No One Gets It

[TheWidowWhisperer]

There are times I feel that no one in my little world gets it. No one understands me or what I'm going through. My husband was the last person who ever really got me and that makes this all the more hurty. Sometimes I wonder if it would feel less lonely to actually pick up and move to a place where no in fact does know me. At least then I'd really be alien not just feel alien. 

I probably expect too much from my friends and family. I mean if we didn't go around expecting too much how did we get the expression; "They're doing the best they can"? I know it's illogical to expect a good friend to guess that all this armchair psychology and cheap sentimentality surrounding the death of two local celebrities would be upsetting to me. (Co-opting grief for a Facebook status will always feel like an attack I think.) But I do think it's not too much to ask for those close to me to have some sense of my pain. Yesterday, two people behaved in ways that screamed; "I've no idea who you are!" and it hurt. Probably more than it would if I hadn't been so consumed with the death of a celebrity my husband had met and admired. 

The thing is though...death is not rare. People should really be more familiar with grief and loss. I get when stuff is rare people tend to be a bit clueless. But I didn't give birth to conjoined triplets. My spouse died. That happens a lot. It compounds my loneliness, this feeling of no one quite understanding.

[Portside]

TWW, could part of the lack of your friends "getting it" be that death IS so common and that they are rather inured to it?

 

I'm guessing I am older than you so in my circle all of us seem to have suffered a death of a very close someone - child, spouse, dear friend, etc. Of course that doesn't take away the sting but it seems to make it a bit more understandable or "normal" if you will. And, then by extension, we may appear like we don't get it as much. Are they acting poorly or thoughtlessly towards you?

 

Mike

 

 

[tybec]

WW, 

I understand your frustration.  Wifeless wrote a long note trying to explain the complexity of losing your mate, different from losing anyone else in your life.  People try but can't understand.  Walking in someone's shoes require intention, and honestly, as a dear friend told me in a long letter, she didn't want to. She did not want to think about herself losing her husband early and rearing her kids alone. She wants to post on FB about how hard it is to be a working mom and have two active kids, with her husband still very much alive and involved and paternal grandparents at her beck and call.  Some days it is no big deal to read about a "Hunter's Widow" and other days, it hits your last nerve.  I understand.  The years going by does ease that frustration.  They don't know, what they don't know. 

[Virgo]

My thinking is that it doesn't effect their daily life, so they don't seem as empathetic as we might want them to be. Why would they be? I know others miss my husband, but they grieve him differently. They didn't go to bed with him and wake up next to him, or even see him daily. He was my world, but just a very small part of their world.

[Minny9]

Well put, Jen.

 

I'm drawn to this topic more than nearly any other - though, to be truthful, the experience of losing my wife (in my case) and best friend is so complex on so many levels.  I'll do my best to stay on topic....

 

My wife died 18 months ago after 19 years of marriage when we were both 49.  During the final 6 weeks of her life, myself, her only sister, and her closest and dearest girlfriend (her "core", as my wife referred to us), were at her side virtually every day.  After she died, I reminded both of them how much my wife loved and treasured each of us - but each in her own way.  I suggested that those personal aspects of our individual relationships with her would be ours alone to grieve, but that no single relationship was more or less important to her than another.

 

Months later, and I can't help feeling like I'm lost on an island - and the search party has been called off.  Her girlfriend has a busy family and loving husband; her sister has a caring husband.  But I am all alone.  While I know they both share the same love and appreciation for everything my wife was as a person, they can not know what it is to lose the intimacy and depth of love and understanding only experienced with a life partner, and the unspoken knowingness and familiarity that comes from spending every day with that person -- as when two people grow so close they become more like two halves of a whole.

 

The "core" has sadly drifted apart, despite the long histories we have together.  It's been tough to accept because  I see them as the only other people who even remotely understand the pain of her loss.  And I'm sure they do.  But, as I'm realizing, her loss represents different things to each of us.  Beyond this understanding, unfortunately, I don't expect an adequate level of compassion for, empathy towards, or true understanding of, my pain from either of them.

 

 

Edited June 14, 2018 by Minny9

[BrokenHeart2]

Minny9 in my 5 yrs since losing my DH this is one of the best descriptions of how devastating our loss is. The letter from Wifeless is another. Thank you to both of you for expressing it so eloquently!  "Two halves of a whole" most definite felt like I lost me half of me when he died.  Didn't know who I was anymore.  I'm just getting that back now and I'm so thankful for that.

hugs

[Meema]

On 6/13/2018 at 11:49 PM, BrokenHeart2 said:

Minny9 in my 5 yrs since losing my DH this is one of the best descriptions of how devastating our loss is. The letter from Wifeless is another. Thank you to both of you for expressing it so eloquently!  "Two halves of a whole" most definite felt like I lost me half of me when he died.  Didn't know who I was anymore.  I'm just getting that back now and I'm so thankful for that.

hugs

I didn't know who I was for about 4 1/2 years after my husband died. Then slowly I started to notice that I felt like me again. But a different me than I was before.

[BrokenHeart2]

Yes Meema, I know exactly what you mean!! "a different me that I was before"  You nailed it!

[Julester3]

I don't think we can ever be what we used to be. We can be reminiscent of our former versions of ourselves but we remain forever changed from our experiences.