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2 Weeks Ago Today I Lost My True Love


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Two weeks ago today, my husband and best friend of 18 years went to heaven after a courageous fight with stage 4 colon cancer.  I feel like I am sleepwalking through life, having bouts of crying uncontrollably and then just sitting and staring into space.  He was only 48, and he was, as I always told him, my heartbeat.  He made me laugh every day.  He made me feel safe and protected and valued.  I tell him every day that I love him, and I pray that he can hear and feel my love.  He passed away at home under Hospice care.  They were amazing and did everything to ease his pain.  His liver finally succumbed to the tumors, and I am having trouble getting those last days out of my mind.  He stopped being able to speak in the last days, but we gathered around him and talked and told Chad stories.  We talked to him and showered him with love.  In his last 12 hours, his lungs filled with fluid.  Hospice told us this may happen, and that it was difficult for caregivers to experience, but that Chad would not feel pain.  Those last 12 hours haunt me.  It sounded like he was drowning, and I have never in my life felt such emotional and physical pain as hearing him breathing that way.  I prayed from 10:00 that evening until God finally called him home at 8:55 the next morning.  "Please, God," I cried, "please rescue him from this."  I am so glad I was with him, and that he could be in the home we built together, but those hard memories still pierce my heart.  Now I try to get through each day without my soulmate.  Today I tried to go to the grocery store.   Walked to the front doors, knew I couldn't do it, and turned and came home. I miss him so much it hurts.  I told him again and again in the last days that his heart and mine would be forever connected. I believe that, but I miss his laugh and his presence so much.  I had his wedding band shrunk to fit my finger, and now it is on my middle finger next to my wedding ring.  How do we live without the most important person in our lives?  I don't know how to do this.  

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Heather, I'm so sorry you are here but glad you found us.  How do you do it? One day at a time, even down to one minute at a time if you need to. Remember to drink lots of water as crying is very dehydrating. The death of your DH was somewhat similar to my DH's, he wanted to die at home and I'm so thankful I was able to make sure that happened.  

I remember my first time in the grocery store.  I lost it when I saw the cheese popcorn.  Put my head down and beelined it for the door.  There were other instances too.  They will come and just do what you need to do to get through them. 

Gentle hugs to you.

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I am so sorry you have to be here.

Keep reaching out and truly just be gentle with yourself and try to get through one minute, day at a time.

and yes the grocery store is a tough one ...sunglasses and tissues were needed 

Take Care 

 

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Hi, Heather,

 

I'm so sorry you had to join our club.  Watching the love of your life die is so difficult.  I, too, wanted the last hours of my first husband's life to go more quickly.  I didn't want him (or me) to suffer any more.  It is so early for you in this process.  The pain is so acute...breathtaking at times.  You have gotten some good information from some of the others....this is truly something we take moment by moment.  This is your experience and you need to feel comfortable taking it your own way.  Others may think they know what you need...but give yourself permission to listen to yourself.  Read here; post when you feel the urge.  Nothing is off limits.  People have listened to us...and we are here to listen to you.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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Heather, you are not alone.  I am 3 months out and dont know how i am going to move forward without the love of my life.  I also wear his wedding band.  This just all sucks, the pain is inconceivable,  but the world thinks we should be feeling better by now.  I don't think I will ever get over losing him, he was my everything.  Private message me if you ever need to talk to someone in the same place as you at the same time.  

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Hi Steph.  Thank you for reaching out.  You are not alone either.  We can walk this awful path alongside each other.  I don't know how heaven works, but all day long I tell Chad that I love him...out loud.  I hope he hears or feels my love for him, and it seems to help me, too. I love having his wedding ring on my finger.  I find myself touching it all the time, especially when I am feeling so lost without him.  A friend who lost her husband many years ago told me recently that losing a spouse is not like experiencing any other death.  She said nothing compares to the grief a husband or wife feel after a spouse dies.  It is so much deeper of a grief.  One thing I am trying to do is read a book by Alan Wolfelt called, When Your Soulmate Dies:. A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning.  I am barely started, but the tone is very kind and empathetic, and it helps to know I am not alone and what I am feeling is normal.  Keep in touch if you need anything, Steph.  Sending you lots of love.

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Heather, what you've experienced and endured leading up to and immediately after losing Chad are eerily similar to what I've lived through, although it's been 18 months now since I lost my wife in December, 2016, after battling a rare cervical cancer for only 8 months.  Rhonda was just 49 when she passed - we both were.  The horrific final weeks/days of our spouse's lives do not define them, though the memories so early after losing them are so raw and unresolved.  For weeks I had trouble getting to sleep because I could not get the memories of her time in palliative care out of my mind.  It wasn't by choice.  In those darkest days, my life had been singularly focused - every day spent just being there with her, not caring about anything else, whatever that might otherwise entail, nor thinking ahead to what happens after...

 

As you know and have expressed so bravely, you do whatever you have to for your best friend and soulmate as they reach their final days.  In my wife's case, early on in her treatment she developed a blood clot after her very first brachytherapy procedure (an internal radiation treatment that is performed under general anaesthetic) which required daily blood thinner injections.  She was terrified of needles and this one was big.  I had to do it for her, injecting into her abdomen - and it stung!  To ready herself, she would keep repeating "here come the bees, here come the bees", as she likened the sensation to that of a bee sting.  Again, you do what you have to.  By the time she was admitted to hospital after the wound from her radical hysterctomy surgery wouldn't close due a reduction in blood flow to the area caused by the over 30 radiation treatments (don't get me started), we already had received the pathology results and knew the cancer had resisted all treatments and had spread.  Despite this, she was still so upbeat and brave - I could not have been more proud to be her husband.  As the days in hospital turned to weeks, and included a move to the palliative ward, she developed ascites (a fluid buildup in the abdomen caused by metastatic cancer) and a bowel obstruction, the latter of which required a nasogastric tube to be inserted to release the bile that would build up in her stomach.  As a result of the obstruction, she received no nourishment the final 6 weeks of her life and quite literally faded away.

 

You think, understandably, that nothing could be harder than watching your spouse die.  I would say the emotions and overwhelm you have been and will continue to experience are equally as traumatic.  I will offer you this, Heather - with time the haunting memories of your husband's final days will lessen, both in frequency and in intensity.  They will lessen and be replaced more often by memories of happier and healthier times.

 

If I may, I encourage you to read a great article that was published only 4 days after Rhonda died in the Globe & Mail newspaper.  It will resonate with you, I'm sure.

 

the Widowhood Effect: What it's like to lose a loved one so young 

 

Finally, in regards to your comment:

 

5 hours ago, Heather said:

nothing compares to the grief a husband or wife feel after a spouse dies

 

I struggle with this a lot.  Please see my earlier post about this very topic here.

 

Take good care,

Steve

 

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Welcome Heather. You didn't want to have to join us but I am sure you are glad you found us. The memories of the last days/hours will fade. I was told that and I didn't really believe it until I saw it for myself. It is hard to comprehend the loss of a spouse. Grief like a wave pool. It can wipe you out. When it does, rest. You will need the rest. Cry. As much as it hurts, it actually does help. Take it minute by minute, then it will become hour by hour followed by days, weeks and unfortunately, years. I am just under 7 years out. The fact that it is 7 is hard to comprehend. I am left with gratitude and the occasional twinge of pain. I feel blessed I knew my husband and I was lucky to have him in my life. I think of him everyday but the pain is no longer there. I only feel it when my children say they miss him or I am having a tough time. Hang in there. You are in the right place with people who get it. 

Eileen

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Thank you for your kindness and encouragement, Minny9 and Eddienhp.  I really appreciate hearings our stories and experiences.  It is so fresh that it is hard to see clearly through the pain, but you both give me hope.  Talking about my husband seems to help.  It starts with tears but often ends with some smiles and I feel close to him.  Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the extra reading with me.  Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me.  

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