Two weeks ago today

[Mattie]

Two weeks ago today, my 33 year old husband collapsed in front of our apartment door. He was running home on a lunch break with a coworker of his to meet me so we could get our paper work done for our passport renewals. We were planning our honeymoon. When I got home the paramedics were still working on him. Five days later he was gone. He went too long without oxygen. I feel like I died. I feel like I’m floating in time and that there isn’t a point to anything anymore. I miss him so much and I love him more than I can put into words. We were married 4 and a half months. Two weeks before he collapsed he got a big promotion at work that he worked so hard for. I am so angry for him that he doesn’t get to even enjoy it. We don’t get a wedding anniversary. I start counseling next week and I hope it helps a little with the pain. Im so lost, sad, empty and hurt without him. I feel so afraid to be trapped feeling like this forever. I miss him so much. 

[MR]

Hi Mattie,

Sorry to  hear about him. You have joined at good forum, here people can understand you as all have gone thru similar grief. Keep posting.. Take care of yourself , eat as much as you want to and drink lots of water. Sometimes writing helps so please keep posting.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[Julester3]

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was so young and your lives were just getting started. Many of us here know all too well your experience. Grieving is a work in progress constantly and no 2 paths walk this journey the same way. Manoj has given the best main advice we all give and remember this is no race. Do things in your time. Hugs for you today.  

[BrokenHeart2]

Sorry for your loss Mattie.  Be gentle with yourself.

Hugs

[Mattie]

Thank you guys for your support. This is going to be such a long road. 

[Steph]

I am sorry.  The pain of losing my one true love is razor sharp as it has only been 3 months.  But reading your post brought me back to that horrible day in the hospital when his breathing just stopped.  I don't know if anything gets better over time.  I just wanted to say I am sorry.

[Mattie]

Thank you. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry for your loss too. It breaks my heart that other people are going through this too. 

[KimberlyMarie88]

I just started crying reading your post, and i'm crying as i'm responding. My boyfriend of 3 years (he was 36) passed away 11 weeks ago in a sudden death. I remember the first day so well. I felt like i died, my soul had died, that i was just full of this unbearable pain. I always imagined this pain to feel so differently based on movies, books, and people I know. This pain you're feeling is the worst pain i've ever felt, and i am so sorry you're going through this. I've been seeing a grief counselor once a week since two weeks after he passed away. It helps to talk to someone who is willing to listen and can understand. I chose a grief counselor that lost her son at a young age. This pain she is familiar with, and i've felt so relatable to her. It's ok if you choose to see a counselor or therapist and you don't feel like it's for you or they do not fit. Check out more than one if you need to. I found it helped me tremendously with daily battles i have, and that thoughts/actions i've made are normal. Living life without them seems wrong, and unfair at such young ages. Just know you're not alone, and that if you need people to talk to at any point we are all here. 

[Mattie]

I’m so sorry you went through this too. It’s still so hard to believe. Thank you so much for your kind words. This is truly the most painful thing to go through. I’m glad counseling has helped you. I’m really hoping it can help me as well. These waves of numb and pain are almost unbearable. How have you been able to keep going?

[KimberlyMarie88]

The main thing that has kept me moving was, 1) I took FMLA for 1 week to have time to myself a month after he passed. Somehow that has helped me, and allowed me to spoil & love myself. 2) I've surrounded myself with my friends (the ones that stayed and don't mind me bringing him up constantly) , and his mom since his passing. I have a planner that is pretty much full from the moment I get off work almost everyday. 3) We both had mountain bikes that he desperately wanted me to get into and ride with him. But, I hated it until he passed. I've made myself go outside, I've volunteered at dog shelters, and I'm picking up new outdoor activities to help me feel like I'm living. Staying in the house will not make you feel alive.  4) I've moved back home with my family temporarily. I do not live in our house. Being around people has kept me from hitting the floor constantly.

 

It's almost 3 months since he has passed, and I do not cry EVERYDAY. I hurt, I think about him constantly, I'm depressed. Everyone thinks I'm so happy and normal now, but I am truly depressed. I cry all the time before I go to bed at night. I make myself be strong, and while I'm at work I find something to distract me. I work in a building with 100 people, and it's hard being the "Girl who cries all day". Somehow I've found a balance at work, but when I leave it's different. Honestly, it's ok to cry and be alone when you want to. I won't say everyone heals different because this isn't a break up and you're not going to heal. You learn how to survive this hole in your heart. Do whatever you want to do in that moment and just try to live.

[Mattie]

I am taking a while off work as well.  I don't think I have the brain power right now to do my job.  I am in our home right now because it's really comforting to be here.  My sisters and friends have been taking turns staying the night with me so Im not alone.  It really does help to talk about him as much as possible.  And you're so right, it is a huge hole in your heart.  I look at pictures of him every day and that helps me.  I miss him so so much and it helps to have my sisters to cry with. My work is being so nice and letting me work remotely for a little while until im ready to get into a schedule.  

[KimberlyMarie88]

I'm glad you found comfort being in your home. It is tough for me not being in ours, but I know I would never leave if I stayed in mine. I'm so glad you have a nice support system that is willing to be there for you, and listen to you. I'm also glad your job is very supportive, and understanding. Death is painful regardless how it happens. For me, it's so hard to wrap my head around it. The last time I saw my partner was that morning when I kissed him goodbye to head to work, then he was gone in less than 12 hours. He was so healthy and perfect and the suddenness of this is hard to accept or understand. Just remember, he would have never wanted this to happen, and he would want you to be strong. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. Just do whatever makes you happy in every moment, regardless how selfish it may seem.

Edited June 27, 2018 by KimberlyMarie88

[Mattie]

Thats the same with the last day I saw my husband.  I kissed and hugged him goodbye, then a few hours later he collapsed.  And thank you for being here for me .  Its still so unreal.  And if you need to talk know that I am here for you as well.  I hate that anyone has to ever go through this. 

[baywebbshelton]

Hi Mattie, 

I am approaching my 4 year mark now, and I can say those feelings never really go away. Some days I feel like I'm in an alternate reality, and that he really isn't dead. All I can say is just focus on your healing process, and keep close to your friends and family (the ones who are positive and good for you, negative people can only make your grief worse). I was also married to my husband for a short time, 3 months and 1 week. It wasn't enough time, and I don't think there is ever enough time with the people you love. The only advice I can offer from my own grief process is don't let yourself be consumed by fear or guilt. There is nothing wrong with continuing to live and enjoy life. Just try to think of what you would want for your husband if you had died, and live your life that way. When it comes time for your wedding anniversary do something really special that would both would have loved! I always go to our favorite restaurant and visit him at his grave. This year I can't but I will still do something on that day, and its makes me feel like I am still showing him I love him. I am even remarried now (boy was falling in love again a surprise) and I still celebrate and honor him. I even wear two wedding rings! Just do you, celebrate life and the memories, and give yourself forgiveness!!