Six year ramble

[Bunny]

Well. An hour ago it officially became six years since he died. I stood in the room he died in and could not feel him with me at all. I was surprised by all my tears. The flashbacks. The ache. Does this happen every year and I just forget?

 

I know I need therapy. I know this, and yet can find endless ways/reasons/excuses to keep putting it off.

 

It’s a strange thing how completely open book I am with people and yet if I sense them try to take a step closer into my world I’ve suddenly built this impenetrable wall around myself. Like, whoa- don’t make the mistake of thinking we’ve bonded, people! I have no idea why I do this and can’t find the desire to change this character flaw. I am so grateful for the handful of old friends I don’t do this with. 

 

My bf kind of sucks at the comfort thing, but I get it- because I used to be like that. He tries, but honestly I wish he would just go away on anniversary days like this, because it’s just easier to fall apart in a quiet empty house, especially if falling apart entails just wanting to sit in a comfy chair and stare off into space for an hour or so. But I don’t tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. 

 

I’m very thankful my jury duty got cancelled. Debating how to spend the day instead. Weeding the herb garden? Cleaning my horribly chaotic closet? I want to do absolutely nothing, but will attempt to overcome this urge.  

 

And here I thought I had no words today. Ha! 

 

 

[Captains wife]

Im so sorry....I just hit 6 years too (how can this be??)....and I've felt sad and angry this year - through most of May and now into Father's Day. Alot of it has to do with trying to raise my young son alone and being sad for him. I just signed up with a new therapist as I need some help handling these feelings and having an outlet for them. I honestly have very few people who I can talk to about how I am truly feeling so I  just paste a happy smile on my face most of the time. Its good you have some support around you. I think you can be honest with your bf about needing some space around this time - I was with my new guy and he wasn't offended (although I know he wanted to be here for my son and I). But I wanted space - to spend some reflective time with my son and then to have some "me" time. If you feel like doing nothing, do nothing - you should treat yourself well around this time and listen to your inner voice. On my sadiversary, I did a little ceremony with my son and then booked myself into a spa for the entire afternoon with another widow (and took the 1/2 day off work).

[Bunny]

Very low energy today... I  went to his memorial page on Facebook a while ago and saw that his best friend had posted a video interview of him talking about his car club. No idea this even existed. I have heard his voice but not seen him since he died, besides pictures. I...have no words to describe this experience. Listening to him say ‘my wife’, wow. So weird this was my life, and now... it’s not. 

[Peony]

13 hours ago, Bunny said:

Listening to him say ‘my wife’, wow. So weird this was my life, and now... it’s not. 

 

Doesn't this just say it all! So much to reconcile there. Even now.

 

{{{Hugs}}} Bunny! Your post really touched me. Oh, how the anniversary can wreak havoc on the heart & mind! I identified with so much of what you said. From the sitting in the chair staring off into space to the impenetrable wall. I'm so glad though that you were able to see him again and hear him talk about you. After all this time, what a special & unexpected gift!

 

Peace and hugs!  

[Bunny]

 I was a military brat for my entire childhood.  I consider myself fortunate to have seen so much of the world at an early age. It was also difficult but I believe the gifts out-weigh the negatives. 

 

A few common characteristics of 3rd culture kids are; the ability to make friends quickly; the ability to cut people out their lives more easily; and a lifelong feeling of otherness/detachment/rootlessness

 

 I started reading up on this after I was widowed and certain parts of my personality make so much more sense to me now! And it does seem that widowhood has put some aspects into hyper-overdrive... it’s interesting.