you know if this is a big deal or not. There is no true right or wrong about your decision. What really matters is what you want to do and how you negotiate with your fiance.

 

Actually, this to me is the key point of any one of us getting married, or remarried as the case may be: Can you and your new partner negotiate in good faith with each other. This will not be the only thing you ever disagree on. When the other items pop up throughout your lives together, will both you and she be able to negotiate to an agreed upon settlement and then live with it without sniping at one another? 

 

If this cannot be accomplished with your fiance, you are in for a life of, at a minimum, of annoyance. At worst, it will be hell.

 

Good luck buddy - the other Mike

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Hi Mike, yes a touchy subject for sure.  I had a friend in her 50"s when they married, that remarried a widower and was hurt he was to be buried with is first wife. He died last year and she's ok with it now. Go figure. 

Another friend's mother was widowed, remarried and had her ashes split to go with both plots.  To each their own.

When my DH died he was cremated and buried and by my choice my name is on the groundstone too.  Yes, it was so weird to see my name there.  I don't really know where my remains will be buried.  I'm only 57 and I have no idea what is yet to come. Not really a fan of splitting my remains so only time will tell what happens.  I understand your delema especially if she may be making this a deal breaker.  Maybe Portside has a point with:

30 minutes ago, Portside said:

If this cannot be accomplished with your fiance, you are in for a life of, at a minimum, of annoyance. At worst, it will be hell.

 

All the best to you Mike R that you resolve this in an amicable way with your fiance!

Hugs to you.

 

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My parents were married 56 yrs. and have a double plot and stone.  My mother passed in Nov. She opted to be cremated. My father was buried 12 yrs prior. I don't think she wanted that then, but changed over the years, especially since my DH died. We are going to bury her remains at the plot but we scattered some of them on the family farm last week.  My point is she changed, too and then we did something that was meaningful to us, also.  

 

i like the idea of splitting the remains if cremated.  It makes sense as you share a life with both, a history.  My DH is in a veterans' cemetery, so I expect to be on the back side, regardless of if I remarry.  My remains won't be there as his are not, either.  

 

Good luck with negotiating. Makes you wonder what folks did back in the old days when death was very common young, so remarriaged occurred frequently.

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Hi, Mike. 

 

I have been there and done this myself. My first husband was buried in a double plot on the east coast where we lived. My name is on the gravestone. My second husband was widowed himself. His first wife was buried on the west coast in a double plot with a single headstone. 

 

We decided before we married that we would be cremated and our ashes split and half buried with our late spouse and eventually half together. Sadly, I lost my second husband, too, and I followed his/our wishes. Half of his ashes are buried in California beside his late wife. The other half are buried in the Midwest where we had our home. My name is now on 2 gravestones. 

 

All solemnity aside, I hope I don’t need that many more gravestones for me. One more would be fine...

 

I wish you the best with navigating this situation. 

 

Maureen

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I have decided to be cremated and split my ashes, half will be at cemetery next to late DHs ashes with shared headstone so my kids can visit us both if they want.  I told current DH it is his choice what to do with the other half if I go first.  If he goes first I want the other half to be with him.  For me, it's about those left behind, not about me once I'm gone.  DH decided at the last minute to have me bury his ashes because he knew his mom would want to visit the cemetery. 

 

Im curious if your fiancé has had other issues regarding your late wife and not feeling like she is equally important to you.  I don't like the ultimatum but I do think her feelings should be considered.  

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When DH died, I bought the plot next to him.  I'm now in the process of trying to sell it back.  Mostly, it's because I don't want my kid (with NG) to think I loved some man she never knew more than her father, and that I don't want her to have to travel hundreds of miles to bury me or visit my grave if she chooses to (I've moved since DH died).  Part of it is that I don't want to hurt NG (though I'm not sure he actually cares, or would admit it if he did more like).  Part of it is that I don't really care myself, so would rather accommodate the potential wishes of the living against the clear wishes of the dead (I'm 200% sure DH would want me buried next to him).  As the girlfriend of a widower, I can understand why your fiancee felt/feels hurt.  I'm not sure that's something I'd ever get over, honestly.  I want to be the one NG wants to spend eternity with, whatever that means.  It means nothing to me, so I just really wouldn't want him to want to spend eternity with someone else.....  

Edited by Mizpah
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17 hours ago, MikeR said:

My fiance doesn't mind if I'm not buried with her, just that she doesn't feel it's right for me to be buried with Cathryn.

 

Hi Mike! This is the line that jumped out to me. A red flag, maybe? I can understand her feelings, but it's a complex and sensitive issue to say the least.

 

I have not had to deal with this yet, but I perceive it being an issue for me in the future as well. My name is on the headstone and it has always been my intention to be buried next to DH. However, if I remarry I don't know how I will feel. I wouldn't want to hurt a future husband's feelings or disrespect that union in any way either. I agree with Trying & Mizpah that my children's feelings will have to be taken into account, as they will be the one's visiting the grave. At a later date I even had our children's names put on the back of the headstone. So for me, it really is a family affair.

 

I do sympathize with your situation and I can see how it could take on a bigger meaning than originally intended. As it seems that your fiance' is interpreting your choice as validation of your 'true' feelings. Even though we all know that there is no comparison, she is feeling insecure about it. I wish you the best and I hope that the matter resolves itself peacefully for both of you!

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We have a double plot, single headstone. Half his ashes are there, half scattered. I’ve already offered other half of plot to his BFF because they truly had the most beautiful friendship I’ve ever witnessed. I have zero desire to have my ashes buried, but if my SO had very strong feelings on the subject I would honor his wishes because, at this point, it’s impossible to hurt my dead husband’s feelings by not being next to him. But also- I have no children who might potentially  find this upsetting. 

 

I just asked bf if he’d be upset about me being buried next to DH and he was fine with it, told me they were my remains so my decision. I’m a pretty practical and frugal person so if I was your fiancé I’d say - of course use that paid for plot! But she is obviously seeing it as symbolic of other things. And you sound like me in that you don’t want to feel like someone is trying to control you. So, basically, this has nothing to do with where you’re to be buried and everything to do with the dynamics of your relationship. Just talk to her about it more with an open heart...

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Most of my decisions regarding the funeral arrangements were made to appease the living family members. In your case that would also be the determining factor for me. I would discuss it with my kids first. To me it's more about their wishes. If they want their parents to be together so be it. They'll be the ones visiting the grave. However, I would consider being cremated and splitting the ashes between two gravesites if that was the wishes of my possible future husband. 

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Hi Mike,

 

Tough topic. I bought a double plot for Stephen and I, never thinking I’d fall in love again. My name is not on the double grave stone. Fred knows my wishes which are that half my ashes are to go to my son, to bury me or otherwise as he sees fit. I suspect this will mean that they are interred with my first husband Stephen so my son has a place where he can “visit” his parents. If I pass before Fred, I‘ve asked that Fred help my son achieve this if needed. The remaining half of my ashes are for Fred to do with as he sees fit - take me to my favorite park, to a loved town (Cape May), wherever will give him peace and comfort.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Take care, Bluebird.

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Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. You gave me what I needed to move forward in my thinking.

 

My fiance is actually not demanding at all. She is the kindest, most helpful person I know. She didn't give me an ultimatum, it's just that she feels strongly about this. We're talking it through and we'll be fine. Most likely, I will want to be cremated, so the issue would be moot, unless she or the kids want to bury the ashes. Actually, I think a good resolution is to sprinkle some of my ashes on the grave next to my wife. That way a piece of me will be there, just as a piece of my life was with her. Putting my name on the stone might also be nice - but that would be up to my kids, if they want to have a place to visit both of us.

 

I decided not to involve the kids in this because I don't think they should be burdened with this right now. It will (hopefully) be a long time before I die and who knows what changes will occur in life by then. As a side note, they never showed a lot of interest in visiting Cathryn's grave over the years. My guess is that they won't care that much. Thinking about it, I don't visit my parents', grandparents' or brother's gravesites. I don't feel drawn to do that. I think my kids might see it the same way. So perhaps this isn't that big an issue after all.

 

I think a large part of my feeling about this was simply because being buried with Cathryn is just how it's been in my mind all these years. Sometimes it's hard to change an ingrained idea - it feels wrong to change, simply because that's how it's always been.

 

Anyway, you guys are great, thank you again.

 

Bluebird, good to hear from you. Tell Fred I said "Hi".

 

Mike

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My husband was buried and there is room for me in the plot.

That being said, when I remarried I remember my new mother in law asking my new husband "What are you going to do about burial arrangements when you die?  Who do you go with?"  My DH  doesn't miss a beat and said" Not gonna be my problem.  I will be dead".  Then we had a conversation about it and decided that we will opt for cremations and half goes with first spouse and half goes with the second.  I think it is more important to my children than to me as they will have one resting place for their parents.

 

No rules to this game but I kind of understand your fiancee.  Maybe this would be a good solution for you too.

 

Pat

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We knew a couple who resolved this in an interesting way. He was a widower who buried his late wife in a double plot with room for him. He and his new wife purchased a single plot adjacent to the double plot. He would be buried between the ladies. If people asked about the arrangement his wife would always smile and say he won't know which way to turn. 

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I'm glad you are working things out with your fiance. 

I will be cremated and I know my new husband also wants to be cremated. I would like to be next to him in the mausoleum, or wherever we decide to be "buried". New husband doesn't really care what happens to the ashes.

My first husband's family wanted him to be buried in the family plot. They offered me the plot next to him, but being only 36 I knew I would probably want to be married again, so I went with a single stone for him. 

 

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I'll be cremated. Interment with my veteran spouse would be free. New guy  hasn't made any arrangements at all, which is a little unsettling, but I suppose half of me could go with him. A friend was hurt that her mother chose to be buried with her second husband, rather than her first (the woman's father).  But the mother had been widowed very young, and was married to her second husband a long time.They'd even been childhood sweethearts.  

 

 

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Somehow early in this came up with NG and my kids - what to do with me, probably because we pass DH on the way into church every Sunday since he's interred in the  columbarium there. NG said that when I die he's having me cremated and then he's putting me in with DH, hitting the granite stone and saying "tag you're it, she's your problem now!". I'm not sure the kids really understood at the time what he was saying but now it's a standing joke.  Seriously though,  NG wants to be spread in the ocean and is perfectly okay with putting me in with DH.

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