I just need to vent.

[JustMom1215]

I really just need to vent, and maybe some of you will understand.

 

My husband passed away over 10 1/2 years ago, I have been remarried to wonderful man for 9 years.   My husbands mom passed away last Saturday quite suddenly.  She was a wonderful lady and all her kids spouses were her kids too.

 

What I want to vent about is a brother in laws wife....she has never accepted me, she is best friends with my husbands ex.  I know part of it is my perception of things, but I also know she has never really accepted me as family.  

 

Anyway, she has taken some kind counseling class, and she knows it all.  She was saying we really need to keep dad busy, all the time.  I said from experience, sometimes you may need time to yourself to process or whatever.  She tells me...but you were not married 59 years, this is different.  A couple days later she just happens to mention she got her text books out and and they say to keep them busy. But have the writers of the text books ever been thru the death of spouse?  It was just very frustrating, I vent to my husband quite a bit about the sister in law, but don't want to overdo it.  I truly understand, that Dad's grief is different than mine, everybody's grief journey is different.  

 

What I talked to my husband about is we need to let dad guide us in what we do, be available to talk or whatever when he needs us, but also be sensitive to the fact he may not want us hovering all the time. I know she has good intentions, but I also feel like she refuses to listen to anything that is not what she wants to do.  I do have a friend who is a grief counselor, and she told me that we were thinking the right way.  

 

I really do realize there are differences between losing a spouse after 23 years compared to 59 years.  But I still think that maybe I have a little understanding of what it like to lose a spouse.

 

Thanks for letting me vent;

[Julester3]

This sounds terribly frustrating but I think most families do experience that "know it all" individual who wants to shove their "knowledge" onto everyone else. I would agree with your line of thinking. He's got to have his space and time to himself. If he wants to keep busy and hang out with family more, good but it's got to be his call. He's an adult not a child. We did this with my mother after my dad had passed. And that foolishness that it's not the same if you've had 23 versus 59 years? It is hogwash! It's the same kind of pain - it's just some couples are fortunate to have more time that others. Hugs for frustration! 

Edited June 15, 2018 by Julester3

[Leadfeather]

That does sound very frustrating.

 

20 minutes ago, JustMom1215 said:

She tells me...but you were not married 59 years, this is different. 

 

My sarcastic side would really have a hard time not asking her something like following. "Just like losing a 7 year old child only hurts half as much as losing a 14 year old child?" but that is probably not a productive comment.

[Portside]

40 minutes ago, JustMom1215 said:

What I want to vent about is a brother in laws wife....she has never accepted me, she is best friends with my husbands ex.  I know part of it is my perception of things, but I also know she has never really accepted me as family.  

 

Anyway, she has taken some kind counseling class, and she knows it all. 

 

Same deal except it's my sister. Are we related? :)

 

Sis is a PhD in some sort of counseling and insists on being called "Dr." by her family. (It doesn't happen. 🤣 ) There is no one so ignorant as a pompous academic credentialed far beyond their intellect. 

.

My sis, like your BILs wife, is an Grade A ass. I believe that is the scientific description.

 

You don't have to suffer folks like them gladly if you don't want to.

 

Mike

[trying2breathe]

Have your say, let her talk her BS stuff and then step back and let it play out.   Advocate for your FIL when he needs a break from keeping busy all of the time.   As one that has gone through the death of a spouse, you relate far more than one that hasn't experienced this.  59 years vs. 23 years - pffft, please!   

[sudnlysngl]

5 hours ago, Portside said:

 

Same deal except it's my sister. Are we related?

 

Sis is a PhD in some sort of counseling and insists on being called "Dr." by her family. (It doesn't happen. 🤣 ) There is no one so ignorant as a pompous academic credentialed far beyond their intellect. 

.

My sis, like your BILs wife, is an Grade A ass. I believe that is the scientific description.

 

You don't have to suffer folks like them gladly if you don't want to.

 

Mike

Mike we (my family) call them educated idiots! They seem to have all that book smarts, and not an ounce of common sense....

 

As for JustMom, I don't think it matters if any of us were married for 60 years verses 6 years. When we lose our spouse to death, it's devastating and hurts!!!

It does NOT compare, nor is it a competition  of any sorts to anything! That would be like one of your relatives comparing it to their divorce for goodness sakes!

 

Be yourself with your dad, and just ask him if there is anything he needs. Like someone else here said , let it play out, or if you see something way off, then step in!

 

Best of luck to you dealing with the crap, just keep the shovel close....

[Bunny]

What a bitch. 

[twin_mom]

Vent away, we all have the family member like that. 

[rooshy]

On 6/15/2018 at 12:57 PM, Portside said:

 

Same deal except it's my sister. Are we related?

 

Sis is a PhD in some sort of counseling and insists on being called "Dr." by her family. (It doesn't happen. 🤣 ) There is no one so ignorant as a pompous academic credentialed far beyond their intellect. 

.

My sis, like your BILs wife, is an Grade A ass. I believe that is the scientific description.

 

You don't have to suffer folks like them gladly if you don't want to.

 

Mike

Hi Mike - up until yesterday, I worked with several people who were PhDs and, we liked to say in admin, had the alphabet behind their name.  Sometimes I wonder if PhD is short for Pinhead.  I wanted to tell one of those PhDs to get a colonoscopy because his head was missing🤣

 

JustMom - vent away.  We've all had that relative that thinks they know everything and doesn't know a thing.  I've found that these people can't get over themselves.  Your father-in-law should be allowed all the time he wants to be alone and grieve how he wants to.  We all know that there is no set standard for grieving a loved one.